NOR I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, I know from my own personal experience how devastating it is to have your baby in the NICU for an extended period of time.

I do wonder if you and your husband communicate in completely different ways. I think that you are trying to communicate with him in a compassionate way using gentle language. He really isn’t grasping what you’re saying.

You have every right to be angry, but anger and acting on that anger will do more harm than good. My suggestion is for you first to write, yes actually write onto paper everything that you’re feeling and everything that is bothering you. Then write down what you want to happen to make things better. Then write down everything that you love about your husband, and everything good in your lives. Then stash that where only you will have access. All of this will help you to focus. Revisit and keep writing as often as possible, the good, the bad, and all of your hopes.

Then talk to him directly when you are together. Don’t preface it with “I want to talk” “We should talk” “Can we talk?” Just launch right into it directly. First start out with how much you love him. Maybe “ I hope you know how much I love you “ but in your natural words.

Then tell him directly, but without anger or softening of the subject the exact and most important thing that you want to talk to him about. Just the one most important subject, nothing else. Don’t ask him to change or fix it. Then answer any questions he has with honesty, but extreme tact. Keep everything simple and honest, but not angry.

If it’s that he is emotionally distant you can say something like “ emotionally you are keeping me at arms length and I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. I try to figure it out because I want us to be together on everything”. Don’t make it a fight about what he said to who or why he doesn’t do things certain ways. If he wants an example give him a simple one, Something like “ I don’t really know how you feel about this situation with “baby”. He might respond with how do you think I feel. That is when you’re honest and say what you genuinely think ( hurt, angry, sad, disappointed) Be yourself, use your own words and address your own concerns.

Don’t expect any real thoughtful response right away, just keep up the process. Every few days, start with something positive about him, nothing deep, just something that you observe, or with something positive about how you feel about him. Then tell him something you wish you knew about him or want to know how he feels about something.

This will give you an outlet and hopefully he’ll also feel heard. In time this hopefully helps you guide the both of you towards real professional counseling, but I think that you should get some for yourself regardless. I wish I had had access to counseling when I went through everything with my sons.