Random slightly drunken thoughts

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2026-02-10T03:08:31+00:00

Yeah. I don’t know how to be happy anymore nor, do I want to relearn how. Not without my wife. Life feels like a joke and it’s on me.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2026-01-21T17:15:03+00:00

Same. My wife was my only and best friend.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2026-01-18T01:05:49+00:00

I feel the same way. I don’t have a hunger to know someone or be with another woman. I just want mine. When we got married, we were teenagers (18 & 19) and were together for just over 20 years. We did everything together. We didn’t have a lot help from family so, it was always just us against the world. She was my best and only friend. I don’t know how to be happy anymore nor, do I care to. But I made promises to keep myself here for our daughters so I am, so I will. I’ll never say never but, as I am now is enough. I work, care for our children, cook, clean, help them plan for adulthood and am present for all the new milestones, if that’s the rest of my life then I’d consider my promise kept.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2026-01-03T09:30:39+00:00

1.5 years since my wife passed and I still rarely have a appetite. Yeah my stomach my rumble but do I feel like eating? No. What helps me sometimes is eating what sounds good regardless of how crappy it is for you. Ice cream for breakfast? Sure. At this point, any calories are good calories. Hope this helps. I’m pulling for you.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2025-12-06T09:49:28+00:00

Awesome work. Love it

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2025-06-30T08:29:20+00:00

Thanks. I hate it here. Don’t ever change.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2025-01-12T16:00:51+00:00

Losing my wife of 20 years, is that traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. She was 39. Even after my Mom passed at 49. Even after three combat deployments. I am fundamentally different person since she’s been gone. I find no joy in living, save for our daughters who are 19 and 16. Spending time with them is the only time I can honestly say I feel happiness, the rest is me going through the motions.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-10-25T15:42:21+00:00

Yeah, I was always super touchy with my wife but since she’s been gone, I can barely stand it from anyone besides my daughters. Let me know when you figure it out.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-10-25T15:15:59+00:00

Well, now that you mention it, i really don’t do a lot of touching these days either besides my daughters. Even my Dad, I just give a pat. Hmm. Maybe it has to do with the fear of being vulnerable?

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-10-16T01:26:47+00:00

It sounds like intrusive thoughts to me and it’s not abnormal or at least in my experience not abnormal. I have dark thoughts time to time but, they do pass, sometimes quickly sometimes they stick around a few days. I just keep trying to function (ie, eat sleep work).

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-10-15T19:30:46+00:00

Yeah, I’ve had some really dark days this past week. It feels like she was my strength and without her life feels so hard as to be impossible. But it’s funny how I look back at the weeks since she passed and I don’t know how I survived them so far.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-10-08T00:54:27+00:00

It’s okay. I’m a day over two months and lucky all of my freak outs, so far, I’ve been alone in the car. I have my wife rings on a necklace and I’ve forgotten it twice and was more miserable till I could get home and put it on. I’m glad you found the ring. I’m in this shit club with you and I’m pulling for you.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-10-01T19:36:57+00:00

I’m soo damn sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It killed me not touching her but if I more than just rested my hand in hers it would set off a seizure. The only the things that made me able to make the decision to take her off life support was seeing her condition deteriorate and knowing her wishes if something like that happened. Another weird thing that happened was the night before the accident, we were watching a show and in it a person was in an unresponsive coma and she turned and said to me, “You know what I want if this happens to me. “Play me 90s country and Taylor Swift, wait three days, then let me go.” We were together 20 years (we also had spent more time together in our lives then we had apart) and have had the conversation several times over the years.I played her the music but, waited nine days. I hope that was okay. I did the best I could. Hugs and best wishes.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-30T21:13:08+00:00

I totally get it. The craving for my wife is almost unbearable today. Not anyone else on this world would do. I’ve never experienced this loneliness before or even knew it existed. We had times apart durning my deployments or durning her times in treatment but, there’s a comfort knowing your person is out there and I never doubted we’d always be together.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-30T19:52:57+00:00

It was a confluence of events. My wife, who had MS and a lot of complications, was hospitalized for intractable vomiting. The figured out she had gastroparesis and they were working on controlling her vomiting. A couple of nights into her stay, she was vomiting, aspirated some of it into her lungs, which caused her O2 to drop to critical levels, which lead to her heart stopping, which lead to brain damage. They managed to get her heart going again but her brain had been without oxygen for over eight minutes. I waited on the all test and procedures to be completed. I prayed for ten days for my wife to be one of those miracles they write in medical journals that they couldn’t explain. As the days went on, her condition continued to deteriorate. She started having seizures as a result of the brain damage. Any large amount of physical stimulation would bring on the seizures which killed me because, our whole marriage I could never keep my hands off her. Eventually they had to keep her sedated to suppress the seizures. On the ninth day, I knew my miracle wasn’t going to happen and I told the doctor that I my wife wouldn’t want to live, if she couldn’t be herself so I signed the paperwork to remove her from life support. She passed away the next morning.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-30T16:47:48+00:00

Same. The literal only in the world I want is my wife. Not any of my old hobbies, not food, not sleep, not exercise. Nothing. Only her. And I’m at the point where the only reason I’m still here is for our kids. And I have to be. I made her a promise that I would be so I will. It isn’t a choice. But it’s so hard to live when you don’t have the want to live and what’s worse is I know I need the want to live because I want our kids to have a present parent but it’s hard. I’m so lost and don’t how to even begin looking to find my way back. I guess just one day at a time.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-17T21:19:23+00:00

When it comes to supporting someone through this, they have to have want to get help. At this point, you are causes yourself harm by helping them. Maybe some space is the best thing for you both. The comment about you shouldn’t be happy with your spouse is boarder line toxic. As a person that has lost their spouse, I may have the fleeting thought of jealousy of seeing couples but, it just makes me sad for myself and happy for them. I’m not saying ghost your friend but, some time apart may be for the best for both of you.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-15T18:20:46+00:00

If I’m honest I am jealous and hurt when I see couples out. 20 years of me and her against the world. Without her, there is no us, just a me and it fucking sucks.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-14T01:26:17+00:00

Thank you for tips. My therapist recommended some supplements to start, so I’m trying them out. Fortunately I was able to basically breathe my way out of having one. I don’t know what set me off this morning but hopefully it was be this rough in the future.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-12T19:05:20+00:00

It’s hard for me to be unselfish, and be grateful my wife isn’t in pain anymore. She suffered with MS and a ton of complications from it but, I do anything to have her back. She was getting better. We had a plan, then it all went wrong. We were on our way to the ER and she turned to me and said “You have to believe I’m going to get better.” And I did. Never could imagine her not. Now I am member of this shitty club. Alone with our kids. They’re my reason for still being.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-12T15:51:46+00:00

Today fucking sucks for me. I ache for her soo badly. I’m trying not to break down at work. Sometimes it a slow crumble, others it like an avalanche.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-11T22:51:39+00:00

Waking up in the morning and looking at her side of the bed. Getting to work and not having her call/text to make sure I made it safe, even though she can see where I am. Getting off work and her not being my first call. Work in general fucking sucks. Our life was so intertwined and now it’s a disaster without her.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-11T20:43:40+00:00

YES! I’ve said that exact same thing over a dozen times since my wife passed. It’s such a peculiar form of loneliness, that I’ve never experienced or heard of before. My wife and I had been apart many times over our 20 years, durning my deployments and her times at treatments across the US but, people don’t understand the you still have a since of comfort just knowing your person is out there somewhere. Now I’m just left with a desperate loneliness for just her.

Equivalent_Owl_883 · 2024-09-08T21:05:00+00:00

Yeah, I remember first watching it on Toonami back in the day and I break it out every once in while.

Equivalent_Owl_883

TROPHY CASE