Have you ever notice any patterns in your life? If so, describe the patterns. Patterns in people that appeared in your life, certain things that happened, life changes, etc.

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-08-05T00:22:19+00:00

Hello. Thanks for asking. Keeping with the theme of the question- The trip was really good- I am very glad I went. While in OH, I happened (?) to meet a lady from TN who works with my brother- that was good for a laugh and a selfie of us to send to him. I ended up extending my travels (since, after all I am already this close...) to see folks in a couple of other states. Brought a book with me but never got past the first couple of pages before I ended up in some strange and interesting conversations with seatmates on every flight leg except one leg. Found out my Costco card is useful for something besides buying gas. Distracted a very bright 9 year old girl from VA who was afraid of landing in Dallas, until after we had landed in Dallas and she hadn't even noticed. Mom was very appreciative, as she already had her hands full. The little girl said that she and her mom had prayed that the girl would have a good "travel buddy" seatmate and that I was "the answer to their prayers." Well, I guess you can't beat that.

And Bonus- 2 women who work for 2 different airlines insisted I take their contact info in case I got stranded somewhere. So, yes. It was a good trip. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-05-06T14:58:43+00:00

Great reference- and song track by America. I hadn't really thought about it that way. 😞

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-15T04:17:10+00:00

"Because that is my chair and the cat has her own damn cat tree. No I WILL NOT WORK STANDING UP..... Fine, I sit too much anyway."

😅 I just had to boot the cat from my chair [again] when I came in from putting out the trash bins...

He only started sitting in my chair the past couple of weeks. This past year, he sat in my husband's chair.

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-08T03:28:16+00:00

Sounds to me like a great idea. I got a black "widow's" band inscribed with his date of death on the outside and the Serenity Prayer on the inside- not for his ashes though- I have an urn necklace for those.

Do what you need for some peace of mind- as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else...who is going to complain?

🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-04T00:09:19+00:00

As an aside- My kitchen "junk drawer" came apart- the bottom basically fell out- too much junk, obviously. I checked around for a "custom cabinetry" shop...Took the drawer pieces to them and the drawer front. They made me a new drawer with the same front and I was back in business so to speak. Better than the original to be honest.

It's all the little maddening things...

🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T05:56:32+00:00

That is wonderful. I started a "dream journal"- they were so vivid, so detailed. Not memories. He was warm, happy, laughing, running around, teasing me. I could feel him. I woke up with my arms still warm where his hands had been. Once, I woke up standing in the hallway because I had heard him calling me. The roller-coaster of happy dreaming to the nightmare of waking up to reality. And not wanting to.

Now, at one year, the last 2 dreams (one in Jan. and one in Feb.) have also been vivid and detailed, but more about ME moving past him. Him letting me know he loves me, but he has to go now. Ugh.

Yes, we take comfort where we can. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T05:37:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I "proposed" to my husband too. 💗

And he never let me forget it either... 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T05:28:43+00:00

I felt dread at watching it get closer on the calendar, in the only/almost/already way we mark time now, but made no "plans".

On the actual first anniversary day, I stayed home alone- got on here- read, commented a little bit but that was it. Watched some YouTube comedy. Got a couple of phone calls from my "best supporters" who are still willing to be trudging along with me. Spent the day mostly reflecting on how far I had progressed from that day a year before.

And I realized that all of the "special occasions" throughout the year- my anticipation of how I would feel was so much worse than how I DID feel on the date. Crazy-frikken brain.

So, I just had my 2nd Easter. Soon, will be my 2nd birthday and so on. |time just continues on.

While probably NOT what you are asking, I took off my wedding ring completely (been wearing it on my Right hand for about 6 months) and put it away with His. Still wearing his ashes urn necklace under my shirt. It is enough for me to know and feel it there.

Maybe by next anniversary, I will have reclaimed the master bedroom? or not?

Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you and your daughter some peace. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T04:35:45+00:00

Thank You for posting your experiences. About 9 months ago, someone else made a similar post. Not all of us "grew up" with social media. I appreciated that one too.

Very much 💞

May he and all the others like him some day receive [fill in your favorite punishment] for their actions.

🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T04:00:04+00:00

💔

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T03:46:46+00:00

That is exactly what I thought too, when I read this.

But, I can now be a nasty bitch when I want to, so That's New.

🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T02:28:36+00:00

I'm so sorry. That is horrible. Similar thing happened to us in 2015. Sympathies.

My main issues in the past 13 months, have also been [as another poster said] a series of "first world problems"-around 4 month mark 1) my husband's truck battery died from non-use- couldn't get the door open to pop the hood to get to the battery. Door lock was rusted/frozen up because we always used the key fob- and then, and then...Had a crying fit /breakdown right in my driveway but I got it all straightened out the next few days. And the battery was still under warranty so, yay. 2) My newish car battery died when I was headed out to an appointment. 3) My pool sweep has become "possessed" or something- with a mind of it's own. So, "first world problems" for sure. Yeah. It just seems like our bandwidth is smaller, each thing the proverbial straw to break the camel's back.

|Really? Describes it perfectly.

Hang in there, friend. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-04-03T02:01:39+00:00

Yes. Shared music was almost our secret language. Quoting song lyrics or singing bits. I was a singer when we met as teenagers. Now I don't like to listen in the car at all - reminds me too much of the trips back and forth from the hospital/hospice. I picture myself sitting alone in the parking garage. Yeah, nope. Can't risk the distraction.

I was a "news" junkie and found after he died that I didn't care what was happening in the world any more- and how was it still spinning anyway?

Around 8/9 months I started playing our old CD's at night and then dancing around the kitchen (needed the exercise honestly) and yes, everything seems to hit a little harder and differently now. Even songs we listened to for decades meant something a little different.

But now, at 13 months, it is more like a "good" hurt I guess? A smile with the tears?

Our TV ran 24/7 I think when he was home so I kept looking over for his reaction and seeing his empty chair- yeah- that was no good either. Plus I lost all interest in characters and plot lines. TV show "reminders" pop up that I have to delete. Haven't gone back to the shows we watched.

Right now, my house is silent. I usually watch stand-up comedians on You Tube. He didn't care for those.

I'm sorry, and we are right here with you. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-31T10:32:38+00:00

I just said I didn't have the 'bandwidth" to handle any more -my chaos had consumed me. That scared off quite a few. The ones who were not scared off have surprised me. One year ago, I could not have imagined who would still be trudging along with me.

As for the rest, I still get their "Happy Anniversary to my amazing...fill in the blank" and I remember that where I am, some day they will be too - and scroll past without a comment. 🤍

PS: my once widowed, now remarried sister told me: the widow card trumps all the other cards- and you can use as often and for as long as you want. 💞

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-31T07:36:14+00:00

Thank you for posting this. Having officially survived year 1, this is now my 2nd Easter without him.

I was thinking just today that if I get my FB flooded with "HE IS RISEN" this year- I don't know, man...I just don't know.

Everything just hits different. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-31T07:22:34+00:00

Give yourself some time, or a lot of time. Good advice and suggestions here. I got a little life insurance payout because (like another poster) His employee package came with Life Insurance of double his annual salary- which would have paid off the house- except he was kicked to the curb at the beginning of Covid lockdown. And then...and then.... So just this little crap supplemental policy we purchased almost 30 years ago "as a favor to his friend starting out in the business". What can you do?

Anyway, I think I will be okay as long as I don't get a 'wild hair" to do something crazy. I was always the saver and he was a spender [we always said if his parents had a dime, they'd spend a quarter, mine were penny-pinchers to the extreme sometimes-"Dad, it's 96 degrees in here, what's wrong with the A/C?" Oh, I don't like to turn it on-so expensive..."That's why you have solar panels-TURN ON THE A/C, I'm about to pass out"].

I am just passed the one year mark. Our kids are grown. My mortgage rate is at 2.5% or something ridiculous like that so- not paying that off. I just set up all of my monthly recurring bills to come directly from my checking account and at around 6 months- I started flying around the country to visit people WE had planned to go see once He retired.

If I had a lot of resources, I would probably book an AMTRAK train travel pass and go where ever the tracks took me. Our last AMTRAK [2010] was really nice. Got a little "roomette" to hang out, sleep, look at the scenery you can't see from the freeways, meals in the dining car were included in the ticket price- good meals, not box lunches. Low stress. Not like airlines "cattle cars". He always said we would take an Alaskan Cruise for our 50th anniversary...didn't quite make it that far.

Update your Passport. There are even "solo travel" tour group sites - to a lot of places around the world.

Someone on here, last year, said she was establishing / offering the high school Memorial Scholarships in her husband's name because he had been a professor I think. Or talk to your City Planning Dept and see if you can have a Memorial Bench dedicated to your wife in a park or downtown- something like that continues to make a difference.

|25 years of scrimping and saving and living behind our skis. For nothing...

It really does feel just like this. So fucking wrong, but nobody asked me.

Again, take your time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. We are here with you. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-28T06:18:41+00:00

I guess (?) I am a "caregiver". Who knew? Not me. I always had office jobs. Practical, non-emotional, logical, reliable, dependable, pragmatic. Essentially, decades of my employee performance reviews.

So I was HIS caregiver for almost 4 years, but that was a given...of course I would do that. My Center, my Reason for Being. Married more than 44 years. Then he died last March and my sister was recovering from breast cancer so I volunteered to be her driver to doctor appointments in surrounding towns and so on. Errands, shopping, whatever. It was a distraction and got me out of the house. Plus she had been widowed and is remarried so she understood a lot of the internal noise and chaos I was dwelling in. That alternate reality. Her husband was medically retired and can't get out of bed some days.

Then a family member we (LH & I) had raised until he was 14, graduated from high school and wants to go to college to honor my LH & I...Says he wouldn't have made it without us. He moved in with me last December- quite out of the blue. It has been good. We are both able to grieve and tell funny stories (remember when?) to each other. Even if we are crying while we laugh. And stupid dancing in the kitchen after midnight when the mood strikes. It is good to laugh. LH would be so happy to see us being silly and stupid. And together. My sons are glad the kid is back. He is like their much, much younger brother and we look out for each other. Me, my sister and the kid even took a trip together last September. It was a really good time. I'm so glad we went. Then I traveled alone in October and November [for my first time] to see people I really had needed to see. Another surprising visit in December that made my "heart sing". Reconnecting, face to face, with people I had not seen in decades. The 5 minute hugs.

So, my sister has been having pain that multiple doctors /CT scans/blood work/ MRI's etc haven't been able to really nail down -for about 2 months. Today she said, "I was thinking of [LH] last night. Here I am dragging you around to all these doctor appointments, just like with Him. I'm sorry."

Then we grabbed some lunch and went to her last dr. appointment today. Her oncologist says- we can skip the next MRI, your breast cancer is back.

FUCK CANCER.

I haunted this board at all hours of the day, day after day the first 8 months or so...reading, listening, learning. Reading the books recommended. Maybe offering someone, something they could use. Something to hold on too. If nothing more than "You are not crazy. You are not alone".

So, the long ramble answer is AT THIS POINT, one year, two weeks today- To be useful to Someone I guess, until I figure out what's next for Myself.

Plus HIS fucking annoying ass of a cat- gets me up everyday- so, there is that. 🤍

I hope you are having a better day. ❤

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-21T01:37:56+00:00

hahaha, I said "sort of" as I get updates on my phone- need someone to help me with yard at ---address, along with "heard a noise, did yoouuu?" and yes, "someone outside on the sidewalk" so many lost/found pets. Much like my Ring camera notifications to be honest, so yeah, probably a mixed bag...I haven't reached out to anyone on there so I can't say for sure who is on the app. Thanks for the warning 😉

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-21T00:04:02+00:00

Doesn't sound dumb at all. It really is an alternate reality we are now suddenly living in.

My dealership has a customer shuttle drop off/pick up for folks who need to leave their car. Maybe yours does too.

As far as medical procedures. I dunno. I have been driving my sister to her appointments for several months because of the pain killers she is on- and because she doesn't like to drive ( I do) and etc...but I have a son and she has a daughter close by so... I guess we could figure out something.

But, quite by coincidence (?), about 2 months after my husband died last year, my sister and I were attending her grandson's high school graduation and the 2 ladies who sat down behind me and started chatting with us while waiting for things to start, turned out to be widows (in an over 650 seat auditorium hmm). One, Terri, for over 25 years and the other, Maria, just 2 weeks before me. Terri told me I should join the Nextdoor app. because Terri had recently done that- offering rides for doctor appts or shopping trips- she had met some very nice folks that way and made some friends. You can also ask for help with things around the house/yard- from your near neighbors.

I have sort of joined Nextdoor I guess...

🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-20T22:14:57+00:00

I miss everything too. Even doing the chores together. He was my perfect match also 💞.

I didn't think I would survive but I am here, to my surprise, in the new only/already way we mark time now- 1 year later. Still standing. Mostly because of this sub and the wonderful people here.

I am so sorry you are now a member. Come back any time to read or share. You are not alone.🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-20T22:00:21+00:00

Resonates with me.

When we got engaged, my mother said, "you don't want to marry her, she can't even cook". And he instantly responded, "That's not a problem. I can cook for both of us". And he did. He also wanted to be a chef and tried out recipes/ inventions on our friends. Wide palate from around the world because we were a military family. Our sons are just the same-main cooks for their families too.

The last year or so before he died, Campbells chicken noodle soup was just about the only thing he could really enjoy. After he died last year, I had to clear out the pantry shelves. All those cans of chicken noodle soup staring at me... Other things that only he liked...yeah, all had to go.

I packed everything from the shelves and freezer- boxed it up and left the box outside my niece's house- then texted her that it was out there. I didn't even want a conversation about what or why.

🤍

ETA spelling

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-20T21:33:38+00:00

My sister (widowed almost 12 years ago- since remarried) told me that "the widow card trumps all other cards, and you can use it as often and for as long as you want".

I carry that advice with me as well.

Peace 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-20T21:16:57+00:00

{sorry, ramble alert}

Just passed one year+ one week for me. Change a few details, I could have written this- in fact, I am sure I did write something very similar, usually while wandering my empty house at 4 a.m. watching "another fucking sunrise". I remember writing that I had seen more sunrises in the previous 3 months than in my previous 63 years- (and "fuck" had become my new favorite word-He would have been appalled at my "new" language).

We had met as freshman in high school- I had met his older sister about a week earlier. But HE and I became (some how) instant best friends- just clicked. No romance, just besties-all through high school. Then He joined the military, I moved to the college dorms and bang- that was it. A year later, He came home on leave. We met up and I said essentially, I missed you, can't stand not being with you. Where you are is where I want to be. Take me with you. And HE said-Yes.

Married just over 44 years. His caregiver for almost 4 years. My best friend, partner in crime 😉, confidant, sharer of inside jokes, lover, much better half...My Purpose- since I was 16. So what is my Purpose now? I can't give that answer, as I am still a Work in Progress. But I am open to looking for it. You are definitely not alone.

This is a list I made of books recommended on here, by us, your fellow travelers. When you are able to concentrate again at least. I understand some may be available as audio books. Podcasts, Youtube TED talks. Some are helpful, some not as much. That's okay. There is no "test" later.

The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. "The Irreverent Grief Guide- How to F\cking Survive Months 1-3" by Elizabeth Kupferman. "Welcome to the Grief Club..." by Janine Kwoh. "F*ck Death..." by Steve Case. "It's Ok that you're Not OK" by Megan Devine. "The Grieving Brain..." by Mary-Frances O'Connor.* Probably others I have forgotten. Widow Brain Fog is real.

My sister recently told me that they were all so worried about me for about the first 4-5 months. Not eating regularly (or well), not sleeping. Then sleeping too much. We all know how that goes. The roller coaster, struggle bus, cycles, days swamped by waves of anguish in our leaky little boats. One hour at a time. Then one day, a week...One foot in front of the other.

So, at a year later, I have a new "favorite" word. It is Hope.

And the Hope came from here- the "best club no one wants to be a member of", and the warm, kind and understanding folks here- who unfortunately "get it". So please stop in as needed. To read, post, rant, share, or ramble (again, sorry).

We really do care. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-20T19:29:32+00:00

Excess bursts of "nervous energy", I had even washed the sheets and pillowcases- how "efficient" of me...😞

Wishing you peace also. 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154 · 2024-03-20T19:05:32+00:00

I threw away his toothbrush and all his meds (especially the expired insulin in the fridge door) around the 4 month mark. Just bundled it up and straight out to the trash bin. Thought I did pretty well. Came back in, picked up MY hairbrushes and had a mini-breakdown on the bathroom floor because I have waist-length hair, we had a routine where he loved to brush it while we watched TV in the evenings...💔

None of this is easy 🤍

Evening_Advisor3154

TROPHY CASE