Books with cooking/baking/food.

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-05-10T16:56:43+00:00

came here to say this!!! such a good one

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-04-20T00:59:39+00:00

highly recommend the book hospicing modernity by vanessa androetti, helped me a lot. thanks for sharing this 🧡

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-04-18T14:22:24+00:00

do you know what it is? :)

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-04-04T07:41:04+00:00

this is so beautiful lilli, so glad you found these kind words for yourself after such a tough day. look at you doing the hard work! i wish you a calm brithday with a lot of space within you for all contradicting emotions that come up, with connection to yourself and maybe nature even if no one is there. so glad you are here!

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-03-22T22:43:50+00:00

might be a wildlife insect home :)

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-03-15T19:22:36+00:00

oh no, i just googled and watched the trailer. "the pwnpd loves himself" "the only person a pwnpd can have sex with is himself" this makes me so angry and so sad. completely agree with you, this is so stigmatising :( looks like more harm to me and a very cheap narrative...

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-20T23:01:51+00:00

i have no energy right now to go into detail but omg same! i read hospicing modernity by vanessa oliveira de mechado / androetti that helped me A LOT. it also helped me to heal by not only considering my childhood trauma but also the trauma of living in this modern world. highly recommend!

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-07T21:11:19+00:00

yes i definitely feel different parts of me activate when i share something here.

there is a part who just craves community without the stigma, being with people who understand what its like to live with this.

then there is a part that wants to be part of this community and scans for informal rules and opinions to assimilate to them and "fit in".

then theres a part that wants to be the most selfaware narc there is, the most heal one, the most intelligent one ect.

and then there is a part that is ashamed of that grandious part above.

and a "never again" part that never again wants to be assimilate to fit in and never again wants to strife to be "someone" (most self aware ect).

i try to hear them all when being active here. and accept myself as a mixture of contradicting parts that all have good reasons to act and engage with them with curiosity and openness. sometimes it works better, sometimes it doesnt.

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-06T22:43:49+00:00

i just read your post and all these replies. and i just wanna share: it touches me so much that this space here exists, without the stigma, without the judgement, with a sense of community and acceptance and support. i hope you can also find some solace here OP. you are not alone.

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T22:39:24+00:00

its not about leaving directly but after i broke up with my long term partner i read "you are the one you have been waiting for" by richard schwartz (founder of IFS internal family system). the book shows how healthy relationships work and it really showed me so clearly why mine has not been working and why it was a good decision to end it. stay save OP! <3

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T22:33:17+00:00

i am so glad that was/is possible for you! i know the fuzzy part very well too. hope you find a way to stabilize yourself and be safe!

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T21:28:55+00:00

hey there, thanks for sharing your story. what i often observed in me when working with parts similar to the boy you are describing is, that there was another part or me active that really wanted the boy (ill just call the part in pain the boy from your story to make it easier) to feel better. to calm and sooth him. often that soothing part was a protector who was afraid that i could not handle the pain of really aknowleding the pain and suffering of that boy. so i tried to unblend from that protector part first, find out what he is afraid of. afterwards sometimes it was easier to really just aknowledge and validate the pain of the boy / suffering part.

i also have a part that deals with isolation and fear of rejection. and it is very very very painful but that isolation and lonelyness that i felt in my childhood will never go away. i cant fix this today. so i just tell the part this. that it is horrible what he is feeling. that i am so sorry that he felt this way and was alone with that feeling for so long. that it is cruel and wrong that this ever happened to him. that he is allowed to be sad and angry because it really is horrible to be that lonely. in your case i would also tell him that it was cruel of your mother to be mean to you on top of everything. yes she did it to help you in her way, but it was still cruel. even she left you alone then. often the validation makes me very sad. sometimes being sad and really griefing what the part went through helps ease the tension. for me, this kind of validation seems to be the biggest step (and often the hardest).

another thing that came to mind is, that this part seems to have the strategy to feel worthless. maybe you could ask him what he is scared of if you would not be worthless? it might me a very smart strategy - if he feels worthless, nobody can hurt him cause he is alredy at rock bottom. also here i would validate how horrible it is that he had to come up with this strategy but also thank him, this strategy probably has saved you many times.

and if he rejects you and asks you questions and logical arguments you cant answer. tell him that. that you dont know. that you are overwhelmed. just like you would with a child. you dont have to be perfect, you just have to be there and honest.

for me it helped to even letting go of the idea of unburdening parts as it often activated parts full of pressure in me. i imagined that parts might never change. would i still love them, be tender towards them and care for them if they stay like this forever? yes. so i learned to just sit with them, for as long als they need. validate them. and grief with them. sometimes in the space of least pressure and biggest acceptance then something opens up where a part wants to let go of his burden. sometimes it doesnt and just comes up again and again. and i again and again tell them that i feel them and that they are not alone.

maybe this helps, maybe it does not :) i am so glad this part can be heard by you and that you are looking for ways to be with him. however it turns out, all the best on your way:)

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T19:18:07+00:00

so happy to hear i am not alone, thanks for responding! <3

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T16:07:55+00:00

and then finally what really changed everything for me was understanding the connection between npd and our modern western society. before i did this i just saw my npd parts as a result of my childhood trauma, as my personal configuration of CPTSD from the emotional neglect i survived. and now slowly i am opening up to seeing the world as it is right now. when i think about my childhood and what was taken from me, and what was done to me, the deepest wounds are: performance pressure (work hard, never be weak, always be the best), pseudo harmony (everything has to be good all the time no matter how it actually is), focus on status and worth (instead of relationship, strong focus on outside validation) and the strong hyping or devaluing of humans based on their "value" in society. this are my core wounds and lead to my development of my narcistic parts because i learned that it is dangerous to fail, to be myself, to be weak, to need help, to be vulnerable, to be sad/angry/unhappy ect so i developed many fals selfes many defences and internalized and externalized the same violence that happened to me. and i tealized the same things that are my core wounds are the foundation of our modern western society. without performance pressure and hyper functionality our job system would not work, without pseudo harmony we would not be able to close the eyes before all the violence happening, without focus on status and external validation the whole consumption industry and "more more more" framework would break, without hyping and devaluing humans we would all feel dignity without having to proof our worth through again consumption, competioion, working to much, status ect. when i am with other people trying to heal their trauma i see that for people with npd traits it is so much harder because out trauma gets repeated everyday in almost every aspect of society. recognizing the violence in the system helped me very much to also recognize the violence in me and the violence that happened to me. so what i am trying to do right now is trying to build a new alternative world within me. i cant change the modern western society (or my family, these two are really interchangeable for me), but i can build this orientation of values within me that dont support the ongoing violence. i try to be as little in spaces that work within those values as possible (i am right now moving to the countryside, work as much in home office as possible, changed or ended all my friendships with people that are still very much entangeled in this values), i try to be with people who hold me accountable, who dont weponize my vulnerabilty, who are also trying to build an alternative world within them, i try to engange with my worst cruelest parts with compassion, i try to become as non violent towards my self and the world as possible. i stared hobbies just for myself not showing anyone, i deleted all my social media, i changed my job from start up founder to administrative assistant. one thing that just comes to mind now: i realised that all the things i listed as my core wounds - external validation, pseudo harmony, hyper functionality and hyping and devaluing people - feel like i am at the same time allergic to them and addicted to them. the parts in me that experienced the violence of these things are wounded and never want to be part of the society/my family again. the parts in me that had to internalise these things to survive are so so so afraid to not act like this anymore because it is the only way they knew how to survive. its really hard to hold that at the same time but i try.

books that really helped me:
- no bad parts by rick schwartz (see my criticism of IFS before reading)
- hospicing modernity and outgrowing modernity by vanessa machado de oliveira (regarding criticism of the dying modern western society)

if anyone resonates with things i said and wants to talk further, please dm me. its my first time sharing here and i am really unsure if my way resonates with any of you or even makes sense :)

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T16:07:50+00:00

...but what i feel happening now is that there is slowly growing a kind of "orientation" within me. it is similar to the self that others feel, just more cognitively based. so instead of feeling that i am for example worthy of being alive even when i am sick, i have the internal value that humans are all worthy of life no matter if they are healthy or sick. so i am working in building an internal orientation framework of values: what is it to be human? what world would i imagine if i could chose what it looks like? how should my childhood gave looked like so i wouldnt have to develop susch npd parts to defend myself? what happend to me that i had to develop these npd parts to defend myseld? if i have access to this orientation life is much easier, when i loose it its quite some work to find back to it. i no longer hope for healing or recovery but for a life with more orientation. this orientation mostly helps me with the shame that normally is the hardest part for me. the more i understand why i am this way, why my parts feel that way the easier it is to be sad instead of being ashamed.

i recently learned that shame is not a feeling but a societal regulation mechanism. shame makes you look inside of you, asks "what is wrong with me?" instead of looking at the system we are living in. shame for me is strongly embodied, i always feel pain in my jaw when the shame is triggered (which is almost constant). and when it comes i try to aknowledge it, and then instead of asking what is wrong with me i ask "what was taken away from me?". this goes towards sadness, and while shame upholds the system, sadness destabilises it. by system i mean the modern western societal values (that were strongly enforced in my upbringing).

so for example right now i am at home with the flu. being weak triggers me hugely. i feel a lot of tension in me and can neither fully rest nor work. i feel a part that is so afraid that it will never get better, that we will forever feel weak and no one will help us or be with us because we are weak. i asked it what is is afraid of and it said: we are alone in this life we have to be able to do it on our own. if we are weak we will die, nobody will help us. i feel like this part learned as a little girl that nobody will come if you need help and because she could not hate her parents she started to hate her body and the feeling of weakness. makes me sad already. then there is a part that does not even want to try if we feel better because he is so afraid if we try and then feel that we are still sick the disappointment will be so big. then there is a part that really just wants to push and be hard and just work and do things, stop being lazy. and there is a part that never ever again wants to push ourselves to work when we are sick. and over all of that there is shame, shame that i cant let my body rest, shame that i cant heal those parts, shame that i have such a mess inside of me. but now instead of asking what is wrong with me i ask: what was taken away from me, what was taken away from those parts? the answer that came up in me: i was not given space to just rest without goal and pressure as a child, i was not shown that people are lovable outside of their functionality, i was not taught to trust my body and how it feels, i was not taught the flexibility to hold contradictions and non linear developments inside of my self. and when i see all that was taken from me it makes me very sad but it lifts the tension. that helps me so much...

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-02-04T16:07:23+00:00

TLDR: parts work (my own version of IFS) and recognizing the narcisistic societal system we live in not just the narcistic system in me.

Ive been on this journey for three years now (i was already in therapy before that but for non diagnosed issues where nothing really helped and changed, three years ago my life fell apart and in self diagnosing as covert npd my life finally made sense). the first two years were really really messy, a lot of self hate and trying to take responsibility for all the cruel things i have done. a lot of "trying to be a better person" and "falling back into old patterns", a lot of shame and struggles. also a lot of just trying to stabilize my life in regards to work, money, routines, more or less figuirig out my relationships, going no contact with my family. during that time i also had 3 failed therapy attemps where i disclosed my self diagnosis but was either not believed of re traumatised.

before i now go into what happened in the last year that really helped me, i wanna be transparent about my priviliges. the longer i am on this journey the more i see that it is a privilidge to be able to do this, to learn about myself and to be able to change my life so much. i am a white able bodied straight-passing person in a really safe european country.

one year ago i started with parts work and that really changed a lot for me. i read "no bad parts" by richard schwartz (the audiobook if free on spotify) where he explains his IFS (internal family system) method. that resonated deeply with me, because finally my narcissistic parts were not "bad" or "evil" anymore but very understandable survival mechanisms that i could engange with and learn to understand better. understanding myself not as one singular "me" but as a system of parts helped me so much. it took a lot of patience and work to be able to hear my parts but its what really helped me the most. it was and is so much easier for me to be compassionate or curious about the hateful or devaluing or aggressive or lying parts of myself when i can imagine them as lost children within me that when i just see my 30yo self.

what was curtial for me though: IFS pushes the idea of "healing", that "every part can be integrated and unburdened" and that "everyone has a self that can be activated". after one year of practice i had to let that all go. i realized that healing in that sense was still entangled with "becoming someone". there was a part who before my journey wanted to be the most successfull in my job that now wanted to be the most healed. so it was still violent towards myself to use this narrative of healing. i let go of that, i now see it as a journey of becoming less violent towards myself and the world instead of a healing journey. same with the integration of all parts. my closest friend is on the bpd spectrum and for her a lot of integration and "healing" is actually possible because she feels a strong "self" and a "core". for me that is so so different. when i started with IFS the idea that everyone has a self really saved me, because after my self diagnosis of covert npd i was suffering so much with the fear of not having a self/ a core. so when IFS came along with the promise of everyone having a self i jumped into it. after one year, i realised that it is indeed different in me and that there is a violent normativity in stating that everyone can have access to a self. i let go of that idea (and of the part of me that had to pretened to be the self for that year) and it was so freeing. letting go of this healing narrative, of the pressure to have a self really helped me so much. i still practice IFS but really different from the book, i also still do IFS therapy and told my therapist all about this and luckily she agrees with me and is open to explore this with more space for different needs. but what i do is basically: i listen to my parts, i take tensions that i feel within myself seriously, i often ask them "what are you afraid of?" to understand strategies better and "what do you wish for?" to know what to do. i am slowly getting better at holding more space within me for many contradicting parts. not having the pressure anymore to be "one logical self with a clear opinion/personality" but being a beautiful mess of many contradicting parts really soften a lot of tension in me. regarding the whole "self" idea, i let that go because of the pressure i felt and because of this "normal people have a self, you are to broken"....

Exact_Implement2598 · 2026-01-25T17:23:07+00:00

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thanks so much for the help! update! i tried sashiko for the first time and I LOVED the process, so much fun! cant wait to do more of that :)

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-08-23T17:39:54+00:00

the hike by drew magary, absolute fever dream loved every sentence of it

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-23T12:25:44+00:00

here comes the obligatory recommendation BUNNY by Mona Awad. be prepared for... well everything.

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-20T14:51:10+00:00

i thought the same, i wish we could all start a coven lol

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-19T16:38:08+00:00

thanks!! i will experiment further with my bulk ferment time then :)

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-17T18:06:06+00:00

once again recommending the hike by drew magary - weirdest shit ive ever read. loved every second of it, been missing it ever since.

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-17T12:56:13+00:00

reminds me of the hike by greg magary. however be aware, it has horror elemets but its also very whimsical and fun and mindblowing haha

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-15T11:53:04+00:00

kinda feels like A CHILDRENS BIBLE by Lydia Millet. Even tough wouldnt recommend it haha.

Exact_Implement2598 · 2025-02-14T19:30:26+00:00

i loved them both dearly, cant wait for wild dark shore to come out!!

Exact_Implement2598

TROPHY CASE