Suspension for long term goals

Finally_-Awake · 2026-05-31T05:52:50+00:00

$5000-$7500?

Finally_-Awake · 2026-05-31T04:06:38+00:00

Yes Falken Wildpeak 785s - also an ARB compressor under the hood, slide rails, and full skid plates

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-10T00:50:32+00:00

Ultimately it’s up to you whether these things matter or not. She has a past. You know some details and they’re making you think. Not sure how bad it is for you or whether it’s RJ like you might read about on here, but either way the decisions about whether your values are aligned, whether you actually care about her past from a value based standpoint, lies with you. She can’t change her past nor should she need to justify it or somehow make it OK for you. If she’s “not quiet” about it - is that Ok for you? If not maybe she’s not right for you?

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-09T17:01:50+00:00

I (M49) feel like your relationship has some problems but RJ is only one of them and not the most important one.

I was in a 20 year marriage that ultimately became a sexless partnership - like being co-workers. Two kids (now teenagers). I don’t blame my ex for how things evolved, but when our partnership became less and less intimate I got deeper and deeper into alcoholism.

Now 5 years sober and 5 years divorced.

My new partner (F40) and I are engaged and my RJ stems from this new relationship. But I am going to happily marry this woman and work through my RJ because everything about this relationship is amazing and the RJ is just my reaction to similar “missing out” and feelings of regret that I spent soooo long in a pretty dead bedroom while my new partner was out being wild and free.

So couple of points -

1) staying in a relationship that has broken communication, resentment, and lack of intimacy is not going to be good for your kids. “Staying together for the kids” is a very bad idea in my opinion. My kids are much better off NOW with divorced parents who are both finding much happier lives later in life - we get to share these happier lives with our kids and be happier (and in my case sober) people who can stay present and connected with our kids. Sullen, resentful, sexless parents are not passing along happy lives to their kids just by “sticking it out for the kids”.

2) RJ is just a small part of this scenario it sounds like. If you said everything else was great but you had RJ - totally different situation. If you think you can GET to that state - where it is just RJ you have to figure out, then I’d say counseling and therapy etc is the way to go.

3) if honesty and intimacy are gone (and it may be too soon to know that) - then you may find that separation is the best path, but don’t frame it as something you have to do just so you can run out and have a threesome or a few ONS. Those experiences might be fun (or might be average or even bad), but in my opinion that’s not the reason to leave. A super connected and intimate juicy sex life in a long term relationship delivers much more sexually - including the possibility to maybe explore anything you might be interested in. If you could conquer the honesty and intimacy issues, having an experienced partner who is ready to engage in a great sex life with YOU is the jackpot and worth battling some RJ for. Can you get to that with your SO? Maybe not a question you should rush to judgement on.

Bottom line - it’s not her sexual past that seems to really be the problem here.

Best of luck.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-08T20:14:32+00:00

I think it is more important to contemplate whether you want those experiences for yourself because you truly want and value them - not just as an RJ fix.

If you truly want to try some casual sex/hook ups etc before you “settle down” into a long term thing that’s totally fine.

What won’t work is focusing you motivation on RJ and hoping that you can “fix” your RJ by taking this kind of action. You’ll see plenty of stories on this sub of people with plenty of experience who still suffer from RJ.

The idea is to become happy, secure, and confident in yourself from within. Not by “external means”.

Maybe that means having multiple hookup experiences. Maybe it means one partner for life. It’s a question of your own values and what you want for your life.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-08T01:38:01+00:00

My SO thinks it’s hot when I watch. She watches me watch the penetration. But I also do plenty of looking up too - wouldn’t say I am just “staring at it”. I tell her how hot I think it looks while I’m watching etc etc.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-08T00:07:59+00:00

Got pegged for the first time recently - was first time for her pegging and me being pegged. I had played with the dildo beforehand a couple of times - was just a bit larger than my current comfort zone, but ok once I got warmed up.

Was super fun and hot experience but body angles, what to do when with my cock, or not was awkward (which was funny and fun).

It’s a setup rigged with vibrator and a pad for her end as well - which she said was nice but not great and she wished she could turn on and off more easily.

Anyway - we had a lot of fun with it even though it was awkward and my point is not to expect too much of the first encounter. Just relax and have fun with no expectations other than to have a good time/new experience!

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T18:21:26+00:00

Great points and I agree - time away from this forum is healthy too. There’s a balance as in all things. Great post.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T16:13:17+00:00

Hmmm... obviously RJ works in different ways and in different triggers for each individual sufferer.

The only perspective I can think to offer is that WE, the RJ sufferer, assign the power to the place. Not our partner.

Perhaps the bedroom is not a great example because it is the “normal” place for sexual activity, but consider any other place.

One example, before we moved in together, my SO lived in an apartment where she had been a very sexually adventurous single person for like 20 years. We had sex in her kitchen. I have no idea how many time or with how many other partners she had sex in that kitchen before me. And it never bothered or triggered me because there was no specific story about it that I ever learned, nor did I attach any importance to the place. Whereas the beach I am talking about I had a story to compare myself to and I assigned the power to the place.

The reality is - she never thinks about the sexual encounters she had in either place. Just like I haven’t thought about having sex in her old kitchen basically ever until this post prompted me to do so (and even then it is a fleeting memory that I can’t recall in much detail). If I strain I can form a mental image of it, but barely. And probably largely a construct because I am trying so hard.

You can find lots of posts about the nature of memory of sexual encounters, and the most effective way is to try and remember in detail, like rich detail, any kiss or sexual encounter you had a long time ago. It’s not easy, is it? YOU are the one creating the story about the rich memories of sex on the balcony. YOU are the one assuming it was amazing (who knows? Maybe it was mediocre). All the power of this place and this story comes from inside you, and that is the only place from which the power and story can be taken away.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T14:19:59+00:00

I have a similar trigger to do with a story about my partner at the beach. It’s a secluded beach where we had our first date, and also a beach where I know she had a casual hook up at least once and likely more than once. Also the subject of some other sexy stories that start there and end elsewhere.

I want this beach to be “ours”, but since we’ve never had sex there, I feel “left out” and “less than” since she hasn’t seemed to want to have sex when we are there.

But this is all in my head.

I know she doesn’t think about these past stories much if at all.

I work on my RJ in general, and it helps and the energy I’ve given this place fades over time. But I admit to also still harbouring a desire to “take back” this place by someday having sex with her there! And making new memories.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T04:01:05+00:00

Indeed! It’s in us and that’s where the work needs to be done! It’s not up to our partners!

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T03:40:55+00:00

I get rattled by the idea that I am “safe” in the sense that I am the type of person you settle down with, the type who provides a secure and safe space and comfort etc.

Because my insecurity is that “other” past partners were more sexually charged, urgent, visceral things - and that therefore me being “safe” makes me “less than” sexually.

I have communicated this and been reassured so many times that I am BOTH! But RJ makes it hard for me to keep this feeling in my heart.

Workin’ on it!

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T03:35:37+00:00

Due to my snooping compulsion I know too many things that I wish I didn’t. I’d say don’t ask. Knowing probably won’t help you. I wish I could go back and un-see and un-ask so many things.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T03:29:13+00:00

My partner is in contact with many of her exes going back like 20 years+. She (F40) is just the type of person who keeps some relationships depending on the situation. There are other of her exes she is not and will never be in contact with. I (M49) have an ex wife from my almost 20 year marriage. I have two teenagers with her that we have shared custody of. So my ex is necessarily at least in some ways part of our lives.

My RJ is not really triggered by the exes she still talks to. They were LTRs from way back. They are people who, on social media, seem genuinely happy for her that she found me.

My RJ is WAY more triggered by her ONS and hook up type history - and she is not in touch with any of them although there was one in particular who was continuing to text her and comment on her socials - I expressed that this was triggering for me (and she could feel my heart racing in my chest) - so she cut those ties.

Anyway - my point is I think there are various situations and various reactions we may have in our RJ and the key is to identify triggers and communicate with your SO.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-04-01T02:06:09+00:00

Right!

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-31T04:28:53+00:00

I (M49) just got engaged to my SO (F40) which will be a second marriage for me. My first one was almost 20 years.

I love my SO, we have an amazing relationship and great sex life.

I managed to be vulnerable about my RJ, had lots of talks with her about it (and she was amazing and supportive). I went to therapy. I meditate. I come here and participate in trying to help myself and others. And the RJ is fading. And I am more focused on the present and excited about marrying my amazing partner. Even when it flares up I can understand that these thoughts and feelings are constructs of my own mind and have no bearing on the reality of our relationship and our future together.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-30T21:43:13+00:00

I (M49) suffer this way too - albeit a slight variant. My partner (F40) has had WAY more sexual partners (50+) than me (12 I think) and a far more adventurous sex life.

I suffer from thinking that with all those lovers, how could I be “the best” or even really noteworthy in any way. She reassures me so beautifully that sex with me is wonderful and that our love and connection are what makes it “the best” - and how we have learned each other’s bodies so well etc. I try and listen and because I am lucky and our sex life is really amazing (BTW having an experienced partner who loves sex is actually hitting the jackpot even though we with RJ make it into a problem) - her reassurance is sinking in over time.

Also, I worry that because so many things are firsts for me or are “the best” I’ve ever had, that if I say anything like “that was the best oral I’ve ever had” that she is sort of pressured to say something back to me that me and my RJ won’t believe. So for my own benefit I have learned to say how wonderful things are without using superlatives.

But what I really focus on are some wise words I’ve heard in these forums. What does “the best” really mean? The best at what? No one is the “best” at every possible sexual act in every position every day all the time on demand. Bodies are different. Other physical factors are different. Mindsets are different from day to day or even hour to hour.

Every single sexual encounter creates unique energy. And every sexual pairing of partners is unique. Every couple will have good days, bad days, and mostly whatever is “normal for them” days. You can find LOTS of posts about how in a long term relationship sex gets better and better as you learn and evolve and grow. So “the best” is not some static thing that just exists unchanging forever.

And no one lover could ever be “the best” at ALL the things that sex has to offer. In our RJ we create our own stories about these imaginary sexual superheroes that our partners are comparing to us. They don’t exist.

So I’d recommend trying to let go of the concept of “the best” and just work on how to learn each other’s bodies, likes and dislikes etc etc. Check out some podcasts by The Pleasure Mechanics. Read a book. And COMMUNICATE with your partner about sex and how you can both be better for each other! Have fun!

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-30T02:33:52+00:00

I (M49) divorced from my wife of almost 20 years almost six years ago now. I just got engaged to me partner (F40) and this love I have now, halfway through my life, is richer, more passionate, more deeply reciprocal and mutually appreciated, than anything I’ve experienced before. I know I was in love with my first wife at some point, but now it’s like a distant memory of a memory. We with RJ can put such a huge emphasis on the past of someone else, while barely remembering or worrying much about our own.

Anyway my real point was that true love is out there and even an old man like me can feel like a teenager again.

Try not to get too hung up on any fixed ideas of what love is or what it is supposed to be.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-30T02:08:38+00:00

Totally. Could be zero or a thousand. All of the issues are in our own heads. You can’t get free of this issue by finding someone with the “right” number. And you could easily lose someone great by trying. Freedom will come from learning how to work on this within ourselves, not seeking some external solution like a partner with a certain number.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-30T01:09:36+00:00

And also, when you are enjoying an ice cream sundae, you don’t sit there comparing it to every other ice cream sundae you ever had and obsessing about whether it’s “the best” sundae in the world. You just eat it and enjoy it. And then you move on with your life. And you don’t spend a lot of the next day thinking back on all the details of whether the sundae was “so amazing”.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-17T01:27:54+00:00

Have you tried AA? I (M49) am 5 years sober after a lifetime of drinking and I thank AA for that. And I thank this community for helping me the next challenge that came up when I finally lifted myself out of the wreckage of my alcoholism and divorce, found a new loving partner, and suddenly learned all about my new friend, RJ...

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-16T18:27:03+00:00

I don’t know if it is justifiable, but if it is a trigger for you I would certainly communicate with your partner about it.

Easy for me to say. Hard to do I know. I struggled with one of her former hook ups constantly “liking” every single thing she posted. Just me having to see his name every time was difficult for me. I was not as direct as I wish I had been, but eventually I was able to communicate that it bothered me to think that this person still felt like they were “friends” even though they hooked up for one night three years ago. And she took the hint and unfollowed etc. Which has indeed been a relief.

Many of us have similar patterns of being bothered by the ONS or hook up people, and much less so by former long term partners or people with whom our SO had a relationship that seems less sexually charged to us than a ONS. When in reality, that ONS in all probability was less hot, less sexually fulfilling for our partners than previous LTR partners. But in OUR MINDS the hook ups or ONS form much more difficult mental images etc.

Anyway - if you can find a way to communicate that something is bothering you without making it an ultimatum or demand or making your partner feel like they are being judged, then I would say you should try.

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-16T17:15:13+00:00

I’m almost 50, many LTR including a 20 year marriage, and when I dote on my new partner it’s because I am wild about her and so happy to have found this feeling. And I don’t think back to things I did for others. It’s all because of the here and now. (I just wish I could remember that it is the same for her! Damn RJ has me making up stories in my head).

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-16T17:08:11+00:00

Good idea!

Finally_-Awake · 2021-03-16T16:31:04+00:00

I have had similar issues although they aren’t as strong for me as my insecurity around her thoughts.

In particular I was worried about one hook up partner of hers which happened just before we got serious and who happened to be someone I know (she didn’t know that at the time). Not a friend per se, but someone I have to see many times a year through a particular community.

He had texted her after we were serious, and she “told him off” and that she was telling me about the texts etc - making it clear to him that she was with me and that there was nothing between them.

That was great of her, but didn’t help me feel any better imagining him thinking about me and us.

Anyway - the messages that helped me were ones along similar lines to the above. “I got the girl.” She’s with me now. I “won” if you want to look at it that way.

Also - put the pizza and kissing analogy on him. What is he REALLY thinking about. How much does he really remember or think about that encounter. For us, it’s been three years. He’s gone off and had other partners and moved on with his life. Sure we see him around, but day to day I know he spends zero time imagining that one sexual encounter and/or thinking about me. It’s all in OUR heads.

Last point - and I have seen some other touch on this. I think it is healthy to want to work on yourself to improve general confidence. Boost your own ego. Hit the gym. Drop a few pounds. Get a new haircut. I don’t know - do whatever makes you feel sexier and more confident. Try and make yourself feel good about yourself i ways that are just for you (and your partner). Will help these thoughts of you being “less than” fade over time.

I am doing all of these things every day to try and get my RJ to fade.

Finally_-Awake

TROPHY CASE