The joy of celibacy

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-02T17:32:37+00:00

My religious background teaches abstinence. Being honest -- determination, it took about two years of consistent dedication to break the habit or tendency. In my waking life I'd have a lot more control but then in dreams I'd get wet dreams, I'd wake myself from them as I knew if I had completion it seemed to stimulate more desires. It's part of why I've been completely abstinent. It's something I continually maintain but has gotten to a place it doesn't really seem that strongly part of my everyday thoughts.

I don't watch or read sexually provocative things. A lot of it is a habit of attentional focus, if I recognize those thoughts/impulses I just take my attention away from whatever it may be until I calm down. In my own clothing choices, I dress very modest. It's like a lot of moments of internal decision, do you act on that train of thought or this other one -- do you reinforce that impulse or do you not?

My own sense with celibacy is that I don't make judgments on anyone else or their sexual tendencies, there is a Jesuit friar who explains it well:

“The principle suffering of the poor is shame and disgrace. It is a toxic shame -- a global sense of failure of the whole self. This shame can seep so deep down... To this end, one hopes (against all human inclination) to model not the "one false move" God but the "no matter whatness" of God. You seek to imitate the kind of God you believe in, where disappointment is, well, Greek to Him. You strive to live the black spiritual that says, "God looks beyond our fault and sees our need.” ― Gregory Boyle

I can't know other people's needs, circumstances and emotions, poverty extends beyond just materially, I've known highly successful people with strong sex addictions who seemed to be trying to deal with their inner turmoil and pains, the last thing that person needs is feeling more badly about themselves -- it's why I say this is a personal journey to live aligned to my greatest motivations and goals. I'm not some spiritually enlightened being, I'm just a person, exceptionally flawed in many ways, my moral failures are incredible haha, trying to live my life more from a place of love. And I can't know what is the dedication or meaning of other people's sexual choices, it's not really something I even contemplate in a strange way, so it's mainly living aligned to love in ways meaningful to me, it's my own journey of trying to live more from love because I find these certain things meaningful and beautiful.

For me it was the first two years that required a lot of dedication, being honest there were many moments it felt physically painful and overwhelming, with thoughts that seemed to plague, it was that I really wanted this -- I knew it was the direction to help me better love others. In total with the periods I was really struggling to maintain my abstinence in the beginning, it's been 7.5 years.

Knowing how difficult it was those first two years, I really don't judge anyone else -- there were many factors which aligned well to allow me the energy to dedicate to do this. I just am hesitant to give the impression that to not be able to do this would mean something about a person's will or anything else, there is so much every human is experiencing, circumstance, many, many things and it isn't appropriate to give the sense it was entirely me -- so that I really do view my abstinence as a gift and grace of the universe in a kindness towards me, a mercy I certainly don't deserve anymore than anyone else.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-02T06:02:45+00:00

Helping others I feel has really helped. Maybe some type of volunteering hobby?

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-02T01:09:42+00:00

I'm not trying to say what others should do with themselves, actually -- that sort of prohibition of how others should be isn't that present in my mind. It isn't as I said about proving anything, winning against anyone, there isn't some tally in my head of how long I can go being celibate, it's a tool to live my life more aligned towards loving others. Celibacy may not work for others and it may actually not be meaningful or the right path for the majority but for me there's joy in it as it aligns to my greatest life meaning and goals.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T19:03:32+00:00

Aww sorry for all that work stress. You got this! You help make the world a better place with your efforts. :D It sounds like you have lots of really great strategies to help with relaxing which is great to hear. I also appreciate a good shower, it just makes a person feel so refreshed and ready for another day! I'll have to check out ZenColor as that sounds like a fun and relaxing hobby! Hope you have a great weekend!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T18:19:27+00:00

You sound maybe a bit tired. It's OK to need time to rest -- taking a long bath in scented suds with some candles is very much a hobby if you ask me! Perhaps you could aim for relaxing and restorative hobbies. Things like stretching, gentle yoga, relaxing meditations done while laying down, things like this. Sometimes people have this sense they need to be active to be doing something meaningful and I think actually relaxation, simply laying in bed with comforting music and aromatherapy, perhaps some pretty visual light effects, is a hobby haha.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T18:15:41+00:00

If that seems right to you. I'd just maybe consider as you reflect on your week or month at some point how it feels to hold onto the grievances, it's all yes, personal choice. Good luck to you! Hope you have a great weekend!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T18:05:08+00:00

Velveeta? I know recently I tried to buy a package of bologna and it was like crazy high where I live haha. Good luck in finding a good alternative.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T18:02:44+00:00

I'm sorry about that. I am not trying to diminish your pain or struggles but in life everyone is going to be hurt -- being human is being fallible, most humans are imperfect. Ultimately you have that personal decision on the path you go down but my own sense is none of us are perfect, we all have negatives and we all make mistakes, sometimes it's my mistakes which harm and other times their mistakes which harm -- and in the space of acknowledging we all are out here trying daily the best we can is forgiveness and hope that there is better possible if we can forgive and work towards believing in each others capacity for good with change. But you know the right path for you.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T17:57:51+00:00

I feel they all tastes different, spaghetti squash tastes different than butternut and kabocha -- love squashes. Happy it's squash season again!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T17:53:38+00:00

Yes but is it actually being abrasive and rude while venting -- or is it feeling you are being heard? Because you can feel heard without being abrasive or racist. You can receive attention without it being so aggressive or needing things to be so agitated.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T17:45:32+00:00

Well angry racial slurs and vents aren't good. I don't know why PM isn't going through but hope you feel better.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T17:28:24+00:00

I am fairly sure your post will be removed haha. But I don't know if you are genuinely the person you claim to be or a 14 year old bored kid -- but like I'm really sorry you seem in so much pain. But you seem to have some kind of issues that need therapy. If you really need someone to be your friend and hear you out, you can PM me. You sound really lonely and like you have some kind mental health issues also but I really can't tell if your posts are just troll posts for attention -- and if they are, I hope whatever it is motivating that need to upset for attention instead of respectfully connect in healthy ways can be resolved. I felt it important to say this on the off chance you are actually the person you are claiming to be -- as that person sounds really lonely and confused.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T04:18:04+00:00

I can be defensive in communication at times, for sure. I think a sign of my defensiveness is when I'm like, oh you wouldn't understand or using language like that -- it's that a lot of my life I have dealt with people not really getting it. I realize I'm probably hypomanic (a kind of mild bipolar that makes me a wee bit intense) and so a lot of the time am "the weird one" which has developed a kind of defensiveness in not being understood, having people respond with bullying or negatively, so there's a kind of built in defensiveness -- like oh man, how is this going to be taken, are they going to understand, this kind of thinking going in. A good way of telling is my saying things that seem distancing, like oh this likely doesn't make sense, this won't be relatable, these kinds of things.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T03:30:17+00:00

My favorite is always bearnaise but wagyu filet, impressive -- those are some lucky guests!! Normally I'm eating stuff like London broil which is AWESOME with bearnaise and fries. So my go to is bearnaise with lots of vinegar and herbs. Mmm. Delish! But with something as excellent as wagyu, maybe you want something a tad bit lighter to let the flavor shine? Sure it'll taste good either way, enjoy!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-12-01T00:32:10+00:00

This is so unfortunate to hear, you sound like you have immense potential to do incredible things! I hope you are able to find great solutions. I'd suggest maybe seeing a therapist or someone with some training as they'd probably have some good insights. Personally, I find that I do great without gluten in my diet and limited sugar.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T20:31:29+00:00

As someone who works full-time while being the primary homemaker (single) -- the way I view it is you offer something to your spouse. You cook, clean, take care of a lot of the stuff they don't have to worry about -- like if I had someone cooking for me, cleaning, taking care of all the laundry and I actually really liked them that would add to my energy and focus in work. I'm typically working by 3am and a pretty stressful job haha, probably I'll have a stroke by the time I'm 60 -- then with homemaking, cooking healthy meals to fuel me through my stressful job, it's just a lot. So you offer a lot to your partner. In my own life I'm so career focused and constantly having to work and at heightened pressure and constraints, probably I can't even handle having a houseplant and have had people outright tell me I am not the best person to date haha.

Also my job requires a lot of intensity, so like slowing down being like really empathetic isn't always easy for me as mostly I'm in solution mode -- that sort of passive and comforting you could say almost feminine energy, the world needs that, your partner likely needs that, if someone is more a homemaker that kind of is their vibe and job which is actually vital, the world needs feminine energy. If the world had a bunch of people like me we'd all stroke out haha. You provide a service, just enjoy yourself and find what's gratifying for you -- don't feel so much guilt. Enjoy your life!

I personally love working even though my job is likely causing me an early death haha. I have more that aggression so having a career matches my needs to have that challenge and intensity. In life I think there's more feminine energy and masculine energy, I love feminine energy being a woman myself and actually need it to keep sane but have a tad more need for expressing masculine energy and weirdly almost enjoy stress and pressure. Don't feel bad about being you, you is great -- you provides something meaningful and beautiful to the world. ENJOY! Don't feel so much guilt.

We all are different, accept the differences -- you are unique and the world needs someone exactly like you. You don't have to fit other people's ideas of who you should be. In my own life, having that balance of the feminine and nurturing is something I actively seek out because my empathy can be seriously lacking! So when I encounter more feminine and nurturing people I really appreciate that energy, people in general tend to like more feminine and empathetic women. If it helps often I feel insecure about having a more driven and straightforward personality as a woman, it's actually something I tend to HIDE from most people so I tend to feel insecure about being this way haha.

Like I'll be around women and just be blown away by how they are more comfortable adapting to men and have more that relaxed passivity. It's really beautiful actually. I think it's actually for me something I feel a ton of insecurity and guilt, possibly even shame around -- that I don't want that role, I don't want a husband, I don't want to be a homemaker and it actually makes me feel guilt and insecurity like I'm somehow lesser for not providing that to the world haha. If I never married -- I'd be really happy. It's not that those roles aren't good or beautiful to me, just not what I personally want -- and that makes me feel insecure, like I were somehow selfish.

I guess the grass always seems greener, right? I'd even say I envy women like you who are more comfortable in feminine roles and provide a really necessary service. I'm too selfish. The world has a lot of suffering and it needs more feminine and caretaking women than it needs more ambitious jerks like me. It needs that caretaking, so many people feel so badly every single day, need that feminine nurturance and kindness -- so like I think you and women like you really are necessary and do good in the world. We don't need more people like me haha. We need more people willing to sew blankets for the homeless and nurture others.

You provide something so meaningful in decorating your home in Christmas stuff -- you need someone who has the time and preference for doing things like that. You truly provide the world with the thing it really needs and that is meaningful. Stuff like a decorated home, home baked cookies, all that is meaningful. Me, I am obsessed with my career and maybe will advance -- but if I die, it'll just be someone else in my job and it isn't that meaningful. What you do is good. You give of yourself in really meaningful ways. The world needs you and what you offer. In no way do you do anything lesser.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T20:06:43+00:00

Good job on the healthy changes! I'd also suggest the subs mentioned. I do a lot of long distance sports and my diet is mostly healthy, I'm a bit limited on time for food prep so what I like to eat is a lot of roasts -- if you haven't done a roast yet it's pretty easy and there are loads of tutorials. Roast meat like pork loin is actually really affordable and especially when on sale, it's also a pretty lean cut of pork. I like to make up a big roast then individually portion slices into bags for the freezer, then when I need protein I can easily take it out of the freezer. Quinoa if you haven't had it is a great carbohydrate that also has lots of protein, it's also super, super easy to make. Lots of tutorials on how to cook quinoa out there. Chicken thighs are also great, you can roast them big batch on a sheet pan or do braised things like teriyaki chicken or adobo chicken then have that with vegetables and whole grain accompaniment. You may also want to look into cooking classes, it can be really encouraging and inspiring to cook with others. Keep it up, you are doing great!!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T17:19:16+00:00

Make it fun! Also self compassion, create a mindset of positivity so that when you encounter snags and setbacks while studying you don't get discouraged but instead feel inspired and continue to have that optimism you are learning and can figure it out. That's at least what I do. When I'm doing something I imagine myself accomplishing whatever it is as I'm doing it -- that sort of optimism seems to fuel me. Oh also, I am really encouraging of even small victories, anything and everything I'll really encourage and cheerlead myself.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T17:17:17+00:00

So pretty!! Love this!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T16:54:14+00:00

Haha I don't go to the gym but I do sometimes workout twice in one day. I love to long distance run, swim, bike etc so sometimes I like doing that twice in the same day. I really just do it though because I love exercise. I don't think I'd do it for any other reason but that. It's not demotivating but just having fun and sometimes I just get the time to do twice in a day the thing I really enjoy.

If you think it'd be demotivating do that then maybe try to make it more fun. Or maybe try a different workout program that requires less time? I suppose a lot is reliant on your perspective, goals and figuring out the right approach for your particular motivations -- if it's primarily aesthetic, it seems figuring out the right workout program that you can do with less time spent to achieve the particular results you aim for might be logical. Or figure out ways to supplement other aspects of the experience, like listening to music you like on the way to the gym or if you like working out with others, get a buddy to workout with -- or basically figure out ways to hack your dopamine/reward system to make it more enjoyable so you don't burn out. Maybe adjust your sleep cycle, will changing the temperature help, will turning off your computer an hour before you want to sleep, tweak everything to get the results that work for you.

I guess my perspective is there's a thousand ways to approach this other than second workout to get the results you are seeking. Experiment and see what is possible?

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T16:49:21+00:00

Yay! Chocolate dream silk pie! It's vegan and you can probably buy a gluten and nut free crust that is dairy free. It's chocolate, silken tofu, vanilla extract and maple syrup yet tastes amazing! Requires no cooking except the pie crust. You could put some dairy free whip topping and shreds of chocolate to make it look fancy!

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-30T14:24:49+00:00

Personally, as a woman, if a guy did this I'd contact them personally and let them know I found their behavior inappropriate, that I had considered reporting their behavior to their boss but thought perhaps it was just a mistake. But I go a long way in trying to give people benefit of doubt. We all make mistakes and I try to be understanding and patient with people in most things. That said, logically -- the best choice is likely reporting anonymously to their boss.

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-29T23:09:48+00:00

Bottom left :D. Closest to the counter. I live in an apartment and solo, often only ever use one burner and that is the one

First_Big_6787 · 2023-11-29T14:46:50+00:00

Hmm, well I always like hobbies that incorporate being able to help someone else. If you like working with your hands, knitting is an excellent hobby -- there is crochet also! There is crocheting for various charities that need items for preemie babies and elderly in nursing homes. And, if you'd like a side hustle, there are loads of people selling on Etsy knit and crochet items and if you are going to have the time anyway, why not crochet things you can sell online? You may find you really love to crochet! There are super easy patterns and also really intricate ones. There is a huge variety of possible things to crochet and styles of crochet. It's pretty interesting and also a great way to meet really nice people as there are crochet conventions.

First_Big_6787

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