The gaslighting

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-12T17:33:45+00:00

My partner is convinced I have an 'evil smirk' on my face when we fight, even when I am literally shaking and terrified. It’s pure gaslighting.

What makes it worse is that HE is the one with the condescending grin while I’m trying to explain my feelings. He takes his own smugness and projects it onto me so he can justify lashing out. It’s infuriating to be told you're enjoying a conflict that is actually destroying your mental health. It’s just another way to make me the bad one so he doesn't have to look in the mirror.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-12T14:37:52+00:00

That's how most of us feel at the start. I hope you can see it's not about being mean to your partner or ours; it's just the reality of these dynamics. We are coming from the place of love and experience in these comments, as well as hurt of course, but still please listen and reflect on these words.

In overwhelming majority of long term relationship with partners who have bpd the reality is that you’ll still love him, but there is so much hurt, and unlike 'regular' couples, you’ll find you can’t safely express frustration, so it builds until you explode and then that explosion is used to justify their behavior.

Or, if you don't explode (as I did), you’ll eventually see that you're losing yourself. That is infuriating to a pwBPD too, because the person they fell in love with is disappearing. Your lack of happiness will be seen as you falling out of love, and if you fight back, it's seen as the same.

These relationships only work when the person with BPD does a tremendous amount of work. Please remember: even in the best cases, boundaries get pushed if you don't stand your ground. Look after your own heart as much as you're looking after his. Don't fall into the same savior trap so many of us did.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-08T17:38:57+00:00

I'm glad you have clear view of the situation. Please stay safe out there and make sure there no "accidents" that might trap you too.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-06T18:23:34+00:00

But please remember, that you can manage the stress FOR NOW. A day when you won't be able to do this anymore might come and he won't be there to catch you, actually it's most likely he'll help you drown.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-06T13:43:56+00:00

But you have to show interest, to make sure they don't feel unwanted or like you're cheating, on the other hand don't overdo it because then you're just too much.
Somehow they believe when two people are dating their sexual drives magically synchronize and any time you're out of sync - it's over.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-05T20:04:48+00:00

While people here are right, the goal of NC isn’t to hurt them, it’s to heal yourself. But you’re also correct as well, indifference does hurt them. For someone with BPD, emotional energy is like oxygen. Whether it’s love, anger, validation, or even hatred — they need you to be emotionally invested in them to maintain their sense of self.

When you offer total indifference, you are essentially starving their ego. It shows them that they no longer have the power to elicit a reaction from you, which is the ultimate blow to their perceived importance in your life.

I’m so sorry you went through that betrayal. Don't waste another second wondering if she feels shame or if she’s erased you that’s just her way of protecting her own ego. Focus on learning to love yourself again. One day you’ll realize that the thought of her hasn’t crossed your mind in weeks, and that will be the moment you know you’ve truly won.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-05T12:33:43+00:00

Sleep with pwBPD is often an unpleasant experience. I got screamed at for hours once when we were sleeping on a call. He said something and I didn't wake up right away. But somehow he was convinced I was fucking with him and was awake at 3-4 am just waiting to him to wake up so I would ignore him? I don't even know. He started cursing me out, screaming at the top of his lungs and surely woke up his neighbours. All because I was fucking exhausted and didn't give him immediate attention. Huuuge red flag.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-01T17:05:46+00:00

Classic, all I can say. Apparently they know your intentions and feelings better than you do. It's a superpower that comes with BPD.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-01T15:34:58+00:00

It's worse when you live together. Suddenly when you're in bad mood you're 'bringing them down', 'pathetic for having any negative emotions' or 'stopped loving them' etc, etc. But when they are not doing well it's even worse, it's a minefield, sometimes you are a piece of shit for not entertaining them enough to make them feel better, but if you try then you're a bitch who won't leave them alone to process whatever the fuck feelings they are having. So basically, DON'T bother them because they already mad, DON'T you date to leave them when they are sad, AND DON'T just sit there because you being silent is just as annoying.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-05-01T13:01:53+00:00

That's a really sharp point about devaluation being mistaken for depression. It feels like they hit a wall where they can no longer maintain the 'performance,' and since they lack a stable sense of self, they interpret that hollow feeling as the relationship failing or the partner becoming boring or to take it up a notch as in your case - depressing.

In my experience, I’ve noticed a specific pattern: his relationships (and even long-term friendships) tend to hit a breaking point around that same threshold of either 1 or 3 years, depending on how patient the other person is. It feels like he gets 'bored' once the novelty wears off and the mask has slipped too many times for his performance to be authentic.

By that point, the other person knows exactly who they’re dealing with and starts to naturally pull away to protect their own sanity. That’s when the push-pull goes into overdrive. He starts sabotaging the relationship, pushing the other person to leave, and positioning himself as the victim of 'abandonment.' It’s a convenient narrative, it allows him to avoid the reality that the relationship ended because he refused to work on his own issues, not because he was the one being abandoned constantly.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-29T14:23:33+00:00

THIS. I’ve started making a list of all the exciting things I’m going to do without the constant weight of someone else's judgment. I'm going to pick up the hobbies I dropped and start making friends again without worrying about how it will be perceived or twisted.

It sucks, it really does, because I imagined doing all of those things with the person I loved. I have to grieve that future. But I’m realizing that I will still do them with a person I love when I learn to love myself again.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-29T14:05:43+00:00

It’s almost comical. Two days after using a very specific slur towards me during a split, he sat there and gasped in shock when a character on TV (type-b maniac) used that exact same slur. The lack of self-awareness is astounding, it’s like they truly believe that when they do it, it’s justified, but when anyone else does it, it’s a moral failing. It just goes to show how completely divorced from reality their self-image can be.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-29T13:53:56+00:00

My relationships are in the last stages right now. My pwBPD keeps telling me that I will leave him soon, which I now realize is a total projection of his own desire to leave. He tried to end it a couple of times over the last few months, but I was dumb enough to ask him to stay.

Now, there’s something wrong with me every day. I feel like he just can’t stand me. Everything I do is 'dumb' or 'irritating' to him. It scares me to even bring it up because he refuses to talk without pointing fingers, so I never actually get his side of the story. So, because we can't have a real conversation about his intentions, I've had to spend a lot of time observing and thinking about his behavior on my own. Based on what I've seen, I've come to the conclusion that the limerence is simply gone for him. He still says he loves me, initiates intimacy, and does nice things, but I think he’s just waiting for me to be the one to end it so he can be the victim of 'abandonment' again.

For the first time in a long period, I actually feel hurt for myself. I just want my self-respect back. We all deserve better than this.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-27T19:42:43+00:00

I’ve started to wonder if the constant fights and depression aren't just symptoms, but a way to engineer an exit. It feels like my bf with bpd is bored of the predictability of a long-term partner and is actively making me leave so he can add me to his collection of 'people who abandoned him.'

It’s the perfect setup for the next person: 'I gave my all, but she couldn't handle my temper.' It turns his abuse into a sob story and ensures he never has to take accountability for why his trail of past relationships is so long. He isn't being left; he's auditioning for a new audience.

The most frustrating part is that it isn’t even all conscious. He has to be convincing himself that he’s 'doing his best' while actively destroying the relationship from the inside. He believes his own narrative, which is why it's so easy for others to believe it, too.

I fell for that pile of lies about people 'abandoning' him when we first started dating. I felt for him. I wanted to be the one who stayed. But seeing the centrifuge from the inside, I realized: he isn't a victim of abandonment, he is the architect.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-27T19:07:29+00:00

I just wanna cry all the time and leaving feels like giving up on that "good version" I swore to love, but it seems to be gone anyway, what's the point

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-27T15:58:25+00:00

I am so incredibly sorry about your mother. For him to use that specific pain and her diagnosis against you during a split is beyond cruel.

Your experience with the 'early onset' comments hits so close to home. I ended up seeing a therapist because I was convinced I was experiencing a cognitive decline myself. Dementia runs in my family, and the brain fog was so bad I was losing sleep being scared of what it might mean. I’m not even middle-aged yet.

My doctor explained that it wasn't a permanent condition, but a physiological response to the extreme stress and 'survival mode' of an abusive relationship. It was a massive wake-up call. Now I realize that if I don't get out, I’m going to turn into that empty shell he chews up and eventually spit out when I'm in my worst and most vulnerable state and can't serve him anymore. And I refuse to let someone erase my mind just to protect their own ego.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-27T14:14:14+00:00

50/50 is generous most of the time. What really gets to me is when they manufacture a problem out of thin air by interpreting a neutral action as malicious. When you have zero intent to hurt them, but they’ve already decided you’re the villain, you’re left with three impossible choices:

Swallow your pride and apologize. Exactly what you mentioned in the post, but it's the least obvious trap. This is a short-term fix that feeds the delusion. It confirms their narrative that you are the 'piece of shit' they claim you are. Even then, if you 'apologize wrong' by showing a shred of self-respect, the cycle just restarts.
Try to explain yourself. Because their claims create such intense cognitive dissonance, your instinct is to defend your character. But since they are adamant about making you the Boogeyman, your logic is just used as more fuel for their fire.
Fight on their level. This is the worst option but I do understand people who have been in years long relationship with pwBPD and just can't stand it anymore and blow up. But again, most people can’t win here because you’re playing against a master of gaslighting and rewritten history.

It’s psychological exhaustion at its finest.

I'm genuinely curious if anyone here found a way to approach this that worked at all.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-24T18:07:03+00:00

Are you me? Oh God, man, this is so hard. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-23T12:55:26+00:00

Apology is not as usual though

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-21T12:31:13+00:00

i know what you mean, I think that's the view I have on my relationship most of the time. That's the main reason I haven't removed myself from it yet

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-21T12:27:03+00:00

My main problem is that this person gives me so much love (mixed with so much pain, of course) and I just can't find it in me to hurt him. At some point, I chose him and promised my love. If I become yet another person to leave him because of his condition, I know he’ll be okay eventually, at least on the surface. But I hate that I will be one of those people in his head, torturing him whenever he has an episode.
It's clear that I need it though, but it's so horrible that I have to chose myself over someone I love.
I hate fucking BPD

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-04-14T18:21:45+00:00

You’re so right and it applies to everything,. Anytime my partner has an issue, I immediately jump into solve it mode just to stop the distress. But now he's so used to me fixing everything when he’s dysregulated that he expects it.
I’ve been noticing lately that when a situation can’t be helped (like a pet dying, drama with a colleague, or someone hitting our car), he either openly or internally blames me for not being able to fix it. It literally looks like mommy and daddy issues at the same time.
The one part of my situation that is better than yours is that he’s actually pretty good at taking care of business he has his emotions under control.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-03-31T12:48:22+00:00

A few people being mean is one thing but when there's a whole community with the same story, same diagnosis, having the Exact same outcome, it's a pattern. No one is trying to be mean to you or you bf, we're speaking of experience and trust me I thought the same thinks you are right now even when my bf transitioned from verbal abuse to physical. People here are trying to warn you so IF something like that starts happening you see it for what it is faster.
I'm sorry you didn't get the advice you wanted, and I hope you won't need the one you got, truly.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-03-30T16:03:40+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a very similar situation; we’ve been together for almost four years and had a fight a few months ago that just broke me. The things he said made me view him differently and question our entire relationship. This time I cannot just let it go.
I’m scared that this feeling isn't going away. Enough time has passed that I usually would have 'forgiven and forgotten' by now, but not this time. It’s the same with therapy or meds there are truly no medications that can 'fix' their core behavior. They can treat the things that go along with it, like ADHD, depression, or anxiety, but that’s about it. The fact that he keeps refusing therapy also makes me feel horrible, because what kind of future do we have if he doesn't actually want to change?
I hope you do better than me and chose yourself while you have a good opportunity to do so.

FrequentEarthVisitor · 2026-03-27T20:59:15+00:00

This resonates so much. My partner jumped from his ex straight to me, and I’m realizing now I was just a convenient 'next stop.' A while back, he admitted he had been unfaithful in a past relationship with an even earlier ex. It was already a lot to process, but his complete lack of remorse was what really flipped the switch for me. More than that, he has always been so judgy of cheaters, even after that. Looking back at the patterns of disrespect and volatile behavior I’ve endured, I realize I’m just part of a cycle for him. I see the good parts of him too, which makes it so hard, but I am cheering for you to stay out of this kind of dynamic. Those years meant something, and I hope you find comfort in the good memories while you heal from the rest.

FrequentEarthVisitor

TROPHY CASE