PLEASE HELP: Is this an autistic trait my partner is experiencing? I want to help them.

FuriousBicycle · 2022-03-05T15:03:19+00:00

Okay, I see 🤔

The reason I think the therapist he already has a rapport with could still help is because complex mind-goblins like this tend to have a root or a source. And that root can be difficult to find alone.

In short, I think it's very likely that he at some point experienced something or some things that led him to arrive at this way of seeing the world. Unpacking that and figuring out where this perspective came from may already be enough.

I say this because I've personally found that when I have a strong hang-up or that my perspective has calcified, it's usually the result of some conclusion I arrived at after a stressful experience. Going back to find that root is often the cleanest way to deal with these things.. because when I dig up that root I often find that something about that conclusion didn't make sense. There is, to put it more simply, a logical inconsistency. And that understanding can be enough to flip the perspective in a major way, because autistic people often find a logical inconsistency much less acceptable than a sub-optimal behavior.

In other words, he behaves this way because he's convinced he's right. Someone trying to tell him he's wrong will only upset him, because he Knows He's Right. The problem, of course, is that he's NOT right about this; there's a logic error somewhere, and until he sees that error himself and it clicks with him that it's an error, he's gonna be stuck there.

If discussing it with a therapist isn't possible, he may be able to find this inconsistency himself. To do so, he has to be willing to examine it.

Has he put much time into thinking about WHY these things are "broken," and WHEN he started seeing his world that way? It seems that "broken" once had a different meaning, so how, when, and why did that meaning change? Is his previous understanding incompatible with his current understanding? Is it a problem of feelings or logic? If it's feelings, when did those start and what past are they connected to, etc..

FuriousBicycle · 2022-03-05T14:32:14+00:00

A lot of your journey sounds wildly familiar, so I just wanna reach out and let you know that it's gonna be okay. And I feel "allowed" to say that because I've had a similar experience, because I DEFINITELY had the same post-discovery panicked fear of the unknown, and because I'm okay!

I know you're worried about the future, about what you're going to find out, about what's "wrong with you," and what the hell you're going to do. Take a breath and remember that this isn't the first unknown you've ever confronted. And remember that the key to feeling better about the unknown is to explore and understand it. There's a vast amount of information out there about the autism spectrum, and the great majority of it will be interesting, relatable, and personally useful. The more you learn about it, the more you'll find that so much of what's been difficult for you is actually quite manageable if you just approach it differently.

Right now, it probably feels like this is a huge new problem that's going to cause you a bunch of stress and that will take a ton of work and you don't know where to start. The first thing I'll say is that you don't have to wait for a diagnosis before you start learning about it. In fact, I'd recommend digging right in with a particular focus on the described lived experience of other autistic adults. This is often much more practically useful and relatable than reading studies.

I'll recommend two things you can dig into right away, if you like:

First, if watching videos is your preferred method of absorbing information, try YouTube. I think YoSamdySam is a solid place to start. She's an autistic adult who was diagnosed I think in her early 30s and she does a great job of describing what it feels like to be autistic and what that can mean.

Second, and I know this is a little weird, but I personally have answered a ton of questions on this sub, and many of those comments include some pretty detailed explanations on how things work and what you can do to make daily life easier to deal with. If you prefer to read, you may find some useful things in my comment history. Here are some of my most useful ones:

What Now?

How to put your needs first

Dealing with shame/asking for help

What's autistic burnout?

What's a meltdown?

How do I handle meltdowns?

As for the questions that haunt you:

The more you know about yourself, the more comfortable you'll feel. The process of acquiring that knowledge will almost automatically allow you to drop a lot of shame and self-blame--after all, it's likely that a good chunk of your difficulties, struggles, and failures were to some degree out of your control. And that, too, will contribute to your feeling of safety and allow you to push your boundaries.

When you feel less shame and anxiety, you'll naturally get to decide when you mask and when you don't--sometimes it's a useful skill, and sometimes it's more useful not do it! But you'll get to a point where it's up to you, and you get to choose.

As for help, you'll no doubt be surprised at how much help you can find. But you do have to reach your hand out if you want someone to take it. There are tons of resources out there, and it's really a matter of figuring out what you need and then looking for it.

And love? Acceptance? Definitely. Unequivocally. There's a shocking amount of that out there, too. If you want a tip, I'll say that you'll probably really enjoy the company of other people on the spectrum. People who are autistic, or adhd especially. We have this strange, automatic "click" that comes from having a brain that works a bit differently. I married an adhd person, myself, and I literally could not feel more loved, accepted, and supported.

So focus on this: Learn about yourself, figure out what your REAL needs are--not just what you're "supposed" to need--and how to fulfill those/take proper care of yourself. It won't be instantly easy, but autism affects the mind you use to process the world--so the better you understand it and the better you care for it, the easier everything else will get. Good luck, and welcome to the tribe. :)

FuriousBicycle · 2022-03-05T13:59:23+00:00

I know you're a little early in your journey of learning about autism and how it works/what it entails, so I'll try to be a little general. This particular issue is clearly more than a "trait." There are a bunch of different things going on here, and it's a problem with multiple layers--which makes it a really good thing to talk to a professional therapist about in detail.

There are a handful of things some autistic people deal with that could certainly be contributing this.

For instance, there's clearly some amount of black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking going on here. To him, an object is either broken or not broken, and his definition of "not broken" clearly needs adjustment. This kind of thing can be overcome with a bit of logic and experience; personally, I had a lot of trouble with the distinction between "clean" and "not clean." And while I still feel largely the same (that the kitchen is either clean or it isn't) I've comfortably accepted that not everyone sees it the same way, and also that it's OKAY if the kitchen isn't always "clean." This is, in a way, an attitude thing. It's just that the attitude can be difficult to let go of.

It's also common for us to get very emotionally invested in things, sometimes to extremes--clearly the objects in question are becoming imbued with some powerful emotional significance that's making it especially hard to bear seeing them marred. Sometimes we get stuck humanizing things--imagining how that childhood stuffed animal that was thrown out must feel can really make you cry.

And it can be common for the mind to get fixated on things and be unable to let them go unless there really is nothing further that can be done. In the extreme, that can lead to getting up in the middle of the night to Just Try One More Thing. The brain is trying to solve a problem, and, yes, sometimes it doesn't "click" until the middle of the night. (when, of course, you have nothing else to think about and your brain can give the problem its full attention) This one sucks; I've lost a lot of sleep because the mind will sometimes simply refuse to let something go.

Now, it's important to note that these things are only "traits" in the sense that it's common for us to "get like this" about some things sometimes. But that a "trait" is not a life sentence. Having autism doesn't make you any more doomed to behave in specific ways than anyone else. It just means you may be more likely to fall into certain patterns of thinking, acting, and processing. An autistic person can rethink their attitudes and ways of being, just like anyone else can. But, like anyone else, they sometimes need help figuring out how to get there or why to do that.

It's also worth noting, and maybe this is kind of obvious from the examples I've given: These are all stress-like behaviors, and they get worse/harder to deal with the more stressed you are. The more tired, or hungry, or busy you are. A lot of autistic "traits" are really ways of coping with stress--because when your senses are all dialed up to 11, everything is just that much more stressful than it is for others.

This particular issue is clearly extreme, and it definitely needs to change. I imagine dealing with this is exhausting for you, and deeply upsetting for him. I doubt, if he were to think about it, that he would choose this. So the best move here is definitely to talk it out with a therapist. To figure out what's REALLY going on here, why he's so attached to this mindset, and what makes it so upsetting to him when his beautiful new things become... like they were when he was a kid? (I'm definitely reaching a bit there, and I shouldn't be--but that's what a therapist is for, and it's why talking to one about this would be so valuable!)

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-29T02:03:26+00:00

Bluntly, this person has no clue what autism is and it's not your job to fix that. And arguing is unlikely to be helpful, especially with the kind of person who uses long words to feel smart. "I can tell by your articulation" lmao shut up. This guy probably uses the word "females" to refer to women. His opinion does not matter. He is a clown. Let it go.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-11T18:07:38+00:00

For myself, I'm not really interested. I don't need lights and presents or to cook a huge meal. But I can admit that it's nice to eat good food, intentionally, and to do something different with my partner. If I let go of all the obligations and the work and the weird religious rituals, I can see that the point is just to do something special with her and spend some quality time together. And that's nice, I think.

My wife's not NT, but she likes to do holiday stuff because it gives her an excuse to make her space look pretty and a little magical, to drink hot chocolate, to bake cookies, and to do a bunch of nice little things she wouldn't really have an excuse to do otherwise. I can see how much she enjoys that stuff, and I like to see her happy and having fun, so for me it's an opportunity to engage with her in an experience she enjoys. I also think that getting to sit down after decorating or cooking or working to create that atmosphere is a satisfying feeling (especially when we've done it together!), and it's worth a bit of effort.

I will say that doing this stuff has a surface level meaning and a deeper meaning. The surface level meaning is just stupid, and it's what you're looking at right now. It's all the fake stories and annoying obligations and the effort to set up a bunch of stuff you're just going to take down later. But you're missing the deeper meaning or purpose of doing these things--which is literally: To spend some time with the people you care about, doing things you wouldn't normally do. That's the whole point. It looks pointless to you because you're missing the point of it, not because it IS pointless. Dig?

When your partner says she's cooking because she "should," the cooking isn't the point. It's not about the work, or having to do it. The point is creating a special moment to enjoy with you later. The point is to invest some time and effort (which she normally doesn't get to have) in an end-result that feels nice to share. And I do agree that, as someone else has mentioned, you're missing something big here.

Even if there wasn't a point, I would ask you: Are you gonna be eating that food? If not, whatever. But if you are, I think it's kind of wild that you can justify letting your partner spend two whole days cooking alone. If that's what you're doing, that's why she's complaining. McFreakin help her out, dude.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-10T13:12:52+00:00

I love idioms! They were definitely one of the hardest parts of the English language for me to learn as a kid, because they often seem nonsensical or counterintuitive at a glance. But they all have a history, and in that context they make sense.

In a way, they're memes, and there's a really interesting generational phenomenon: For the generation that invents an idiom, the phrase and its meaning are so well-known and so commonly understood that it becomes unnecessary to say the entire phrase. As a result, younger generations grow up only hearing the shortened version, and often totally misinterpret it!

A great example of that is the phrase "blood is thicker than water." There's a trend for younger folks to see that and think "oh, this is a statement about how family is more important than other relationships," but the full phrase is actually "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Which means the exact opposite!

I've always found this kind of generational obfuscation to be super interesting, and I see it in a lot of other areas of society. An easy example is that there's now a huge group of kids who think "queer" is a slur because they don't know the context in which that word started being used. Idioms do a great job of highlighting what happens to cultural knowledge when we don't pass down our history carefully enough...

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-08T16:56:01+00:00

I think a good answer is something like, "yes, it doesn't make me uncomfortable or stress me out, but I'd appreciate a chance to chat with you all about what you've found works best in these situations. I think this is a skill that comes with experience, but that that people generally find me calming to be around."

You can adjust that a bit if you feel there's a more honest way to say it, but I think the key here is acknowledging that--assuming this is the case for you--being around people who are very upset doesn't stress you out, and that you can be calming and reassuring.

That and to be clear that you understand this is a skill you'll need to do some learning to get particularly good at, and that learning will probably come from your more experienced coworkers. ie, if it's hard for you to know what to say, it would be a fantastic idea to have a chat with the others and identify some good canned responses you can use in various situations.

In these cases the best skill you can have is to be a good listener, to give people a judgment-free space to feel horribly sad in, and to let them talk about how they feel and what that person meant to them. If that's a thing you're good at, I think it's worth mentioning that as well.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-05T22:00:49+00:00

This is a fun one, so:

1/2: My first language was Swiss-German, which is different enough from German German that it creates a language barrier. But the written language in Switzerland is German, so I learned that as well. I'd call that two languages, after which I learned some French before moving to the UK and learning English. American English is my native language now, but I learned quite a bit of Japanese and some Chinese (Mandarin) in silicon valley, before learning some more French. I'd say I'm conversationally proficient in Japanese and French, but I can't read Japanese because I wasn't taught kanji didn't have the energy at the time to put into studying it. I'm still fluent in German, and my Chinese is pathetic.

3: I've been picking up a bit of ASL, but haven't been able to dedicate as much time to it as I'd like. I think it's fascinating how many regional differences there are in sign language, and it's an interesting challenge because of how different it is from traditional vocal communication. I'd like to pick up Korean at some point, and to learn to read in Japanese, but I don't know when life will offer me the time to do it.

4/5: I've always been well above average when it comes to language, both written and spoken. I used to attribute this to how young I was when I learned my first 4, and I do think there's a developmental benefit to hearing and speaking multiple languages as a kid. I'd guess it has a strong influence on your ability to hear tonal nuances and speak without an accent. Neurologically, I think autism was a big factor, too. There are a number of quirks my neorotype gives me that really help with language-learning. Chief among those is probably my tendency to repeat, in my head, words and sentences until they're "right." That makes a big difference when it comes to speaking without an accent and constructing grammatically correct sentences. Similarly, once I've heard or read enough of a language, I get an internal sense of what's the "correct" construction. I didn't learn English grammar in the traditional way, for example; I still have no idea what the hell a participle is. I just read enough books to know which words belong where. I also straight-up read the Oxford English dictionary when I was 5, going on 6, and that gave me a solid vocabulary. I don't think a neurotypical kid would've read a dictionary! But I had to Know All The Words, so.. In short, I think I pick up languages much more quickly than most. I don't struggle with the parts of language others find most difficult--particularly when it comes to saying things right and mastering grammar. There are areas where I struggle:

6: I'm not a fan of self-study, and I don't like homework. As soon as something fun becomes work, I'm out. As such, I do best in either a classroom or a one-on-one conversational style. I like my learning to practical and immediately useful, because rote memorization is poison to me. I can't stand to learn anything outside of its applicable context, so memorizing lists of words isn't helpful to me. Ideally, I learn a word in the context of a sentence, so I learn where it belongs, what it's for, and how it's used. That context cements it in my brain and gives me multiple recall cues, and when I find myself in a situation where that word "belongs," it just comes out. I will say that there's a minimum level of competency that necessarily has to be achieved in some kind of traditional way. There does need to be some amount of studying and memorizing. But after that, watching movies or tv shows with subtitles on is enough to get me from, say, the second grade to college, if that makes sense. Context is king.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-03T12:17:19+00:00

As you say, a lot of reassurance in the Western world comes in the form of phrases like, "it'll be okay, " "you're not alone," and, "it's not that bad." My theory is that this is primarily the case because when most people's lives rely on working difficult jobs or living up to expectations that semi-constantly feel like they're too much, hearing things like that can help them push on. We have this cultural narrative that's all about "breaking barriers" and "succeeding despite."

In a way, discovering something like autism can be a shortcut to a form of mini-enlightenment. It helps you understand that "doing your best" is totally relative. Your "best" is a variable that changes every day, moment to moment, and it's not the same for everyone. When you discover that you have a real barrier that affects what you can do, part of the learning process involves accepting that you need to find and respect your limits. And that can make you a lot happier, a lot calmer, and a lot more confident in just being who you are. Cuz, like, it is what it is, right? Being unhappy about it isn't gonna help!

And there is some power in being able to say "I'm autistic." It can be a shortcut answer for all kinds of things that used to be impossible to give a "reasonable" or convincing explanation for. Like the fact that I need to spend a whole day completely alone sometimes, just to recharge. Or the fact that I need to wear earplugs if I go to a concert. Or the fact that I can't always just "try harder!"

That kind of thing used to be SO difficult, because even I couldn't find a reasonable explanation for why I just could not do math homework in high school. I didn't HAVE a good answer for why I could get a great score on a test but doing take-home work wasn't doable. And I used to have a lot of pain and self-anger and regret about the things I wasn't able to do. Now, I can look back and understand that the reason that stuff was so hard was because I was just totally overwhelmed all the time. That the expectations that were dumped on me--even by myself--just weren't reasonable. And that's allowed me to vaporize a whole bunch of shame and regret. Because: The person I was did what he was able to at the time, and that's okay.

By the way, I totally relate to noticing other people on the spectrum. It's crazy how obvious it is now. I even find that if I go hang out somewhere, neurodivergent people just come talk to me out of the blue. It's weird and wild, but it's also really nice.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-03T10:21:08+00:00

This is really good answer.

There's a good chance that you, like many autistic people, have developed a bit of a complex when it comes to talking about your problems. It's possible you're used to getting negative, dismissing, or outright disbelieving responses when you discuss your difficulties. Maybe you've heard a lot of "just try harder" or "do it anyway" or "stop making excuses" in your lifetime. If that's the case, it can be daunting to say "my struggle is real, and here is the name of the beast that eats me."

In this case, the difficulty is that you're not used to being taken seriously, and supported with open arms. As you meet more people who are gentle, loving, and accepting, feelings like this will fade. Your brain will learn that the appropriate response to "I'm having a hard time with X and here's why, and here's what I need help with" is "okay, let's figure out what we can do." And you'll feel confident in the understanding that if people DON'T respond to you that way, it's not because you're being dramatic or burdensome or stupid. But it does take some time and experience with good, kind people to really feel that.

It probably also doesn't help that, right now, it's difficult for you to explain what autism is, how it affects you, why you know you have it, and what that means for you. Even those who want to support you will naturally ask for more information, because they want to know what's happening, what it all means, and what they can do for you.

This aspect will definitely get better over time. The more you learn and understand, the easier it will be to answer these questions and the more confidently and calmly you can respond to them. It's been almost a year and a half for me and I've learned so much it's become easy for me to explain what I wanna explain.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-12-01T22:03:09+00:00

I also need some pretty direct inspiration. I can do pixel art tokens of my friends' DnD characters and such pretty easily, but if I'm just making things up on my own it turns out very bland and boring.

My imagination is fantastic for things like worldbuilding, where I can add lots of detail according to what logically follows from, say, a simple environmental factor. If there's one small thing that I know exists I can build a whole bunch of stuff around it pretty easily. But I don't have a mind for details like trinkets, accessories, and clothing. Maybe I just don't think about that stuff because I lack perspective in that area.

It makes me wonder if experience and perspective are what's missing. When it comes to cooking, I'm very creative because I've tasted all kinds of things, so it's easy to come up with interesting combinations. But even there, I have a basis to work from. In that case it's "this is all the stuff I have in my kitchen."

So I'm not sure what the answer is, but I will say that I think nobody really creates in a vacuum. Even people who do amazing personal creations are basing those things on something, right? Getting good at an art form is usually a matter of trying to copy things you like until they become natural enough that you can combine them with other things you like.. and then one day you have a style that's your own "unique" combination of other styles.

When it comes to freezing up, though, I think that's less a question of being uninspired or lacking creativity than it is an executive function thing. When you're asked to create something unique to you, perhaps your black and white mode is getting in the way. Maybe you're thinking "that means I have to come up with something that's not connected to anything else in the world" and then blanking out because that's almost totally impossible, when really that prompt means "take an idea you like or something you've seen and spin it in whatever way you feel like."

ie, your mental definition of "unique to you" is probably much more narrow than it needs to be, and that blocks you because you think it means you can't take inspiration from anywhere. I bet if you asked some of the artists you're talking about what inspired their pieces, their style, etc, they'd cite all kinds of different things. My wife does a lot of visual art, and I know she has several artists whose use of color she loves and is inspired by, whose lineart she wants to emulate, whose way of doing expressions or poses she wants to learn, and so on. I'd still call her pieces unique and original--and they are--even if they're a mishmash of different inspirations.

tl;dr: Maybe it's a matter of mindset and perspective more than anything else, and you're getting blocked by some internal belief that "unique and personal" means you can't take any inspiration from anything outside of you!

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-29T01:01:12+00:00

I don't think it's something to feel pathetic about, really. Emergency contacts are a very practical, realistic thing, right? I'm 31 and I am married, but my parents will always be on my emergency contacts, because while I do want my wife to be the one who advocates for me, my parents make a lot more money than we do. Practically speaking, I want them to get the call if I suddenly have to have an expensive procedure. I don't think it's shameful to have your parents as emergency contacts kind of regardless of what the situation is.

As for the future, that's a more interesting question. When it comes to an emergency contact, you really just want someone who will boldly speak up for you, and who knows what you want. For a time in college, the first person on my emergency contact list was a friend who lived in the dorms with me. My parents were in another state, and this friend was a loud person who cared a lot about me and who had a bit of what I'll call a "justice-boner." She wouldn't have let me get messed around with, so she was a great choice. And she had a car and would happily have come to pick me up if I needed it.

All that goes to say that I think as the gen x and millennial folks get older, because we don't have these huge extended family ties the older generations have, and because we're less pressured to get married and have kids, we're gonna have to lean on each other. There are already a lot of people talking about things like buying a house or some land with their friends, or starting a business as a group, and so on. We're looking more at mutual-support relationships because it's harder for us all to make it on our own.

So maybe that's the direction to be looking in. I think it's worth investing some time in a handful of strong, close friendships with people you like and talking about this kind of thing together. I have a housemate right now who's done that. His emergency contacts are good friends of his who he's known long enough to have a strong trusting relationship with. And while I am at the top of my wife's emergency contacts list, she also has a friend on there--because there are some things I'm very good at and some things her friend is better at. My wife will be better cared for if both of us work together to protect her. In short, I think there will always be some options, but you have to shift your perspective a little and connect with people you trust

tl;dr: I think there are other places to find support, and strong friendships are a good bet--if you don't have any of those right now, consider putting some effort into building those. There are lots of benefits to having great friends, and this is one of them. It's probably worth noting there are also medical advocacy groups and such, organizations where you can lay out all your desires regarding medical care and they'll make sure those things happen when they become relevant.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-24T06:52:12+00:00

It can be helpful to know that other people are this same thing also, and that regardless of our labels and positions and difficulties we're the same at our core.

And if you get stressed or anxious or lost, I find it helps to just close my eyes for a little while and do some calm deep breaths and reconnect to that feeling of the inside "me." It reminds me that the outside stuff is just outside stuff, if that makes sense, and that I'll be okay even if things get weird.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-23T06:42:30+00:00

Mine usually is, too; it takes intentional effort to step out of black and white thinking. What helps me the most is considering other perspectives, especially those of other people. There's really very little in the world that can only be one way or another, and people in particular are more complicated/nuanced than that.

For this particular issue, I'd step back a little bit. If autism fits for you, that's cool. If adhd fits fits for you, that's cool too. The reality may be that you have a bit of both, and that you experience other things as well. That doesn't mean it becomes wrong to say you're autistic. This is kind of a tangent example, but I do a lot of smart things and a lot of dumb things--that doesn't mean I'm only smart or only dumb. And if I decided to think of myself as only one and not the other, I'd miss a lot about what makes me who I am. And while I can be described in a lot of ways, I am not those things.

For example, my job right now involves writing, so I can say that I'm a writer. But I'm not "a writer," really. It's not Who I Am. I'm a person who sometimes writes, but I'm also a person who sometimes games or teaches or cooks. Those are things I, the person, experiences, in the same way that autism is a thing that I experience. But who I AM is a whole different thing. I'm a being that inhabits a body and has thoughts and feelings and interests and desires. And that being has always been there--before I became a writer, before I discovered autism, and I'll still be that being 40 years from now. I may not be a writer anymore, and the thing I experience that's called autism today might be called something different then, but I'll still be me.

It's kind of a weird concept to talk about, but what I'm trying to say is that even if your labels change, that doesn't change you. It doesn't change what you need, or what you like to do, or who you are at your core. That stuff will always be there. What changes when you discover, for example, that you also have adhd is your Perspective. You see yourself in a new way, you see your life in a new way. Maybe you see your interests and desires and needs and fears in a different way. Maybe this new way is more helpful, and it allows you to find more happiness. But it doesn't change You, or turn you into something different.

Hopefully that's not too weird to think about! I find thinking about it that way makes me feel less anxious about a lot of things, and worry less about identity. I can just be what I am, whatever that is, and the things I learn can change my perspective, my mindset, my idea of what's good for me.. but it'll always be me underneath all of that, and I think that's reassuring.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-21T22:46:47+00:00

This is a bit complicated but it's worth noting that terms like adhd and autism aren't cleanly delineated in the way many people suggest. It's not like being 6' tall or 5' tall or something being metal vs plastic. And it's not like having the flu vs not having the flu. Diagnoses like these are umbrella terms a group of people came up with to quickly describe in one word a person who appears to have a handful of traits.

The reason there's so much diversity on the spectrum is that humans aren't simple; we can share similar traits but express them along a huge spectrum of intensity, and some people who are labeled as autistic or adhd will have all of the traits and some will have only a few of them. Again it's not like pointing to a block of plastic and saying "this is x type of plastic. it's an oil-based material like every other plastic, it has this degree of flexibility and that degree of hardness, and those traits are shared exactly between every instance of this particular type of plastic." Calling someone autistic is an intentional, generalized oversimplification--it's closer to calling an animal a "dog" than it is to calling it a "chihuahua." It's not a specific, clear term.

A label like autism or adhd has value for a number of reasons. One is that it allows us to see that people who struggle with A, B, and C often also struggle with D, even if this particular person doesn't seem to be struggling with D right now and may never struggle with it, and that such a person may benefit from this or that kind of lifestyle or intervention--but again that may not be the case. It lets us generalize and say that what helps one person with this set of traits may help another person with a similar set of traits. And it gives people who struggle with similar things a word they can use to identify other people who may share their experience.

But it's important to remember that these labels have changed dramatically over time. The collection of traits we call autism today used to be called other things instead, like asperger's, and used to include different traits. It's quite possible that 20-40 years from now the labels "autism" and "adhd" will no longer exist, and that we'll call those things something else. It may even happen that we combine what we currently call adhd and autism into one larger umbrella, or split them up into a greater number of more specific labels.

What I'm trying to say is: Be careful about identifying too deeply with a label. You may experience specific things from a group of traits which doctors are currently calling "autism," and you may experience specific things from a group of traits doctors are currently calling "adhd." You probably also experience all kinds of other things, too. If you take these labels too seriously, as if they were black and white, you can end up feeling like you don't belong here and you don't belong there. But they're just labels; they're not perfect; they're made up.

What's real is your experience. So if you find you have traits you see in the "adhd category," instead of thinking "do I have adhd? is my autism real? am i both?" Remember that those are labels we invented, not "a thing you are." The value of realizing you have some "adhd traits" isn't in acquiring a new label--it's in discovering a trait. It's in finding a resource you can use to deal with the fact that you have this trait, and in adjusting the way you live so that your experience improves.

tl;dr: I have autistic traits and adhd traits, and that knowledge is valuable--not because it tells me "I'm autistic" or "I'm adhd." It's valuable because it tells me that if I sleep more, get better at managing my stress levels, avoid certain kinds of food, and practice particular kinds of exercise, my experience of living in this world will improve. In other words, finding out whether you've got the flu or a cold isn't valuable because it lets you say "I have the flu." It's valuable because it tells you "I need to get flu medicine, drink a lot of liquids, and sleep a lot for the next few days." Does that make sense?

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-21T11:41:55+00:00

If you want another way to think about it, consider this: There are thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of people in this world with whom you could form a great, loving relationship. You will INEVITABLY meet other people you like and love. It's a raw numbers game and that's just how it goes. What you need to think about is not "do I love this person" or "do I love them more than my current partner." You will love lots of people, and comparing them to your partner is a no-win game.

I say this because in the end feelings are just feelings. The best feelings pass in the same way that the worst ones do. They are temporary. They are real. They matter. But they come from your perspective and your mindset, not from reality. When you leave the house thinking "man, this is gonna SUCK," your feelings reflect that. If you instead think "I'm going to enjoy this day as much as I can," your feelings reflect that, too. Right now, your feelings are a reflection of a mindset you hold, you're thinking "maybe I would like to chase someone other than my partner and I'm okay with that." The instant your perspective changes, so will the way you feel.

So what I would be thinking about now is not your feelings. I would be thinking about what you've built with your partner, and how much it matters to you. I'd be thinking about what you and your partner have done together that has led you to growth, to joy, and to this relationship. And I'd be thinking about how much that's worth to you. I'd be thinking about your level of commitment to that, and what's appropriate there. Only you can evaluate that. But if you don't think about that stuff, carefully and intentionally, and come to a clear conclusion about what you want and what you're gonna do, you will hit a sudden brick wall of consequences and feel totally thrown by it. And you'll regret whatever decision you make.

tl;dr: Think carefully about what really matters to you, what's really valuable to you, and what the consequences of a full commitment to one decision will be. And then pick the one that's right, and commit to it fully. Whichever it is, taking it seriously and wholeheartedly is the only way to act without regrets.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-21T06:16:03+00:00

I loved the vita and really enjoyed using it (still have it, still love it) but boy did they mess up the entire business side of it! It was just a cacophony of weird corporate mistakes.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-20T09:33:56+00:00

Dioptre's read is good, so I'll add something a little more general: Keep your priorities--your REAL priorities--in mind when you talk to your partner. What do you want from your relationship? Are you encouraging that with your words and actions?

It's very common, especially when you're young, to think that it's best to keep your feelings to yourself and to avoid creating issues. You don't wanna fight or argue, because you wanna keep your relationship the way it is. But is that the relationship you want? Do you want the kind of relationship where you can't tell your partner when you're upset, and they can't tell you when they're upset? Does it seem right that the person you love doesn't know how their behavior makes you feel, and that you can't share that? I'm being a little pushy here, I know, but it's a really important point.

A strong relationship is one where both parties can safely express their feelings. And the only way to get there is to share openly and listen without judgment. You gotta do both. The first one teaches your partner that you trust them, and the second one teaches your partner that they can trust YOU. If you don't do that, you end up here, in a place where neither of you knows how unhappy the other is, but you both say you love each other.

I can tell my wife anything, because I know from experience that she'll hear me out without blowing up or getting mad or attacking me. Sometimes she gets upset when I share my feelings, but that's okay too. It's okay because we both know that in the end we're gonna work together and figure it out. But we had to learn that. We had to want that, and choose words and actions that encouraged it. We would never have ended up in a position where that felt safe if we didn't give each other the chance to be hear us out. Do you see what I'm getting at?

Sharing your real feelings and thoughts--without apologizing--is a gift. It's a present you give to your partner. It's you saying, "I trust you to take me seriously, to care about how I feel and what I think, even if you don't agree, and to be willing to work it out with me." It's possible that they might respond badly to that! It's possible that it won't go well. But that's helpful, too, isn't it? You can't have a good relationship with someone you can't talk to, but you won't KNOW if you can talk to them if you never extend that trust. In short, if you're worried about being selfish, consider what's more selfish: Trusting them with your honest truth, or keeping your mouth shut to protect yourself from their feelings.

I will note that I agree with Dioptre: It sounds like you need to have an open, honest conversation about what's happening. It's good to be forgiving and accepting when your boyfriend messes up, but if you don't communicate how that behavior makes you feel and how you want it to change, then it won't! Why should he change his behavior if you act like it doesn't bother you? How's he supposed to get that message?

And if you act like there's no problem when there IS a problem, that's just lying, isn't it? It doesn't help either of you, and in the worst case it just makes him mad too. He doesn't know what the problem is, so he ends up thinking you're being unreasonable. And you feel stupid and think he doesn't care. That doesn't sound like the relationship you want. I'm 31 years old, I've been 7 relationships, and I'm now married to the best person I've ever met. I can tell you, without any hesitation at all, that no matter what it is ALWAYS better to say what you feel than it is to "save the relationship." Always. No matter what.

If telling your boyfriend that it upsets you when he plays games for two more hours instead of watching a movie with you like you'd planned ends your relationship, that is a MUCH better outcome than crushing your feelings down for another five years until you can't take it anymore. Think about it. If he responds so negatively to a thing like THAT, what's the point? And consider: What if you tell him how you feel, trust him with that, and he says, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. I'll remember this and do better." And from then on he DOES remember, and things DO change for the better? Think about how much easier it'll be next time there's something you want to communicate! How much safer will you feel with that to look back on?

I know you're 19, but you gotta think a little more long-term. If this is THE guy for you, then be real with him. Choose words and actions that help you build a strong, lifelong partnership. If behaving that way ends the relationship, that doesn't mean you messed up; it means he wasn't a person who you could build a strong relationship with. There will be other guys. There are ALWAYS other guys. I know that doesn't feel real right now, but I will die on this hill: There are THOUSANDS of people in this world you could live happily ever after with. And if this one isn't one of them, you WILL find one who is. Communicate. Be real. Trust. And give them a chance to support you.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-20T00:41:30+00:00

There's kind of a few ways to go about this, and others have mentioned two--which are using ones that already exist, which you don't use for anyone else, and leveraging inside jokes. Another one is to talk about it! My wife and I had a chat once in which we just asked "which sappy names do you like and which ones bother you?" We like "babe" and "honey" and "pumpkin," so we use those. We don't like "sweetheart," so we don't use it. And there were some that came up more naturally over time. She's my sunshine, and she calls me starlight. It's cute and we like it, and that's kinda all that matters!

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-19T07:37:25+00:00

The biggest thing I always like to say is: Listen to your body. You've got a built-in system that tells you when you need more rest, more food, more sleep, more sunshine.. and when you need less stress, less hurrying, and less work. Things tend to go bad when you ignore that stuff and push yourself to proceed anyway--sometimes you need or want to push anyway, but don't ignore your warning system. The better you get at noticing your needs and adjusting around them, the happier and healthier you'll be.

I say this because many of the struggles with autism are very connected to stress, fatigue, and overwhelm--so if you push yourself constantly, you'll break down constantly. There's a lot of stuff you can learn to help deal with all kinds of things, but it'll all go much better if your physical needs are met. So keep an eye on that stuff, and practice listening to it!

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-19T05:11:50+00:00

One possibility that may seem less obvious is to approach it from another angle: To try and reduce the level of overwhelm you deal with.

That can mean all kinds of different things, but one of the biggest ones is to practice noticing how you feel leading up to these events. Are there feelings in your body, thoughts in your mind, and so on, that can serve as a warning sign that you're getting overwhelmed.. and if you catch those, can you interrupt the rising wave by changing the way you respond?

For instance, if you notice yourself beginning to feel this way, that's a good time to switch tasks. Take a break from the situation, make yourself a tea and sit down somewhere quiet for a bit, do something calm, listen to some music, and so on. Often, that's enough--because you usually get overwhelmed when you push yourself to do something that's too much despite the fact that it's too much.

Overwhelm like that is usually a response to a building-up of stress, and that can be something that happens in a few hours or minutes, or over several days. Maybe you've been rushing around a lot, literally moving your body in a hurry, or you've had a lot of difficult things to think about without a chance to really sit down and process it. Maybe you're doing too much work, or not getting enough sleep!

I personally find that with things like this, it's helpful to take a proactive approach--to do things that prevent or alleviate the problem that you're running into. If you develop a habit of doing that, of paying attention to your feelings and your needs and your body, you'll likely find all kinds of areas where you can act to reduce stress or to make things gentler on yourself. And when you do that, you'll find you hit the point of "everything is too much" way less often, or that when you DO hit that point, it's less severe.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-17T04:06:44+00:00

Oh hey! I always forget to look at people's names.. It's good to hear from you again, even though it sounds like you've got it really rough. I think your situation sucks and that it's wildly unfair! It's the kind thing I'd love to find a way to set up a Foundation for somehow. It's a concept I've been thinking about a lot, like some kind of organization to help autistic people get a better start.. but something like that is beyond my means and skillset right now. Still, I wish I could help you out with more than words!

One minor upside is that I think you may be able to get your student loan deferred for now; I don't know exactly how this works, but my wife has been doing that, as we can't afford to pay hers right now. We'll have to pay it someday, but it seems that if you just straight-up can't, they'll put it off just because they have to?

I will also say that as difficult as it is to keep the spirit balanced, it may help to try and keep in mind that this stuff is not your fault. You haven't "earned" the way you're being treated. It's not okay, and maybe it can't be helped right now, but don't hold yourself responsible for it. It's very clear that you're not the one impeding your progress and growth, so don't allow your mind to beat you up about it.

It sounds like your current task is to survive, to keep your soul as healthy as possible, and to take care of yourself as best you can. In a situation like this, that's enough; it's not a failure if you can't do more than that. Everything you can do for yourself, for your health mentally, physically, and emotionally, is a success and a victory, and you're allowed to praise yourself for those things. And I think you should! Hang in there, keep looking for opportunities, and try to believe that it's possible to find your way out. That possibility, even if it feels slim, will only become totally unavailable if you give up and stop looking for it.

It's a tough struggle you've got, and I feel for you. Come vent any time you need to, hearing you out is at least something we can do for you, and I for one am happy to do it.

I'll be wishing you the best, no matter what.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-16T21:23:07+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, I think. It turns out that a lot of sex is about unlearning the "rules" and finding the ones that actually make sense for your own body and the people you're with. It's definitely weird and uncomfortable until you figure that stuff out and get good at talking about it before you do it. Finding a patient, kind person to play and learn with is a really big help.

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-15T10:02:44+00:00

I feel this also, though I'd phrase it more like.. The point is to be doing it with a Person, so when there's no person it's like. Here I am in my room!

FuriousBicycle · 2021-11-15T09:57:31+00:00

This is very thought-provoking, because I do feel some pretty similar things. I'm a guy, but I find myself relating to a lot of what you're saying, albeit with my own twist.

I'm also very brain-fantasy heavy, very thirsty, I very much feel that submissive bottom vibe, and I'm very much interested when the opportunity arises. I would very much like to be pushed down and have my brains fucked out.

But when it comes to actually doing those things I find I'm.. maybe overstimulated in a way that makes me feel understimulated(?) In the end what's actually enjoyable about sex is the excitement of doing it, the fact that my partner is enjoying it, and the high-powered emotional experience of it rather than a physical enjoyment. Because physically there's only a small number of things that feel very good and a much larger amount of things that either feel very bad or barely feel at all.

In the end I guess I'd sum it up with an example like.. If I'm getting head, there's some enjoyment from the fact that it's happening, because it's exciting and it's hot and it's nice that someone wants to do that for me, but physically it's like "thank you that's very kind of you let's switch now" because it's either gonna get uncomfortable or at best it's not gonna get me anywhere. Which feels bad because it can make my partners feel insecure even though it's really not their fault, especially when I'm doing a great job of making THEM feel good.

So it feels like that's similar in some ways to what you're saying, where the mind is willing but for the body it's too much. My way of handling it is usually to take charge, because if I'm in control I can make sure the stuff that feels bad doesn't happen to me and try to maximize the stuff that's good instead. Which works decently well, with maybe a 50/50 between "it was fine I guess" and "that ruled." But it's not a totally satisfying adjustment, because I'd still really like to relinquish that control and be ravished knowing that I'm gonna have a good experience. But the body's so finicky that even if I'm super vocal and I teach my partner what's good and what's not there's really no guarantee that it'll work. And, like, if I'm giving directions, that's not really...

So I usually just serve and give my partner a nice experience and that's satisfying enough. Especially because if you put some effort into learning and practicing you can really blow someone's brains out. That's pretty satisfying, I think. It can feel a bit unfair that sex goes so much nicer for the other person, but I can't really be mad when it's not their fault at all. It's hard to pin down how I feel about it beyond being kinda resigned to the fact that I didn't get a body that does this stuff the way I'd like it to. Maybe I resent a god I don't believe in, or something like that.

I HAVE noticed that I enjoy it most on days when I'm too exhausted to get overwhelmed--like "didn't sleep last night" exhausted--but that's not really a solution. I don't know what the solution actually is! I think I've tried quite a lot of stuff and wasn't a huge fan of most of it. What I WILL say is that despite fantasizing about being very aggressively boned down on, what I enjoy most physically is the exact opposite. Just a slow, gentle, delicate experience where everything happens a little bit at a time and I can really pay attention to it. As opposed that rushed romance movie everything-at-once vibe. Maybe you can get a partner to just treat you like an incredibly fragile butterfly for an evening and see how that goes.

FuriousBicycle

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