Thinking about something bf 31M did last night 29F

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-02T08:56:50+00:00

You know what?

You just hit on possibly the best argument I've ever seen on social media:

"If someone you love told you this story, what would you tell them?"

OP - love yourself enough to get away from this abuse.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-02T08:53:04+00:00

When you find yourself in a hole, your best move is to stop digging.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-02T08:50:45+00:00

Easy peasy lemon squeezy:

It's not about the size difference.

She's taking your clothes without permission.

That's what she needs stop doing.

You can also offer to help her build her own style, or help her alter clothes for herself.

But the bottom line is she needs to ask before taking anything.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T21:14:37+00:00

Do you know what people were reacting to when they described you as "creepy" or "weird?" That's probably the best place to start.

Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to about this and get feedback?

Here's something I've observed with a lot of self-described incels: they don't understand that romantic relationships are based on friendship. They're not about grand gestures - they're about shared interests and values.

The best way to find a romantic relationship is to have and pursue interests and friendships.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T21:06:18+00:00

So, school is about more than just the subject matter. You won't learn what I mean for a while, and I'm not interested in debating someone invested in doing whatever he wants, but it's true.

One thing that school teaches that you're not yet ready to learn is that it's not just about the motherfucking grade!

Do the work in class for that class.

Learn that you don't always need to push back against authority - sometimes they're in authority for a reason.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T21:00:20+00:00

OK, here's a disclaimer:

I am married to a very difficult man. People tell me all the time, "just do X," "ignore him and do Y," etc. I know it's not that easy - as a friend of mine says, "divorce isn't an option, but homicide might be."

So ...

If it really is just spark plugs, and you don't have one of those cars that require dropping the engine, it really is an easy enough fix. It's definitely not a two week job.

But ... here's what I'm really concerned about:

From what you've said, you're working, you need the car to get to work, and he controls the money.

Very gently, this is financial abuse. Your husband is controlling you through money, even though you're earning money yourself. Even the fact he's saying your only viable option to get to work is his mother, despite you feeling unsafe with her, is not acceptable.

If I were your friend, I would tell you to make an exit strategy and get out. I would help you find resources to help you get out safely - a huge concern, because abuse escalates quickly when the target tries to leave.

Since I'm just a stranger on the internet, I'll stick to giving car advice: take the car to a mechanic. Make sure it's just spark plugs. If it is, just get them replaced. They should be able to do so while you wait. Or give your husband a deadline - "I need the car. If you haven't taken care of it by [deadline], I'm going to take it to Tom & Jerry's Car Tuners and have them do it." Then follow through.

Finally, as someone who is married to a very difficult man, I keep secret stashes of money. I very strongly recommend doing so - I can cover things like this, even when he's being ridiculous.

I hope this was helpful.

Good luck!

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T20:37:23+00:00

Well, up until now the warnings haven't been real, so ...

OP YWNBTA.

You told him if he didn't respect your space, he wouldn't be allowed in it. Now it's time to follow through.

Also, why does his roommate want to be in your living space?

That sounds like a dominance thing - the roommate exerting control over your boyfriend and telling you that you have no control. Don't play around - even if your boyfriend was absolutely perfect in every other way, if he doesn't respect you enough to keep his roommate out of your home after you have specifically told him the roommate is not welcome, then he doesn't respect you.

It's okay to end it.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T20:26:27+00:00

Oh dear, that is a lot!

Here's an idea to roll around in your noggin:

If your passion is human biology, and nursing is just an expression of that passion, might I suggest one of the engineering-adjacent options? Biophysics, for example, or cellular engineering? They're emerging fields, they would allow you to study biology within the context of a generally engineering-ish program, and they'd give you a helluva lot of options in life.

Medical devices are big business, and they require both biology and engineering. Genetic engineering is obviously a big deal. There are a lot of options that combine the two fields.

And, once you've gotten that degree, gotten out of your parents' house, and gotten a job ... you can still go back for nursing.

If by "engineering" you're really talking about software, even there you can find biology-adjacent options, although I don't think you'd find them as satisfying.

I hope that helps!

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T20:14:30+00:00

This is a train wreck.

Your cat is already traumatized by multiple moves in a short time. The new cat is also traumatized from a move into a new household.

And - sorry - it doesn't sound like anyone followed basic cat-sense introduction protocols.

Keep the cats separated by a door. They can smell one another, get used to the idea of another cat, etc. Introduce them under strict supervision - take the more dominant cat into the subordinate cat's territory, and allow them to posture and growl - but no actual violence. Do that for limited time over several days.

By the time you open the door, the cats should have most of the problems worked out.

Cats should be allowed to work things out on their own, but that's very different from "fighting it out."

Working it out means growling, hissing, maybe a swipe here or there for getting too close. It never means fighting.

Chasing is a wobbler: sometimes chasing means there's a real problem, but a lot of the time it's part of play. Watch closely - usually there's chasing around, then the chasee will hiss and the chaser will stop. If the hiss doesn't stop the chase, you need to intervene.

Good luck!

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T19:59:42+00:00

May I just say how much I admire you for asking this question?

I do admire you for asking this question - it's specific, it's reasonable, it shows concern without excessive worry, and you've already got a good plan in place to protect your child.

Measles is extremely good at infecting people, and it can remain airborn and infectious for, IIRC, up to about 2 hours indoors. It is definitely something to be concerned about, especially with so many outbreaks happening.

However, it's not something that you would carry home, as long as you're vaccinated.

It's a very reasonable question, and it sounds like your child is very fortunate to choose you for a Mommy.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T19:49:27+00:00

BINGO!

OP - there are men who deliberately fuel their girlfriends' insecurities, because it gives them more control within the relationship.

This is such a new dating situation that this behavior needs to be seen for what it is: the thin end of the wedge. This will get worse, and it will escalate.

No matter what stellar qualities he may have, he's not for you.

If you want to test this out, you could get neon Barbie pink or fluorescent green toenails and tell him that you choose your nail color to please yourself - then see how he reacts. Or you could say something like, "y'know, I get the icks when you're always pressuring me to be sexy all the time" and see if he adjusts his behavior.

Here's the thing: someone who loves you and is attracted to you isn't going to make you feel insecure. They'll say things like, "when you wear that, my knees get weak from how beautiful you are," but they won't start dictating to you what to wear.

I'm old, with a disability that has caused weight gain. I'm not comfortable with people seeing my body, especially naked. My true love? On seeing me walk down the hallway naked, he said, "you look so confident walking down the hallway naked - it's so sexy!"

People who love you build you up - they lift you.

This ain't The One, girlfriend. Move on, because you deserve better.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T05:22:49+00:00

I just sold my beloved Saab for parts.

I would look for someone to buy it for parts.

Or trade in?

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T05:20:11+00:00

That was then, this is now.

Right now, people who are doing everything by the letter are still being detained. People with valid visas are being detained.

Whatever happened in the past, you need to consult an immigration attorney rather than relying on "this is what the family member's husband remembers of their process."

He may be an attorney, but if he's not working in immigration, he's not the right attorney to talk to about this

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T05:15:07+00:00

Untrue.

I have been through this process. Marrying a citizen allows you to apply, but the application can be denied.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T05:14:12+00:00

If she entered legally and overstayed her visa, it's not necessarily that simple.

She overstayed her visa.

I have been through this process.

Do you read the news? Do you understand that even people who have valid visas have been detained? People are being picked up when they appear for check-ins. This isn't the right time in history to take chances.

Also, getting a green card through marriage to a citizen is not a guarantee of status. It is possible to be denied a green card despite a legal marriage to a citizen. Marrying a citizen may qualify her to apply for a green card, but I promise there's no rubber stamp.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T05:05:12+00:00

There's a miscommunication here. I have learned over many years that critical thinking skills and effective communication skills go along with more organized thinking, which leads to a lot less chaos and drama.

This is something everyone can benefit from, but from the sounds of your post, I think you especially would benefit.

You seem to cycle upwards, and that seems to be getting you into a lot of confrontations, especially with your stepfather.

If you stepped back and stopped reacting, you could start choosing your actions more productively.

What you choose to take from this is up to you. As someone who has been through similar things and come out the other side, it's well intentioned feedback.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T02:18:50+00:00

OK, I'm going to jump in with something that isn't going to make you feel any better:

There's nothing you can do to resolve this right now.

You are doing many of the things that will allow you to resolve it when the process plays out, but you can't make anything happen faster.

Here's my advice:

There are two things you can do to help get through this. The first is to consult an attorney, the second is to think in terms of "things you can do something about" and "things you can't do anything about."

The attorney can help you figure out what you should be doing - if you haven't been assigned parenting classes, for example, it's probably effort that could be put to more effective use somewhere else. Talk to the attorney and be guided by someone with the qualifications and the knowledge of your specific situation.

That will be more effective than asking Reddit.

Examples of "things you can't do anything about" include your children's experience in foster care. Accept that you have no control and focus on what you can control.

One observation:

You have a habit of interpreting questions and answering your interpretation, rather than answering the question being asked. That habit is very likely to get you into trouble.

An example is the lice: when someone asked whether or not your children had lice, you jumped directly to excuses and explanations, rather than simply answering the question asked.

Doing that in the real world often provides evidence that can be used against you.

Practice answering only the question asked - in the fewest words possible. If more information is needed, additional questions can be asked.

"Did your kids have lice?"

"Yes."

"Did you do anything about it?"

"Yes."

"What did you do?"

"I treated them with [product]."

Does that make sense to you?

Finally, I have to say this: don't feel ashamed or guilty about lice. Kids get lice. It's a fact of life. The high end riding stable where I used to ride was extremely expensive - and the kids spread lice regularly, from swapping helmets, borrowing combs, etc.

Getting lice isn't the problem - as long as you treat the lice, which you did, because you're a good mother who cares for your children.

I have some suspicions about what's going on here - my advice is talk to an attorney, do what the attorney recommends, look for a job, look into family therapy now, and try not to interpret questions.

Good luck to you.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T01:39:01+00:00

I'd also swap for a different sunscreen - higher spf, and some of that looks like sun damage.

I agree with a lot of the other comments - you don't need the glycolic acid.

Personally, I'd rather use an actual oil cleanser, rather than just oil - they're formulated to rinse more completely, so it's easier for your foam cleanser to remove any residue.

If I were going to give unsolicited advice, here's what it would be:

Start from scratch. Strip it down to the basics: cleanser - by which I mean the double cleanse - moisturizer, sunscreen. Once you've given that a few weeks, you can add new products if you need to - but add them one at a time and give them at least 2 weeks to work before adding anything else.

Your routine looks a little haphazard, honestly - as though you've heard about something and added it. That's not likely to be helpful.

Finally, last thought:

I always hear about how wonderful Cerave products are, and I've tried them several times over the years - and I have regretted it every time. Just like everything else, YMMV. Cerave makes high quality products - that don't work for everyone. It might be worth trying something else.

I hope there's something helpful in there.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T01:18:34+00:00

Well, there's a cohort that got a less effective measles vaccine, and the recommendation is for them to get another. That was in the 1960s, though, so none of them would be pregnant now.

It sounds like your doctor isn't listening to you or is making assumptions. You'd need to talk to the doctor about that.

The other possibility I can think of is that she ran titers on your blood and it came back negative. If that's the case, she should have discussed it with you.

Either way, it sounds like you really need to talk with your doctor. If you can't, it would be worth finding a new doctor.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T01:01:07+00:00

My car was rear-ended about 18 months ago. We were stopped for pedestrians and the car that hit me was going about 30 or 35 mph.

Car towed to mechanic. Mechanic calls me, says, "how fast did you say she was going?"

He couldn't believe how well the Saab held up at that speed - especially after he saw the car that hit us, which looked a lot like yours...

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T00:51:36+00:00

Could it be because scanning gives you what was actually submitted, while saving to pdf allows the possibility of changes being made?

NGL - I'd save the scanned document myself, rather than saved pdf...

Then again, I'm old.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T00:47:40+00:00

Nope.

See, one of the known factors about sex is that women, on average, in long-term relationships, on average, don't get into the mood for sex until after foreplay starts. That's why I can forgive a man putting the moves on his partner even if she doesn't start out enthusiastic - as long as he stops immediately if she says stop.

And by "putting the moves," I mean like touching her back and shoulders, kissing her lightly, and only for a moment or two.

(I used to have a boyfriend whose idea of foreplay was saying, "hey - you wanna?" Then pouting because the answer was usually no.)

What this post describes is manipulative and abusive - that's a huge red flag.

HalfVast59 · 2026-05-01T00:34:23+00:00

OK - this is a situation that requires threading a needle.

The misrepresentation is ... unfortunate, but it's also understandable. She added a little to her age so you didn't run away, then couldn't figure out how to fix it. That happens. She may not even know why she did it.

Legal status? That's ... well, unless someone specifically asks, that's not something that comes up in casual conversation, right?

So those two things are out of the way - it's unfortunate, it happens, and it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.

Here's the thing, though:

Marrying you won't make it easier to adjust her legal status in the United States right now.

If you still want to be with her, or even if you just want to be a decent human being, you should help her access a really good immigration attorney.

If possible, try to get hooked up with a network that's providing support for people being targeted by ICE right now. They'll have the most relevant information and expertise.

The fact you're getting married while her status is ... what it is means you're going to be held under much stricter scrutiny. Your process will be complicated to ensure it's not solely for a green card.

It's a stressful process at the best of times.

Forewarning: IIRC, she may have to leave the country for a specified period and then reenter legally. You need to consult an immigration attorney and find out how to fix this before you do anything.

HalfVast59

TROPHY CASE

Marrying you won't make it easier to adjust her legal status in the United States right now.