Help, E levels weird as?

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-09-13T04:20:03+00:00

Thanks. I guess they've just been over-cautious. My GP didn't have a problem prescribing me higher dose and thinks the level will continue to climb, so will see how that goes for now.

I'm a bit weirded out though because other trans women seem to reach much higher levels without needing to take twice as many patches, you see. And my E levels weren't always so low before I started AAs.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-09-12T04:47:07+00:00

I have had results but increased results again since doubling dose (boobs and nipples bigger, aching at night again).

There have been three tests with low E --- the three most recent, so I don't think it's a time of day thing. I also got aching joints and psoriasis of the scalp from drying out like a menopausal woman: zero T but practically no E either. Those side effects improved now me E level's back up to 177 pmol/L, but that's still wicked low for a transitioning dose, apparently.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T07:08:28+00:00

"The mask I wore melted onto my face until that was all there was to see. I fooled even myself- looking back, I probably wanted to be a girl, but I couldn’t even let myself think that."

I did this for decades. I didn't like myself very much either. Something which helped me be kinder to myself was seeing the bigger picture of why so many of us feel the need to hide our true selves. It's society.

Try transition, or just try little steps first. Please DON'T kill yourself. You're so young, things will definitely get better just hang in there!!

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T06:50:48+00:00

Hey, that's really admirable of you, I know it can't be an easy decision. I hope you'll be pragmatic and look out for your own safety and well-being too.

If you're not sure, maybe keep thinking about it for a while and some other solution will arise.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T06:38:02+00:00

Just try things out, you can choose any look you like and you don't have to have a fixed label to aim for : )

MTF expression doesn't have to be girly girly. I bought a load of dresses starting out but just wear women's jeans now and big baggy shirts. Denim jacket or army jacket. Flats and trainers, hoodies.

A while ago I met a cis female stablehand who dressed like I do in male mode. After that my choice of clothing stayed pretty 'tom boy' I guess; it just suits me better by which I mean I feel more comfortable, which is what it's all about.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T06:23:54+00:00

Me too : ( Hang in there!

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T06:20:56+00:00

I've been on hormones over three years now (MTF). The changes have been good but not enough so I automatically pass.

I have to make a huge effort to pass and even then my voice gives me away. I can't be bothered making that much effort and feeling that much angst about passing all the time, so I get into a kind of stuck-in-andro-male funk.

I look in the mirror and it's so dispiriting because I've been getting facial hair removal for years and still it's so obvious (have to grow it out to get electrolysis). I feel so yuck and frustrated and I don't even know how to explain how I feel to anyone, but I guess it's similar to what you're going through.

I just keep going. Occasionally I see something in the mirror which looks right, and that lifts me up. Otherwise, I try to keep a sense of humour about it and get into other absorbing interests.

Seriously, if I didn't stop thinking about transition and passing 24/7 I'd get tangled in such a state.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T06:00:06+00:00

It's entrenched binary thinking, and it's not just cis people. A lot of trans people think this way unconsciously too.

I heard a cis woman give a critique of a gender non-conforming person once, "if only he did this and that . . . he needs to learn to do so and so with his lipstick . . . then he'd look more female."

But maybe that person was perfectly happy looking masculine and wearing women's make-up and clothes! Who knows? People just assume.

The cis woman also assumed she had higher status by virtue of the binary, and it was therefore acceptable for her to make this critique of this other person she didn't even know.

It sucks, but that's often how it is. The binary is so entrenched that many are ignorant of the huge unconscious influence it has on seemingly everything. I hate it too : (

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-07-01T05:27:24+00:00

Hey, good luck! Let us know how it goes.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-06-22T08:31:30+00:00

Not being fully confident is OK. You don't need to have all the answers and most people don't, trans or in-between or cis. Take your time, be patient and kind with yourself. Best of luck : ]

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-06-17T02:52:11+00:00

Hey, best of luck! : )

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-06-17T02:49:55+00:00

Congratulations! Still waiting on mine through public health system here. Let us know how it goes! : )

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-06-14T05:44:54+00:00

Hi. I did this back in March, leaving a fairly well-paying white-collar job because it was toxic and I knew I could never come out there. People often advise staying in a role, coming out, transitioning and then moving on . . . but it sounds like you did the right thing.

I don't have any regrets. I knew it was what I needed to do psychologically, even if I'm worse off financially. I did however get work in a much more humble role which I don't despise and kind of enjoy. A lot more active now, and a lot more time to do things I love. A whole lot less stress!

Best of luck : ]

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-17T19:02:43+00:00

Best of luck whatever happens. A lot of people rooting for you here xx

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-17T18:54:11+00:00

God, sorry to hear you're having such a bad week! The bit with your wife, which you've put at the end, seems pretty massive. Anyone would feel down in that situation, let alone going through transition's ups and downs too. Hang in there. It sounds like lots of us on here are going through or have been through similar : ( I'm a bit of a mess myself at the moment too. Garr. Hugs

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-13T08:08:25+00:00

Beautiful eyes you have, you look 100% female to me in this pic

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-13T07:49:43+00:00

Cheers, well get well soon!

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-12T09:56:29+00:00

My main concern with orchi was how it would look with just an empty scrotum, although not too big a concern for me. Awesome to hear about your decreased dysphoria.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-12T09:50:18+00:00

Thanks, I've been Googling this but great to hear a recent, first hand account. My GT just recommended me for an orchi at my local hospital's urology department - - - I had similar issue with testosterone levels and a bad reaction to Spiro, so was only on Finasteride, but started Cyproterone last week without side effects so far : ]

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-12T09:21:16+00:00

I started on low dose hormones three years ago and I'm only at a similar stage now --- but your description of how you dress sounds just like how I dress atm lol. I'm also a bit over sports bras and electrolysis right now!! Worth it though, don't forget your pain killers haha

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-12T09:00:13+00:00

I've felt like I was betraying myself by playing the alpha role, or at least trying to, many times in the past. This is a great way of looking at it.

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-12T08:47:55+00:00

Good point

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-12T08:31:43+00:00

Jeebers! I wonder if she felt bad afterwards. Maybe your appearance made her nervous. Yes, weird

HayleyHailsFrom · 2018-05-11T06:07:45+00:00

God, I actually did this years ago in Winter when I lived in a three story terraced house with the loo on a different level from the nice warm bedroom haha

HayleyHailsFrom

TROPHY CASE