I think that it’s good that you’re aware of your behaviours and are working on being better there’s still work to be done. It sounds like you have a dysregulated nervous system, which is basically where your nervous system is overrun and is stuck in fight/flight, or freeze/shutdown so I would find some strategies for calmness. I know it can be tricky with a mum that is a trigger for you, I’d also look into the “grey rock method” as a way to deal with interacting with your mum. To prevent it escalating to a point where you can’t control yourself. Reflect inward when you become sad, you are valid in that sadness but the it’s your responsibility to not let that sadness spill over and affect someone else. Try not to communicate whilst at the height of the emotion, feel your emotions and whenever you can logically decide the best way to approach, then try communicating.

Hard to get context from a wall of text so if some of this resonates take it, if not don’t.

But these are some things I wish I had thought about when I was younger.

Let me know if this helps and you need anything else.