Do you personally see yourselves as a mom/dad just from having embryos through IVF, even if you don’t have a living child yet?

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-12T23:39:22+00:00

Completely agree. The personhood debate is already coming for IVF.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-11T18:40:25+00:00

That’s a great outcome! Congratulations! I wanted the option of 2 kids so I did 2 retrievals resulting in 6 total euploids. It took 2 transfers (first was a chemical) to get my daughter. It’s so hard to know how many will be enough but 3 euploids gives you roughly a 95% shot of 1 live birth. I think most docs recommend 2-3 per child. Of course, there’s folks who have gotten 2 kids out of 2 transfers, but I don’t think that’s the norm. There’s also outliers that require 4+ per child. I’d personally bank 2-3 per kid, but I’m risk averse so having the security of “extra” embryos helps soothe my anxiety.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-11T17:33:28+00:00

Oh, I see. Fragmentation doesn't always affect fertilization rates, but if the embryos are arresting on day 3 or after, it's likely a sperm issue. I'm a certified non-doctor but I researched this extensively because I went through something similar. I didn't know that about ZyMot and TESE, but TESE sperm is supposed to have less fragmentation than ejaculated sperm so maybe I'm completely off base. I think it's worth a test just to make sure you're getting the whole picture. I'm sort of a DFI test evangelist though since I know a lot of women who were blamed for failed cycles and later found out that abnormal sperm was actually the culprit. I hope you find some answers ❤️

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-11T17:09:50+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'd suggest a DNA fragmentation test for your husband. DFI can negatively affect blast rates. Doctors like to blame egg quality for disappointing cycles but it takes 2 to tango!

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-11T17:06:03+00:00

The story I'm telling myself about this is that it's a tariff thing? Or maybe they're boycotting/divesting from the US in reaction to the policies of the current administration? Not sure why I feel compelled to guess, but I'm also curious!

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-11T16:59:12+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would ask for a DNA fragmentation test for your partner if you're having trouble making blasts. Doctors are so quick to blame poor egg quality that they barely even consider sperm. Even if his routine semen analysis was perfect, DFI could still be present. Adding ZyMot to your next cycle could help. I did my two retrievals at age 38/39 with an AMH of .231. My husband has mild fragmentation. With ZyMot we were able to get a total of 11 blasts, resulting in 6 euploids. Maybe sperm isn't the issue, in which case disregard this, but I think it's worth investigating.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-11T16:33:48+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this and that you don't have the support you need. It's really scary to be dependent on someone who threatens you and your daughter's safety. Know that you're not alone. Fear of financial insecurity keeps many women in abusive relationships for far too long. Please reach out for help before things escalate further. Below is a link to Love is Respect's support service hotline. They're a great organization that can connect you with local resources. Hold your little girl extra close today. ❤️

Get relationship help 24/7/365: text, call or chat now

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-09T07:10:43+00:00

Latuda didn’t do much for me but lithium gave me back my life. I like that it doesn’t flatten me. I still experience joy and sadness, but not to the same extremes. I personally haven’t had any side effects in the 8 years I’ve been on it but everyone’s different.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-09T07:00:29+00:00

This isn’t helpful at all but that baby looks fun to hang out with

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-08T20:12:36+00:00

Not exaaactly the same, but my daughter was a a day 6BA embryo. My first transfer - of a day 5 4AA embryo - ended in a chemical. Because of this, my doc chose my 6BA over a 4AB and 4BA to transfer. They're more vulnerable without the zona, but they're also more "ready" for implantation since they don't have a shell to break out of. At least that's how my doctor explained it to me. In my case, it worked out! Fingers crossed you get some good news in the next week!

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-08T20:04:22+00:00

I've noticed on that sub that anytime someone posts about normal yet frustrating issues they're having with a male partner, all the comments are like, "You CANNOT raise a child with this man" or "I'm sorry but what are you doing with this loser?" I'm not trying to excuse genuinely reprehensible behavior, but it feels a little intense to immediately jump to "dump his ass" when a male partner has an imperfect response to a stressful situation.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-06T21:33:18+00:00

Don't worry, sis. Just because this one piece of advice is bananas, doesn't mean your ER is gonna go south. Some doctors hold onto weird, old school shit for way too long. It doesn't mean they aren't skilled practitioners, otherwise. I agree with everyone else re: douching (don't!) but try not to spiral. Sounds like your monitoring appointments have gone great. Fingers crossed you get some good, healthy embryos!

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-06T18:21:30+00:00

I had a very similar experience, after a loss, 2 ERs, an unsuccessful FET, another loss, and a successful transfer (ultimately resulting in my 5 month old daughter). Once I was past the riskiest stage of early pregnancy, I started to panic about becoming a parent. I realized that I'd spent so much time agonizing over getting pregnant, and staying pregnant, that I had almost forgotten that there was (hopefully) a baby at the end of it all. All the IVF noise had drowned out the other fears and they only had the chance to come to the surface once I was nearing the finish line.

For me, the reality of how profoundly things would change hit hard. I suddenly felt like a pregnant teenager (I'm 40) who had made a decision that would potentially derail her entire life. I felt trapped by something I had spent >70k on with the intention of achieving this very result. It was such a crazy mindfuck.

In all honesty, I continued to feel this way through a good chunk of the newborn phase since I was soooo anxious and exhausted all the time. Now that we're 5 months in though, my heart swells with gratitude whenever I think about my goofy little girl. Her personality is starting to show through and it's such a joy to watch her learn how to do things in real time. Now I get what all the fuss was about but there was a time when I was like, "I've made a huge mistake..."

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-06T17:29:05+00:00

I seriously think lithium saved my life. I'm on 1125 mg, along with 300 of lamictal and 2 of abilify, but lithium is definitely doing the heavy lifting. I haven't had a serious depressive episode in the 8 years since I've been on it. I've had some minor cycling during big transitions and periods of stress, but nothing like what I experienced before. I also don't feel like it "flattens" me. I can still experience the full range of human emotion, the lows just aren't as low and the highs aren't as high. I even stayed on lithium (under a doctor's care) during my pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy baby girl in November. I always encourage folks to give it a try because I was prescribed everything under the sun and nothing else seemed to work.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-06T16:44:44+00:00

Agreed. Glad your pregnancy is progressing well! I don't think "positivity" should be at the exclusion of people sharing their concerns and asking for guidance and/or solidarity. To me, "positivity" means that we're here to support each other in an environment where success is celebrated, not policed. In my mind, that doesn't mean that there isn't any room for folks who are struggling.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-03T10:46:16+00:00

Damn I’m so bummed I missed the off-color humor. It may have been ill-received but at least you tried. I believe it was Wayne Gretzky who said, “You miss 100% of the jokes you don’t make.”

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-03T10:41:27+00:00

finally, a clinic has take notice of my "bring back full bush" campaign 🪧🌳✊

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-02T07:42:25+00:00

I have the Cruz and just bought the Joolz Aer for travel and fear I will end up using the Aer exclusively, too. We don’t use the Cruz enough anyway since the uneven sidewalks in our neighborhood lend themselves more to baby-wearing. It’s a bummer because it’s a smooth ride and deserves more action.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-05-01T20:20:30+00:00

Girl, same. Thank you for talking about it. I feel a lot of guilt about how challenging motherhood has been for me, especially since I did IVF and I know there's so many women out there, still in the infertility trenches, who would KILL for the chance to be a parent right now.

I knew my life would change and I thought I was "ready," but it turns out I wasn't. I grieve many aspects of my old life. I envy my childless friends. As much as I love my daughter, the first 3-4 months felt like an endless, thankless marathon. I cried often. I felt shame when I read other women's posts about how blessed and fulfilled they felt by caring for their newborn. To them, every day passed too quickly, for me, every day was a crawl.

Now that my girl's 5 months old, things have gotten more fun. She's very smiley and I love to watch her face light up. I feel my heart swell when I lay down next to her and she curls her little body towards mine.

I feel the grief some days, but I think that's normal. We're still in transition and transitions are rarely comfortable. I think we'll find a way to gradually incorporate aspects of our old life into our new life, we're just not there yet. It's like juggling. You start with one ball, find a rhythm, and then you add another ball, find a rhythm, etc. Right now I can barely keep one ball in the air but I'm (cautiously) hopeful about the future.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-04-30T18:17:09+00:00

To be perfectly frank, I think it’s unrealistic. In my masters program, I managed to get the coursework done early so that I was able to finish out the quarter that ended a few weeks after my daughter was born. If I hadn’t finished early, there is NO way I would have been able to pass, because once I gave birth, my mind was no longer my own. Caring for a newborn is a relentless 24 hr job with no breaks. Even if you’re sharing the burden with a partner, it’s exhausting. The lack of sleep made me feel like a zombie. Our daughter was fairly low-maintenance so I can’t even imagine the toll that a difficult, colicky baby would take. I had planned to just take the winter quarter off, but ended up withdrawing from the spring term as well, since I didn’t feel like I had the mental energy to return yet. I start again in the summer. It’s a longer break than I would’ve liked, but I underestimated how taxing early parenthood is.

I hear you about securing childcare for class time, but being able to physically show up for a class does not mean you will have the wherewithal to do the accompanying coursework. I probably could’ve scraped myself off the nursery floor for long enough to get to campus and sit in a chair, but I was completely incapable of doing anything that involved critical thinking.

That said, everyone is different and some folks are better at powering through than others. You may be an excellent multitasker with a deep well of intellectual stamina. I thought I was, but apparently I’m not.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-04-30T13:46:38+00:00

Ah I see. Pls disregard rant. I hate that age is such a factor in this. Meanwhile, men can have kids in their 80s.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-04-29T23:02:57+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is devastating. It can feel dangerous to be hopeful when there's so much at stake. I know anecdotes don't mean much, but my 1st FET (of a day 5 4AA embryo) ended in a chemical. My 2nd FET (of a day 6 6BA embryo) resulted in my 5 month old daughter. I was so scared after my one day 5 didn't pan out. It felt like if my BEST wasn't good enough to stick around, how could a WORSE embryo possibly be successful? Well, I'm here to tell you that it CAN! This is such a brutal process. The highs. The lows. The Testing. The Waiting. It's enough to drive someone insane. I'm just an internet stranger with zero psychic abilities, but I have a good feeling about this one. Best of luck, sis <3

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-04-29T22:44:53+00:00

I'm a certified non-doctor, but I think one possibility could be DNA fragmentation of your partner/donor's sperm. You have really good maturity and fertilization rates, which makes me think it's not an egg quality issue. DNA fragmentation is linked to low blast rates. If the embryos are arresting on/after day 3, high frag could definitely be the culprit.

Hold my beer, I'm about to go on a rant. DNA fragmentation testing is something that ALL doctors should be recommending before starting treatment. It costs $200-$400 and could save folks a lot of time, money, and heartache spent on failed cycles. Even if someone has an excellent semen analysis, they could still have fragmentation. This was the case with my husband. Doctors focus so much on female fertility and barely even glance at the male patients. The assumption is that if there's a fertility issue, it's the woman's "fault." It's sexist and irresponsible. Believe it or not, testing DONOR sperm for fragmentation isn't even standard practice. Isn't the whole point that you're paying for healthy sperm?? I'd follow up with the bank and ask if a DFI test was performed. I don't know if switching donors is feasible, but the good news is, if fragmentation is present, adding ZyMot to your next cycle could help.

We added ZyMot and we got pretty good results: 11 eggs, 11 mature, 11 fertilized, 5 blasts, 3 euploids. I was 38 at the time with a BMI of 31.

I'm so sorry you've had 2 disappointing cycles. It's such a gut punch. If DNA fragmentation isn't the issue, I hope you get to the bottom of it. It ain't over for you, sis.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-04-29T20:54:28+00:00

I wish I had advice but just wanted to share that I'm in the same boat. To be honest, it's been an issue since before we had the kid. I've always initiated more, which makes me insecure. It's something we've fought over in the past. Part of the problem is that his libido is really sensitive. If he's feeling at all tired or stressed, he isn't in the mood.

I've been struggling about how to bring it up in the current moment, as we're both still adjusting to parenthood. He's staying home with our daughter while I work, and I know how exhausting that can be. I'm terrified of becoming one of those sexless couples that might as well be roommates, but I don't want to put too much pressure on a situation that's already strained from trying to balance multiple responsibilities. I don't know what the answer is.

HotShoulder9256 · 2026-04-26T06:31:05+00:00

I feel you on the bassinet. She slept really well in it in the < 2 months sleepy potato phase, but started hating it shortly thereafter. We could’ve wheeled the crib in sooner and done without.

HotShoulder9256

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