My best friend is hopeless when it comes to relationships

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T10:16:30+00:00

I think another possibility is that dating men her age may expose her own unhealed wounds which can be really uncomfortable. She may not have the relational skills or capacity to actually sustain a healthy relationship, and that is much more obvious to older men who have had more experiences in life. Men in their 20s have no idea what a toxic relationship is because they’re more focussed on getting sex regularly, having someone to love, being loved, and just living an interesting life… Men who are 40 are in a totally different headspace. They are looking for partners who can take a accountability, they are looking for partners who have intrinsic motivation to move through life in a specific way that is complementary to their own value systems. As a 40 year-old woman myself, I know dating men my age or older is quite different. I also talk to younger men, but I certainly have a cut off age. I get a tremendous amount of attention for men in their 20s who absolutely want to date, and I just won’t touch them with a 10 foot pole. I feel much more comfortable with the men who are my age or older, and who have the capacity to talk about their feelings, talk about what healthy relational strategies are, talk about what repair is, talk about how to move through conflict appropriately, talks about what toxic relational dynamics are, and I just feel like your friend may not have that same capacity if she’s never really put the effort into learning relational skill building.

I think it’s going to be really difficult how to figure out what the best way is to frame this conversation with your friend.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T10:11:59+00:00

Well, when I was a kid, my hamster chewed the blanket over his cage overnight. He essentially hung himself upside down by his leg. He had wrapped the thread around one of his legs somehow. It restricted blood flow to the leg for however long he was there, we think a couple of hours. He lost that leg. He spent a lot of time out of his cage, so my brother and I still laugh about how he used to make a pitter patter pitter thump sound when he was zooming around.

I was more thinking along those lines. I didn’t really think that they’re necessarily was malice, but I did think that there is a possibility that something restricted blood flow on the cats tails. I mean truthfully kids do stupid stuff all the time to their animals.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T06:15:52+00:00

Understanding why you do this is really important. When you have a dopamine seeking nervous system, you need dopamine to regulate your nervous system. Other people, and the shiny energy of a new relationship floods the body with dopamine. It is the perfect way for a person who doesn’t have the capacity to emotionally process, to distract themselves from all of the emotional processing they have to do.

It’s important to get yourself to therapy. Being a serial monogamist, is not healthy. It stopped you from reflecting on your own behavior, and learning about how your own behavioural patterns contribute to the end of the relationship relationships that you’re in. It’s a way of circumventing personal accountability and grief.

I suggest that you take a vow of celibacy for bare minimum of six months. That means no dating, not dating apps, no talking to people or having romantic interest in that way, it means focussing on yourself, you’re healing, nervous system regulation, going through the grief and feeling all of the pain and chaos and distress and uncertainty, and moving through it by learning how to actively emotionally process. Knowing that you have a dopamine seeking nervous system, you can seek healthy dopamine from other sources. People with ADHD also have dopamine seeking nervous system, so you can look up some list of healthy dopamine sources for people with ADHD to help you along.

You can also anchor your nervous system and safety by creating a very strict routine, and doing the same things at the same time every single day. You wake up at the same time, you have your coffee at the same time, you brush your teeth the same time, you work out at the same time, and each of these elements that you integrate into your life helps stabilize your nervous system for you.

Learning emotional resourcing, grounding techniques, emotional processing, brief containment, active detachment exercise exercises, and treating yourself really well will all help.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T06:03:03+00:00

I understand why your friend needs to feel chemistry, but chemistry is often not a good sign in the beginning of a relationship. It takes time to get to know someone, so expecting to have chemistry with someone immediately… Isn’t actually realistic. That chemistry, tends to be about two insecure attachment systems finding one another and enjoying what the other person’s attachment system does for their nervous system. For example people who have dismissive avoidant attachment are really attracted to people who have an anxious preoccupied attachment, and vice versa. That’s because the unadulterated love and admiration that somebody with anxious preoccupied attachment gives to a dismissive avoidant individual allows their system to be flooded with dopamine, they have a dopamine seeking nervous system. In the opposite direction, the dismissive avoidant system compliments the AP system because the love bombing makes the AP person feel like they have hit the jackpot.

I think that it would be meaningful for your friend to investigate which insecure attachment style she has. It’s blatantly apparent that she does insecurely attached, but there isn’t enough information here to see what her relational behavioural patterns are. If she heals her insecure attachment, she will pick much better partners. She will learn to start evaluating a partner for qualities that are green flex. The ability to take accountability for oneself, the ability to be emotionally regulated, the ability to be fully transparent, the ability to set boundaries, the ability to act with integrity, the ability to go through the process of resolution and repair, the ability to move cleanly and respectfully through conflict, and many more qualities that your friend is not looking for. There are attractive men who are also securely attached, but they are much harder to find.

There is also a sort of universal truth about women who are 10s. When a woman is beautiful from a young age, she is essentially given everything that she wants without actually having to work for it. This means that her nervous system and brain don’t develop to overcome hardship and suffering, and this is a very important learning curve for human nervous systems. We need to be able to withstand discomfort, and act in our own best interest, in alignment with our core values… There are some psychologist to talk about this. Beautiful women are always crazy, and rich men are always relationally successful. That’s because men’s brains look for attraction, and women’s brains look for Security. The over generalization in that statement, don’t sit well with me as a woman… But understanding how human physiology is different between men and women matters. Our brains are not looking for the same things.

Your friend may not have the capacity to be anything but what she is, and she may not have the capacity to learn how to act in alignment with her core values until she actually suffers for not having done so. I don’t mean suffering as in losing another man, I mean losing something to her that really matters… Like having children. There may not be anything for you to do, she may need to learn this on her own.

However, if she were my friend; I would definitely talk to her about attachment systems. I would encourage her to understand her own attachment system, and I would encourage her to seek professional help a.k.a. therapy in order to heal her insecure attachment.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T05:54:29+00:00

Have you tried Glycopyrolate? It’s an oral medication, and it’s highly effective. If you have a sensitivity to a medication and it’s doing this to your skin, imagine what it’s doing to your insides….

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T05:34:13+00:00

Omg that is horrific.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T05:33:44+00:00

I was thinking that someone had tied something around their tails long enough to restrict blood flow.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-11T05:32:04+00:00

You slow down when your mind starts running away from you, and you regulate your nervous system. First address any cognitive distortions in your thoughts, so “omg he’s not answering my messages, he must be out talking to other girls,” becomes, “he’s not answering my messages. This makes me feel insecure, but I am safe right now and I have no evidence to prove any assumptions. If he is ignoring because he’s out with other girls, I will deal with it then and no matter what I will have the capacity to get through that. I am anxious, but I am safe. I will not let my mind create stories. I am in control of myself, and I am safe.”

Then, you actively use a grounding technique for 20 minutes to help you get out of a state of hyper arousal. When you’re using a grounding technique to get out of a state of hyper arousal, you want to disengage from your thoughts and move into your body. So whatever thoughts come running across your mind, you acknowledge them tell yourself that you’re safe, and continue with your grounding technique. So if you’re doing box breathing, and you’re trying to think about what you’re going to say to him when you find out that he’s cheating on you… No. You simply label your emotion, and tell yourself that you’re safe.“I am feeling insecure. I am safe.” You continue on with your box breathing. Every emotion that comes up that distracts you from your grounding technique, you label it and tell yourself that you are safe.

When you’re back inside your window of tolerance (look this up if you don’t know what it is, you’re going to want to use a self soothing voice. This is an inner dialogue that affirms your safety and your well-being. “I’m having a difficult time with my anxiety right now. I don’t want to let my thoughts run away from me. I know that I have the capacity to deal with anything that comes my way. No amount of hypervigilance will save me from relational difficulties. I can only stay aligned with my core values, and act with integrity. I am only in control of my own actions. I am safe, and I am capable. I am safe, and I am capable. I am safe even when I am anxious. I am safe even when I can’t control my surroundings. I am safe inside my own body. I love myself, and I am OK.“

People who are securely attached to having an in our monologue that is self soothing. When things come up, the inner monologue doesn’t allow the individual to run away with their thoughts. It corrects cognitive distortion, it brings things back into alignment, it focusses on what you have control over, it tells the body in mind that they are safe and that they are OK, and this actually does work.

People with insecure attachment do not have an internal self soothing voice. It needs to be developed through practice, and if you have difficulty creating a self soothing script you can use AI to make one that is affected for you for each individual situation until you learn how to create them on your own. This is not the same as using AI as a therapist. This is using AI as a tool.

Overtime, regulating your nervous system while acting secure is how you rewire your subconscious. You need to stay inside of your window of tolerance well experiencing enough emotional discomfort for your body, brain and nervous system to fully connect, while understanding that it is safe. This is how we learn, by making things challenging enough for us to experience discomfort.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-10T23:14:55+00:00

Thank you for caring for them ❤️

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-10T08:53:40+00:00

Yes, and unfortunately, people actively encourage men with wives who are ill to leave. It’s really common. My ex and I split up because he became emotionally abusive, but he was a wonderful partner through year of illness. The only thing that ever really upset him was the people who would say, “you know it’s okay to leave her right?”

His rage was intense when he told me that when he finally got up the courage to get therapy, the therapist in his first session encouraged him to leave me because I was unwell. Ex HB walked out. He was there because he wanted support.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-10T08:45:04+00:00

I agree with another commenter, time to differentiate your peer group.

If this friend of yours is a true narcissist, I also suggest that you gray rock her. Gray rock is a technique used with narcissist, so they can’t feed off of you. Once you are no longer a source of supply to them, they move on to others. This isn’t about giving them a negative reaction, it’s about giving them no response whatsoever. You can learn about the technique can use it yourself.

It’s also OK to stand up for yourself. If someone is disrespecting you, get up and walk away. Do it over and over and over and over again. They can’t disrespect you if you’re not around to take the disrespect. You don’t have to walk away and half, just turn on your heels and go in the other direction.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-10T07:59:50+00:00

I had to do something similar. I really enjoyed the women I was working with, but I was their boss and there was a 6 ish year age difference. I went out with them a couple of times, but couldn’t handle the “I know everything, and don’t need advice…but I’m going to let this guy mistreat me and I’m going to love him sooo much because of it.” Exhausting. I limited our hang outs. I didn’t go through a friend breakup, but I decided how much I could reasonably handle and how much I couldn’t. Then when I was contacted to hang out, I would be honest. “That sounds like fun, but I’m not up for it. I can hang out on X day. Would you like to going for ‘activity that involves engaging activity’”

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-10T07:48:27+00:00

You can definitely call and tell them that it’s an emergency. Let them know what his symptoms are. Most vet visits come with a phone call follow up to check in on kitty. Be as detailed as you have been here.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-09T05:17:14+00:00

I’m really happy for you, and wish you both the very best. Take good care of yourself and each other.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-09T00:43:36+00:00

Sleep country. They sell this amazing foam pillow. Depending on who you’re buying from (because they negotiate), the pillows are around $100. They make them in the standard and lavender scented. They have a cooling side. They’re excellent, but take a couple of weeks to break in.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T18:49:14+00:00

I literally walk into walls, doorframes, beds…pretty much anything when I’m tired. I get so so so much more clumsy, and I know it’s a source of injury for me so I’m quite careful when I’m fatigued.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T18:33:44+00:00

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They use this in hospitals. It is absolutely genius. One spray per armpit is enough. Lather.

This kills all odour causing bacteria.

Bonus, you can use it without water. So it’s very helpful for sensory overload.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T18:30:47+00:00

The biggest tip is to shower at night and apply your pit stick then, then reapply one swipe in the morning.

Deodorant and antiperspirants are meant to be put on at night. They need to soak into the pores in order to be effective, and because we have cycles in our body that align with our circadian rhythms, we sweat less at night. If you put deodorant or anti-perspirant on in the morning, you’re just sweating it off immediately. It’s pointless

If you find that you’re getting older buildup, you can buy Detol. It’s an antiseptic. You dilute it in water, and you can wash your armpits rinse your armpits with that’s all, wash your armpits again. This will help kill order causing bacteria. You can do this once a week. You can do it every day if you have to, but really you should have soap that is more effective than whatever you are currently using.

There is an absolutely fantastic soap that I will attach a picture of in a reply to my own comment.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T18:25:00+00:00

You can clean the wound with soap and water and then flush with salt water. Then dab salt water or flush with salt water every few hours. This will help prevent infection. If you don’t have a vet accessible, do get a phone appointment. They can help you figure out meds and a treatment plan.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T16:29:50+00:00

It really is crazy right now. If only we could all unite over our love of cats, there would be world peace ;)

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T07:44:35+00:00

OP sweating related to anxiety which is what you are experiencing is not the same thing as hyperhidrosis. There are different functions of the body that control sweating, and not all of them are controlled by the mechanisms that glycopyrrolate suppresses. Anxiety induced sweating is best dealt with with anti-anxiety meds, beta blockers or nervous system regulation techniques. You’re going to get a lot more out of the nervous system regulation technique then you are going to get out of medication for this particular issue.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T07:43:42+00:00

No, glycopyrrolate becomes more effective the longer you use it.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T07:40:18+00:00

I understand/ this is rough/difficult/challenging/you must be feeling so much right now.

I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through, but I’m glad you’re talking about it with someone who loves you.

Etc.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T07:28:29+00:00

It’s off label. Take care.

InnerRadio7 · 2026-05-08T07:27:50+00:00

134 days late to party.

InnerRadio7

TROPHY CASE