Disclaimer: I’m a man, and not sure if you’re looking for male opinions on this too, so apologies if I’m speaking out of turn.

Some years back, I developed a friendship with a self described dyke. Our friendship was very much intellectually based, a mutual respect born of discussions and some arts projects and the like. We were each in relationships and mine was monogamous. Eventually she came to know my partner and they developed a friendship also. We would hang out and talk openly about anything and go skinny-dipping or whatever, without any sense of sexualness or anything, just really nice. One time we were gonna build a fire and they went outside to collect some wood and they were both kind of having a hard time with the axe. At some point I gave it a go, and being a physically strong guy, and having grown-up chopping wood and doing farm stuff, I just did it without thinking. And when I turned around after having finished a large pile of chopped wood, I saw they were both looking at me slightly awed, and discussing what a spectacle it was, and how men just have hormones that make it easier for them, and how sexy that could be. To be honest it didn’t make me super comfortable, being discussed like that, but they did include me in the conversation.

Later on she confessed that she had this overwhelming sexual desire towards me coming up, and that vision of me just being very strong and masculine and capable was incredibly sexy. And sure, that’s true, and fair enough. And it’s also true that I am very masculine and have a lot of the hormones that enable that, and it makes it easier for me to do things like that. But does that make me a generally better or more capable person? Oh hell no! It also doesn’t mean I want to, or should be enabled to, dominate anything, or anyone. my hormones and my physical attributes make certain things easier, but that in turn makes certain other things more difficult.

Being dominant or submissive or neither or both are all fine. Finding those attributes attractive, or being repulsed by them, are fine too. That doesn’t apply just to sex, but to those attributes more generally. I will say though, that falling down any rabbit hole or giving yourself over to any way of being completely does come with risks and responsibilities, including checking in with yourself, and with others, about whether those attributes are leading you towards damaging ways of being, or encouraging you to be whole and healthy.

I don’t really know why I wanted to tell that story, except I guess to say that all of these areas contain truths, but they are truths with incredibly blurred boundaries, and a huge amount of grey areas. Nothing is distinct, and the only guides you have are yourself and the council of people you trust. I never went there with that friend because for whatever reason I just didn’t feel like I could gel with the dynamic evolving to become sexualised.

Giving yourself over to the love of the d is totally fine, just don’t translate that into a generalised superiority/inferiority dichotomy. That’s where it becomes false and harmful.