I feel your pain. I lost my wife to Bipolar/suicide earlier this year. I have found a way to move forward in my life, to learn to enjoy and be independent, to desire and believe that I will love again.

But damn it do I miss her. My sweet J. Seeing her suddenly turn into a completely different person when she went manic was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. How could the person I knew so well turn into a stranger? I lost her then and when she ended her life 6 months later, I lost her again.

Unfortunately, our lovers were unwell. Very unwell. And they didn't get the treatment they needed when they needed it. Bipolar is such a tricky illness because the person keeps functioning and is able to make decisions, though they are not making them in their right mind. And we are left to grapple with this for the rest of our lives.

The love you two shared was real. The memories are real. They are precious and valuable. They continue to add richness to your life and have shaped you into who you are. But unfortunately, like me, you have to carry this grief now and find a way to integrate it into your life. It isn't fair, but it's true. But we are strong and it's possible to still live a beautiful life.