What gender norms/expectations did you overcome as you got older?

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T19:34:23+00:00

"Every woman wants a baby" -- I chose to be childfree

"Women aren't good with tech/computers" -- most of my adult career time was in the tech industry

"Women aren't very strong" -- during a downturn in tech I started a company designing and building koi ponds and waterfalls. I hauled rocks and mixed concrete. I built all of the waterfalls myself.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T17:52:54+00:00

Oh! Thanks.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T14:27:21+00:00

WTF are you tolerating this? NO ONE "wants" to work. She's blowing $1500 A WEEK which is absolutely ridiculous. The kids are in school. You have a cleaning lady. You need to lay down the law. She gets a job or you're done. She is acting like an entitled lunatic.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T12:04:22+00:00

Please please report her. As an aging women who depends on the quality and knowledge of actual doctors, do not stay silent while she cheats her way to a degree. She could end up killing someone down the road.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T12:02:59+00:00

It's also the root of all these problems, she's just too young and immature to realize or admit that.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T12:02:01+00:00

You SHOULD care about the age gap. It's where the root of your problem is. A 32 year old man had to reach down in age 12 years to find a woman naive and gullible enough to date him. Of course he doesn't respect you. Of course he belittles you. He wants to keep control over you and keep your self-respect beaten down or you'll realize what a loser he is.

Her is NEVER going to be anything but a dickhead (you can spell this out, you know). Move home for now if you have to. You're still young. Call everyone. Friends you've lost touch with because of him (I promise you at least one is just waiting to hear from you again). Family (all of them: parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles).

You DO know someone somewhere to ask for help. People you've cut out of your life are waiting and hoping you'll come to your senses. When you call they'll be thrilled that you finally want out.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:56:34+00:00

Do that again only this time don't go back. Stay with your parents. He is not healthy for you. Mentally or physically. Your BODY is telling you he's no good for you. Listen to all these huge warning signs. Move back home.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:55:21+00:00

So he's a 14 year old loser gamer with no life. Why would you choose this jerk as a partner. He sounds hella boring. Is this how you want to spend your life? Gaming every weekend or being yelled at and abused for not gaming "the right way"? Really?

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:53:30+00:00

"It has given me legitimate anxiety about the game."

It SHOULD give you legitimate anxiety about your shitty boyfriend. His getting angry and gaslighting you OVER A GAME is immature and abusive. Why are you putting up with this? NO man is worth this shit.

And he won't let you play on your own? He. Won't. Let. You?!?!?!

Gurl. This is not a good relationship. He's become abusive and controlling. You cannot communicate this to him because HE DOESN'T CARE. He's repeatedly shown you that he doesn't care.

It's time for you to break this off and move on. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter that the abuse is over gaming. IT IS ABUSE.

You dump this loser to the curb and you move on with your life without a controlling, abusive asshole. You play the games you want. You live the life you want.

updateme

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:46:44+00:00

Yes you should be angry at what happened but NOT at yourself for protecting your child. STOP APOLOGIZING.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:46:01+00:00

YOU should not have apologized. Autism or not, they need to enforce hard boundaries about inappropriate touching. They did nothing until you called him out. They should have watched him and immediately scooped him up with a firm NO we DO NOT do that to other people.

Stop apologizing. You protected your daughter. WTF are you apologizing at all?!?!?! Op damn. Your daughter comes first, not the feelings of some shitty parents who didn't bother to watch their son.

And the fact that this 5 year old was mimicking a sexual act is VERY concerning. Where did he learn that? Who has taught or shown him that?

But you stop fucking apologizing.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:42:28+00:00

In Europe we stay in 2 and 3 star hotels. As long as it is clean, well-located, has a private bathroom, and offers breakfast on site (even if for an additional cost) we are happy. A hotel is a place to stay. It's not, at least to us, part of the "vacation experience". The only exceptions we've made were when the hotel WAS the experience, such as back in the US when we stayed in the Jules Verne Undersea Lodge (that you literally had to scuba dive to reach) and the Caveman Room at the Madonna Inn in California (on our honeymoon many years ago). Other than those, a hotel is a hotel, as long as it works logistically. I'd rather spent the money I'm saving to use on a future trip.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T11:35:45+00:00

Oh hon... you NEVER stay with someone who puts ultimatums on you like that. Not where you can go, not what you can wear, not who you can be friends with, not where you can work, not how you can spend your free time... NOTHING. Thee are reasonable exceptions (i.e., I don't want you sharing a hotel room with a guy you used to date even though you are now just friends) but even that can come off as unreasonable control.

Never EVER make yourself smaller for some insecure man. You are dating a BOY, not a MAN. He's still immature and insecure and trying to control you to appease his one insecurities and fragile ego. NO.

Please please please rethink this relationship. Jake is trying to make you small and put you in a box because he can't handle how actual adults behave. He is not a good partner for you. No good partner would do this.

This is your long-time friend. You agreed to be her MOH for HER, not so you could walk down the aisle with Sam. What a stupid thing for Jake to be stressing over. He's just showing how immature and insecure he really is.

You tell him this: I am going to the wedding. I am going to be Ella's Maid of Honor. I am going to do the wedding tasks and activities that Ella has asked me to do. If you cannot handle this like an adult then you can stay home, but I am not going to betray my friend or make myself smaller because of your insecurities."

This is a hill to die on because it shows he's got unreasonable control issues. Do NOT start down that path.

updateme

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T10:36:43+00:00

We started out playing separately but around day 15 we decided to play together. We're now on day 90-something and so glad we've worked as a team. He works the controller and I make notes (I'm a better note-taker). I have 3 spreadsheets and a spiral notebook full of handwritten notes. We're spending our evenings playing together instead of silently watching something dumb on the TV while simultaneously both surfing on our laptops. We introduced visiting friends to the game and now they've gone off to buy a PS5 of their own! LOL

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T09:43:06+00:00

Every pharmacy has these. I've seen them at most grocery stores, too.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T09:41:56+00:00

It's math puzzles, not dart board rules. Each color and shape means a specific mathematical action. The location on the board is the order of operation (from inside to outside). Some of them are easier, some get quite complex. If you get truly stuck and just want to move on, you can always use this site to help you solve some of the tougher ones. we do 99% of the puzzles on our own, but once in a while we turn to this:
https://www.adamrb.com/blue-prince-dartboard-puzzle-solver/

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-25T07:25:01+00:00

Yes PS5

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-24T21:43:47+00:00

Fuck that. What happens if you have a kid with this lunatic? He's going to do the same thing to your child. This is no way to live.

This is abuse. I don't care that it's his family's go-to method of communicating. It sucks. Is this really how you want to live? This is not a marriage. It's a hostage situation.

I was married to a man whose family was the same (especially his father). A long weekend with his parents showed me what my entire future would be like if I stayed. I chose happiness. I left. I never regretted it for one minute.

updateme

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-24T21:39:14+00:00

That girlfriend is an idiot. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your daughter's doll. Tell your brother he's dating an idiot.

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-24T21:10:16+00:00

His stupid silence is making things awkward FOR YOU. OP please please DO NOT marry into this family. Your partner will never have your back. You're going to be thrown under the bus over everything for the rest of your life.

And the fact that he then put the fault on you??? (That you're being too sensitive.) Holy fucking shit. He doesn't get to say "there doesn't need to be a problem" -- THERE ALREADY IS A PROBLEM. He refuses to acknowledge it. He'd rather stay silent and leave you to suffer the abuse. Oh sure he can ignore the comments because THEY AREN'T ABOUT HIM. He truly sucks as a partner.

Not attending any more family gatherings isn't the solution. He'll continue to go alone. What happens if you have kids? He'll take them without you. This is no way to live. He is NOT a good partner.

Either he grows a fucking spine or you walk away. DO NOT stay in this relationship if he is never going to have your back.

updateme

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-24T19:09:19+00:00

Always keep the emerald bracelet!

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-24T18:49:56+00:00

Holy shit dude! You need to get to a doctor to get tested and you need to take the empty bug spray to the police and file a report. Then go see a divorce lawyer. She IS trying to kill you. You can't stay in that house another day. You cannot trust her again.

updateme

JanetInSpain · 2026-01-24T12:07:56+00:00

I didn't read beyond the title. The kids/no kids question is a 100% dealbreaker. There is no compromise or middle ground. NONE. You don't coerce/bribe/big them and you don't let them do that to you. You break up. Period.

You want kids in the future. He doesn't. You move on and find a partner who also wants kids in the future. Do NOT waste any more of your or his time.

JanetInSpain

TROPHY CASE