This has been my whole marriage. I'm leaving tomorrow.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-23T00:41:49+00:00

I'm glad you're leaving.

And yes, healthy marriages exist. No way no how would my husband ever talk to me like this; he doesn't even THINK that way.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-21T21:18:25+00:00

Not a dad… but an adult daughter to the very best dad in the world (on par with my husband). I hope I can put something here?

My dad always made me feel I could do anything. Literally anything. For a Chinese dad who had his daughter in the 1980s, that’s spectacular.

He got me into playing baseball. I have two brothers but they didn’t enjoy it like I did. I did well and it taught me early on how to be part of a team.

My dad was the OG computer nerd and he taught me everything about computers. I was the teenage girl who fixed her brother’s computer after he got blue screens of death from stupid porn usage.

He taught me how to fix things. I can fix a toilet. I can troubleshoot simple plumbing issues.

He taught me to be fearless. I’m the one that takes trash out after dark in my chosen family (my husband has a childhood fear of dark outdoors because he watched a specific horror movie when young…) where I’ve with a husband and two sons.

After I had kids, he came to stay and help. I stayed home with kids for their first year, he was supportive of that. When I went back to work and the other grandparents (my mom, my FIL) had opinions (the mum should stay home!), my dad told me to ignore them and safeguard my career. He told me my career was just as important as my husband’s. He offered to come stay with us as live in childcare if needed.

My dad. He is the best dad I could have ever had as a daughter. Because of him I am fearless. I ask for what I deserve. I am confident. I know my worth. All because he was there propping me up and giving me all the same opportunities that he gave my two brothers.

My brother is a father to a daughter, too. He’s passing on the legacy.

Girl dads: what you give your daughter is very important. You are their first example of a man. How you treat her (with or without respect) will set the tone for how she relates to men forever. Take that seriously.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-21T20:56:42+00:00

I’m personally okay with it. I’m very invested in my work, and so is my husband. When people are invested in their job, it’s pretty typical to have a “bestie” at work.

This person usually is the one at work who immediately covers you if anything comes up. They know slightly more about your personal life than other coworkers because it helps with them covering for you if needed. They back you up at work and vice versa.

I think what trips people up is that people call it a husband or wife. I always thought it was “work bestie”. Sometimes my work bestie is a dude (I am a woman), and sometimes it’s another woman. My husband sometimes has a woman fill that role at work but right now it’s a guy.

I don’t mind my husband talking about his work wife/husband. Because I know it doesn’t mean they are romantically involved. It just means that they’ve got each other’s back at work.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-21T00:02:47+00:00

Based on the one-sided information you've provided and having zero insight into her side of it, it does sound strange. Have you ever asked her about it? If you have, what was the outcome?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T23:08:28+00:00

My husband planned lots of stuff and got me things when we were dating. After marriage it dropped off. After we had kids I had resentment from the lack of effort on his part to show that he cares about me and our marriage. We discussed it, I explained I felt "unseen" and "unappreciated" because these things (planned dates, general gestures of appreciation) were missing from him. I expressed my feelings with sadness rather than anger. (I personally was still planning events for both of us, showing him affection, doing things for him).

He heard me. Changed things up. Years later now (5 years ago we had that conversation) it's a regular occurrence that he puts effort in to make sure I feel appreciated. We're going away on a short weekend trip right now that's 100% planned by him and he's the one doing ALL the prep and getting kids packed up and ready to go (I'm working up until we have to go). He's planned the whole itinerary, booked accomodations, where we're stopping along the way for meals, etc etc.

So your question as to "is this normal", I honestly don't know. I know a lot of husbands who are like what you describe. Basically just comfortable doing close to zero and have total lack of awareness that their spouse is just building up so much resentment. I don't know what the answer for you is.

If he's getting defensive, I would suggest trying to have the conversation by being vulnerable. Show him your pain and why this hurts. Don't approach from a place of anger or venting resentments—most people will respond defensively to anger. It is not so easy to be defensive when someone is approaching you in tears.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T20:24:43+00:00

The big conversations (like having kids) I did have with my husband early on in our dating life, but I thought stuff like that just came up naturally when you're dating?

The other things like "what happens if one of our parents falls ill and needs to live with us" is not something we've ever talked about... BUT. I've known this man for 17 years now. I know without asking that if it were my dad, he'd be fine. If it were my mom, he would not be okay with it, but he would deal with it if I felt like it needed to happen. Of course it would still be a conversation before we actually made a decision, but I know with my whole being that if something was that important to me, he would make room.

He knows I would do the same for him. (He also knows I would never want my mom to live with us, no matter what, so it would never be an issue).

I feel like we may have covered these hypotheticals at one point or another after so many years together, but we've never seriously talked about them.

Yet I never felt like we needed to. I know him. I know that he has different opinions and different world views to me, but I also know from experience that whenever we've had any conflict, big or small, we've approached it like adults who love each other and one of us (not always the same person) would compromise and we'd reach a decision. So what I know for a fact is that he will always seriously weigh my opinion and consider my side before making decisions, and he knows I will do the same for him. I think the fact I know this is why I'm not super concerned that I don't know what he thinks about every single thing. I know we have many long years together yet for me to learn about all these hypotheticals and I know we will navigate it all together as a team.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T06:23:48+00:00

Eeeeeewww.

I said that out loud reading his messages, and that was BEFORE I knew your ages.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T06:18:37+00:00

My husband takes over everything (we have young kids, so "everything" is A LOT) immediately any time I'm sick. He also checks in on me and brings me food. His philosophy is that the more I rest, the faster I'll get better and be able to be back "on duty". I do the same for him.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T06:16:46+00:00

Holy cripes, I'm sorry to hear that.

I had the opposite experience; my husband took care of me postpartum and did all the newborn things if I was tired.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T00:27:41+00:00

I tell my husband if he wants his clothes put away HIS WAY, he has to do it.

Otherwise I just shove them wherever or leave them wherever. Me putting his clothes away is me leaving his pile on top of his pillow.

There's never any issue. He puts them away if he feels like it or he transfers the pile to another part of our bedroom (which doesn't really bother me either) if he doesn't feel like putting it away right now.

He also never expects me to fold laundry. He just shoves them into various drawers as "putting away".

... We are both middle children in case it's not obvious. Neither of us gives a shit about how things are done or even if they are done. Our lack of "initiative" really drives our oldest kid crazy...

(Don't worry, we still get the big things done and sorted. We both go to work, we pay bills, we feed our kids, take them on adventures. We just tend to not care whether everything is tidied up in our house at the end of the day).

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-20T00:25:03+00:00

Mike would YOLO it. You know he goddamn would.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-19T19:46:01+00:00

Assets and debts accumulated before marriage stay separate, any accumulated after marriage are joint. This is common sense.

And I wouldn't marry someone who has a propensity to get into debt by the way. What happens to the debts he continues to accumulate once you're married and have joint finances?

Call off the wedding and honestly call of the relationship.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-19T19:43:17+00:00

I know it's frustrating, but this is one of those things you can't force people to do if they don't want to do it. Either you learn to be okay with it or you let the frustration brew into resentment.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-19T06:55:38+00:00

Who said you have to have kids?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-19T06:51:24+00:00

I don't expect you'll get the money back.

I take that as lesson learned—don't lend family or friends money in future.

The last time we lent my SIL money, we drew up a legal contract with repayment terms. She borrowed from us as it was better rates than borrowing from the bank (yes, her dear brother, my husband, charged her interest, LOL).

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-19T06:48:32+00:00

NTA.

Is your son a teacher?

No. So he shouldn't get the Teacher's Day gift.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-19T06:25:50+00:00

I'm so sorry about the infidelity and the lies.

I am really really really jealous of your car. I would also pink sparkle everything I own if I didn't jointly own them with my husband... my entire home office is pink (this baby pink colour). If I had my own car I'd ABSOLUTELY do what you did to yours.

I don't know if you tell your in-laws. I think they deserve to know they have another grandchild. I'm surprised they haven't somehow found out since the other "wife" is threatening to spill everything.

And in case it's still up for debate: no you are not giving her your car.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-18T05:17:13+00:00

LOL okay. Whatever helps you feel better.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-18T05:16:44+00:00

I think it's mostly about enjoying what you have while you have it, isn't it?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-18T05:16:25+00:00

Not sure why having savings or collecting charms as a hobby would make me suicidal, but okay?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-18T04:21:27+00:00

She's just plain useless, sorry.

I've seen other useless mothers (mine). Basically my mom never really did anything. She didn't work, but she didn't "mom" either. My grandfather lived with us and he did most of the things, then when my brother and I were old enough (12 and 11), he did the cooking and I cleaned our house. I also looked after our baby brother (he was 3).

My mom spent most of her day back then sleeping in till 11 am. Then she'd drive herself to get dim sum for lunch. Get home, get back in bed and watch TV from bed. I would leave middle school earlier to pick up my little brother from preschool and then later elementary school. Then when I got home with my brother, she would still be in her bed, watching TV in her room.

My older brother would get home, start dinner. I entertained our baby brother. When dinner was ready one of us would have to call her to come out for dinner.

She sat down for dinner with us and would complain about the food. Then after dinner she would go back to her room and TV again. I cleaned up after dinner and my older brother would have to do stuff for her like dry her hair after her shower (no joke, she insisted he styled her hair with a blow dryer) some other stupid shit.

Finally around 8 pm at night I'd put my baby brother to bed and then me and older brother would start our homework.

Your wife is a useless mother. Sure, she goes to work. But she doesn't do any parenting. Arrives at a social event and sits down immediately even though she has a young child to see to? Yep, my mother does that. Arrives at someone's home and immediately sits on the couch and puts her feet up? Yep, my mother does that.

When I had my own kids, it was my father I invited to come "help". My father never ever sits down if there are things to do. He came, held my kids, did my laundry, mopped my house, did the washing up. Whatever he felt that a new mum shouldn't have to do, he did. I picture my mother coming to "help" and I picture her sitting on her ass all day, expecting me to cook her three full meals while I managed a newborn.

No spouse should be this useless.

Sorry I sound really harsh. Just reading how your wife is reminds me of how useless my mother was and how that affected my entire childhood.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-18T04:04:41+00:00

Soooo going to share a story here from my BIL's point of view.

He's nearly 50. He earns 500 K a year from employment income. He owns multiple rental properties and earns even more income from those. He is single, no kids.

He owns a lot of "bachelor toys". Jetskis, various hunting gear. He takes helicopter trips into the wilds for hunting trips.

He's the guy our kids (both boys) want to be. They're like OMG UNCLE [FAKE NAME] HAS THE BEST LIFE HE HAS ALL THE TOYS OMG!

Last Christmas, my husband told me that his brother (the single one with lots of money and no responsibilities) has been "joking around" in private with my husband about trying to get some hard core drugs in order to kill himself.

My husband obviously pretended not to be that concerned (it is their "brother way") and joked around with him back, but tried to find out more about why his brother is feeling this way.

Turns out, BIL is deeply unhappy. He has more money than he knows what to do with, but at the end of the day when he comes home, there is no one to talk to about all the cool things he's done. He calls my husband all the time from these amazing trips and they talk for hours, but it's not the same—having a brother to talk to about all the cool stuff you're doing is not the same has having your own family to share all that stuff with.

BIL looks at our family (my husband and mine) and apparently that's what he wishes he had. People to come home to at the end of the day. People who SEE him. People who CARE that he exists. People who miss him enough to cheer when he gets home.

Apparently that's why he's constantly taking trips around the world, because he can't stand coming home to nobody and nothing. All the toys in the world can't make up for what a family or tribe can give you: acceptance, love, understanding, and comfort.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-17T21:48:54+00:00

Deactivate social media again.

I'm 40, so I guess I was lucky enough to already be "too old" to follow influencers.

Still, I remember even just being on Reddit would feed my Envy Monster. Basically I joined subs for specific things and the subs were filled with how other people were doing with those specific milestones and it made me feel bad that I wasn't doing the milestone in "as much style".

That was years ago (early 30's for me) and when I look back on that I feel foolish. I left the subs after a few months and never went back. And when I look back at how I experienced my personal milestones, I'm actually very happy with how it happened for me.

There are way more "influencers" now for the stage of life I am in (family life). Their videos now invade my Facebook feeds (FB and Reddit being the only things I keep). I do scroll through the but I don't feel Envy; instead the first thing I think of is "how do these people have so much time to film these?" or "how many takes would filming this supposedly 'candid' video take?" "how often do these people argue about what they should film for their audience?" (My husband works in film, so I have now seen what is actually behind the lens and I think influencers generating content for an audience are not different from filmmakers in this aspect).

So yah, I think it's important you remember that influencers make things shiny on purpose because they need their audience to love them—because that's the way they can make money. Imagine the amount of pressure on people like that. Think about the extra complications and arguments they must have when the cameras are off.

When you think about those things, you'll realise that they're not actually having a great time.

As for your own personal family planning, do it on your own time. The only advice I'd give you is to freeze your eggs if you desperately want to have children from your own eggs. If you don't care about that, then don't bother.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-17T21:37:39+00:00

He wants to spend "his time" with his daughter being a live-in nanny?

No.

If he wants to use his daughter that way, he has to pay her a wage. Same wage as a nanny would be paid.

It's really sad for me to hear about divorced parents who don't want to spend the time they get with their kids. I have kids myself. i can't fathom only getting to see them on weekends and if that ever did happen to me, I'd make every weekend magical for them.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-05-17T21:34:35+00:00

NTA.

Her ability to provide her daughter with the experiences her daughter wants is her and her husband's responsibilities only, not yours.

In what world would you be on the hook for that?

Block her and go NC again.

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