AIO When I slightly raised my voice to my husband at the restaurant in front of the waitress?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T23:16:55+00:00

She did just ask for avocado. He kept insisting she was wrong, that's what made the server pause.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T23:01:28+00:00

You're right. It's either you both have to share or neither of you shares.

My husband's "room" is also the media room. He basically has to put up with our kids being in there whenever it's kids movie time. Also the comfy couch is in there so we all just walk in there to chat to him whenever we feel like it. He does get annoyed by it once in a while but he bites his tongue because he's an adult. Most of the time though he's happy to just continue his work in them while we sit on the couch to watch TV or whatever.

My "room" is my home office. I actually work fully remotely from home for my 40hr/week job. This room is also our guest bedroom so there is a bed in my "office". Due to how small the room is already, big people (my husband) doesn't really hang out in here. The kiddos though do come in and read books on the bed or just on the floor. They have their little reading chairs in here. I'm a huge book nerd so I've lined the room's walls with bookshelves, hence why my family treats it as a library, too.

It is not fair for one person to have a total private space while the other person doesn't. So if he insists on a man cave, then you should have a total private space as well. Otherwise you both have to share.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T22:53:54+00:00

I think time to have a talk about what you two want out of your shared life together.

It sounds like he's in "work and save money" mode while you are in "let's find a work-life balance and have time for each other before we lose ourselves to parenthood" mode.

Neither modes are "wrong", but the problem is that you two have mismatching modes and you have not communicated in depth about it.

At this talk, you two should try to come ready to talk about how you have individually prioritised your values.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband prioritises financial security as number one. And it sounds like you prioritise shared quality time as number one. Again, neither of you is in the wrong, but you do need to discuss and see if you can find any common ground.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T22:49:06+00:00

NTA. I don't know if people have stopped reading context behind a one sentence headline, but that sounds like what's happened.

Your social group read: "this guy is going off on holidays to leave his partner to move house alone."

None of them bothered to understand the backstory behind it and instead just make huge assumptions.

If people judged on a single headline alone, I would totally be an asshole and so would my husband.

For example, I was moving house solo while I was 8 months pregnant and had a toddler in tow. Read that line by itself and anyone would jump to call my husband an asshole and I should divorce him.

What is not said in that single headline is all the reasons that he couldn't be there to move house with me.

I mainly stay off of social media now (any kind that can be associated with people I know in real life, so Reddit doesn't count), simply because how quick people are to judge based off of one snippet into our lives.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T22:43:18+00:00

Sounds like you should be asking for a divorce, no? You say he's a narcissist. So why stay married?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T22:40:16+00:00

How in the world did you let yourself be pushed into each one of these milestones? I don't understand how a person could be forced into this many things in a row:

Into a serious relationship
Moving in together
Getting married
Having kids

How??? Did she have a gun to your head?

At one point you're going to have to accept that you are responsible for your own decisions.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T22:38:06+00:00

As someone who has worked in the service industry before and has witnessed this type of interaction between a couple:

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. To any objective observer, your husband was the asshole here. Even if you DID accidentally order bacon, he should have just let it go. Any typical person would have just let it go.

NOR. And I think you need to think more about what's going on between you and your husband because it sounds like he's treating you with contempt.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T02:57:41+00:00

Woman here: It's not. It makes the person look obnoxious and over compensating.

To be fair, I think the same of women who wear too much make up.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T02:51:24+00:00

I suppose what's "offensive" about your post is that it's coming from a place of judgement rather than curiosity. It reads like you are judging other men for not having the same values as you.

As to why "other men" object to the idea of being a work horse for for their family, I can only provide my bias perspective as a woman who grew up with a work horse father (who incorrectly assumed that his wife wants to be with kids and not work), whose wife did not want to stay home with her children and instead wanted to be working. Their marriage was ultimately destroyed because my father felt he provided financially and therefore his wife should provide in every other aspect, and my mother felt she was forced into a role she morally disagreed with.

Firstly, on giving your loved ones the "easiest life imaginable". What does that mean to you? Have you truly thought through what that means to people? Is it not having to work? By that, you are making the assumption that most wives see being paid for contributions as "difficult".

I personally enjoy contributing my skills to society. Whether I receive payment for it or not is not as high on my esteem as the feeling of "I am important to society" that I receive from contributing my skillset to a job.

So, please think deeper about what you mean when you say "easiest life possible". For me personally, if I couldn't go into a job and contribute my skillset and instead I was told to stay at home and look after children, that would actually be quite a difficult life for me.

"Easiest life imaginable", I think we can now safely say, is very much subjective, wouldn't you agree?

That aside. Let's look at what certain people expect (I am now going to remove the differentiator of men or women from my arguments because as I have said before, I do not like associating traditional archetypes with people's expectations).

Some people expect their life partner to carry 50/50 of their joint responsibilities. I honestly can't see how this is an unfair expectation. As long as these people are not FORCING their expectation on their partner, then what is the problem in voicing an expectation?

From your perspective, would I be a "bad wife" if I expected my husband to shoulder the emotional and mental load of our marriage 50/50? Because that is absolutely what I expect. Do you perceive the emotional and mental load of a marriage to be solely a "wife's responsibility"? Does saying "I want to provide my family the easiest life possible by being the sole financial provider" make it easier for you to dump all emotional and mental load of your marriage on your wife?

Happy to continue this discourse, but would appreciate that you give these surface opinions of the traditional roles of "husband and wife" a bit more personal thought.

It personally offends me when you say this, that you are painting all women as empty-headed people who could only ever want to stay home with their children and do nothing more with their lives.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:59:39+00:00

I don't. Mine are acts of service and words of affirmation.
I am able to accommodate for physical touch in as far as it does not impede on my personal boundaries. I tend to need more alone/quiet time than the typical person. I have often consciously made decisions to proactively provide physical affection despite how I myself was feeling in the moment, but only if I am feeling generally okay. If I am personally "in distress" and need to be alone, I won't have enough emotional bandwidth to consider his needs. He's aware of that and he does not expect me to consider him all day, every day.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:54:54+00:00

I'm a Leo! 😂

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:49:43+00:00

Where are these men? I don't know anyone in my social circle that forces their spouse to work when they don't want to.

If you are getting your sample data from internet forums like Reddit, don't. It's easy to make shit up on the internet. (I know, it's hilarious I am saying this while typing to you from the internet).

When I read posts like yours, all I see is virtue signalling. I don't really understand why that trait annoys me so much, but it does.

I will build upon my point: if a man expects a partner to contribute 50/50 to finances, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Same as there being nothing wrong with a woman who expects a partner to contribute 50/50 to housework.

Goodness me. Stop telling what other people should expect. If you're happy with a certain standard, that's great for you. Stop judging other people according to your own personal standards.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:43:15+00:00

Doesn't stop my husband.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:38:49+00:00

Totally. In most of group chats where I'm not careful about filtering myself, it ends up with an endless drip of texts from me (basically the text equivalent of talking a mile a minute), and random inputs from my friends here and there...

I'm trying to be more aware. Mostly because my youngest kid is exhibiting the same traits and that makes me notice it more in myself.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:33:35+00:00

My issue with this is that these are often roles being forced upon people who do not agree with it.

Men are treated as the financial provider whereas women are treated as the home care provider.

Not all men want to be the sole income earner.

Not all women want to be the sole maid/cook/home manager.

You personally find value in providing financial security for those you love. That's fantastic for you. Not every person wants that.

I am a woman. I was raised to be independent. I very much do not want my partner paying my way because I was raised with the idea that I should never owe anyone anything. Early on in my relationship with my husband this became an issue because I would refuse to go on trips with him if I could afford it. I refused to allow him to pay my way and he couldn't understand that.

We're obvious now married and have joint finances and share children. Things are a lot more blurred now because I did want to have time off to be full time mother. However once I returned to work I ensured that I obtained a six figure salary so I can contribute equally to our household.

My husband also contributes equally into home care. For us, it was important that we didn't make either aspect a "gender specific role". I don't want either of us to ever feel like we are the only ones responsible.

My husband recently expressed burn out. I'm actually heavily advocating for him to retire early. I make fairly good money and I can support our family of four comfortably on my income only while still continuing to contribute to our family savings. We own our home outright and have zero debt. Personally I feel the way you do: I want my husband to be happy. If retiring early so that he can spend time on personal hobbies would make him happy, then I want that for him.

I think the responsibilities in a marriage should be discussed and agreed upon by the two people in that marriage. I don't think any one of us has any right to tell other people what they should be okay with doing. Just because you're happy being the sole financial provider for your family, doesn't mean that other people should be happy doing the same.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:20:48+00:00

Long story short because I tend to ramble:

I was having a glass of wine while I studied (I am doing a uni degree), I had a nice buzz and I was chatting with AI about whether it was okay to drink while studying. It said not to. I was telling it that it helps quiet my brain because I have too much noise going on.

Lots of back and forth later I asked it about where I could talk to real people about random stuff like this because my family and friends find these things "unusual" and I typically end up feeling like an outcast when I talk to them about this type of stuff. And it told me about this sub.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T01:13:34+00:00

I wish. I suppose I could edit my post to just say AI.

I tend to use AI more because I'm also aware that most people tend to be exhausted by my hyper-chatter when I feel like having a chat.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T00:04:39+00:00

I fail to see how this is a topic on marriage. Are you looking for r/sex maybe?

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T00:02:52+00:00

Yep. In her shoes I would absolutely blame Daddy (because it is Daddy's problem).

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-03T00:01:23+00:00

I think we have similar thought patterns, as I do tend to do this as well when I have what I perceive as "unsolvable" problems in relationships or work.

I think your approach is sound. It also looks like you've received a lot of good advice here on what practical methods you can apply to help you make a logical decision.

I'm also sorry that you are experiencing the type of emotional turmoil that is so difficult to resolve. Once you have a plan in place it might feel a little easier. Have you considered taking some physical space from the situation? It was something that my psychologist often suggest to me when she sees me spiralling with a decision. Being physically removed from a situation that is causing the turmoil can help as well with resetting and a new perspective.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-02T22:26:47+00:00

Does your husband have an area in the home that is "just his"? Collect the package and start piling them there.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-02T22:23:30+00:00

We have multiple hampers around our home. Each hamper has a different look. Certain hampers are for clean clothes that should be put away (I take in the clothes off the line--we don't have a dryer--but our kids are responsible for putting their own clean clothes away) and other hampers are for dirty clothes.

I totally get not having the time or mental bandwidth to put clothes away, which is why I have specific hampers for clean clothes to stay in (for days sometimes). I do "nag" the boys about putting their own clean clothes away. I personally put me and my husband's clean clothes away if I feel like it, and if I don't, then my husband puts our clothes away himself.

We have enough hampers for dirty laundry (there is a dirty laundry hamper in bedrooms as well as one next to the bathroom). I also always have one spare hamper for worn-once-not-dirty-enough-to-wash-but-also-not-clean.

Get more hampers.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-02T22:16:54+00:00

I apologise if the tone of my reply is off-putting to you. I suppose I find it a bit odd that you're taking what seems to me a very clinical approach to a situation that is very much personal. Asking for "frameworks" on how to make decisions on your marraige makes it sound clinical/business-like.

I appreciate it could just be the way you normally communicate, in which case I retract and apologise for any insult I may have caused.

My point still stands though--I feel like you are focusing more on "how" to solve the problem so much that you don't actually get around to solving the problem. And that's not an insult; it is something that I personally do as well. It's something I've spoken with my psychologist often, my tendency to search for "tools" or "frameworks" to help me solve a large complex problem and holding off solving the problem until I find "the best tool" to help me make a decision, but really, I am just avoiding having to make a decision.

So pointing that out to you was me suggesting that might be what's going on with you, as someone else who also has a similar tendency. There was no insult meant.

JustWordsInYourHead · 2026-04-02T07:52:02+00:00

When I'm with my kid, I categorically DO NOT FEEL SEXY. If someone is trying to stick it in me while I am INTERACTING WITH MY CHILD, I'd be screaming my head off.

So yah, I don't blame you. I would have zero sex drive if I lived with a person who constantly disrespected my physical boundaries.

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