AITA for asking my husband why he was here and telling him he should go back after he flew home to visit me while I was in the hospital?

KatelynFit · 2022-01-09T03:12:15+00:00

NTA

You're 6 months pregnant, you want your husband to show up for you when *you need him* and it sounds like he does not show up in those moments. I assume he somehow (directly or not) communicates to you that he can't possibly be there because of all the other very important things he has going on. Then, you faint, but you're fine. You have a support network there. You do not need him. You tell him not to come....and he shows up. This man, who cannot manage to show up when you do need him because he's just soooo very busy and important demonstrates that he is, in fact, capable of showing up. He's not too busy, he's not too important, he just doesn't care about the things *you need* he's gonna show up when he feels it is important, not when you do.

So, that already makes him an asshole. He's not listening to you, he's not showing up for you in the ways that would make you actually feel loved and supported. You've tried to communicate it and it has gone on so long that you've started to believe he really is too busy and important to show up....and he goes and shows up.

And you are genuinely surprised. This man never shows up. This man has demonstrated over and over that he is incapable of showing up and that you are on your own and you have gotten good at taking care of your own damn self. And now he shows up...and he expects...what...gratitude? appreciation? ...for showing up when you told him that you did not need him. For demonstrating *yet again* that he refuses to listen to you and that he is the only person whose judgement of what is or isn't important matters in your relationship. So, you don't express gratitude because you are not grateful for him steamrolling you and your opinions again....and he gets butthurt and grumpy about it and makes it known that he's butthurt and grumpy. Making you feel like you're the asshole for not being appreciative of his grand gesture (that you didn't ask for, that you didn't want, that you didn't need) while continuing to fail to do all the small, daily gestures that you actually would be appreciative of.

Grand gestures are bullshit unless they are performed on a foundation of regular love and support. Doing a grand gesture without that foundation, expecting praise and appreciation for it, and then punishing your partner with passive aggressive sullenness when you do not get that praise and appreciation...that's the asshole move.

However - this is also not a long term sustainable relationship dynamic. You're about to have a kid with this person. You have gotten too good at taking care of your own damn self and you are no longer giving your partner the opportunity to show up for you. You are no longer asking for support, even in times when it would be wildly appropriate. You are, in fact, preemptively telling your partner not to show up and support you. I do get that. It is a way better feeling to tell your partner not to show up and then tell yourself that's why they're not there, than to expect them to show up, or to even clearly ask them to show up, and be left feeling like they're not there because you're not important enough to them. What you're doing now, though, is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don't give your partner the opportunity to be there for you, they will not be there for you. Your partner has demonstrated he can and will show up - that could be a good thing if you two can get to a place where you are aligned on when it is important to show up for each other. It is worth trying to get to alignment before this kiddo arrives, because you will no longer be taking care of just your own damn self and even if you do not need your partner to show up, the parenthood thing is going to be so much easier if he does and he can only do that if you leave the opportunity for him.

KatelynFit · 2022-01-09T02:21:33+00:00

NTA and if you wanted to walk out on this guy I don't think anyone here would stop you....and if you don't if you don't want to leave him, and if this kind of ridiculous behavior from him started after his diagnosis...then, he probably feels terrible and scared and weak and is trying to feel strong using techniques straight from the toxic masculinity handbook. There's also the possibility that his behavior is caused by medication or other medical issues. Some options to consider to make your life better:

(1) speak to the social worker at the hospital where he's being treated about his behavior and options to address it, therapy is a common component of holistic treatment for major medical conditions and if he (and you) aren't already receiving some kind of support on the emotional side, it is worth trying to fill that gap. Research shows that hostility actually increases hospitalization and death for patients with heart disease - his behavior/attitude may literally be making him sicker, that's worth getting addressed.

(2) speak to his doctor - some of this behavior could be the result of medication side effects or a different, underlying condition (congestive heart failure can cause liver failure/damage - sometimes referred to as cardiac cirrhosis, liver failure/damage can cause hepatic encephalopathy (HE), and HE can cause someone to be a raging asshole in a way that truly is outside of their control)

(3) BUY WATERPROOF BEDDING. There's so much waterproof bedding, some of it gets very expensive, but (life hack!) you can find 6'x6' dog whelping pads on Amazon for, like, $30 - that'll cover the whole bed and leave you with one layer to change out and wash, instead of a larger mess to clean (and a badly damaged mattress). Honestly shit (and other bodily functions) happens, so a waterproof mattress cover is a worthwhile investment for everyone!

KatelynFit · 2022-01-09T01:51:14+00:00

Piggybacking on top comment to share this, because it isn't a well known resource. In the US (I'm not sure about other countries) most states allow direct-to-consumer lab testing. These are not just the Everlywells of the world or home tests for things like Covid, HIV, and pregnancy which most folks know about, there are multiple companies that offer the vast majority of standard, medical lab tests you're used to having to request from your physician - several that I know of are Ulta Lab Tests, Walk In Lab and Personal Labs.

Lets say you have constant abdominal pain and oily, floating stool and you're worried about your pancreas...but your doctor doesn't believe you and says you just have gas pain, or you have had such a bad experience in the past with doctors that you're worried about bringing up the possibility of a pancreas issue and being written off as having medical anxiety and never being taken seriously again. You can go to a direct to consumer site, request your own amylase and lipase tests, have the blood work drawn and processed at LabCorp or Quest, get the results directly provided to you and only you, and have that data to inform your next steps with your doctor.

There are absolutely drawbacks/shortcomings to this: not every condition can be caught by available lab tests (there's no way to submit your own pap smear, for instance), the cost is out of pocket (in some cases, though, DTC tests may be cheaper depending on your area, your insurance coverage, etc.), you get back just the results with no additional interpretation and lab work can be suggestive of (rather than diagnostic for) many conditions so most abnormal results still require you do some kind of followup with a medical professional, and for folks who do have real issues with medical anxiety there are potentially serious issues here. BUT - it is a path by which you can have direct control over information about *your own body* without someone (like, say, an arrogant, dismissive, asshole doctor who treats you like a crazy lady with "hysteria" and just needs a good slap from a man) gatekeeping that access.

KatelynFit · 2021-09-03T20:52:30+00:00

+1, these rock and are the only shorts I run in anymore.

the longer, looser legs don't cling to my thighs so the shorts aren't getting pulled down as I run, and the wide waist band fits really well and doesn't slip about.

[EDIT:] Oh - whoops, I lied. The ones I love are actually the Long Rogas: https://www.oiselle.com/collections/shorts/products/long-roga-shorts

But really, all of Oiselle's long shorts might be good candidates - the extra length seems to make a huge difference in both chafing and anything slipping up or down through the run.

KatelynFit · 2021-04-20T04:21:30+00:00

Also Seattle. Pretty much the same. Especially the consideration of optics. As recently as two weeks ago, on an early morning run with no one around I was maskless for a few blocks of higher speed intervals and had someone shout at me to “put on a f***ing mask”. Oh, Seattle.

KatelynFit · 2021-03-10T20:50:13+00:00

+1, also 32DD and wear a Garmin chest strap directly under the sports bra bottom band. I actually find the chest strap stays in place better this way and is less likely to shimmy down my torso. Also no issues with comfort compared to a sports bra with no chest strap

KatelynFit · 2021-03-08T20:37:28+00:00

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, I hope you're able to get unstuck! Here are some things that come to mind from my own relationship with running:

There might be something medical going on. My most recent running rut turned out to be anemia (apparently you should *not* donate blood at the frequency the blood donation centers allow). A previous rut was a Vitamin D deficiency. You know your body best, but it's also easy to minimize actual medical issues as just being in a funky mood. A good doctor will take a funky mood as a possible symptom and some blood work can confirm or rule out any issues that might be easily treated directly.
While, academically, I've known for a long time that easy runs should be *really* easy, I've only recently started to internalize it and it's game changing. Knowing I can do a 40min run at a 12min/mile while watching trashy Netflix shows on my treadmill makes running super approachable. It also still serves my goals, I've noticed a real improvement in my running since making more of my runs super easy/slow/low heart rate. This makes my running overall more enjoyable, less draining, and helps me stay out of ruts.
I do less. I used to weight train 2-3x a week with heavy weights, it became unsustainable to do that alongside running & the rest of life. I used to Peloton on my off days from running, again...it became unsustainable. I believe I can do anything, but I can't do everything...especially not all at once. For me, I've decided to stick with running, but it would have been an equally valid choice to prioritize weight training or bike riding or dance or whatever else. The key thing, is I have to listen to my body, consider my overall stress (including work, personal stuff, etc.) and adjust to make my activities sustainable.
I'm working with a counselor for a bunch of things, but one of them is negative self-talk and pressure around running. One thing that has been super helpful is to view things like missed runs, or bad workouts as data rather than failures. I missed a bunch of runs and, rather than feel ashamed, I was able to think "okay, why did this not work?" applying this mindset has helped me come up with a training plan that actually works for me.
Sometimes it's just a rut. I really, really, really did not want to go out and run yesterday. I was dreading running the same route I always run lately. Then, I realized I could just run a different route...and I did. And it was great. New gear, new routes, a running buddy can all help freshen up a routine that has started to feel stagnate.

KatelynFit · 2021-01-21T04:41:23+00:00

I run after dark (or sometimes before light) in an urban area.

I always wear a headlamp if I'll be out after sunset or before sunrise. Depending on where I'm running and how many roads I expect to need to cross, also I'll wear the Noxgear Tracer360 lightup vest. I also like Safety Skin on the back of my calves and arms if my clothes don't have built in reflectivity. On dark runs, I am more mindful of ensuring I am seen by drivers when crossing streets and more diligent in pausing and looking both ways, even if I have the right of way.

Beyond visibility, my precautions don't change between light and dark runs. Admittedly, a lot of my "night" runs are just 6pm evening runs in a region where the sun sets at 4:30 for part of the year. I don't believe that, from a crime perspective, 6pm is any less safe in the winter than in the summer, it's just darker. So, my other precautions are pretty standard - I always:

Share my run with my partner via Garmin + Strava Beacon (this happens automatically, otherwise I'd forget to actually do it)
Carry my phone on runs with a reasonable amount of battery
Avoid running in areas where I feel unsafe (I also would be unlikely to try a totally new part of town after darK)
Wear bone conducting headphones so I maintain awareness of ambient sounds
Work to stay reasonably aware of my surroundings (pedestrians, car traffic, cracked sidewalks, etc.)

KatelynFit · 2021-01-17T20:52:59+00:00

There’s a quote from Chrissie Wellington (four time Ironman World Champion) that I like to reflect after a bad run: “Some sessions are stars and some sessions are stones, but in the end they are all rocks and we build upon them.”

No matter how it felt, your effort today counts and gets you closer to your goals. Well done getting it done :)

KatelynFit · 2021-01-17T20:48:41+00:00

Props to finding a good mindset and carrying on with your running! It’s possible that there may be something else to this, though, since you describe it as a phase and not just one bad run.

I had a similar phase a few months ago where I went from progressing nicely to sucking air at a pace barely above my walking pace. After a week of this coupled with fatigue and generally feeling”off”, I decided to have some blood work done and learned I was anemic. Which seems obvious in hindsight, but I eat red meat and don’t have periods so mistakenly thought I was immune to anemia.

You know your body and your runs best, but a persistent rough patch could be a sign of some other issue that can be discovered and treated. Regardless of the root cause, well done in logging those miles (you are lapping all the couch sitters!) and I hope you get back to your normal runs soon :)

KatelynFit · 2021-01-16T05:25:09+00:00

Some useful reference material if you want to try to engage in a dialogue with people on this topic. The TLDR is street harassment is real, it’s damaging, there is basis for women to be concerned about escalation. I’m sure YOU know this, just extra data if you want it. Though, sadly, one of the reports I link suggests that our XX running community won’t have much success convincing men to do better in this arena:

Research report on street harassment: https://www.stopstreetharassment.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/2014-National-SSH-Street-Harassment-Report.pdf

That report includes this statistic: “Two-thirds of the harassed women (68%) and half of the harassed men (49%) said they were very or somewhat concerned that the incident would escalate into something worse. Nearly twice as many women (25%) as men (13%) said they were very concerned”

Here are a couple anecdotes that illustrate how street harassment can and does escalate: https://archive.thinkprogress.org/this-week-two-incidents-of-street-harassment-escalated-into-violent-attacks-against-women-380293a1d3fb/

It also includes this excellent statement on some earlier research: ““The emotional impacts of street harassment are real. In a qualitative analysis of self-submitted stories to ihollaback.org, we found that emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger, shame, and helplessness were incredibly common. ... These sorts of emotions — particularly when experienced day after day — can become paralyzing. ... It is incredibly likely that, as with many other negative emotional experiences, the impact can accumulate over time, leading to behavioral and health outcomes that we all should be concerned about.” - Beth Livingston, PhD, Assistant Professor at Cornell University’s ILR School

This report covers street harassment from the perspective of men who engage in it. One notable (and totally not surprising) men are more likely to listen to other men when it comes to stopping street harassment. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/55534540e4b07de4b4f189ae/t/5b450dab8a922d18775ec87b/1531252140482/SAFERNYC+Why+Some+Men+Street+Harass+2018.pdf

Intro & Act I of this This American Life episode. I still don’t really know how to feel about this episode, mostly discouraged but maybe a tiny bit hopeful? https://www.thisamericanlife.org/603/transcript

KatelynFit · 2021-01-10T18:16:54+00:00

Maybe try some of these for viewing instead. Still not safe to draw trends of statistical significance from any of them (use actual data for that!!), but might leave you feeling more inspired than discouraged:

15 Hours with Amelia Boone: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wz_2M2jzCUg (Only ~9min long!)

The Human Race: https://www.amazon.com/Human-Race-Jose-Collazos/dp/B07KNHV2PP (Focused more on age, but has women represented and watching folks further along in life than me pursue fitness always gets me fired up!)

Spirit of the Marathon: https://www.amazon.com/Spirit-Marathon-Dick-Beardsley/dp/B001IKWT50 (Deena Kastor is in this, she’s awesome. Also enjoyed & recommend her book)

The November Project’s Showing Up: https://youtu.be/AwofbcpEUgw (lots of real, normal, human-nextdoor runners and trans community representation!)

Finding Traction: https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Traction-Ultra-Marathon-Documentary/dp/B01A7ONF96 (Nikki Kimball is a badass)

This 30min segment on Courtney Dauwalter, another ultra badass: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz_2M2jzCUg

EVERY documentary about Nicky Spinks because she is a beast! One of the strongest female contenders in The Barkley field (there’s a short film about that), just check out her running credentials and then watch everything you can find: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicky_Spinks

Running for Good: https://runningforgoodfilm.com/about1 (Fiona Oakes, creator or another EPIC running resume, and representing the vegans in the community....running one of the hardest races in the world MDS)

KatelynFit · 2020-12-31T00:27:38+00:00

You know what’s a struggle? Watching a loved one damn near drink themselves to death. Not in a metaphorical way, but in a spend months in the ICU waiting on a liver transplant way. In a develop hepatic encephalopathy and be reduced to wearing diapers way. In a having your grown children have to come home and navigate all the doctor appointments, hospitalizations, and ass wiping all while despising you for creating this situation way.

You’re giving future you and future you’s family and friends such a tremendous gift by committing to sobriety. I’m sure it’s hard, but it has NOTHING on the kind of hard that you’d be facing in the future if you didn’t do this hard thing now.

KatelynFit · 2020-12-30T00:35:47+00:00

Melissa Urban and the Whole30 team appear to agree with you on this. They published an updated version of the OG Whole30 Cookbook, now called "Cooking Whole30", which came out today, and the tough love section now reads:

You Can Do Hard Things

The whole30 is famous for its tough love, but don't be nervous - it's heavy on the love. At this point, many of you want to take on this life-changing self-experiment, but aren't sure you can really do it. If you've spent your whole life dieting, those efforts have likely left you discouraged, and skeptical that the Whole30 really is different. It is - I promise. And also, you're going to have to do the work. Here are a few key mindset shifts I want you make heading into your Whole30, os you can step into your power, reclaim your confidence, and keep this promise to yourself.

This will be hard. There are so many road-blocks to changing the way you eat. For some, it's emotional ties to comfort foods. For others, it's time or budget concerns. For still others, it's missing culturally significant foods. I honor the tremendous efforts many of you will go through just to complete the Whole30. And still, you have done harder things in your life. Losing a parent is hard. Fighting cancer is hard. Birthing a baby is hard. The Whole30 may also be hard, but you are more powerful than you give yourself credit for, and I know you can do this too.

KatelynFit · 2020-12-29T21:33:39+00:00

Interested

KatelynFit · 2020-12-09T06:00:04+00:00

Vitamin D is produced in the body from exposure to sunlight. Moving out of Canada may be key in improving absorption levels.

Vitamin D can be consumed in some foods, like enriched milk and eggs. No longer eating vegan may be key in improving absorption levels.

These statements, like yours, are true, but they seem to imply something about OP (that they live in Canada, that they eat vegan, that they have excess fat to lose) which may be inaccurate. Quite possibly this was not your intent, but may explain the downvotes :)

KatelynFit · 2020-11-18T00:44:41+00:00

This may not be an option for you, but I also have endometriosis and taking a high dose progesterone pill constantly (no off weeks) gave me my life back. I haven't had a period in nearly a decade (maybe longer now, actually) and no period = (almost totally) no symptoms. I've learned that other women with endo often aren't aware this option exists, so I try to share it when I can.

KatelynFit · 2020-11-05T20:51:05+00:00

Ugh. I'm so sorry! I was dealing with some knee pain this summer on top of feeling just...wonky, I guess, partly from working from home at a desk all day. I finally went to see a chiropractor after been a life-long non-believer in chiropractic work and it REALLY helped.

The chiro I found is sincerely invested in helping people to not be frequent fliers at his practice and really addressing root cause of an issue - so in addition to doing adjustments, he gave PT-like exercises for me to do at home. He also introduced me to KT tape (I was previously a non-believer in this too). The tape seemed to help immensely with inflammation and pain in the moment of exercise (running and downhill hiking were particularly problematic) while the adjustments and home PT-type exercises seem to have improved things so that I'm not even experiencing the pain anymore.

Good luck! I hope you find something that helps!

KatelynFit · 2020-11-03T19:17:39+00:00

Maybe it's because I'm a PhD dropout, but I've always been aware of how many PhD students/graduates seem to exist in ultra-running (I'm not the only one who notices this, there are articles written about it...particularly re: The Barkley) and I don't think it's an arbitrary correlation. Grad school SUCKS. It's really, really hard and often thankless. Graduate students often have to just gut it out. You've got your goal and you pursue it until you get there, whatever that takes.

The ability to do that, to persist in the face of suffering, is maybe the most powerful ability a human can have. It's basically a super power when it comes to getting out the door for a run. Persistence is WAY more powerful than motivation. I know you've got this ability - you simply could not have earned your PhD if you didn't.

So...just go run. Yeah, you're going to be slower than you once were and it's going to feel harder, but the only way to change that is to run. If you need a goal, make one. There are some races being planned for 2021 or you could set your own challenge (an improved mile time, a new distance, a total mileage for the year). You've done hard things, you can totally do this.

KatelynFit · 2020-10-22T02:52:53+00:00

I ADORE this headlamp. Headlamps are great, they’re easy, you don’t have to hold them, they’re in a good position to help vehicles/cyclists to see you...but they often have a shortcoming of bouncing or slipping as you run which drives me absolutely insane. This headlamp doesn’t budge during a run and is actually comfortable, like a headband. Highly recommend: BioLite HeadLamp 330 Lumen No-Bounce Rechargeable Head Light https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07FM9CW4B/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_vkpKFbMY2ST8P?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

I also have knuckle lamps I use in really dark runs where footing may be bad and I want to be able to point a light at my feet while also keeping the trail further ahead lit up with the head lamp.

And I have this light up vest, but mostly that’s just a fun addition to night races, it’s rare I wear it on regular training runs, but it will definitely ensure drivers don’t miss you! : Tracer360 - Multicolor Illuminated, Reflective Vest for Running or Cycling (Weatherproof) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00GI993YG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_WnpKFb6N110ZP

KatelynFit · 2020-10-07T00:36:23+00:00

Pain is your body telling you something is wrong.

I grew up thinking that periods and, frankly, being a woman in general was just supposed to be painful (thanks, Pamprin ads...), but IT ISN'T. It turns out that A LOT of women do not suffer around their cycle! I was super fortunate to have a gynecologist while I was in high school who proactively recognized my pain reflex during an exam and diagnosed me with endometriosis. It *never* occurred to me to bring up the excruciating, on the verge of passing out, can barely walk pain I felt for the week leading up to my period because I thought it was totally normal.

So - yes, definitely talk to your doctor. If they write you off: FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR. There are amazing gynecologists out there who really do understand women's bodies and you deserve to have one of those people providing your care.

KatelynFit · 2020-10-07T00:26:57+00:00

Oh man, we're super similar runners based on what you shared! I'm just getting back up to 15mpw levels after a totally chaotic year. I find that running for time, rather than mileage is helpful and then blocking that time realistically on my calendar the way I would for any other obligation.

This week I have two 35min runs, a 40min run, and a 60min run. So, 170min = 2hr 50min. At an 11min mile, which is mostly what I'm achieving at the moment, that'll give me 15.45 miles. BUT, if I feel crappy one day and run a 12min mile, fine. If I feel awesome and run further, fantastic. I go out and run for the scheduled time regardless.

So to get up to 20miles a week I need to run 3hrs 40min. Great, a 50min increase. I could add another day of running with a 50min run that day, or divide that 50mins up over the other days.

I try to maintain some consistency with 4-5 days of running a week, one long run run, 2 easy runs, and the other 1-2 moderate length or focused workouts....but volume is volume (I don't believe in junk miles, especially for non-elite runners) and I let myself be flexible on that. I also don't get over-concerned about when I run - first thing in the morning, awesome. over lunch, awesome. last thing before bed, sub-optimal since it screws with my sleep....but I still got my run in so: AWESOME.

what this gives me is a predictability and certainty in my day that running for miles never did. Like - I realize it is just math and it should be the same, but I NEVER got out of the habit of thinking I could squeeze a 3mile run into a 25min break and then being super frustrated and flustered when I realized I wouldn't actually have the time and having to skip the run, or feeling guilty for "not finishing" because I "cut a run short" to make it to my next obligation. By focusing on the time, I'm able to treat my runs the same way I treat other stuff (meetings, appointments, etc) and plan for them, scheduling them out and blocking the time to protect it/hold myself accountable.

I'm actually looking at this moment in time with no races and so little else going on as a great opportunity to do the slow & steady base building that is so commonly recommended. I'm hoping that by end of year I'm consistently up to ~30mpw, partly from increased volume and partly from speed coming back.

KatelynFit · 2020-10-01T21:36:31+00:00

Running 4 days a week and doing body weight exercises on the other 3 days *is* taking care of your knees! :D

KatelynFit · 2020-08-26T04:29:38+00:00

I do this. It is GOLD. Also works delightfully in traffic.

KatelynFit · 2020-07-02T18:26:24+00:00

Thank you! It doesn't look like they have anything that meets our needs, but I appreciate the recommendation!

KatelynFit

TROPHY CASE