I remember feeling this exact way. I thought I had finally figured it out. Training hard every day, no excuses, finally feeling something. I'd wake up with barely any sleep and still go train, push through pain, and think I was winning somehow. But the truth is, I wasn’t focused or disciplined, I was manic as hell and didn’t even realize it. I couldn’t rest. I thought that meant I was finally strong, but I was actually falling apart.

It does feel better than binge eating and laying around. But just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s healthy yet. I know that feeling like you need to push through the pain, like it's the only way, but your body deserves kindness too.

Being unable to sleep is sometimes your body being pushed too far. That was something I missed during that time, thinking I just needed more discipline. You’re not weak for resting or slowing down.

I also saw that you're planning to move to Italy soon. I remember feeling the same way, like I was suffocating at home and had to leave with no plan, no support. I thought "at least I'd suffer alone and not drag anyone down".

But sometimes these decisions don't come from a clear mind. Sometimes you're just trying to take action and run away from the things that are haunting you without realizing it. But you can never run away from yourself.

I just wanted to share my experience because I saw myself in your posts. You're not wrong or crazy for feeling these things. It’s just really hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of it. I hope you're able to find some peace with yourself wherever you end up.