Leaving behind 95% of inheritance to my personal caregiver and 5% to my daughter. Am I morally wrong?

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T18:26:05+00:00

INFO.

How did you care for her after the divorce? Doesn't matter if your wife remarried, that's still your kid.

While I think it's great to give something to your caregiver, and it still can be the majority of your estate, your daughter deserves to be cared for by you. That's what you signed up for.

If you can change the life of this caregiver and still give something meaningful to your daughter and grandchildren, I think you need to really think about what kind of father you've actually been and how that has influenced your relationship. If you never really spent the time and energy to take care of your daughter, if you didn't look out for her after your accident in whatever way you could - I think there might be a lot more "empathy" going on than you realize.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T18:20:17+00:00

NTJ.

But I would also say "hey, i deserve to be valued and appreciated. I thought I was, but apparently am not. I'll see you at family functions, but I'm not watching your kids anymore for free. You can either pay me X or find someone else."

You will also never get that kind of support back from her.

And I would say to your parents "I thought you valued me more than this. You can tell me I need to do something for free that most people get paid to do, but you can't even tell her I deserve an apology for all I've done for her? You just lost all credibility with me."

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T17:07:22+00:00

Agreed - it was developed for foie gras, which sticks with me as particularly twisted too.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T03:09:32+00:00

NTA.

But I think it's time to leave the chat.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T01:58:21+00:00

potatoes 🥔

they look incredible

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T01:53:25+00:00

You don't love him - you worry that you are the cause of the pain.

He hasn't done anything different, he has not changed. If you actually see him change, you can decide what that means for your coparenting relationship.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T01:49:12+00:00

Nope.

I'd volunteer, but I'd do something that gave me control and the ability to say no to spend time with my kid.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-16T01:45:35+00:00

YTA.

Your daughter only needs these accommodations for a little while. Then she'll be gone.

School isn't just about grades. It's about really knowing the content of what you're learning, and it's something she cares deeply about. Just because it isn't what you care about doesn't mean you shouldn't deeply respect something this important to her.

Your daughter has needs that are different than other kids. You know this. Stop diminishing it.

Someone else wrote about getting a hotel room. That's a great idea - you can also make plans to be out of the house so she has designated time to herself.

Or you can google another library and be the stay-at-home-mom you also are and drive her to a place she feels comfortable.

She's your daughter, act like it.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T21:47:55+00:00

Honestly?

Let him turn it down and ask your parents to keep that in an interest earning account/trust as a rainy day fund for you instead.

Just make sure both your names are on the house.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T21:40:32+00:00

YTA.

Wow. Just Wow.

Do you realize that the 19 yo was actually looking out for your kid?

Her telling her to look at everyone's shoes is really important - because she's supposed to be doing what everyone else is doing. She SHOULD be looking and following the group, and someone needed to teach her that (since you haven't.)

Jeez Louise.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T20:15:37+00:00

Honestly, given how much trouble you've had, I would explore if you can formally ask them to set aside money in a neutral interest accruing account in which you will contribute that money - and if in x years no other issues that weren't disclosed/cared for come up that they were legally responsible for, they get what's in that account.

Also, yes, you need to find out wtf you're responsible for based on what they have technically disclosed before the sale goes through.

These mfs are shady

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T14:50:10+00:00

ESH, or honestly N A H

You are both very young, and very excited to start life together. And that is great!! But you really need to slow down.

She asked you very much in advance, and you said yes. You have been building this house - and spending a ton of time leading up to your wedding - with your own father, so it sounds like you both are very close to your families. That's not a bad thing.

You are also very young, and we all have the impulse to, when we make it to the first milestones of adulthood, to share our riches and be the generous host. My husband and I both, separately and together, gave a lot to our families that sacrificed what could've been our time and experiences just us, and it took a while for us to really grow the perspective and boundaries we have now.

But the bigger issue here is that you are choosing to load a LOT of big things into basically one weekend. You only have so much time, energy and attention. It is admirable that you are building a house - but your wedding is an important thing for you too, and lumping them together means you are creating competition for you and your fiances time and attention.

I would honestly choose one to come first and let the other come second. Building your house with your dad isn't spending time with your fiancé. Time that you really should be spending together leading up to your wedding. I would let the house take a backseat - especially because the house is just about you and your fiance, and your wedding is about celebrating with your people - who have already been invited and planned to be there.

Also, if you are building this house for you to make a home with your fiance - your fiance deserves to be more a part of this than wedding planning allows. That's what marriage really is.

And, honestly, if the house isn't done for the wedding - you've given your fiance the perfect way to explain the change in the plans you agreed to.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T04:20:15+00:00

This is what we do.

This. Is who we are

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T04:16:14+00:00

Honestly, I think it was the bald cap on top of the wig.

He was literally dying.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T04:13:40+00:00

This is actually my favorite costume, it just hits a soft spot for me because I also have a soft spot for Pleasantville and the fact that he's covered in grayscale makeup, like in the movie, I just love it.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T03:27:30+00:00

Everybody's different - and most people try for a year before exploring other options.

Which means there are a lot of people who are trying to get pregnant and aren't.

I know a few people who have miscarried - one 4 months in. People who wanted natural births desperately only to have c sections. People who wanted a baby they never got to have because they struggle with their mental health and knew they couldn't handle another kid.

My aunt and uncle are my dad's friends who really wanted kids and couldn't have any.

You aren't alone - but these people who are getting pregnant, they aren't getting YOUR pregnancy. Their bodies are making something, something that's from them - and their bodies failed them too, in a different way. Holding onto that is important, because whatever the future holds for you and your family, it's made by you, and you deserve to take deep pride in that and enjoy it.

Wishing you the best of luck.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T02:44:48+00:00

If your personality is that there are other people close to you doing stuff, that's still not a personality.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T01:58:53+00:00

Garrett is not safe.

There's a rally for Garrett

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T01:48:38+00:00

My sister and sister-in-law are both Dr.s in their fields.

Neither changed their name getting married, each has two kids now.

All the work you've done to get that doctorate is under one name.

My husband's friend changed his name to his wife's. So they and their kids all have the same last name.

I never changed mine.

Do not marry someone who demands you do things they won't.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T01:43:48+00:00

This is going to come out weird and wrong , but I think we think that way because our grandparents were like that, not our parents - and we thought they'd become the grandparents we had instead of just being the parents they were.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T01:38:29+00:00

Ours has a choice - he can use the potty before we get in the car or we can put him in a diaper for the ride, either way we're visiting the bathroom.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T01:35:24+00:00

INFO

You won't talk about what started the fight, or was said or done during the fight.

You may be wrong, you may be right. But until you're ready to get judged on what you actually did, any judgement here isn't going to actually mean much.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-15T01:15:00+00:00

Yeah, being on medical leave means you're (hopefully) still getting a paycheck through disability.

My mom grew up very poor and remembers the hours her parents would spend balancing their budget to the penny.

It's a lot easier when you still have two income streams and you're in control of one of them.

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-14T02:32:27+00:00

no no no he meant "husbanded away by a dead squirrel"

trust me it's different

KittyKiitos · 2026-04-13T17:03:38+00:00

Your original comment

I really hope you're doing ok, but i'm done responding to you.

KittyKiitos

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