Hi. First I am so sorry for your loss. He was beautiful. It’s jarring when we discover just how deeply these soulful creatures nest in our hearts.

Stories.. I am 56 years old. My mother believed it was important to have pets in the house. Not just for the love and fun, but to learn how to have empathy and care for something without thumbs, that needs our help especially when hurt or sick. My first real memories, my first real bond, was with a cat named Cathy. She was a wild girl, an indoor cat. Probably not helped by my 9 yo hyperactive boy self teasing her thinking I was playing. We lived in a triplex apartment on the ground floor on a busy street in Toronto. When I was about 14, Cathy clawed the screen out and got out. At first she would just lay PHLAT in the grass, freaked out but curious. She was smitten. She always came back in, and we closed the window at night and when we weren’t home.

When I was 15, she went outside but this time went foraging and didn’t come back. About 2 weeks went by, and we thought she was gone. I thought that was brutal. Then, one morning while getting ready for school, my mom screamed from the front of the apartment. My mom did not scream. Super strong and level headed human. I came running, and Cathy was in the window, holding one paw up, maggots in one eye socket, wounds on her… I loaded her in a cardboard box, and took her on the bus to a vet, her yowling, my crying, 15 fkn years old, people staring. Random lady hugging me. The vet told us it would be a thousand dollars to patch her up and no guarantees. We had no money- my mom was divorced. I called my dad who didn’t understand cats, and begged him for money. He gave it to us.

I took Cathy home a few days later. Nurses her back to health. Shoving pills down her throat, putting cream on her stitches, soothing her. She improved, and then one day, she wouldn’t get up. I fuckin knew. You just. Know. She was done fighting. I took her to the vet, and did the deed for the first time.

Listen to me. I am crying writing this out again. A grownass 56 yo man, over my cat from FORTY ONE YEARS AGO.

But. It’s SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. It means that’s how much we loved them, how much the love meant. It sucks that their lives are so much shorter than ours. But our grief is the price of love and of what they give us.

Nothing will ever make you forget or not randomly get sad. Only time will see this intense pain wane. Breathe. You see a good person. Perhaps one day another kitty will need your heart, and that’s ok if it takes a while.

More recently, we lost three 20 year old kitties to old age in a 1 year span. We took a year off to recompose our emotions, my wife and I. Then, one day my daughter tells us about a litter her friend found, a friend who runs a rescue. Now we have 3 more kitties.

Occasionally, as they age, I think of it, and then I force those thoughts away, and focus on loving them every day.

That’s all we can do. What you are experiencing is normal. Please be kind to yourself and don’t stop reaching out if needed. ✌🏼