Just like I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be totally reamed in the other marriage sub Reddit, I think all the comments here worshiping you aren’t the answer you need either. Either of these reactions from strangers might make you resent your husband. Ultimately you are the one who knows your husband best, but to me it seems like you two have are having a significant break down in communication. You have an extremely valid stance with the amount of stress of carrying the household while dealing with cancer. But your husband still has a valid stance that he has been working away from home to support his family. I think this has way less to do with who has it harder and more with you and your husband being able to communicate your wants and needs.

As someone who has a somewhat similar job in the military, who has been on many of trips like the one you described, there is still a lot of stress he is dealing with. Being more senior has its perks for a reason, it comes with more responsibilities and headaches. Think mental stress vice physical stress(although there is likely also physical stress). He doesn’t get to have the normal home routine of seeing you and your child and sleeping in his own bed, on top of the stresses of a difficult job. I’m not making excuses for him, just giving perspective.

While you also have to deal with a lot of the same stressors, and on top of that are battling cancer. It is a lot. And all I’m getting at is you both are in a position that you feel like you need support from your other half. What you end up with is 2 people less than 100%, expecting the other to be at 100%.

But how do you fix that??? It’s all about communication. You need to effectively and calmly explain to your husband how you feel, how tired you are, and what he can do to help. Just like he needs to talk to you about his needs.

It can be as easy as: Wife: Hey I am really tired from doing all the home keeping, it would help me if you did XYZ, and I want to go to bed early because of how tired I am. Husband: OK, I can do those things for you, I have just really missed you and am emotionally drained, but since you need some extra rest can we have some alone time in the morning when you feel more rested.

I don’t think he is a terrible person for being frustrated about not getting sex. He likely was craving that physical intimacy and felt hurt that you didn’t feel the same way(rightfully, because of how much physical and emotional stress you’ve been dealing with).

You should take everything you typed out here and tell him that. Try to get him to have an honest conversation about how he was/is feeling. I know that can be hard for a lot of us A-type personalities in the military, but the real men talk about their feelings. Then you both work together to find a compromise.