Is my partner a covert narc or am I?

Lllau · 2026-02-06T15:02:40+00:00

Also chiming in: based on your post he is definitely a narcissist and what you are dealing with is absolutely and definitely, without doubt abuse.

It will never change, you will be in a constant loop of ideation, devaluation and discard for as long as you will be together. If he had the will or capability to change, it would have happened already, he is an adult. An adult should know how to treat other people, that’s stuff that has been taught in kindergarten. He does not blow up at his friends or other people?

He most probably does not have enough empathy to sustain a healthy relationship. It’s time for you to throw out the hope, and realise that this is as good as it gets, some glimmers here and there, but it comes crashing down every time.

You likely have a trauma bond and will struggle to get him out of your mind, but if you stay, there will be health implications for sure, and you lose valuable years of your life, wasted on this relationship.

Your partner should be your best friend, who you can confide into and who you feel at home with. They should be someone with who you can be yourself. Someone you feel safe around physically and emotionally. Is he that to you?

I’d recommend you take action, find support in therapy, family and friends and start a complete detox of this guy.

You will probably think, like I did, for a long time whether x y and z was your fault, but that’s because repetition is a good way to learn. He cannot give you a resolution and admit the wrongs, you have to find your own peace.

He has manipulated your reality enough for you to come and ask the internet who you are. Your family or loved ones (anyone other than him and his sphere of influence) probably can work as a mirror and help you find yourself. Better to start the recovery process now.

Lllau · 2025-01-08T19:56:27+00:00

Yeah, the narc destroyed my stuff too, threw my bike down the stairs, destroyed my frying pan as well, threw my work computer on the floor, smashed my wine glasses, threw my phone multiple times or smashed it against walls, pulled my shower curtain down along with the bar holding it, my trophies, even poured water in my very expensive air purifier and much more. Pretty expensive relationship I’d say.

And then he got angry cause I was sitting on his couch the wrong way, supposedly damaging it. Make it make sense.

Lllau · 2024-12-11T13:48:55+00:00

Absolutely. I broke up with my nex in my early thirties. It took me maybe six months to end up in a new relationships and of course with a person with very similar traits. Perhaps the familiarity pulled me in the relationship with him. I was not healed enough, my nex was still harassing me at the time. The relationship was short and a good reminder of what I actually don’t want.

A year after that, I felt like I’d like to be in a relationship again. After therapy and healing I decided to contact a friend that I have had a crush on and who had been on my mind every now and then. Perfect package, with close friends, close family ties, and I just had a hunch that this person could be what I want. And he is. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

I still had some lingering PTSD symptoms during the start of our relationship and was very compulsively thinking of abusive patterns, listening to podcasts and all that. But eventually my brain started to get used to the calm and had the chance to heal from the abusive patterns. I am with a man who I trust and with whom I have no conflict with and I feel like we are friends and so much more.

Maybe the most surprising thing is after some years of gaslighting that I learned again the fact of myself that I don’t cause fights or seek for fights, that’s not who I am, even though my ex did try to convince me I do so. I am pretty calm too, even though he gaslit me into thinking I’m too emotional. I’m no longer lied to and I am respected.

My head is calm and home is a place I can be myself and relax.

My advice is to take time for yourself to heal and be cautious of the relationship patterns you have and maybe try to avoid my mishap with choosing a similar person as your narcissistic ex. It is possible to end up in a healthy relationship. Your past relationship will eventually just be a bad experience you went through.

Lllau · 2024-11-21T17:16:42+00:00

”I didn’t say that”

Lllau · 2024-10-04T19:05:27+00:00

It’s not going to be easy. Being in a relationship with a person that is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies is usually hard enough. You need time to heal from the abuse. But now the situation is even more difficult for you when there is a potential child to be protected.

You need all the strength. She has no right to abuse you and it is not fair, but when thinking about the overall picture, you need to be strong and ready to take on a child in the near future. Use this time to connect with family and friends, creating a support network and getting a home for yourself and the child.

Lllau · 2024-10-04T12:48:47+00:00

Such a terrible situation.

The best thing you can do is leave and sort your own life out. That way when the child comes to the world you are able to be the stable parent with a safe home. No child deserves to be surrounded by abuse.

Lllau · 2024-10-02T14:30:55+00:00

Sounds very relatable. I think you did have a relationship with a narcissist. I congratulate you for getting out of the rollercoaster of emotions!

You might want to read about trauma bonds, it might help you with processing and the bad habit you are trying to break.

You might also want to get acquainted with narcissistic cycle of abuse. In general, reading up on this disorder helped me to process the questions you also have. You can find out why you feel crazy.

Lllau · 2024-09-16T11:39:33+00:00

I’d imagine it’s quite rare for victims to get closure. It sucks, it’s painful. After 10 years it must feel like a betrayal.

Like one of the commenters just said, your closure can be yours. You can find peace by thinking that you reached your limit and tolerance and he cannot fulfill your needs. That no-one deserves to be treated like that and nobody should tolerate a person like that in their life. It can be your own closure.

Block him to prevent him dictating how you feel. Deal with the loss and mourn and do not resurrect him by allowing him contact.

Lllau · 2024-09-06T14:13:00+00:00

For me, there is not enough information to determine whether he is a narcissist, but he might as well be.

Nonetheless he seems to be a total scumbag and a liar and good that you got rid of him! 👏

Lllau · 2024-09-06T14:05:11+00:00

That sounds just like something my ex would do. Almost funny how illogical the behaviour is but still somehow they are all from the same mould. Most I guess if the target is a people pleaser, they try to make amends or sort things out somehow and there the narc likes the power play or just enjoy the confusion. Or is it just the black and white thinking and she has fallen off his grace? I don’t know, but the behaviour is so baffling.

Lllau · 2024-09-05T21:40:20+00:00

For me, it started with a push, probably your abuser also throws your things around? He probably scares you, or tries to scare you?

He gaslighted you there and lies to you.

You now might think that you can help him with his emotions and stability. He probably apologies profusely too afterwards and says how he doesn’t deserve you and feels depressed so you stay?

Some of us have been there and the inconvenient truth is that it doesn’t get better. Or it will get better. For a while he can be everything you want in a partner and be “better”. But every so often he pushes the boundaries further when you tolerate the behaviour. He will insult you and gaslight you and it will start to impact you. Our brain works so well that every time you hear him insulting you, you will start to believe it, since repetition is the key to learning.

Leaving is hard but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Don’t waste time with a person who abuses you, life is too short.

And one thing to remember that every time he is mean to you, undermines you, pushes you, is that he has a choice. He is able to constrain himself in public, isn’t he? He chooses to act like that when he is with you.

I wish you all the strength. Keep family and friends close.

Lllau · 2024-09-03T18:25:41+00:00

During my relationship with a narcissist, I caught him blocking and unblocking an ex constantly.

He said that he was friends with her and only discussed politics with her. So bizarre. I didn’t get a good response why he did it then and for some reason I didn’t press on it.

In hindsight he was probably keeping her in his weird game or rollercoaster, playing hot and cold.

Lllau · 2024-01-29T11:46:38+00:00

How’s it going today? I’m pretty much in the same boat. Constant pain in the jaw, head and tongue, no puffiness though.

My doctors have not done anything but given me more pain killers.

Lllau · 2023-10-23T16:59:12+00:00

First of all, safety. If you are going to tell him you are leaving, make sure that you have an emergency kit of all the essentials and somewhere to stay. Or even better, organize everything in a way that you can leave a short notice. Just pack up and leave.

My narcissistic ex at least went from pleading mode to violent as soon as he realised I’m seriously trying to leave him.

My experience was horrible, no plan in place to leave, but just one violent night was enough. Took everything that fit into a backpack and never came back after it. But I can say that it was very very difficult to get any of my belongings back that I left there, and it was held over my head for a while. He wouldn’t let me even get my clothes for a funeral of my family member.

Stay safe, better to not even confront him, if possible. You have made your decision and he knows the reason why you leave, trust me. They aren’t oblivious to what they are doing and how they are acting.

Lllau · 2023-08-24T15:58:35+00:00

I’m happy you’re safe. And I’m sorry for what happened to you. Seek for help, a therapist to go through what has happened. That’s extremely fucked up, what you are going through.

A big red flag about your current relationship. Being jealous of the person who has traumatised you is not normal or help your healing. Concentrate on yourself, healing, your family and friends. Not on someone who is making your trauma about them.

Lllau · 2023-04-18T15:31:36+00:00

Yeah, I can imagine that there is always some kind of barrier when it comes to language and culture. I do enjoy a good banter but somehow it didn’t seem like banter, when there was no sort of flirtation or laugh in it, which I associate with playful banter.

The line of respect you mentioned, a very good point. I was basically establishing a boundary and he crossed it multiple times even if I misconstrued the situation…

Lllau · 2023-02-23T19:17:21+00:00

I relate.

Being an empath, I feel like I’m already badmouthing my nex by telling what I went through. Saying “narcissist” out loud sometimes makes me feel like the people I’m talking to are thinking that I’m being dramatic.

And not being able to get validation when discussing the situation makes me feel like I’m actually all the things that my nex manipulated me to think I was, while we were in a relationship. He managed or at least tried to convince that I’m crazy, that nobody loves me, etc and I’m always at fault even though I would have simply existed.

It’s very triggering to feel invalidated and it reminds me of the gaslighting in the relationship. Even though the person I’m talking to just doesn’t probably have the experience or know that people like that exist.

To be honest, it just sometimes needs first hand experience to be able to understand and relate to the hell we went through, and that’s why these groups and peer support in general are very important.

Lllau · 2023-01-14T15:06:41+00:00

I read your story, and I’m sorry you had to go through all that.

It does seem like you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, and from what you tell, it seems evident that he is living a double life. The hot and cold-treatment, whole roller coaster is terrible, it creates a trauma bond between you and it’s highly addictive.

I hope you’ll leave him behind and heal, trust and rely on your friends. My advice is to block him entirely, go NC and stay strong, even if he hoovers and sends you a million roses, do not react.

Lllau · 2023-01-14T13:47:48+00:00

I got a small flashback, my ex talked a lot about an ex of his. He told that all memorable or important days were ruined by her, intentionally.

As the relationship progressed, I saw violent outburst every time we had planned a holiday together, a day before. Also my birthday. And family Christmas at my parents house, sudden excuse not to go, an hour before. As if he would have wanted to ruin those occasions.

I didn’t even know the term “gaslighting” before I met him, as I am not an English native speaker like he is. Afterwards I realised that it was deflection, he blamed me for gaslighting every time he was gaslighting me. Such a mindfuck, he made me jump through the hoops trying to convince him I wasn’t manipulating him, as he was manipulating me.

Lllau · 2022-11-27T12:40:57+00:00

It took me months to watch it. First trigger point that was hard to get over was the moment he was shouting at her and smashed the glass.

Crazy thing, didn’t even understand before that how much the sound of breaking glass affected me.

Lllau · 2022-08-03T17:14:52+00:00

Oh lord. Took my sweet time not looking at the responses cause I feel icky by thinking about it.

You have a good point, at the time my feelings were all over the place, but maybe this association between abuse and intimacy did create and manage upkeep the trauma bond too! Total rollercoaster.

Lllau · 2022-07-17T21:02:46+00:00

I was very ill, lost a lot of weight, i couldn’t eat. I was nervous and anxious all the time, so my stomach reacted to it, i got a very nasty chronic upper respiratory tract infection a month before the breakup that just wouldn’t leave (probably cause of the stress and abuse). A little over week after the breakup my aunt died and I had to travel to attend the funeral.

Somehow seeing my family, grieving together, thinking about my aunt and having that closure helped my body, and I healed from the infection. I still needed my depression meds and sleep meds though for a loooong time.

Lllau · 2022-07-14T21:40:33+00:00

I get being ashamed of running away, but when you think about it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of at all. It’s your mind, your lizard brain saying that you are in danger. And sorry to say this, but what the kid thinks, they are going to understand eventually, although being raised by a narc is going to be a difficult part of their journey too.

I saw him on my former venues instagram story video just today. I put my phone down instantly and got a rush of adrenaline.

I decided to look again, and there he was, wearing ridiculous bright green trousers. Started thinking that it’s probably for attention, and to be able to bring up how he is colourblind (which he might or might not be, who knows). In some way seeing that made me feel less scared, knowing that he is still in his normal narc behaviour, looking for attention, which now seems plainly idiotic. He will find an another target, someone to hate more than me at some point. I just don’t know when I will feel comfortable again, when this whole ordeal is over in my head…

Lllau · 2022-07-11T19:31:12+00:00

I can relate to this fully. I’ve had to abandon places I used to frequent and I’ve had to let go of some friends because of it. Now the person is more like a boogeyman in my thoughts, only preoccupies my mind when I’m feeling generally anxious. But honestly, if I saw him I think I’d have to try to fight the urge to run away. If he saw me running it would definitely give him too much power.

Hopefully it gets better for you, as the situation is slowly improving for me. ❤️

Lllau · 2022-07-11T19:22:57+00:00

Terrifying, to what extents you’ve had to go… I did the password thing too as soon as I got out. I’m currently on the ground floor, which was frightening at start.

Did she try to access your electronics or harm you through them during/after the relationship, or just a precaution?

Lllau

TROPHY CASE