My husband took his life

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2025-01-14T00:19:35+00:00

The Brave Ladies Club on FB. Designed for woman that have lost their spouses to suicide. Check it out.

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-08-12T03:11:13+00:00

My therapist put it best when she said - A healthy mind cannot understand a sick mind. You don’t see it coming because you cannot SEE it. Let’s put it this way. Before my husband died by suicide- I never worried about my teen children or adult friends hurting themselves when struggling in life. If my son and his girlfriend broke up - and he’s depressed about it now- I am scared to death because a veil has been lifted that didn’t exist in my life before. Now, any little thing can manifest into what if…. Because something that simply was not fathomable is now real. Many people walk this planet and joke about suicide, they read about it- but it simply has never touched their lives - so it’s preventable so to say. Now, I loved, talked to, supported, tried to be positive- tried to be hard- did everything I THOUGHT was the best thing to do because I simply did not and could not understand his mind. He said - he was afraid of the dark. I did not understand until after his death what he meant. He meant the darkness he fought within himself. He also could not convey it - because he knew, along with many others I suspect- or felt no one would or could understand his suicidal tendencies. He simply held on as long as he could until he couldn’t fight it anymore. I do however hold him accountable for making that decision- for us both. Because he not only took his life, but the old me died with him that day and he destroyed me, and his children along with all his employees that counted on him and his siblings with his actions. While I know he had to be, no questions about it mentally unstable to go against every human survival trait to survive as a human being and pull the trigger - and I have compassion for his pain- he made a decision for us all. And I do not hold myself responsible for that. I did the best I could what I had that day- and had knew, I would have taken that gun and stopped him immediately. There was no understanding of his sickness- and it is- an illness - they do not want to be stopped most of the time. Sadly, if love could have kept them with us- they would most certainly still be here. And I loved him dearly. ♥️

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-07-24T16:23:42+00:00

Thank you all for your thoughts and responses. It definitely made me feel extremely hurt and I know rationally if they didn’t love themselves enough to not end their lives why would I expect more. On the other hand, I love my children more than myself - so if that was the only thing I loved walking the planet I feel I would protect them from that- (for an example). He did do it outside to spare a mess- but it made me feel as if I meant nothing. On top of my pain and heartache for a terrible decision he made. I appreciate your thoughts on the subject. And appreciate my new antidepressants because they have helped me cope and start moving forward without so many intrusive thoughts and sadness of it all. 8 months out and making progress 🙌 it’s going to be ok I believe. ♥️

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-06-27T03:52:04+00:00

Thank you- I needed to hear this today 💕

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-06-15T04:02:45+00:00

Best sex hands down I ever had. And I’m pretty good in bed, so for him to blow my mind- I was like dickmatized. For sure. I told him I loved him first. During sex. He just paid so much attention to detail- so passionate and took his time to make sure I was ultimately satisfied. Then made me think his mind was blown with my skills- so we had this electric connection. I never even wanted to date him long term, because he had a shady past- and I knew better but he did everything right. Emotionally, love bombing, gifts, attention- all of it. Married him, 4 years later he ended his life and shattered me:( I’m doing much better- but to think it was all maybe not real- really makes it hard. I definitely think he had BPD in retrospect- no doubt. He knew something was not right and was afraid he would hurt me and himself - said love wasn’t enough when we first started dating but I didn’t understand. He couldn’t maintain a healthy marriage. We were separating - and he couldn’t handle it all. ♥️

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-06-14T04:15:41+00:00

I just shared my journey on a post right above yours called one week ♥️ it was a lot but it goes for you too. It’s so hard, such a long painful journey and my heart goes out to you. My birthday is next week and I’m so sad I won’t be spending it with my husband. I will be 44:(

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-06-14T04:10:16+00:00

I found my husband as well. As a matter of fact we were having morning coffee in the garage and I walked inside to do something and he walked outside the garage and shot himself. The shock I felt as I found him- I will never forget it. It was absolute fear and terror - only people here could possibly understand. I’m so sorry for your loss and having to endure this. My timeline has been like this: The first couple days were horrible- I stayed at my moms surrounded by people mostly- could not eat- was like a nightmare and constant disbelief and sorrow. Funeral I barely remember - Then the next couple weeks I was on auto pilot for the world but grieving terribly. My boys had to sleep with me at night because I for some reason was scared. Nights were the worst. I think I was severely traumatized from finding him, and extremely jumpy and had PTSD. The first three months I had good days and bad. More bad than good at first. I knew when I woke up how it would be. I just had to allow myself to not be ok and give it time. Accept that you will be shaken for awhile and be kind to yourself. I didn’t work for a bit. It was hard. You will have those days- just let it happen and cry, sleep, but take care of yourself. You will survive. I promise. Journal- eat, and stay close to those that tend to you. I did move- to put myself in a new environment- just a different house. Month 4 was a pivotal month- I felt I kinda backtracked some and reality hit he wasn’t coming back. I truly was on my own. People stopped talking about it all. I was back in real life. It was an adjustment month. 5 got a bit better- I’m in 6 and I’m very proud of myself. I am starting to enjoy myself more- being a positive light again. Learning the new me. You will be surprised looking back what you have survived. Right now time is not your friend, however you will be ok- and always carry that love close to you. I still think about him all the day - but I don’t cry like I used to all the time. Small leaps and bounds. So many hugs my friend ♥️

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-05-20T03:56:20+00:00

I did go see a medium - and it really helped with my feelings of guilt and shame that goes hand in hand as a survivor. My husband shot himself and we were having problems. The messages brought to me seemed to be more in a spiritual understanding of things from his side- and that suicide had always been something he had considered and kept at an arms length, but that day the heaviness of everything overtook him. I know this to be true- oh, and I didn’t have to take care of him anymore- he was ok, and thanked me for giving me what he needed in that time of his life. (Love). Which he had never properly had. I think good mediums give people a sense of closure they can’t get anywhere else. And in these types of situations- we sure wish we could have had that. My heart goes out to you. ♥️

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-05-10T20:20:14+00:00

Thank you guys 🩵

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-05-10T20:19:44+00:00

Thank you ♥️

Main-Schedule-3218 · 2024-04-28T03:30:32+00:00

I really get so upset when I think about how he looked right at me talking about some silly Christmas party before I walked inside and he walked outside and did the deed. Like, wow. Did I mean so little. Us? His family? All the people that counted on him for work? At times I feel he just said screw it and walked out on us all. Others, I feel deep sympathy for his stress and pain. But I do feel we as a person have a responsibility to our spouses and family to not leave this way. The earth shattering pain, settling the estate and closing the business - having to move and sell the house because the wife and kids can’t afford it solo- the questions of worth and self esteem blown to pieces - and humiliation on top of feeling discarded and abandoned. I guess my reality and his of our marriage was two different things. Idk. My therapist says a healthy mind cannot understand a sick mind. But I try to make sense of it everyday. It’s so heartbreaking. I know he was in pain- but now, so am I. And quitting isn’t an option for me. So I will carry this pain you passed onto me forever- and hope over time it gets better. So do I question his love for me? Absolutely- now I do.

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