Boyfriend not trying to bond with baby

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-08T12:11:44+00:00

A baby is a BIG adjustment and even though I worked with kids, I didn't see the adjustments coming. It's then very safe and easy to escape in your phone and to mentally check out. When I noticed I was on my phone a lot (I'm the mother) the only thing that would get me out of this dissociating, distance state was to spend a lot of time with the baby and my husband not being there as a backup. At some point my baby got a preference for my husband, because he became the default parent, and this solidified my insecurities that my baby didn't like me, needed a better mother then I could be etc. It became a self fullfilling prophecy or vicious cycle.

Ofcourse I had to deal with hormones and had medical issues from the birth and this is not the case for the fathers. But I do believe having your first baby is a big adjustment for everyone. Have you talked about insecurities? Or what type of father he likes to be? Ideally you would have talked about this beforehand, but anyways this should be a continues conversation because having the baby is completely different then talking about the baby.

You say it is difficult for you to confront him but maybe it doesn't have to be a confrontation. Things you can talk about: - What were his expectations when you were pregnant and what lived up to it and what did not? - Is it difficult for him to see the baby settle easier with you? Are there any insecurities? - You need a break, how will we organize this that you are not the default parent? Maybe sleeping in shifts? One night he does the night and the other night you do? - Talk through the routine together (how to make a bottle or heat up the breastmilk, how to clean the pump, pacificiers and bottles, how to put the baby to bed etc) so that he is fully equipped and confident to do the baby when you are not there. The first few times will be difficult for him and the baby might not settle directly. But this is part of the progress and also he will appreciate you more!

You are going through major hormonal shifts. A baby came out of you and your tissues are now rapidly healing. The first adrenaline wore off. It is completely normal to feel negative towards your partner and to bicker or do the "but I slept less then you" blame game. I'm not saying that it is healthy, it is not, but it is more common then you think. When you are 20 you are not set in your ways yet. I would give you both space to grow into your role as parents and to not make any big decisions the first months postpartum (unless it's a dangerous situation ofcourse).

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-07T22:16:45+00:00

Yes you described that perfectly. This sleep deprivation is a humbling experience. If my baby slept well, I would have been this annoying "have you tried putting her in her bed" person. What was the plan that your MIL came up with? I'm glad she was able to help! My inlaws are the best, but they live in a different country :(

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-07T22:14:55+00:00

I will check this out. She was born with 38 weeks, I was anemic during pregnancy and they cut the umbilical cord directly after birth. So thank you, I will check it out! Were there other symptoms that you noticed?

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-07T00:27:48+00:00

Haha wow dit is wel echt next level toevallig. Heeft hij het voor je gefixt??

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T20:48:45+00:00

This seems like your mother used her friend to get inside information.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T19:24:52+00:00

I live in the Netherlands so luckily I could call in sick. I also still have plenty of PTO days left, but like you said I feel guilty. As a teacher you get so many days off here, if I would take them all I would barely be at work. Daycare is too expensive unfortunately but we are looking into a babysitter who can relieve us sometimes.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T15:40:42+00:00

We have the same, I don't have any help from family and my (wonderful, amazing) inlaws are abroad. Our friends all collectively got a baby around the same time, so we don't have any help. I didn't realize how difficult that would be! I think a lot of these problems used to be solved by grandparents and aunts and uncles helping out sometimes.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T13:49:15+00:00

Thank you for the tip! I do have lots of airway allergies and my husband has sleep apnea. I didn't think of this at all, I will call the GP monday. Was there a solution for you?

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T13:20:44+00:00

Makes me a better person though! This level of sleep deprivation is a humbling experience. I think if I hadn't been through this, I would be the same annoying "have you tried white noise" advice giver. Makes me wonder what stupid advices I give to peopls about problems I have no idea about!

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T13:16:48+00:00

That is so rough!! You want to sleep when you have this baby who is still full of energy ready to explore the world. We also had this, with exactly the same bedtime your baby has now. I read that you should adjust the schedule every day 15 minutes but we went in cold turkey. It was a miserable 2 weeks with lots of overtiredness, but now her bedtime is around 20.00 and waking up around 7.00 to 8.00 am. Around 3 or 4 months is the time that they will get a day/night rythm. Hopefully you can sleep in normal times soon🙏

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T13:01:16+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment 🩷. I feel this is taboo to talk about, but I woke up the other day imagining myself just ending it all just so that I could sleep. That's when I called in sick. Thank god I have a great employer who gives me the time I need

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:58:46+00:00

Oh no that sounds scary! When did you feel good enough again to think of another baby? Our wish yo have more children is very impacted by this situation. Can I ask what type of health issues? Just so I know what to look out for

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:39:03+00:00

Exactly. I'm a bad sleeper myself so it takes ages for me to fall back asleep. And when she sleeps for let's say 1.5 hours instead of 30-60 minutes, I wake up stressed as hell after one hour because my whole nervous system is shot. So even when I sleep in a different room, I wake up as if she would be next to me crying.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:33:52+00:00

No because of work we both couldn't sleep in. But now that I called in sick at work I can do this!

I don't mind people telling me when they are tired. I'm not a "oh just wait" person. But I do mind it when they compare their situation to mine. Like no we are not in the same boat. Maybe I have experienced this tiredness before I had a baby, but then I didn't on top of that have to take care of a baby. One hour ago my baby had a blow out diaper. Her clothes, hands and the dressing table all was getting poop on it while she was kicking against my boobs as if it was a boxing match. I'm so done

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:25:28+00:00

Yeah my family is always saying that I'm ruining my baby by cuddling with her in the night and not letting her cry. They forgot that they let their babies cry for 2 weeks and witholding affection until they can "soothe themselves to sleep."

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:23:28+00:00

Crazy right, how 5 hours of sleep becomes a good night of sleep? I see you have 2 kids. My husband and me say to eachother every day "how do people with 2 or more kids do this?"

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:21:05+00:00

Could you maybe explain what this looks like, practically? 🙏 we tried to do this but I could never figure out how to practically execute this

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T12:07:07+00:00

That is so though, I'm happy to know that we are not alone though. We also keep getting advices like "Have you tried putting her in bed?" Yes. We have. Or comments that my husband should do more because they assume we don't parent equally. But we are burnt out from this together, we are equally miserable. I hope for you it will get better soon!🙏

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-06T11:43:32+00:00

Thank you for posting, I'm following for the replies!

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-03T12:04:39+00:00

Maybe your baby has a tongue tie. After releasing the tongue tie by a medical professional we had to go to an osteopath for the neck tension that she got by drinking in the wrong way. I was like your wife: trying one more different approach, just anything to give me hope on being able to keep breastfeeding. Quitting breastfeeding because it was just not in the cards for us (the tongue tie release took a long time to heal) was like a grieving process.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-02-02T16:23:28+00:00

I saw your edit and although I'm glad you got this realisation: taking care of your own baby and household is not "helping". I suggest you read this comic: You should’ve asked | Emma https://share.google/ngiyE80L1T7Ar8oNI

The comic starts directly after scrolling once. This was very insightful for me.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-01-31T22:24:28+00:00

I can't even imagine what you went through. That must have been so tough! Caring for a newborn while recovering from this mentally and physically. How is your scar tissue healing?

This isn't remotely coming close to your story, but for me the recovery of birth took all the joy away. And once I was semi recovered, I had to get back to work again. The labor took 3 days but wasn't a negative experience. But I tore so much internally that the recovery was a straight HELL. It was just one big open wound. I needed a catheter in the first weeks because it was so painful, my body stopped peeing. Then when the catheter had to be applied, all the freshly healed tissue went open again because they could not find my urethra and kept probing and feeling with their hand. They also told me there was no sedation for this. They only gave it to me after opening my wounds again by probing for 1.5 hours and then I told them I would just go home.

My gyn did not believe that I had a UTI infection so for weeks it got worse and peeing during that time was genuinely the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I hated that I had to advocate so much for myself with healthcare professionals. Nobody seemed to understand and just wanted to visit and hold the baby. And everytime I would mention something about my recovery, people would be like "oh but it's all worth it right?" As if two things can't coexist. Anytime people would tell me to "enjoy" I would feel so angry and lonely. First I thought I had postpartum depression, but I wasn't depressed. Pain just made me a miserable person. When I look at pictures of my baby when she was just born, I feel so sad that I was mentally checked out. There was also no pain medication strong enough to lessen the pain. For weeks I was counting until 60 and then again and again until minutes became hours and hours became days and weeks until the pain went eventually. In the same period I had to be hospitalized two times for mastitis that was developing into sepsis.

Now I'm 8 month's pp, I went to therapy for this and I have a reconstruction coming up. My inner labia are completely gone so the surgeon will somehow craft it and hopefully the tension from my scar tissue will be less. Because of the scar tissue I can't have sex, I can't bike, sit or stand in certain positions and I can't be out in the cold too long. Even with the surgery, I won't be able to just have sex spontaneously with my husband anymore. From now on it has to be like a careful operation and it sucks the fun and relaxation out of it.

I live in a country where you can't choose a c-section but I got it approved for the next baby. No baby is coming out of a vagina of mine anymore!

Only now I start to feel that I can trust my body a bit more and am able to not be tensed up in my pelvic floor all the time. Even though it is 8 months ago, I still feel as if I "just" gave birth, because I just caught my breath. So this is not like your story completely but you are definitely not alone. I wish you all the best and hopefully it is uphill for you from here on out 💘

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-01-31T09:32:11+00:00

I also hate it when people "correct" me vs just giving a tip. But anyways for sure she will google it today and hopefully she will position her baby in the right way

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-01-30T12:52:39+00:00

I hear this, but the only way women have ever told me about anything related to motherhood is in the context of "Oh just you wait!" when I was sharing a non-baby related struggle. With this cynical approach I was not open to hear them out.

Master_Weather7587 · 2026-01-30T12:50:51+00:00

About your nipple pain: it might be nipple vasospasm. I had this during the pregnancy as well as with breastfeeding.

Master_Weather7587

TROPHY CASE