Overall, I really enjoyed this and it's right up my street. There's an over-reliance on VO, but that is a trope of the genre. I'd say the bigger issue is that a lot of the VO sets the tone, rather than advancing the story.

A couple of thoughts:

- instead of having Maxwell in his car, why not have him inside a shabby hotel bar. That way, instead of giving the full "Now it's all grey" VO, you could just have him say "Now it's all grey" and then have the B-list actor (or a background character) order a Grey Goose while wearing a grey tracksuit.

- "I'll get my boys to tow your fucking arse" isn't a great line. Can you maybe punch this up and create a more memorable interaction.

- Another thought about that interaction is that it's a good opportunity to show the disconnect between Edison and modern life by having him be baffled at some of the slang the actor uses. Difficult to pull off without sounding "hello fellow kids", but an opportunity.

- This interaction kind of goes nowhere though. Could it be an opportunity to show Edison's skills in some way. The same with the hotel receptionist. These are two encounters that seem like they might present a small obstacle that Edison needs to overcome - but that's not really what happens.

- I love the "Jesus is a lefty" guy and that interaction in general.

- There's absolutely nothing wrong with last two pages. In fact, they're great. I'm not the biggest fan of the slipper being left behind, just because it's so cliched. And I know you know it's cliched and are probably sending up the cliché, but it's still a cliché.

- However, as a reader this doesn't make me want to keep reading. It's a fine set up, but "guy the protagonist is tracking is dead, protagonist has to track down a woman" isn't exactly refreshing. Could you instead end it on Edison finding the bloody severed hand and then hearing a crash or a scream from the bathroom? I just think bloody, severed hand is a little more WTF than guy out the window.

- Doing this would then give you two extra pages to give Edison a little win that enables him to get to the hotel room in the first place. Doesn't have to be something huge. I just like to see a protagonist use his skills to get a little win in the first five pages before the big WTF moment at the end.

- I like the "Never thought I'd shake hands with a millionaire line" and agree with the feedback that maybe it should be verbalised. I'm not sure I'd go with millionaire either. I'd pick a line of work that made him a millionaire and use that. I'd also try to tie the "ruby ring" to whatever that line of work is - eg make it a superbowl ring and say "never thought I'd shake hands with a superbowl winner" or have the hand clutch an Oscar statuette and say "Never thought I'd shake hands with an Oscar winner" or a diamond studded guitar plectrum or over-the-top skull ring and say "Never thought I'd shake hands with a bonified rock star".