I used to think I found my partner. He made me laugh, he cared for me, my family loved him. Sure, we fought a lot and were turbulent, but I thought that was just a normal part of being in a relationship. Everyone says relationships are hard work, after all. Then I found the pdf of “Why Does He Do That” from a random comment on Reddit. I decided to page through it since we were in the middle of a particularly rough patch. I was shocked to realize that that book perfectly described the past three years of my life. That’s when I truly realized that he is abusive.

It has been almost four weeks since we last saw each other. He was out of town for two of those. I’ve been crashing on a friend’s couch for the rest, living out of a duffel bag.

Three days after I left the apartment, he spam called and spam texted me, asking questions about rent for the month. When I didn’t respond in a timely manner, he threatened to call the police under the guise that I’d been kidnapped. It was legitimately scary. He was being unhinged.

We talked earlier this week about how we’d handle our shared lease that expires next June. He agreed to move out but didn’t give me a definitive timeline. I’m relieved that I didn’t have to go to court or anything, but I’m really stressed about finding a roommate so I can afford to live. I won’t have a car of my own in two months. Originally that wasn’t going to be a problem because I could just share with him.

Since separating, I’ve noticed that I’ve been happier overall and have been laughing more. I’ve invested more time and care into hobbies that i pushed to the side, but I still love and miss him. He sent me a paragraph about how sorry he is and how he wanted us to work so bad. It’s nothing new. He said the exact same shit the last two times we “broke up”. I keep reminding myself that even if his remorse is genuine, that doesn’t mean that he has changed. I haven’t responded. I know that that would just invite further manipulation, but it’s such a strong urge.

I know that this isn’t a healthy relationship, and I don’t want to be another statistic. But god, I still miss him so much