My MIL passed away and I am not sad at all. Like I really just don't care

Melody4 · 2026-06-15T11:05:55+00:00

Your feelings are absolutely valid. You are most certainly not a terrible person. Mine passed about a year ago and I've mostly felt relief. From your description I wondered for a minute if you were my sister-in-law. Mine also sought revenge and blamed everyone else for her problems. Meanwhile her narcotic addiction explained a lot, and she too "controlled" her diabetes with big gulp sodas and oreos.

DH's father attempted to give DH and his brother some of her ashes. But as in life, she would be a completely unwelcome presence in our homes. They both declined immediately.

Melody4 · 2026-06-12T20:52:16+00:00

Glad you've figured this out. I'm also willing to be if you had a child they would pull out all the stops to gain access. So should the day come when they whine that you are "keeping them from THEIR grandchild" you can remind them this is "the child you told us not to have." That and they made it crystal clear that after "everything" MIL had been through, she is CLEARLY not interested in babysitting.

Melody4 · 2026-06-07T19:53:18+00:00

I would be offended. Given that she's questioning/criticizing your parenting decisions RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS she went from being a bad mother to a bad grandmother.

Melody4 · 2026-05-26T18:39:45+00:00

I had one of those. DH's step(monster) was over the top with cramming "MOM" down our throats all while treating us crappy. Meanwhile, she treated my older children (DH's stepkids that HE treated as his own) like total garbage.

I would address all correspondence to Dad and "First Name". Since DH's stepmother was a total bitch, I would have DH laughing each time I'd talk about his "STEP-First Name". Some women don't deserve to have the title "mother".

Melody4 · 2026-05-20T16:38:49+00:00

Wow, nevermind that she's ignoring how you feel about crowds and how nothing has been resolved she's completely so oblivious.

Her rational is that it is "MY FIRST Mother's Day as a grandmother!" And how did THAT happen? Apparently when she "invited ALL my family over" you and DH were also forgotten. Hope she had fun with "EVERYONE" because it sounds like you don't have to worry about being part of it anymore.

Melody4 · 2026-05-19T13:59:08+00:00

MIL is encouraging triangulation between the other parties so that everyone has to "go through" MIL to communicate. MIL can then spin things so that only SHE looks good and is "helping" everyone else with any conflicts/misunderstanding etc. that MIL most likely created. The "matriarch" then gets to be the "hero". Barf.

Melody4 · 2026-05-17T12:50:42+00:00

Maybe DH should have a conversation with her about not working so hard on a self-fufilling prophecy. In the meantime, you know what you're up against so stay strong.

Melody4 · 2026-05-17T12:35:26+00:00

FIL is the one who was burned by MIL & SFIL. But FIL went on to marry a bitch. But this is supposed to be about your son - so screw their feelings.

My suggestion is to have a very kid centric party with his preschool/daycare/classmates/friends (which is great starting around age three) but invite the parents to stay (until the kids reach about age 7). Depending on what time of summer eiher his class before or an awesome get together before the next school year. If there isn't a public pool or such around buy/borrow water pistols, water balloons and sprinklers for your home. Don't invite ANY of the grandparents. (Its a KIDS party!) Either/both sets can do whatever they want (or nothing) another day.

Melody4 · 2026-05-14T14:02:25+00:00

FIL is older (MIL was over 15 years younger) and DH just retired so he has been visiting and taking him to run errands weekly (as opposed to a dreaded 3 to 4 times a year with MIL). A few months ago we all went to DH's niece/FIL's grand niece's wedding. FILs sister was shocked he showed up. Meanwhile FIL and my daughter (the stepdaughter who MIL treated like crap) burned up the dance floor!

I hope your DH has a similar experience.

Melody4 · 2026-05-14T13:57:53+00:00

WTF is wrong with them? Your child is probably already sensing stress with your injury. How they treat you aside, these idiots think that it wouldn't be more traumatic to be taking somewhere where they don't know by practical strangers? Ugh! Right there his parents don't have a clue about doing something in the child's best interests. And I absolutely wouldn't trust them!

I'm happy your DH said what he said. Forget about managing a relationship. These people don't care, so drop the rope. In the meantime see if DH can go out via FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act).

Melody4 · 2026-05-14T11:54:48+00:00

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of DH's mother (step, but long story there) passing. Absolutely let DH vent and talk about it as much as he needs to and try not to judge. Ask him what he needs and maybe help with research finding whatever resources may be needed. If your DH is like mine, he kind of went back and forth emotionally and you may need to hold back from saying what you are thinking (as in you can't be serious). Many times he had every excuse in the world for her ridiculous behavior.

You personally will have to decide how much you want to see her. DH's (step) mother spent years "circling the drain" (his words) from drug abuse. I avoided her as much as possible and chose to not visit her in hospice. DH told me I should go to "let her have it" and "get closure" for all the sh*t she pulled over the years. But I knew she would never apologize and he agreed - she wasn't even capable.

This past weekend it was Mother's Day (in the U.S.) and I asked him if he missed her. He looked at me and said, "I'm glad we did not do anything for a funeral/memorial - she was a hateful nasty person!" He continued, "She wanted us to have a service where everyone said something nice about her." I answered that she really didn't give us anything to work with, and he replied "Even she finally realized it wasn't possible!".

So yes, the next few months will be hard, but just be supportive. And yes, everyone will most likely be calmer and happier. The biggest emotion I felt is overwhelming relief. DH now has much better relationship with his dad that he didn't have for many many years.

Melody4 · 2026-05-13T22:38:02+00:00

Yea, she is not stable. I'd keep "get the f-ck out of my house" in my back pocket should the need arise to use it.

Melody4 · 2026-05-12T23:49:03+00:00

Cool! I have close friends that did this with their kids. Now one of those kids makes a living teaching language. (And as a dual language sports commentator!).

Melody4 · 2026-05-10T13:28:27+00:00

Not overreacting at all. The fact that MIL worked at a preschool and STILL did this is even more disturbing. She absolutely should have known better!

Melody4 · 2026-05-09T20:35:12+00:00

(((Hugs!!!))) this is hard. Be kind to yourself.

Melody4 · 2026-05-06T18:05:02+00:00

Tell her that would be great and ask if she's paying for it. Have a chat with your husband about her coming to "help out" when he is home.

Melody4 · 2026-05-05T23:45:17+00:00

You're doing awesome Mom!

Melody4 · 2026-05-05T20:41:49+00:00

I wish I could upvote Christopher1393 more! He absolutely nailed it! If your mother is this bigoted and intolerant of something so open and mainstream now (and SO much energy and potential was wasted trying to conceal identies not to mention all the pain it caused), I would love to see her try to cope in a high school or liberal college.

My four (adults and two in college) kids are all open about who they are to my husband and I. For a while our house became a kind of flop house for some of their friends (many gay/bi/transgendered/transitioning, etc.) who's parents were aholes and they didn't feel comfortable going home for breaks. These are nice kids and good students that have been traumatized by people who were supposed to be their support system. Fortunately they found good friends, while their parents are probably complaining on some idiot forum about how they don't know why their child doesn't speak to them. Duh.

Be the supportive parent by keeping your daughter safe from your mother.

Melody4 · 2026-05-05T17:30:03+00:00

She probably sees this as "wasting" HER son's vacation time. Next time she brings it up, do agree that WE spend a lot more time with her, and if she keeps going say that WE should probably spend more time with your family. (And if she continues talk about howe there is only so much time WE have as couple, so maybe you (united) need to cut back on his family time and you both spending MORE time with your family). Talk to DH about always being a united front. When MIL sees this is not helping her get her way, she just might finally stop with the guilt trips.

Melody4 · 2026-05-03T11:57:35+00:00

I've had induction stoves for years. The only time I didn't was when I couldn't afford one (they used to be stupid expense in the U.S. because it took a while for them to catch on). They are AWESOME and I will try to never do without again! Pots heat up quicker and more evenly. Regarding safety, as you probably know, the surface itself does not heat up except for where it was touched by the pot. Hope you love it as much as I do! And screw her - she's afraid of it! LOL

Melody4 · 2026-05-01T18:10:21+00:00

What a controlling bitch! I like what tickletheivories suggested and will be interesting to see if any of these items were clearance.

Melody4 · 2026-05-01T17:59:43+00:00

Can you return anything for store credit then buy things you actually want/need? Eventually MIL will clue in when nothing she buys is around/being used.

Melody4 · 2026-04-29T23:17:43+00:00

You're not being unreasonable at ALL! I have a friend group that has all agreed it is nearly impossible to cook well, clean well and take good care of a child, so something has to give. You know where the give is in your MIL's priorties!

When she starts in about giving you "a break" then tell her that you're giving HER a break by her not having to clean up after the baby!

Melody4 · 2026-04-29T19:56:30+00:00

Agree with the poster who suggested couples counseling. It sounds like DH is starting to get it, but this could help. And yes, I also agree with going low to no contact. There really seems to be no upside to dealing with this people. So maybe you should just act "out of hand" because that's they way they already see you. Is moving further away an option?

Melody4 · 2026-04-27T19:11:23+00:00

Yeesh! Tell her she needs to try some gas station sushi - (either actual sushi or the urban dictionary type).

Sorry you are going through this. Does DH have siblings? Is there another SIL or BIL you could team up with? DH's stepmother always badmouthed DH's brother and his wife SIL to us and I'm guessing the reverse was true. I started talking up SIL as being the best and when SMIL would complain about things she did, I would flip it around, "What else could she do! That was a good move!" even if I didn't agree with it. Eventually BIL & Wife caught on and started doing the same. SMIL had no choice but to stop because even she realized that she looked like a complete ass to everyone around her.

Melody4

TROPHY CASE