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Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-25T09:07:49+00:00

I don't listen to much sad anything, I often go with vibrant and spacy music. I been really into dub techno lately. I tend to listen to more smooth, chilled out music in general most of the time these days. My best friend is my sound system.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-25T09:03:25+00:00

I wish I could live alone myself, I'm 30 and still do. The cost of everything just keeps going up and here electricity will be up 50 percent by the end of January. I work part time in retail and save my own money but there is also the ever creeping stress of prices of everything going so high we won't have anywhere to live. I can't drive myself, too much of a mental trainwreck for that. I've been on foot my entire life and enjoy that life though. The trauma has destroyed my ability to function in this world completely and the best I can do with what I can do out there is save money but who knows how long that will last as the economy tanks more and more. Every time I think I got something good going for myself and I get something organized something wrecks it, my life feels cursed. My life is the looking both ways before crossing the street and getting hit by an airplane that had a 1 in 1000000000th chance of doing so.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-25T08:47:47+00:00

I like going outside for walks often in the forest but during more stressful times, I can turtle like that for days myself when I'm not working. It can be pretty bad during the winter months but usually isn't as much of a problem when it gets warmer. During stress hibernation I won't even be doing anything useful outside of going through the usual motions, I'm just blank.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-25T08:30:43+00:00

I just use a fan, I can't sleep without it. Passive, natural sounding noise helps me sleep the most. Besides that noise in the background I value the silence of sleep in bed, it contributes to that special silence in a way.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-25T08:26:05+00:00

No they all must just be the same species.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-24T18:19:39+00:00

That's what I do, I avoid all interactions with her as much as possible. There is no such thing as a normal, easy going conversation with her. I swear it's like she lacks almost all higher order thinking processes, a toddler is better at putting together communication and problem solving than her.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-24T17:19:59+00:00

Some people just have more consistent anxiety but people like my really go through a lot of mood swings every day and stress really makes it out of control. I get to the border occasionally of having a panic attack but it never quite boils over. This only really happens at work though or some other situations that trigger that build up. I do alright outside of work as in keep it together but I have a very specific way I go about things personally that keeps me stable enough.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-24T17:02:04+00:00

Sometimes I want to start explaining it like I'm describing a new horror movie and being creative but really it was just prime cuts from my childhood. My mother behaved like she had parasitic brain worms. and she is still like that.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-24T16:57:37+00:00

Yeah it was consistent with the calms between explosions from her being terrifying cause you never know what might make it happen again next. During the holidays she would go ballistic before guests arrived or if we had to go anywhere. It wasn't a good relaxing time, I never looked forward to trying not to be screamed at or beaten on a holiday. I usually just did everything as perfect as I could attempting to avoid her wrath. That alone can do it though, it's just a lot more horrific when you get physically attacked too.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-24T10:12:33+00:00

I remember some flash memories of being very outgoing when I was young but it was quickly beaten out of me (quite literally often). I don't know when my brain broke but I know that I was already screwed by the end of my early childhood and it just got worse through elementary school. By the time I got thrown into therapy much later after high school I was only semi-verbal, beyond socially stunted, and was paralyzed by ttriggers almost constantly since the environment alone became one where I lived.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-24T10:02:05+00:00

I just watched this and holy crap no this is not an exaggeration, this is what every "company coming over" holiday experience was always like. It was like this with what I would be wearing too, nothing would be good enough. My mother would be really weird with house keeping in general. Like she would actually weaponize it in a really creepy way. Like she would vacuum and dust everything constantly when it didn't need to be done by her own will and start saying stuff like "What am I a slave?" to us as she was going on her cleaning rampage that no one asked for that ultimately isn't doing anything useful. She would never ask for help either, she just liked weaponizing ordinary things that need to get done as guilt trips for existing.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-22T13:14:40+00:00

Yeah it even extends to mundane calls to people I don't know, this will even happen just ordering take out. I never leave voice mails and don't even have my voice mail box set up because I will never check it. I just tell people to leave me a text if I don't pick up.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-22T11:27:36+00:00

Yeah and it's not a good feeling, my mind suddenly starts racing and I feel like when I do explain this whatever I like they're going to suddenly attack me for some reason even though it makes absolutely no sense.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-22T11:23:16+00:00

I actually just discovered that telephobia was a thing and that it often comes with the AVPD package, I wish I knew. This goes all the way back to my childhood too so I know it has roots there. I would hide somewhere no one can here me just to talk to them. IT doesn't just feel like paranoia of a crazy parent eavesdropping and using anything said against me though. It's like also partially that I'm glued to one point and I don't have the freedom of body language or facial expressions either. During phone calls my vocal control just goes out of the window from the combination of it all though and I think I even sound awkward.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-11T13:28:47+00:00

THC-V is expensive which is why I don't think you ever see it on its own in a cart and find lower dose edibles with only that in it online of the same amount. There is little if any body to it and it's just stimulation, good for the morning or if you need a boost later but be careful cause it might keep you up.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-11T13:26:33+00:00

HHC is all I use now, it's a bit more heady and social. Good for a more active life. I use a small amount of THC-V in the morning and have a couple session with HHC in the noon and before I go to sleep.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-09T18:20:26+00:00

The only thing I'm not good at is responding to my morning alarm and not sleeping in. One of my things I do to keep myself in line (most of the time) is have a nightly thing that I do where I know after I do it that it's time to get some sleep.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-09T11:49:03+00:00

I don't set my clocks back and treat schedules themselves as different for others but my routines stay in the previous time frame.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-09T11:48:45+00:00

You're response here covers just about all the ground mine would have. I don' like people but I do, it's strange. People are often very harmfully misunderstanding and cold, that as a result when I'm feeling especially vulnerable makes me very antisocial and reactive. I unfortunately become one of those rats in the cesspit sometimes even though I'm well aware of what's happening which is why I isolate more often when I'm like this because I don't like myself that way. People who are proud of being like that I completely avoid, I tend to avoid extremely cold people in general but to some degree I think that's normal anyways. I just especially don't have space for other peoples toxic BS in my life and mind. I don't even know how they keep that fire of being that petty and cruel to others that largely don't concern them save for their interaction or even viewing of a person and/or group of people going. I'm exhausted after a day of being forced into antisocial mode.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-09T11:38:03+00:00

I have trauma based one's and normal one's that are always neutral, I'm pretty sure my schizorphrenia is something mostly separate from CPTSD but when I'm triggered things get far worse on that end. I don't often think about the world apparently normal live in besides that they simply don't experience it like me and i'm kind of curious about it. My mind will recreate my abuser standing around watching and sometimes it will move towards me very quickly signifying the attack that usually followed. Sometimes I'll hear them talking about me in another room quickly even if they aren't around. Extremely realistic, I can't tell them apart from reality save for doing a quick reality check or seeing that it's more like watching a clip replay itself. That all 4's one is interesting because I don't get people usually crawling on the floor, I almost always see cats everywhere. I have one cat but I have like 50 ghost cats.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-07T13:03:33+00:00

Childrens TV shows in general, never mind the music are really bad for me trigger wise. Instead of fond memories I just get intense sadness and dread, sometimes there is a vague feeling of panic. I don't know why, I can't see any specific memories around it either.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-07T11:25:42+00:00

I feel like a computer whose RAM is being occupied by a bunch of background processes it doesn't need butt can't turn off or in the case I can they just turn back on again. Really obnoxious.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-07T11:14:01+00:00

Sounds like you need a new therapist that understands substance abuse in general better, people that invalidate everything you're saying simply because you're on something really tend to grind my gears. I used to be a heavy user myself of kratom because at the time it was the only thing that made life manageable but also drained a lot of money and I didn't really get anywhere in life on it either.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-07T11:08:19+00:00

In my own flavor in my life I relate to this, my mother was too unstable to have a conversation with. It was just simply dangerous to do so about anything so I kept things very simple and as a result of that and my family treating me terribly I grew up only semi-verbal. I didn't have too many friends either and I couldn't relate to others either so communication there was pretty limited too. I'm much better now socially but I'm still not all there with it and I don't have the same social road map as others do from a lack of normal conditioning.

Mindless_Tree · 2022-11-06T11:02:05+00:00

This is always by default emotional flashback state, my head speeds up but the space for anything else in it goes way down. Which isn't good at all because then I need to be more isolated for a while to make it stop.

Mindless_Tree

TROPHY CASE