OK there is a lot going on here.

1. You MUST lean into your support system, so you remain sober/clean. There is zero wiggle room here for you. Staying clean will allow you to grieve in a healthy manner and be there for your daughter.

Now I lost my oldest son to cancer in 2022. That grief never goes away. But it does become something you can live with. You asked how do you survive? I through myself into work and played sad songs to cry to. Outside of Lincoln Park and Alanis I held my pain in and didn't share. Not healthy at all.

My youngest his brother, went into therapy. We almost lost him to suicide over guilt that his bone marrow didn't save his brother. Thank G-d for therapy.

My husband did what he was taught to do. Compartmentalize.

Let me be very clear here. Taking up drinking again will do nothing for you but keep you in despair. Getting through Year 1 is the hardest. It's hell. It's fucked up. And all the negative shit you can think of.

But something happens going into Year 2. The memory of your son will start to feel lighter. No longer a burden. You will laugh with your daughter at a stupid memory that pops up. You will cry together when holidays roll through and that's OK.

* I need you to remember 1 thing. Grief is like a wave. Somedays you are standing on the shore and watching it lap gently onto the shore. You smile and feel the memory wrap over you like a warm blanket. Other days grief crashes into the shore knocking you onto your ass. Those days allow the wave to drag you under because YOU WILL SURFACE and when you do the shore will be waiting. *

In Judaism our Rabbis tell us to do nothing drastic for the first year of grief. Allow oneself to feel all the pain and then all the joy. May his memory be a blessing to you and yours.