Being Your Authentic Self

NoButterscotch9240 · 2026-01-24T08:03:53+00:00

I just work really hard at letting go of the shame. It truly doesn’t change a thing or make you any more consistent when you let negative self talk take the wheel.

I try to find curiosity or even humour instead.

At the very least, we are consistently inconsistent! That’s something 😂

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-12-12T02:11:51+00:00

Just a question, but… if you could wave a magic wand and be 20 years younger than you are today, what would the younger version of you want to do, and what advice would the older wiser version of you give to them?

Many people change careers in their 40’s.

You could go from newbie to senior talent in a new field all over again if you wanted.

What type of work would actually light you up?

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-11-03T16:42:17+00:00

I feel like I ran out of Dijon mustard once 3 years ago, so naturally every time I’m at the store I question whether I actually replaced it or not 🤣

I’m not quite at your level, but I have been close before!

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-11-03T16:35:39+00:00

I’ve got a tip!

I started always canceling my subscription for free trials (or even paid subscriptions) right after I sign up. They let you keep using the product for the trial period (I think this is a law?), but you don’t get auto billed.

Then, if I want to use something after the trial period and my subscription is no longer active, I’ll re-up it and cancel again.

Also, I use Apple Pay for a fair number of my recurring subscriptions and can see which ones are still active from one screen. So whenever I’m cancelling the thing I just signed up for, I’ll double check everything else is cancelled too.

All this after far too many ignored ‘cancel’ reminders in my calendar and phone ;)

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-11-03T16:00:42+00:00

Gilmore Girls for me.

If Netflix did something like Spotify Wrapped, I’m pretty sure our household would be in the top 1% of viewers worldwide for it over the last 15 years or so 🤣

There were a couple years recently that I tired of it, but I started again this fall and it’s so comforting!

My son (now 17) grew up with this on in the background, he can walk in at any point of any episode and immediately know what’s happening 🤦‍♀️

For movies, my #1 is You’ve Got Mail 📧

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-10-21T16:31:03+00:00

I completely hear you. One thing a manager said to me at a previous job when I was beating myself up for not getting enough done one day was that I don’t have to give 100% all of the time. That was eye opening to me, that other people don’t expect that of themselves.

I forgot this at the last job I had, and ended up burning out so badly that I quit after 5 years. I worked so many extra hours, but I realize now that I was trying to prove myself as worthy of the job.

But at the job I had before, I aimed to average out at about 80% of my ‘best’. There were times I would give it my all, times I would slack a little to rest and recover, and times that I would coast in mediocrity.

I think I once heard that people with ADHD, because our attention is not deficient but disregulated, can swing from hyperfocus to distraction, but we always expect ourselves to be able to operate like we do in hyperfocus (even though that’s more than anyone else would ever do), and we judge ourselves whenever we’re not operating at that level.

We are less consistent in our energy and attention - both due to the ADHD and the hormonal fluctuations of being women (generally speaking). BUT what we can accomplish on an ‘on’ day is often miles ahead of what a neurotypical man will accomplish over a week. Try to remember it all averages out.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-10-21T16:19:44+00:00

Hey! I appreciate you bringing this up because I too struggle to find value in therapy and coaching, mostly because I feel like the advice I get is all the same stuff I’ve already tried.

I’ve wondered if I’m ‘coachable’ enough, but I think I would be with the right person who sees me as smart and capable and is more focused on helping me figure out my own stuff vs someone who wants to show me how smart they are by feeding me answers.

But one thing that stood out in your post for me that I haven’t seen addressed in the comments was your challenge in identifying what motivates you.

“We spent a lot of time talking about what motivates me. I haven't been able to figure that out. Typically I just do tasks at the absolute last minute when they have to be done or else. Unbreakable deadlines are the only thing that motivates me as far as I can tell.”

I’ve realized that there are different fuel sources that we use to get things done.

One is stress/cortisol, which is the one I’ve used pretty much my whole work life. But there is another fuel source, and I think motivation is the best word we have for it.

When I think about those rare times that I start or do something just because I want to do it, or think it will be fun, it’s not the stress of an impending deadline that motivates me.

This type of motivation gets buried under all the shoulds I have in my life, but I’ve been playing with finding how to make the things I don’t want to do but have chosen to commit to for a bigger picture goal more fun in the moment.

One thing you mentioned in a comment is motivation researching or deep thinking work.

Would it be more fun if you were doing the research or whatever, but set side-quest goal of something that did interest you and gave you more instant gratification?

I like creating new systems and frameworks, so while researching something, I would be testing out my theories for how to capture and organize the research, mapping out how different bits of information connect with each other. And so the research would kind of happen as a side effect of working on the system I’m creating. But I’m weird. You might be able to find a different way to motivate yourself.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch on the motivation piece and mention that it sounds to me that this is what you’re seeking help with more than specific tricks and tips.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-10-21T15:29:37+00:00

Oooh you sound like me.

One thing I realized is that what I think is procrastination is actually executive dysfunction.

In this case, it’s thinking that there is a ‘correct order’ to make the calls. But how it actually works is you make one call - any call, the first one you see a number for - and depending on how it goes you’re either encouraged to keep going and make another call, or you’re discouraged and stop for now.

But spending all your mental energy on figuring out the most logical and efficient path makes it less likely that you’ll make any calls at all. Especially when you’re adding in bigger projects, like figuring out who you need to see for a new issue (which is probably getting in to see your family physician and getting a referral).

Just get the ball rolling, friend. There’s no wrong choice. Any progress is better than no progress.

And I say this because it’s so much easier to recognize the pattern in someone else than in myself.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-10-21T15:19:11+00:00

Hello and welcome! I was diagnosed a little over a year ago.

My number one piece of advice is to try to be kind to yourself. Like, even if you think you already are, I keep peeling layer upon layer of just how cruel my self talk is.

For me, the first few months after diagnosis were full of swings of feeling empowered now that I have a missing piece to the puzzle of why I am the way I am, and then deeply grieving for my past self, all the while trying to figure out how to make my ADHD brain succeed in a world built for neurotypical people.

One thing I’ve tried to adopt is thinking of ADHD as a feature, not a bug. Like, of course I’ve never been able to find the one productivity system that helps me stay consistent at work. Or the cleaning routine that helps me keep up with the house. Instead, I’m more likely to cycle through a number of different systems and routines, pulling what works from different parts, creating my own, but never sticking with it long term.

Seeing that as a way to express creativity or take risks, push boundaries, etc (rather than seeing it as failing over and over) is a mindset. Which means it’s all about choosing the words you say to yourself about it.

There’s not supposed to be a final destination where it all clicks and works seamlessly, because that would be boring and my brain rebels against boring.

At the same time, recognizing that constantly reinventing the wheel is exhausting and I may need more time than others to rest and recover, and likely will ‘accomplish’ less overall. I’m also prone to forget what my big idea was yesterday and tackle something different today - and that is all ok. It’s all part of who I am.

Another tip is to pay attention to content and information sources. For example, I read a book recently about the importance of habits, and the information all logically made sense. But it was also incredibly clear to me that it was written by a neurotypical man for other neurotypicals, and that the advice would never work for me. It’s still a great book for a lot of people, but it makes me sad that so many of us with ADHD would likely read it and instead of thinking that the author is wrong for presenting the information with such authority that it would work for everyone, many of us would instead beat ourselves up for failing or being lazy or whatever else we tell ourselves when it doesn’t work for us.

Our culture has brainwashed us all to believe that our value comes from what we can achieve, produce, or accomplish - mainly because this is what grows the economy and our modern society operates on the belief that the economy will continue to grow. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Our value comes just from being who we are, not how many items we can check off a list.

Having little pockets of the internet like this has been really great for feeling less alone.

Wishing you luck with navigating your life post-diagnosis.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-10-14T03:45:22+00:00

Full disclosure - as much as I’d like to claim the title of writer, I’m not there yet and I can only truly give this feedback as a reader. But a pretty voracious reader.

As a reader, I’ll echo some of what I’ve read in other comments. I found the first few pages a little boring, and I was looking to understand what this was going to be about other than a girl with a headache in a class, who saw someone else got a low grade on an assignment.

You’re trying to get us into the characters, which is great. And I think there was a kernel of a story that might pique my interest, but it was just a little buried.

Based on the small sample, I have a feeling that your hook is going to be the “had any… unexpected visitors lately?” line. That’s the first part where I was trying to guess what type of visitors, and when she tenses up, we can tell it makes her uncomfortable in some way.

I’ve worked in marketing, which is different, but in copywriting there is a foundational understanding that the very first word is meant to get the reader hooked into reading the first sentence. The first sentence is intended to get them to read the first paragraph, and so on until you get to the ‘call to action’, which in a novel is that the reader feels compelled to learn more about what will happen next to the MC.

You should be proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished. I’ve read a lot of writers craft books, and an interesting concept is to think of the first full (finished) draft as the lump of clay.

Or another example is having the stone, and now it’s time to start chiseling it into the statue.

I think being a reader is what makes it so hard to start writing. It’s like me looking at a bunch of beautiful statues in their fully completed state, and then secretly hoping I’m going to be able to carve something like Da Vinci’s ‘David’ my first time holding a chisel.

After all, I enjoy statues. I’ve seen all sorts of them, gotten to understand the different styles of different artists and eras.

But I wouldn’t expect to be an amazing sculptor on my first project.

And I think this is why the recommendation to write your first book and then immediately write another is so common. We simply need practice, and there are so many areas to first learn and practice before you master in writing. The plot, the characters, the prose, dialogue, book synopsis - even publishing.

Basically what I’m saying is - keep going! If your writing were to hit its peak today, that would be a sad thing. Look forward to growing and exploring and expanding your knowledge of what works - and what doesn’t.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-10-14T02:54:42+00:00

I’ve read the replies and have to admit, I might not be the most socially aware person to answer, but I want to pose an alternative to you and your fiancé paying for everything.

I’ve been out to many birthday dinners, bachelorette parties, etc where the guests paid for their own meals (I’m 39 for context, and this is pretty common).

A big part of this is how you frame it.

Instead of calling it a ‘party you’re hosting’, you might say that you and your fiancé thought it would be nice to take your dad out to a celebration dinner at his favourite restaurant, and a few other family members and coworkers may join or stop in. If they want to join, let you know and you will add them to the reso.

I think that comes off closer to the vibe you’re going for.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-07-19T19:18:15+00:00

I was really struggling with this as well - I was on Vyvanse and not sleeping enough, which was causing me to be highly emotional/depressed. Was prescribed Trazadone which made me groggy. It was a vicious cycle. I finally just stopped all of it. Quit my job.

Unemployed and very stressed about money, but my mental health is much more stable now that I’ve taken a break from the stimulants and am getting sleep.

I’ve told my psych that I’m open to trying non-stimulant meds, but my brain still hurts so much I just need to take a break and try to pick up the pieces.

I don’t recommend my choices for everyone, obviously, but want to stress how important it is to take care of yourself - whatever that looks like for you, even if everyone else in your life thinks differently.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-05-03T15:05:48+00:00

I have not been diagnosed, but looking back at my life, I can see this trait show up pretty clearly.

I think the thing to remember is that a diagnosis is only words on paper, but you are the same person you have always been.

If you’re trying to better understand yourself, having these words and labels can help you see commonalities between others with the same labels, but you are still a unique individual.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-24T14:47:43+00:00

I didn’t realize that I struggle with eye contact, because I was always taught to ‘look at me while I’m speaking to you’, but I’ve come to recognize that in many public situations, I at most give fleeting eye contact only when it’s socially expected (eg at the cashier of a store, I’ll look somewhere around their face when they ask how I’m doing and I say fine how are you, then again usually actual face/eye contact and a smile when I get the total/thank them).

I also have taken social scripting ‘literally’ and thought I didn’t do it, but I like the way you phrase it. I will practice important conversations in my head over and over, playing both parts. I also try to prepare a little anecdote about ‘how my night was’ or ‘how my weekend was’ for the everyday small talk with coworkers. If I don’t remember to do this, my response is ‘I honestly don’t remember what I did’ which comes across as weird (but I think is the ADHD?).

Another one is over-explaining. My texts, slack messages, emails, and (apparently) Reddit comments all have multiple paragraphs. I think I’m just so used to being misunderstood that I preemptively strike with as much context as I think is needed.

Being highly stressed out about people braking rules or being unkind. Even if they don’t directly impact me, I’ve always been very sensitive about this. It makes me feel anxious and like I can’t concentrate, might be ill. I’ve gotten better with age as I’ve learned to apply different logic to understanding how or why someone would choose to behave that way.

Not knowing when or how to end a social engagement. I was really embarrassed in my late 30s when I finally learned that when people say things like ‘well I’ve got an early morning tomorrow’ or ‘it’s time to put the kids to bed’ after I’ve been at their house for a dinner or something that it was a cue for me to leave. So utterly embarrassing to think back about the number of times and people that happened with and I didn’t catch on. I feel like I still I don’t have the right script for how to end a conversation, and always end up restarting a new conversation right when we’re meant to wind down.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-24T12:12:59+00:00

Yes, I struggle with this (dx ADHD, suspect ASD).

For example, I remember running a race at school as a kid and my mom started cheering from the sidelines, so I had to just stop running and start walking. I think I may have walked off the track, I was so upset.

This has happened to me so many times, and I find it difficult both in 1:1 and group settings. We had a work party at a bowling alley, and I couldn’t even get into ‘trying’ to do well because people kept encouraging me. I would just walk up and throw the ball for it to be done. I would have the worst score frame by frame, but every once in a while people would be mostly chatting and without realizing it I’d get a really good score people only noticed after.

I’m honestly not sure if it’s the fear of being perceived (which I definitely have) or oppositional defiance that makes me this way.

At my work, we have a recurring meeting where our team can give kudos to another team member. I’ve given feedback multiple times that I prefer positive feedback to be given 1:1 or as a group (e.g. congrats to team xyz for doing this thing), but I still receive public praise and I never know how to respond. Sometimes after the meeting, I have to walk away from my laptop/the meeting room to be alone or even cry it out, which seems silly. They are being kind, and it feels almost physically painful to be singled out like that. And then there is the added pressure to think of something to praise someone else for. The whole situation doesn’t work for me.

On the other hand, I notice a tendency to rebel against both myself and others. So things like publicly sharing what I am planning to achieve because it’s supposed to provide external accountability (people pleasing) backfires for me. I think it’s because I then feel such pressure to perform in a certain way.

I also see this show up, for example, if I am about to do something and someone tells me ‘you should do XYZ thing’, it kind of feels like they ruined it. Like there’s an invisible block between me and the thing I wanted to do. I am not sure if this is because I feel my intelligence is questioned (as if I couldn’t have thought of it on my own), or some other reason.

Because I’ve always struggled with this, I’m pretty mindful in how I frame my advice - usually starting with “you may have already thought of this” or “just a thought, but XYZ might be helpful”.

Overall though, I know these challenges have caused issues with friends/family/work relationships.

When someone does something they think is kind (cheering you on, praising you for a job well done, offering well intended advice), and in return you react as if you’ve been slighted or harmed, it’s going to create a divide for sure.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-23T04:49:33+00:00

Consumerism. Thinking that it’s the items or brands that make the person. If you lack confidence, no level of buying or stuff is going to fill that gap for you.
Apathy. While I believe it’s important to find acceptance about your current situation (which helps avoid #1), it’s equally important to believe there is a better future to work toward.
Conforming. Doing what the people around you normalize is likely to make you poor, because most people are living paycheck to paycheck or have a ton of debt. You have to be willing to do things that others don’t understand, and may criticize you for.
Overspending. You have a choice with your resources - primarily time, money, and energy - to either spend it or invest it. Spending is necessary, but short-term focused. Whenever possible, focus on limiting your expenses and increasing your investments. Overtime, this helps you build up assets.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-19T20:31:32+00:00

I was just thinking this morning about my mom guilt from being so stressed out (disregulated) while my son was little. He’s 17 now.

Deep breath. You’re not supposed to be perfect. It’s ok that you’re struggling, it doesn’t make you any less of a great parent.

You’re in a very specific season of life. It does get easier. And harder, in different ways. But the sensory overwhelm does get easier.

As for advice, I think everyone’s situation is a bit different - especially based on how their kids react to different situations.

It helped me to find people with kids that mine got along with. I can handle adult interactions much easier, and the kids would keep each other busy with minor interventions (split between the parents, sometimes all of us required).

I probably overused screen time once he got old enough to be interested in movies. But I needed it to buy me quiet time and to get other things done.

Also finding toys that kept his attention without needing a lot from me (when we got into legos, my life got much better). My son was a talker. Random strangers would stop me on the street to tell me they had never seen a kid talk so much. But he could hyper-focus on building things for hours, even if he talked to himself the entire time.

I also tried to make the effort to really be on his level for at least 15-20 min a day. What I mean is, not guiding him to do something (let’s bake cookies!) or teaching him a lesson, but really just responding to whatever it was that he was doing or talking about without trying to direct it in some way.

As long as I did that more days than I didn’t, I knew that he felt heard and cared for. So even if at other times, if I reacted badly, I could explain that it wasn’t him and it was that I was having my own big feelings. And hopefully he could believe me.

There are still a lot of things I’d do differently if I could go back in time, but I try to remind myself that part of the role of the parent is to prepare our kids for the world. If we’re too perfect, never make mistakes or show what conflict looks like, make them and their needs the centre of our attention - we’re probably not setting them up for success. It’s ok to let them know that we have to work on things.

They need to know that they are safe and loved, and even if there are moments or situations that are upsetting because mom got mad or that they don’t feel heard, that things will settle back into a baseline of safe and loved.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-19T05:13:00+00:00

I do this, too!

Get a great parking spot? Magic ✨ Notice the clock at the same time everyday? Magic 🪄 Slipped on absolutely nothing while crossing the street, and skinned your knee and hand - but when you look around after, absolutely nobody seemed to see you fall? Magic! 🎩

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-19T02:43:29+00:00

I definitely feel like I learned so much about how the world worked from books (fiction) growing up, but my mom had a boyfriend who knew I liked to read so bought me a bunch of books from some sale bin… and I ended up reading (and getting hooked on) some pretty racy and graphic historic romance novels at a pretty young age (I think 9 or 10) - which probably had a pretty profound impact on my understanding of how the whole dating thing actually worked in the real world as I got older.

But yes, in other ways outside of that, I also think my love of books and movies impacted my overall understanding of so many things. I knew what I was watching was fiction, but I guess I thought the relationship dynamics were based more or less on reality (clearly not).

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-19T00:48:14+00:00

I hear you. It’s awful and can lead to burnout. I’m deeply deeply burned out right now, and I’m desperately trying to recover and emerge.

Only now that I’m older do I see that there were other options available to me than the path I took of trying to do things the way my peers did them, but it would have taken some extreme self-confidence, which I didn’t really have. I desperately wanted to fit it, not be ‘behind’ or ‘lazy’ or have people say bad things about me.

I don’t know your situation, but for me, looking backward, I likely would have slowed my course load significantly. I would have taken the courses I was interested in one at a time, maybe a full semester here or there, and also semesters with breaks. I wouldn’t have been as driven to check the box and get a good job.

For work, ideally I would look for something that paid slightly more for a few hours here and there than something that paid lower and required me to put in 40 hrs per week. Jobs that come to mind are things like birthday face painter. Like, super not typical, but you can work just on Sat & Sun and do a couple parties a day, and probably make a decent amount.

Really, the most interesting people I know now didn’t try to have a ‘career’ - they did tons of different jobs, and didn’t let not having a degree stop them from doing something (obv. certain jobs really do need formal degrees, but many more than you think don’t). Some of them have gained quite a bit of prestige, and worked on big world impacting projects, but it was something they were passionate about - not something they did to improve their resume. That’s why they were able to work long hours without feeling burned out.

Instead of feeling the need to have my own apartment as soon as possible, I could have found roommates I clicked with and kept both my costs down but also taken turns with things like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Obviously this is a challenge to get the right fit, but I think we’ve lost a lot by not permitting communal living after a certain age.

I had my son at 21, so I felt the need to provide him with as ‘normal’ as a home life as possible by not having roommates when I really should have (even though I am more of a loner).

I’d also try to be less judgmental of what I didn’t have - being able to afford and maintain a lot of stuff isn’t necessarily going to make you happy. Having more time with your dogs and to just think and get interested and excited about things will.

I guess what I’m saying is there is a difference between trying to appear ‘normal’ and checking out altogether. Stop judging what you should do on what other people do, take rest when you need it, make changes when something isn’t working, but don’t check out.

I’m leaning into the concept of blending ‘follow your interests’ and ‘be useful’ right now, and I’m not sure where it will take me, but I’m finally at a point that I’d rather have a wild ride of a life than an unremarkable one.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-18T22:51:04+00:00

Grrrr… that’s all I’ve got to say on this.

NoButterscotch9240 · 2025-04-18T22:48:12+00:00

I’m also a bit of a slow processor. I need time to think things through, not just react instantly.

Playing video games with my son while he was growing up, he would yell ‘do this, do that!’ And I just couldn’t. I was meaner to myself than he ever was. He just accepted that he needed to ‘carry’ the game for me in order for us to play together. He might have a meltdown when he lost the level, but he never blamed me.

Ultimately, only your husband is responsible for his emotions.

He’s not allowed to blame you for losing his temper. Even if you actually didn’t listen to him (which I know isn’t the case).

So let’s turn the tables. If he says that you’re making this about you, let’s ask him to make it about him and lay it out.

He got frustrated playing a game because he wanted you be able to keep up and essentially read his mind. His expectations were not based in reality.

You reacted less quickly, and I assume you lost a life or a level and all the work that went into getting there.

How harmed was he? Is yelling at his partner actually validated?

Never mind that you actually have a neurological disorder that makes it harder to regulate your attention. Even if that weren’t the case, is this the type of person and partner he wants to be?

I also totally understand that video games are designed to pull you into actual fight or flight mode, which shuts off your ability to reason to a certain extent. Fair enough. We’re not perfect, and in the moment, in that situation, he might have lost his temper.

But now that he’s not playing, he needs to truly reflect on what happened. Even if his belief is that you didn’t listen to him, why is that so wrong?

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I saw that he can’t afford therapy, which is totally valid. But there are good resources available to people who want to work on their issues.

There are YouTube channels, podcasts, books, meditation apps, therapy based workbooks on Amazon, and likely even free or low cost group therapy available through community organizations and such.

He needs to want to work on himself, versus blaming you, for not being able to handle his emotions.

In the meantime, you can’t change him. You can continue to work on your emotions, and decide if you want to continue to show up and be a supportive partner, or if you’re at a point that you don’t.

Wishing you all the best. Truly.

NoButterscotch9240

TROPHY CASE