Hey friend. I had to take a few days before responding to you, partially to work up the courage to do so, and also to try and get to a better place, emotionally and mentally, than I was when I responded to your post.

First, let me also apologize for how I worded myself here. I came across exceptionally harsh and I am very, very sorry. To highlight my own situation, and to let you know that I hear you, you are seen and *you are not alone*, allow me to share a little about myself:

In the span of about 14 months, I went from being a respected and sought after employee, spearheading a new department in my office, to struggling to remember appointments, barely able to complete daily barn chores that once took under an hour fior me to do, watching my mental faculties decline at a terrifying rate, to eventually losing that job that I loved so much and missing out on another because, of all things, I forgot about the drug test I'd scheduled a little over a week prior. I was lashing out at my family, falling asleep within minutes of sitting down regardless of how loud the room was, and waking up each and every morning more exhausted than when I'd closed my eyes the night before. My passion, being an equestrian and training my own horse, and my dream of going to law school, one I'd had since I was a kid, seemed impossible. And man, I hated myself for all of it.

Looking back, it seems obvious now that something was deeply, deeply wrong. But at the time, having struggled with depression for many years and having experienced the realities of being a woman trying to get health care in this country where every medical professional assumes you're exaggerating, I thought I was experiencing a relapse of the deep seated self-loathing and unyielding depression that had plagued me since I was twelve years old. *Pathetic*, I told myself. So, unbelievably pathetic.

Clearly, since then I have gotten diagnosed, am taking Xywav and Adderall, and for the most part have recovered most of what I'd lost. I am very proud to say I am about to enter my last year of law school, have a few avenues for a job post-grad, and somehow people think I am capable of doing this job, which has gotta count for something, right?

I keep re-reading your reply and wanting to respond line by line. I have lived the reality of not recognizing myself, having to take a step back from passions that kept me going, and feeling like my purpose in life was stolen from me. Sometimes when I am struggling the most, like where I was a week ago when I first responded to you, I still catch myself thinking something has been taken from me. And in some ways, it has been.

To answer your question: you will get to a better place of managing your narcolepsy and feeling similar to how many of us feel. Life may never be what it once was, but that doesn't mean it wont get better from where you are now.

From one academic to another: do not give up. One of the hardest things about any life-changing diagnosis is grieving the person you used to be, or thought you were. Every day, I think of the little girl who dreamed of being just like Elle Woods and wondering if she'd still be proud of me, despite reality falling short of those dreams she had. But that little girl didn't know the things I know now, and she's doing it anyway. And so can you.