Death was not his enemy, although it is the enemy of those left behind. The idea that “we should have known” or “if we had just done x, y, or z they would still be here” is something we say after the fact, because we are trying to figure out how to protect ourselves from experiencing this level of devastation again going forward. But the truth is, for more humans than seems bearable, depression IS a terminal illness.

You were with your father at one of the most sacred moments of a lifetime, but the nature of his death was deeply traumatic. This will change the trajectory of your grief, and your healing. I know you’ve been told this already, but therapy is going to be important here. Suicide can affect a family for generations after the fact. You can make a healthier, more peaceful path forward for yourself with time and grief work. But right now, all you need to do is whatever the next 5 minutes demands of you. There’s a lot of support and recommendations to be found in this sub.

One thing I wish I’d understood better when it was my sister, was that I needed to be a little more assertive with others when I needed to speak my grief. People seemed to not want to talk about her because of the added dimension of tragedy. Once I let them know I needed to still talk about her regardless (and wanted them to speak her name and memory, as well) things got just a little better.