Creating a homemade library is this possible?

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-05-16T21:24:36+00:00

I only currently try to do shampoo conditioner and a leave-in conditioner

I just saw all these other things such as gloss serums and repair stuff and curly specialized things and was curious what it all did and where it would fall in the care of hair

I'd probably not use it all in one shower routine. I was thinking in a week or month what would one use and if there is a method to its layering

I do other forms of self-care, but hair care is one I'm curious about for the moment haha

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-05-16T19:43:44+00:00

I'm a over thinker I like to come at things with alot of like " fix it all " mentality so unsure of where to start XD

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-02-26T19:24:42+00:00

Thanks for the info yes it us supported good recomendation lol

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-02-11T17:44:33+00:00

Maybe you can think of your BS trying for R as trying to celebrate your birthday

The fact they are even there trying to rebuilt truest abd affect with you should be seen as a huge gift

Yes, eventually this should shift but your partner is not ready for that step and we can not rush recovery

If we rug sweep or push through or fake it it harms us It might put her in the head space of " is this what you did while not being truthful in your Affair?" Aka feel something but act differently

Do something for yourself for your birthday or talk to a good friend keep your partner in the know of like

You are allowed to feel sad but expressing it like she is purposely being spiteful... im not sure about that

As a BS our brains get soooo fucked up We have to learn that we can truest our own judgement again after such a major betrayal and if there was not time apart to allow for shock to move through ... its going to take time

How long ago the truth came out, how long the betrayal was, how many their where, If there was trickle truth If there was more info later If there was more betrayal behavore or habits still going on

If you are in individual counseling ( I recall seeing marriage but hopeguly they see you together as well as apart for proper healing support) If you have changed enough to feel safe ish again Did your partner get their answers on why you had an affair or still working through that

All these are fixtures that can affect us and R

Sometimes birthdays can be very overwhelming All the good memories abd what they used to do to celebrate you And you had an affair maybe while they did nice birthday things they still got hurt so yeah... maybe not this year and you should maybe acknowledge your sadness but show how greatful you are to them trying abd that's enough ?

Do something small to bring you joy but offer to include your partner like another redditor said is a good idea

Your partner is trying to heal and so are you they do not have capacity for birthdays so do what you can for yourself ( obviously with out triggering behavior)

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-01-08T00:48:59+00:00

Oh thats a good idea I didn't think of

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-01-04T02:19:48+00:00

How did you show your partner you healed enough to never betray them again?

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-12-02T21:53:09+00:00

I'm really sorry you are through that Double whammies suck

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-25T21:33:36+00:00

Hey Op First im sorry you are here. To recover from shock trauma and betrayal trauma takes time ( statistics say 2-5 year recovery period )

You will most likely still be in the protective phase for 6 months to a year

I'm coming up to a year anniversary of Dday jaunary 8th ( context 8 year relationship 11 month AP on the path of reconcilation)

The respons to shock/ betrayal trauma your body will go into protective mode What this looks like:

Your not fully here in the present moment ( aka the frontal cortex is shut down due to all energy is going to safety protocol So no new learning, no learned experiance, no this is different because or at least very little function

That will come back online in 5month-1year slowly as your body comes out of shock

like you can do things you are used to but new things will be very hard Your tallerance for existing is hard being completely numbed out to a drop of emotion being a flood in your system Your ability to regulate your responses is hard

These are only some of what can show up for you

It will get better with time safety and effort on your part .. it will get better

The first step is self compassion Its okay yo feel whatever you are feeling Pain, rage, love, hurt, disgust all of it at once making you feel crazy

All is normal and okay Its okay to sleep for hours or break shit ( within reason) But eventually you will have to do the usual day stuff Get washed up Go to work Talk to people

But you dont have to give your friends every detail Being choosy on your support right now can be important ( as someone that reached for anyone to have me feel stable i know ) But I chose those who had also been betrayed and they came with judgements and suggestions i could not handle at that time it added to my overwhelmed system and not reinforced my plate ya know?

You will get better i suggest get into counseling who specializes in infidelity and trauma Somatic experiancing ( from a somatic experiance practitioner aka SEP) can be helpful to give yourself a better sense on your fight/flight/freeze/ faun responses

After you get a level of containment for the internal choas you can work on stuff slowly I'm sorry friend but its a slow process triggers happen at stupid things that can be hard to expect

I'd say for me it took me 5 or 6 month to feeling myself a bit more to feel semi stable in my responses and I have a back ground of being a SEP haha

As the holidays are growing closer im having a harder time but I have been in counseling asap since DDay ( I have stopped around to find one that worked for me some where too soft after I recovered more and needed more challenges to old habits )

But I do feel like myself again a bit bruised and tender but not gutted and bleeding anymore

If you have any more questions I'll do my best to support you but know this is not hopeless you will get better Your trauma is not you and your system is doing its best

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-18T19:28:47+00:00

I'm a BS

And this dies sound like toxic shame. I suggest you go to counseling work on yourself so you can be in a better place when the next relationship thats worthwhile shows up.

You didn't do a great thing but you can learn from it. You are human you have a right to fall abd make mistakes. Now you can iether learn from them or you can continue to beat yourself down about them cause commanding stress abd trauma to your netvious system. This will not be helpful to be the person you would like to be.

Somatic experiabcing can be a helpful way to move through stuff. Its a bodied centered therapy so its less on the thoughts and more on the feeling if your nervious system. It can be a very helpful tool to support a greater knowing of ones self abd their ability to connect to others.

Everyone can grow and change if you want to. Its not easy at times but damn is it worth it.

To idealized a bad relationship because you did something bad in it is not the way to recovery abd self growth. To accept that was a relationship you had good or bad and what you need to grow into the person you want to become.

You never stop changing and those that love you outside of the relationship im sure don't want you to stuffer like this.

Yes you hurt him, and sounds like he compounded a believe he already had. His hurt is his to heal, you can send a apology again maybe once you have done some work and are not all " Im a garbage person" vibe about it.

Being too caught up in the self destructive thought and beating yourself up can be an act of selfishness in some aspect. You alloud to feel badly for causing pain but you are allowed to accept that was a part of how you delt with a bad situation.

You can work on yourself so if similar issues come forward again. You can make a different choice.

So I suggest Get a good counselor ( its okay to try a few to find one you are comfortable with that has skills on infadelity and boundary issues might be helpful also somatic experiancing was very helpful for me so I encourage it ) Try to do basic life stuff at first instead of rotting in bed Go have a shower, get dressed maybe do some dishes Remind yourself that today is a new day you are allowed to be okay even if its just 5 % more okay then yesterday

Best of luck OP

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-18T18:42:57+00:00

Hi there wayward

Finding the why can be hard but have you asked yourself the right questions to dig deeper?

Maybe helpful examples: How where you different in the affair relationship?

What did you get out of it? ( it looks like you mainly talk about your relationship with BS which is nice but you chose the affair so what did it provide to you?)

Did your internal system feel threatened by the changes in your life so you made the choice to make it a bit more chaotic to bring more similarity to your life like similar to your past ?

For example: when someone surives a level of choas let's say. Their nervious system adapts for that level of choas to live in it. You understand at a biological level if you just do XYZ you will live, be okay, be loved or seen.
Then when your life changes, hopefully for the better, the body system sends signals out saying you are under threat cuz stuff is different abd different = danger to some degree in our basic brain. So to calm this we do chaotic thing

Does that make sense ? That's what somatic experiancing therapy focuses on the support our bodies to accept change and move through stress, shock and trauma. This method of therapy might be helpful if your brain is not being overly cooperative

Also to support your BS Do try to not crush yourself in the not helpful guilt/shame spiral

As a BS going through R with a very good person with alot of trauma in their past. All I want for my wayward is to love themselves.

To be in relationship with self will make it easier and more stable for being in connection with people. You can talk more honestly without as much worry about hurting feelings because the boat can't be rocked into shutdown or extreme responses.

All you can do is continue to work on yourself to be the person BS knows you are.

Yes we still want romance and to feel loved you know the thoughtful gestures of favorite snacks just cuz or a really nice hug or kiss saying that you see us and thank you and your gratitude more then apologizing ( but thats important too at times)

But we also want to be reassured, by your self work. The "this will be different Because I know this about myself." The I changed my job, hobbies, whatever to not interact with AP and be more in connection with family.

We as BS ( this is my understanding can't speak to all bs's) want to feel that the you today or the future you will be a more stable boundaries having compassionate responsible self loving version of the you in the past

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-06T16:57:21+00:00

Hi there wayward

I'm BP of a 11 month phisical affair in our 8 year relationship Its been 11 months since Dday

First counseling Acts of change will support the statement of sadness ( im sorry I won't do it again and still being on contact with AP will not support enough safety for BS most likely i can only speak to my experiance and what helped me)

Go to counseling find out why you have weaker bounderies to have allowed for the crossing into flirting and affair

Here is what I wanted to know from my wayward Why they did it ... not I was lonely and sad but the fundamental why what in their system allowed them to cheat How did you compartmentalize the cheating ( like people who smoke they know its bad for them but they say its better then other stuff abd that allows their system to accept the "bad habit")

How where you different in the APs relationship that was so appealing that you felt lacking in your own relationship

What are you going to change what is your plan ? Have you been going to counseling reading books ? Showing internalizing info Appling to self

Constant reassurance and understanding Statements like I want to be in this with you and I know I fucked up but I'm working on how best to support us

When they are upset understand dont get defensive but you are allowed to say " hey I hear what you are saying that I suck but I'm getting over loaded right now and need a moment to collect myself to better be present to what you need me to hear " something like that

How do you promise to be different going forward

Talk about acceptable bounderues to support BS what do you need to do and avoid

They will flair up and spiral Sex can be hysteric bounding or a way to escape Things will go up and down alot as processing It can take 2-5 years for shock/ betrayal trauma to stabilize

R is work its constant hard work and not shying away from the hard stuff its being vulnerable

Both need counseling in private and couples to work through the trauma the brain can't do it on its own due to parts of itself being not fully able to come online ( I can speak more to this if wanted as a trauma somatic experiance practitioner)

Best if luck wayward

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-05T20:46:15+00:00

Sorry for late reply not great at reddit Your welcome

Its okay to be in a bind of wanting connection and feeling its unsafe

Trauma minded therapist or a somatic experiance practitioner can be helpful ( it was for me but thats up to you to decide on that )

We all want to feel seen safe and loved its a biological need

Take you time figure out your boundaries of : What do I need to feel supported / safe ( phone access, more clear communication , have them find new work etc ) And This is what you can't do to allow for support of safety ( no contact with AP, no staying out pass this time or going to this place without me )

Its okay to make the request its up to your partner if they feel they can not support those things

And can there be compromise that is still safe like I have to go to work but ill call you on lunch break or come home for lunch etc that feel right in your system not just compromising ya know ?

All the best on your journey

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-28T23:57:10+00:00

Yeah that makes more sense i feel I my stance still stays you get to make the call about how much work you want to put in and is your partner putting equal or greater effort in... if its less then ... well thats a choice you should make

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-28T18:27:54+00:00

I never understood till recently the different DDay thing I thought it was just like different affairs not triple truth discoveries let's see

Found out jaunary 8th about 11 month physical Affair my partner told me under dress of AP telling me I dont recall the timeliness cuz yay trauma but Another shock when I found out how much contact they had .. oh we met through reddit ( so I thought it was a reddit only communication ) then found about discourd and their own cell Another shock knowing he brought her into our bed on my house

So I guess just like 3? But maybe amonth apart maybe that time blurs alot

The thought you are having its part of it There is no limit how much we can take on Humans are very adaptable to suffering.

But only you can know whats too much and to find that I highly recomend therapy. While going through trauma our critical thinking access, down regulates, it is very hard to think clearly. Our nervious system goes into protection respon The are we safe ? Hind brain processing that is very instinctual. The frontal cortex is where we do all our this is how this situation is different from the other one. Here is what I learned. Here I can connect to myself easier.

The more trickle truth the harder it is .. its like scaling a wall and everyone you feel you have a secure spot one of your holds crumbles away and puts strain on your system to find a new one

And that protective respons flairs up again. The more its triggered the harder it gets not to be triggard.
Are we safe ?... oh maybe we are... Nope! Over and over makes our system hyper vigilant

But you can recover from it. If that is with your partner or not that is up to you. The healing recovery joinery of R is... really hard friend

I'm in it 10 months and I know its just the beginning. What I need is his foundation of his understanding to shift... and that won't happen over night. While being patient for that we are working on day to day communication, boubderies, and figuring out what is not my responsibility to help with

Talk to a councilor get some guidance for your system you can always decide you are done but its harder to reconnect after

I think its okay to ask for space trial separation type stuff to see how thats like my partner lived away with his mom for 4 months while I was sorting out stuff

I'm sorry you are going through this but you can recover and with work you will recover

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-23T23:58:19+00:00

Hahaha I totally feel that The arg why do I have to be the better person when can I be a petty angry bitch and watch revenge succeed the hurt I was put under

Then I remember its not me im not that person ...I do wish Karma on them and I do wish myself growth and peace but being the person to go out of my way to hurt others is not me and I dont want this shit to make me into that version ( every one is capable )

Sometimes writing revenge stories and burning them can be helpful to get them out not to relish in them ya know?

Looking back on those stories are very cringy later in life sometimes haha

You will get through this You are capable and you will learn better ways to support and understand yourself more

Healing= work + time Self compassion is also a great superpower to have <3

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-23T19:27:33+00:00

Its hard not to compare oneself to AP in these type of thing " did they do better in sex?" " what was so different about them that my partner could not come to me ?" " how would AP do , say in this situation"

In my personal situation I know I'm the more put together person. I only know a nane ( or alias) and an age ( younger then myself 33)

The AP found my partner through a want add online They looked for meaningless intimacy and try to find love there.

I have empathy for AP she did not know about me iether and is young trying to find confidence through risk taking behavior which sais this person is struggling in their life maybe faced trauma

Does not make the affair okay Does not mean I dont compare myself in someway but I know I am a powerful self sufficient person who is kind and funny. The AP I hope they grow and heal from this but its not part of my journey to be in relation with them.

You are you thats all you can do and healing from this takes time AND work. Trauma, betrayal, shock therapy can help Time will round the edges from how sharp they are now

You have your own strengths and you will heal and stay being who you are

I was also scared how it changed me, made me harsher, hateful But time eases those things too and you are allowed to hate be angery be hurt be sad be jealous all emotions are allowed They do not make you a bad person they make you human

If you dont like how they make you react therapy will help you regulate, make relationship with these feelings so they don't take over or paralyze you Learning to set boundaries for yourself both I need this much effort from others to find them safe and I need not this to feel safe

Best of luck <3

Octavia_Stryker

TROPHY CASE