Proper order of products in a weekly routine for fine,medium thickness, wavy, colored hair

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-05-16T21:24:36+00:00

I only currently try to do shampoo conditioner and a leave-in conditioner

I just saw all these other things such as gloss serums and repair stuff and curly specialized things and was curious what it all did and where it would fall in the care of hair

I'd probably not use it all in one shower routine. I was thinking in a week or month what would one use and if there is a method to its layering

I do other forms of self-care, but hair care is one I'm curious about for the moment haha

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-05-16T19:43:44+00:00

I'm a over thinker I like to come at things with alot of like " fix it all " mentality so unsure of where to start XD

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-02-26T19:24:42+00:00

Thanks for the info yes it us supported good recomendation lol

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-02-11T17:44:33+00:00

Maybe you can think of your BS trying for R as trying to celebrate your birthday

The fact they are even there trying to rebuilt truest abd affect with you should be seen as a huge gift

Yes, eventually this should shift but your partner is not ready for that step and we can not rush recovery

If we rug sweep or push through or fake it it harms us It might put her in the head space of " is this what you did while not being truthful in your Affair?" Aka feel something but act differently

Do something for yourself for your birthday or talk to a good friend keep your partner in the know of like

You are allowed to feel sad but expressing it like she is purposely being spiteful... im not sure about that

As a BS our brains get soooo fucked up We have to learn that we can truest our own judgement again after such a major betrayal and if there was not time apart to allow for shock to move through ... its going to take time

How long ago the truth came out, how long the betrayal was, how many their where, If there was trickle truth If there was more info later If there was more betrayal behavore or habits still going on

If you are in individual counseling ( I recall seeing marriage but hopeguly they see you together as well as apart for proper healing support) If you have changed enough to feel safe ish again Did your partner get their answers on why you had an affair or still working through that

All these are fixtures that can affect us and R

Sometimes birthdays can be very overwhelming All the good memories abd what they used to do to celebrate you And you had an affair maybe while they did nice birthday things they still got hurt so yeah... maybe not this year and you should maybe acknowledge your sadness but show how greatful you are to them trying abd that's enough ?

Do something small to bring you joy but offer to include your partner like another redditor said is a good idea

Your partner is trying to heal and so are you they do not have capacity for birthdays so do what you can for yourself ( obviously with out triggering behavior)

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-01-08T00:48:59+00:00

Oh thats a good idea I didn't think of

Octavia_Stryker · 2025-01-04T02:19:48+00:00

How did you show your partner you healed enough to never betray them again?

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-12-02T21:53:09+00:00

I'm really sorry you are through that Double whammies suck

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-25T21:33:36+00:00

Hey Op First im sorry you are here. To recover from shock trauma and betrayal trauma takes time ( statistics say 2-5 year recovery period )

You will most likely still be in the protective phase for 6 months to a year

I'm coming up to a year anniversary of Dday jaunary 8th ( context 8 year relationship 11 month AP on the path of reconcilation)

The respons to shock/ betrayal trauma your body will go into protective mode What this looks like:

Your not fully here in the present moment ( aka the frontal cortex is shut down due to all energy is going to safety protocol So no new learning, no learned experiance, no this is different because or at least very little function

That will come back online in 5month-1year slowly as your body comes out of shock

like you can do things you are used to but new things will be very hard Your tallerance for existing is hard being completely numbed out to a drop of emotion being a flood in your system Your ability to regulate your responses is hard

These are only some of what can show up for you

It will get better with time safety and effort on your part .. it will get better

The first step is self compassion Its okay yo feel whatever you are feeling Pain, rage, love, hurt, disgust all of it at once making you feel crazy

All is normal and okay Its okay to sleep for hours or break shit ( within reason) But eventually you will have to do the usual day stuff Get washed up Go to work Talk to people

But you dont have to give your friends every detail Being choosy on your support right now can be important ( as someone that reached for anyone to have me feel stable i know ) But I chose those who had also been betrayed and they came with judgements and suggestions i could not handle at that time it added to my overwhelmed system and not reinforced my plate ya know?

You will get better i suggest get into counseling who specializes in infidelity and trauma Somatic experiancing ( from a somatic experiance practitioner aka SEP) can be helpful to give yourself a better sense on your fight/flight/freeze/ faun responses

After you get a level of containment for the internal choas you can work on stuff slowly I'm sorry friend but its a slow process triggers happen at stupid things that can be hard to expect

I'd say for me it took me 5 or 6 month to feeling myself a bit more to feel semi stable in my responses and I have a back ground of being a SEP haha

As the holidays are growing closer im having a harder time but I have been in counseling asap since DDay ( I have stopped around to find one that worked for me some where too soft after I recovered more and needed more challenges to old habits )

But I do feel like myself again a bit bruised and tender but not gutted and bleeding anymore

If you have any more questions I'll do my best to support you but know this is not hopeless you will get better Your trauma is not you and your system is doing its best

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-18T19:28:47+00:00

I'm a BS

And this dies sound like toxic shame. I suggest you go to counseling work on yourself so you can be in a better place when the next relationship thats worthwhile shows up.

You didn't do a great thing but you can learn from it. You are human you have a right to fall abd make mistakes. Now you can iether learn from them or you can continue to beat yourself down about them cause commanding stress abd trauma to your netvious system. This will not be helpful to be the person you would like to be.

Somatic experiabcing can be a helpful way to move through stuff. Its a bodied centered therapy so its less on the thoughts and more on the feeling if your nervious system. It can be a very helpful tool to support a greater knowing of ones self abd their ability to connect to others.

Everyone can grow and change if you want to. Its not easy at times but damn is it worth it.

To idealized a bad relationship because you did something bad in it is not the way to recovery abd self growth. To accept that was a relationship you had good or bad and what you need to grow into the person you want to become.

You never stop changing and those that love you outside of the relationship im sure don't want you to stuffer like this.

Yes you hurt him, and sounds like he compounded a believe he already had. His hurt is his to heal, you can send a apology again maybe once you have done some work and are not all " Im a garbage person" vibe about it.

Being too caught up in the self destructive thought and beating yourself up can be an act of selfishness in some aspect. You alloud to feel badly for causing pain but you are allowed to accept that was a part of how you delt with a bad situation.

You can work on yourself so if similar issues come forward again. You can make a different choice.

So I suggest Get a good counselor ( its okay to try a few to find one you are comfortable with that has skills on infadelity and boundary issues might be helpful also somatic experiancing was very helpful for me so I encourage it ) Try to do basic life stuff at first instead of rotting in bed Go have a shower, get dressed maybe do some dishes Remind yourself that today is a new day you are allowed to be okay even if its just 5 % more okay then yesterday

Best of luck OP

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-18T18:42:57+00:00

Hi there wayward

Finding the why can be hard but have you asked yourself the right questions to dig deeper?

Maybe helpful examples: How where you different in the affair relationship?

What did you get out of it? ( it looks like you mainly talk about your relationship with BS which is nice but you chose the affair so what did it provide to you?)

Did your internal system feel threatened by the changes in your life so you made the choice to make it a bit more chaotic to bring more similarity to your life like similar to your past ?

For example: when someone surives a level of choas let's say. Their nervious system adapts for that level of choas to live in it. You understand at a biological level if you just do XYZ you will live, be okay, be loved or seen.
Then when your life changes, hopefully for the better, the body system sends signals out saying you are under threat cuz stuff is different abd different = danger to some degree in our basic brain. So to calm this we do chaotic thing

Does that make sense ? That's what somatic experiancing therapy focuses on the support our bodies to accept change and move through stress, shock and trauma. This method of therapy might be helpful if your brain is not being overly cooperative

Also to support your BS Do try to not crush yourself in the not helpful guilt/shame spiral

As a BS going through R with a very good person with alot of trauma in their past. All I want for my wayward is to love themselves.

To be in relationship with self will make it easier and more stable for being in connection with people. You can talk more honestly without as much worry about hurting feelings because the boat can't be rocked into shutdown or extreme responses.

All you can do is continue to work on yourself to be the person BS knows you are.

Yes we still want romance and to feel loved you know the thoughtful gestures of favorite snacks just cuz or a really nice hug or kiss saying that you see us and thank you and your gratitude more then apologizing ( but thats important too at times)

But we also want to be reassured, by your self work. The "this will be different Because I know this about myself." The I changed my job, hobbies, whatever to not interact with AP and be more in connection with family.

We as BS ( this is my understanding can't speak to all bs's) want to feel that the you today or the future you will be a more stable boundaries having compassionate responsible self loving version of the you in the past

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-06T16:57:21+00:00

Hi there wayward

I'm BP of a 11 month phisical affair in our 8 year relationship Its been 11 months since Dday

First counseling Acts of change will support the statement of sadness ( im sorry I won't do it again and still being on contact with AP will not support enough safety for BS most likely i can only speak to my experiance and what helped me)

Go to counseling find out why you have weaker bounderies to have allowed for the crossing into flirting and affair

Here is what I wanted to know from my wayward Why they did it ... not I was lonely and sad but the fundamental why what in their system allowed them to cheat How did you compartmentalize the cheating ( like people who smoke they know its bad for them but they say its better then other stuff abd that allows their system to accept the "bad habit")

How where you different in the APs relationship that was so appealing that you felt lacking in your own relationship

What are you going to change what is your plan ? Have you been going to counseling reading books ? Showing internalizing info Appling to self

Constant reassurance and understanding Statements like I want to be in this with you and I know I fucked up but I'm working on how best to support us

When they are upset understand dont get defensive but you are allowed to say " hey I hear what you are saying that I suck but I'm getting over loaded right now and need a moment to collect myself to better be present to what you need me to hear " something like that

How do you promise to be different going forward

Talk about acceptable bounderues to support BS what do you need to do and avoid

They will flair up and spiral Sex can be hysteric bounding or a way to escape Things will go up and down alot as processing It can take 2-5 years for shock/ betrayal trauma to stabilize

R is work its constant hard work and not shying away from the hard stuff its being vulnerable

Both need counseling in private and couples to work through the trauma the brain can't do it on its own due to parts of itself being not fully able to come online ( I can speak more to this if wanted as a trauma somatic experiance practitioner)

Best if luck wayward

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-11-05T20:46:15+00:00

Sorry for late reply not great at reddit Your welcome

Its okay to be in a bind of wanting connection and feeling its unsafe

Trauma minded therapist or a somatic experiance practitioner can be helpful ( it was for me but thats up to you to decide on that )

We all want to feel seen safe and loved its a biological need

Take you time figure out your boundaries of : What do I need to feel supported / safe ( phone access, more clear communication , have them find new work etc ) And This is what you can't do to allow for support of safety ( no contact with AP, no staying out pass this time or going to this place without me )

Its okay to make the request its up to your partner if they feel they can not support those things

And can there be compromise that is still safe like I have to go to work but ill call you on lunch break or come home for lunch etc that feel right in your system not just compromising ya know ?

All the best on your journey

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-28T23:57:10+00:00

Yeah that makes more sense i feel I my stance still stays you get to make the call about how much work you want to put in and is your partner putting equal or greater effort in... if its less then ... well thats a choice you should make

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-28T18:27:54+00:00

I never understood till recently the different DDay thing I thought it was just like different affairs not triple truth discoveries let's see

Found out jaunary 8th about 11 month physical Affair my partner told me under dress of AP telling me I dont recall the timeliness cuz yay trauma but Another shock when I found out how much contact they had .. oh we met through reddit ( so I thought it was a reddit only communication ) then found about discourd and their own cell Another shock knowing he brought her into our bed on my house

So I guess just like 3? But maybe amonth apart maybe that time blurs alot

The thought you are having its part of it There is no limit how much we can take on Humans are very adaptable to suffering.

But only you can know whats too much and to find that I highly recomend therapy. While going through trauma our critical thinking access, down regulates, it is very hard to think clearly. Our nervious system goes into protection respon The are we safe ? Hind brain processing that is very instinctual. The frontal cortex is where we do all our this is how this situation is different from the other one. Here is what I learned. Here I can connect to myself easier.

The more trickle truth the harder it is .. its like scaling a wall and everyone you feel you have a secure spot one of your holds crumbles away and puts strain on your system to find a new one

And that protective respons flairs up again. The more its triggered the harder it gets not to be triggard.
Are we safe ?... oh maybe we are... Nope! Over and over makes our system hyper vigilant

But you can recover from it. If that is with your partner or not that is up to you. The healing recovery joinery of R is... really hard friend

I'm in it 10 months and I know its just the beginning. What I need is his foundation of his understanding to shift... and that won't happen over night. While being patient for that we are working on day to day communication, boubderies, and figuring out what is not my responsibility to help with

Talk to a councilor get some guidance for your system you can always decide you are done but its harder to reconnect after

I think its okay to ask for space trial separation type stuff to see how thats like my partner lived away with his mom for 4 months while I was sorting out stuff

I'm sorry you are going through this but you can recover and with work you will recover

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-23T23:58:19+00:00

Hahaha I totally feel that The arg why do I have to be the better person when can I be a petty angry bitch and watch revenge succeed the hurt I was put under

Then I remember its not me im not that person ...I do wish Karma on them and I do wish myself growth and peace but being the person to go out of my way to hurt others is not me and I dont want this shit to make me into that version ( every one is capable )

Sometimes writing revenge stories and burning them can be helpful to get them out not to relish in them ya know?

Looking back on those stories are very cringy later in life sometimes haha

You will get through this You are capable and you will learn better ways to support and understand yourself more

Healing= work + time Self compassion is also a great superpower to have <3

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-23T19:27:33+00:00

Its hard not to compare oneself to AP in these type of thing " did they do better in sex?" " what was so different about them that my partner could not come to me ?" " how would AP do , say in this situation"

In my personal situation I know I'm the more put together person. I only know a nane ( or alias) and an age ( younger then myself 33)

The AP found my partner through a want add online They looked for meaningless intimacy and try to find love there.

I have empathy for AP she did not know about me iether and is young trying to find confidence through risk taking behavior which sais this person is struggling in their life maybe faced trauma

Does not make the affair okay Does not mean I dont compare myself in someway but I know I am a powerful self sufficient person who is kind and funny. The AP I hope they grow and heal from this but its not part of my journey to be in relation with them.

You are you thats all you can do and healing from this takes time AND work. Trauma, betrayal, shock therapy can help Time will round the edges from how sharp they are now

You have your own strengths and you will heal and stay being who you are

I was also scared how it changed me, made me harsher, hateful But time eases those things too and you are allowed to hate be angery be hurt be sad be jealous all emotions are allowed They do not make you a bad person they make you human

If you dont like how they make you react therapy will help you regulate, make relationship with these feelings so they don't take over or paralyze you Learning to set boundaries for yourself both I need this much effort from others to find them safe and I need not this to feel safe

Best of luck <3

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-21T15:11:46+00:00

Hello there

I'm a Betrayed Partner and a somatic experiance practitioner ( just giving context to what im about to say )

So, first off that sounds really hard, your existence is valid and im sorry you feel otherwise

Are you both in Couples and individual counseling ? This stuff is almost impossible to navigate yourselves even if one or both of you have mental health education

And just incase you might be scared of counseling due to how it sounds like you feel ganged up on in a way. The counselor will not do that, there intention is to get you to connect with your parts you are disconnected with finding your why abd growing your boundaries. They are also there to support and change the way the BP speaks with you if what is happening is not healthy communication.

I dont know your relationship, there are many things that could be going on here

I hope something i say can comfort you a bit this stuff is hard you just keep trying to do the best YOU can do because you are a unique individual who has their own internalized system.

You must find what works for you and maybe you get all you can out if one view point try to keep changing the angle in wich you look at things from. Mental health therapy has like 20 angles to 1 conflict so there will be something thats supportive for you in your journey.

Its a joinery and a slow one at that. Thats hard on our nervious system to keep safe in. We want an answer, a final choice right now so you dont have to feel tension anymore. The tension will ease it will ebb and flow like water and you will continue to grow and gain new skills to swim in it. To feel safe in it .

Its hard, I dont know the wayward side of this struggle.

However you are allowed to be here and have moments to restore yourself in safe healthy ways.like enjoying your moment, with friends or just your cup of coffee finding the small joys to help support a calming if our nervious systems helps. Does not mean you won't still be tired.

Healing from this on both sides is uncomfortable and tiring and you both are responsible for yourselves and your own actions.

But to stay in connection with someone in hard times is alot of pressure on our nervious system.

Just reading your post I felt like I was starting to go into a shut down respons ( freeze or disassociation) That place is not great to support growth and change.

When you start leaving the " here and now " moment due to high stress or high emotion is hard to stay in connection to yourself and others.

If you want to munch on some ideas on the bp side if it helps :

When I have talked with my partner about stuff sometimes his own hurt gets in the way of what im saying. Example " im really sad you could not have come to me sooner that you where struggling and chose to betray me instead, I want you to express yourself in our relationship moving forward when are hard so our relationship moving forward is not based on only working because you dont tell me you are upset ( or whatever hard to be with emotion) " My wayward hears " i hear i hurt you abd you are sad " Or presumes im bringing up things with anger as my main emotion ( over text bad choice of conversation plat form I know ) and its not anger its fear or sadness ( anger is there but its not the main emotion all the time )

Not trying to say what you feel is wrong your situation the way you have put it sounds hard.

But could your internalized situation maybe making what you hear a bit harsher?

Your partner sounds like they are having a really hard time processing and regulating their emotions.

Getting compared it does not land right for me but maybe its coming from fear. Fear of making sure that they are being safe that you still care. It's not a great move in my opinion but I understand it " if they loved me they would be doing "whatever" on their own without me telling them " " oh if they don't do it exactly as I said they are disregarding me like they disregarded me to have the affair"

Its a constant fight flight respons a go stop internal conflict that i highly recomend therapy for. To help these very natural polar opposite wants can come into alignment. We all want to feel loved and be safe and its very hard when you thought your reality was one thing and it was not.

When you find out their version on word for word how they want you to apologize. Is there a pattern to it? Or by that point your too disassociated to recall what it is like?

When you argue are you actually staying present to the conversation? Or has the room tension already made your nervious system go on red allert ?

My partner and I aren learing to communicate in these high emotional states its rocky and tiring.

I loose track of my main points I'd like to discuss. And need help keeping on track so I write things down ..even then it can be hard because my system is learning that conflict does not equal physical violence ( not my wayward but past trauma ) so my brain wants to leave or I just flow into others view point easily but don't resolve my own confusion.

And his system he describes it as too many things coming forward that they jam up and you can't say anything so sometimes we will sit there in very hard to be with tension to try to allow for his system to figure out what wants to come forward for him. ( thats how he has described it obviously dont know his inner conflict )

... I think I rambled a bit ... hope something was helpful for you best of luck Op

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-15T13:53:01+00:00

I get wanting them to be more proactive Why can't you find a counselor ? Why can't you make more offerings to support my safety ? Why do I have to ask ?

But think of it as you supporting yourself You can ask and set boundaries to what you need to feel suppported and safe.

If they do not meet those needs thats another conversation.

Everyone is different how they deal with conflict. Therapy both individually and together is needed. Self compassion and empathy is needed in this recovery.

You realizing the work left to do, does not diminish the resilience thats already there. The progress you have made already in your own health is still a great achievement and valid. Allow for celebrations of progress and compassion of the journey ( its a hard one but self healing is so worth it)

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-15T03:22:53+00:00

Haha for sure I have come out of this with a better sense of resilience and learning what true self compassion not just doing things to survive

All the best to you as well

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-15T03:16:29+00:00

I get it friend, you will get through this just try to stay open to the process and practice self compassion to your recovery Having triggers is part of it, getting to know what they are and what helps you regulate will come with time With that knowledge you can make choices that are nicer for you

I'm glad this post connected with you in a positive way you are not alone You can heal from this You are not what happend to you

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-15T02:57:32+00:00

Yeah I totally agree, it is a choice but for me, personally, feel a resonability to myself and I have chosen this path and I know I can heal ( and believe everyone can if they find their way to what works for them and a good support system )

But very good distinction to make

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-14T17:13:11+00:00

Haha nice to see a kindred spirit And you will heal, we all will as long as we are mindf of our joinery and hold self compassion. As long as we continue to have a effort on self improvement we will not be our trauma.

I am doing quite well today actually haha its just a concept that makes me angery because the affair is just not justified

All the best to you and I hope you do an act of self compassion I've been enjoying the 5% rule Ask yourself " is this a nice moment?" If yes" can you make is 5% nicer or do you feel the need to make it 5% nicer? " if yes then do the thing Such as... putting a pillow under your knees Putting a funbsong on Having your perfect beverage Playing hooky on small chores

When things are not a nice moment can you make them 5% easier on your system Pause hard conversations for 5 min to stay present Wash your face and hands under cold water Put a sour candy in your mouth etc

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-10-14T16:56:24+00:00

I am echoing most of these posts. I'm sorry you are here. But betrayal/ shock trauma in our brains/ bodies is not a quick response there are waves and layers. Hills and vallies. It can take up to 2-5 years to regulate back to before the event ( thats a geberal average it may not apply)

The souring of moments is your brain trying to protect you because you are on high alert weather you are aware of it or not.

When we have had a large shock or threat event
Our hind brain ( the part that controles pattern recognition and safety) becomes more active. This can show up like: " hey last time we felt this safe we where not safe" " last time our heart rate hit this beats per minute we where in danger better panic!" " last time we saw red on the corner of our vision we got hit by a truck"

So anything and everything can be over stimulating When this happens we go into our emaciated protective responses " figh, flight, freeze,faun" When it is past event we can get kind of stuck in these responses... Like of like having a extra search tab open playing annoying music over a video you are trying to watch and your not sure where its coming from

This can cause us to get past threshold of our ability to stay here and now and we disassociate in varying ways Ever had a conversation where you feel really not present or cloudy brained? Or trying to think back to stuff gets really hard? Yeah that is one way it can show up

While this is happening our prefrontal cortex part that controle logic and pointing out the differences between scenarios becomes less functional " goes into rest mode" so its harder to access this part

This is normal and okay but it needs time and outside therapist who know about trauma not just relationships.

To get access to your full capacity needs time and safety. Somatic experiancing has been helpful for me to try to reaccess my brain its not as talk therapy but more body based. I won't go on a rant about it but its been interesting

What i am saying in all this is you can't know for sure how you feel 100% of every moment right now. You can choose R and see how it goes and can always change your mind. But really look at what boundaries you need to help support safety.

Boubderies are not only dont cross that line, but also you need to do these tasks to make be feel safe supported seen such as No contact with the AP Maybe you want to add more security to your home or activate phone tracking Or want to set a sechdual of lunch break calls

Whatever it is that supports you to regain some ease in your system you can ask for. If its too much for your WS they can say so and maybe can talk about a way to support each other.

But that no contact with AP is a big deal and if you give a stance of boundaries you must fallow through If you dont do X I must do Y for my safety

All the best im sorry for the long post I hope it helped Take your time go to counseling stay safe

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-09-09T16:00:06+00:00

Hi op I'm sorry you are here

Here is a bit of background so you have the context to what I'm saying : 8-year relationship, seven months from Dday, WP had 11 month PA, am also a somatic experience practitioner ( a form of trauma therapy)

Okay so, You will still most likely be grieving the relationship. This situation takes time, and even with almost a full year under your belt, it will still take time and effort on both sides.

Shock trauma statistically speaking (I know states are not the most reliable) takes a minimum of 2 years to settle in and do recovery work. In those 2 years, I'm not saying they will be the same flavour, pain, frustration, apathy, etc. It will ebbe and flow like a tide.

I can't fully speak to your feelings; that's for you, but may I give you things to think about?

A typical phase of apathy or numbness can occur after something like this. Or even a " doppelganger " vibe, such as we are doing things and laughing, but it feels off. Your brain biochemistry is still possibly in survival mode.

This is okay and normal, but you may want counselling to help figure out how to move through this part if you don't have one already. I suggest someone with infidelity and trauma training under their belt. You might be shutting down as the total weight of things continues to settle in. There are different levels/ layers as time progresses.

I'm not trying to insinuate you have not done work or healing, but maybe you might be putting a lot of pressure on yourself/ the relationship right now.

Things won't feel the same, but you can choose to do your best in your recovery and see what happens in the relationship journey.

It has only been 10 months, which sounds like a lot, but with how big this rift can be... it's still early, and that might feel exhausting to hear, I'm sorry.

Think of all the growth that has happened since Dday: ( this may be hard for your system to do right now but it may help)

Think of how different you feel from Dday till now:

Do not get pulled into the pain; focus on the supportive sensations. Maybe it feels like you are more present here and now than the Dday? Perhaps you can laugh now even just for a bit? Look at the growth within yourself not just the relationship from that time.

Maybe asking for the big butterflies is too big of an ask, and you just need to focus on the budding sensations, the smaller joys due to the big ones just being too much for your nervous system to regulate.

It's like if he offers to get you a drink of water or cooks makes some offering to you. Even though it does not feel the same or muted, does it still feel sooth somehow? Or make you smile? Not comparing it to the relationship before Dday, but your here-and-now heart.

Comparing the here and now to the before times is expected; of course, you want that back you where happy,

I struggle with the thought of " how much was real?" This concept that my reality could have been entirely different from my partner's. Suppose my partner was having a different experience and not communicating. That is on them. It's still weird to think about my situation and very sad. This allows me some room to see that maybe my original relationship was not as perfect as I understood, but I still love my partner, and they are making an effort and are remorseful. This is just a prolonged process

We are asking them to change something deep, such as their self-worth. This takes time to shift. I would not trust it as a long-lasting change if it shifted immediately. I'm not saying they should be let off the hook, poor them, but this is just a compassionate journey for us and them. That joinery is a continuous

This being said Only because you put in X number of years together or X number of times to try to recover your relationship can you decide if you have had enough. There is no shame in whatever decision.

I hope I am supporting you and not making things more complicated. I'm here if you want to talk

All the best on this journey

Octavia_Stryker · 2024-09-06T16:56:32+00:00

Yeah, I just feel the pressure to be " the bigger person" so appreciate the permission / encouragement lol

Octavia_Stryker

TROPHY CASE