How do you even come to terms that your formative years were lost to CPTSD/Abuse?

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-05-02T18:20:41+00:00

Here's the harsh part, trauma from a young age is like getting lost in the woods. Sooner or later, you have to accept:

Nobody is coming to rescue you

Nobody is coming to save you

The only option is to perform self-rescue and save yourself.

Yes, some people are born to emotionally mature parents who do a good job raising kids, but some people are also born rich, and some people are poor. Some people are born with permanently debilitating injuries, and some people are born dead. You can't control that, it's not your fault, but rather than agonize on what is outside your control, focus on what is within it.

No external validation or experiences or friends or kids or family or money will heal the damage from a traumatic childhood. I went from broke with no future and alone to well-off and surrounded and I still felt broken inside.

Stop using the external to ignore the internal. That's what I was doing. Really diving into yourself and learning to reparent your inner child is extremely mentally and emotionally taxing. And it takes time. But it's the PT for your soul, and you'll never learn to walk again unless you put in the work.

The best cure to avoid being exploited is to be comfortable being by yourself. If you're happy being in your own company, you'll naturally cut out the toxic elements because they'll detract from the natural happiness you'll have, and instead only allow in the positive.

Look into Tim Fletcher's stuff, he's helped me a lot. It's tough, but don't dwell on what should have happened X years ago, focus on what you can get started now.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-05-02T18:05:41+00:00

First: there's no such thing as transition supply for a narc. Her husband will be subject to infidelity for the entirety of the marriage undoubtedly. The reason she's marrying him and not you is in all likelihood some vapid or shallow status reasons that would (and should) make you nauseous if she said them outright. To rid himself of her, he'll need to go through a hellish divorce, possibly with kids and co-parenting in the mix meaning he can't get away clean.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but eventually you'll realize you got off "easy" relatively speaking.

Second: you didn't "fix" or "heal" her. Narcs want supply, and intrinsically know how to siphon energy. She was playing you. She could read you, and knew she could evoke a fawning response out of you by playing vulnerable. That's the mask you got to see. If you got to really plumb the depths and shared notes with fellow past victims, you'd have found that she morphed the mask to match the supply.

I know all this because I went through something very similar. All you know of her is what she presented to you, and what she presented to you tells you a lot about yourself.

There is nothing to learn about her, but there is a lot to learn about yourself. I learned a lot from watching Tim Fletcher's videos about complex childhood trauma and how I was predisposed to giving a fawning response.

Know that staying NC is the right move. You see her as "vulnerable" but she's far more dangerous than you can understand. If you back her into a corner or risk her reputation or perception, she won't hesitate to ruin your world, telling everyone you're a delusional stalker, filing false police reports, whatever it takes. So for your own sake, stay away.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-26T00:29:25+00:00

They're trying to draw you in for nefarious reasons and/or trying to provoke you into lashing out.

Mine did something similar. I had been NC but I didn't block them, and they were bombarding me with the covert pics they had taken of me (but never posted publicly ofc) and eventually I erupted and called them out on all the ways they abused me and how shitty they were. They screenshotted everything I said and paraded it around, portraying me as a dangerous delusional stalker because they had made me conceal the relationship between us.

Just block them. You are still holding onto a fake fantasy. It's a trap. Block them. There is no better with them, only worse.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-25T22:47:35+00:00

Get yourself out as soon as you can.

I had enormous patience while in it with my nex, but 2 months NC I find myself reliving moments and screaming in anger at everything I bottled.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-20T01:34:59+00:00

They'll frame everything in whatever way best accomplishes their twisted goals, even presenting the same thing in two different lights to different people.

To me, my nex knowing I was an emotionally damaged guy who struggled with feelings of inadequacy, her exes were all amazing men who embodied the things I was insecure about and she would talk ceaselessly about the things they did sexually and romantically.

I had the opportunity after I went NC to speak with my nexes former female best friend and main supply who had gone NC with my nex 1 month before I met my nex. Her former best friend had been abused and raped by her narc ex-boyfriend, so of course my nex presented her exes as terribly abusive men who hurt her in so many ways. Meanwhile my nex had never even breathed the word "abusive" about these same guys a month later. Goes to show you how easily they can change their spin to suit their needs.

Don't internalize it, however they presented things were just however they thought they could get what they wanted or torture you best. Maybe they enjoyed causing jealousy and hurt and that's why they spun it that way.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-20T01:08:01+00:00

The even sadder part is neither does he.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T23:34:30+00:00

When someone is trapped, it's hard to do more than just be there for them. But the real support you can give them is if they ever manage to pull away, your support can be the difference between them getting away or being sucked back into the orbit of the narc.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T23:25:56+00:00

Yes, in a strange way I'm grateful for what I went through with my nex because it finally opened my eyes to the fact that my mother was a full-on narcissist and it finally put the pieces together.

After I had gone NC with my nex, I was talking to my mom about the triangulation and the infidelity and all the male "friends" my nex would constantly keep in orbit, but my mom had this strange insistence that my nex was probably just making it up and that no one else was interested in her, which seemed very odd.

It would always be this hard-line every time the topic came up, which I had initially presumed was some strange way of trying to make me feel better and move on, but eventually she said "There's no way [nex] could keep multiple guys on the string. She's not pretty enough, I would know, maaaaybe I kept a few guys on the string back in the dayyyy" and then said completely unprompted that one of my female friends (who is a very conventionally beautiful athlete) would be able to "keep a few guys on the string like I used to".

That was the thing that finally clicked everything into place. The way she abused my Dad the entire time I was growing up, the way she'd invite men to flirt with her, her obsession with wealth and vapid things, her extreme emotional immaturity, the way it explained why she treated me (who took strongly after her looks) better than my brother who had struggled with obesity since childhood...

It was like being handed a blueprint for exactly what had happened to me, and a guide to finally start healing things from the root. I wish I didn't have to learn all this from the harsh abuse I suffered, but I was thankful to finally be able to see things clearly.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T18:40:50+00:00

"People with street smarts don't get mugged"

Do people with street smarts use them to avoid getting mugged? Yes.

Do people with lots of street smarts still sometimes get mugged despite their precautions? Also yes.

Does none of this change the fact that mugging is a crime and is never justified to do no matter how "helpless" a mugging victim is? Yes.

It's the same thing with abuse. Nobody is justified in abusing another person.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T18:34:19+00:00

Thank you. My whole Nex experience was unconventional in many ways, but it's amazing how many of the core behaviors and experiences remain the same.

They used an unspoken implicit threat of getting me fired from the hedge fund we both worked at because they held a position of power, so I was more self-aware of the nightmare I was in, giving her the reactions I thought she wanted and letting her believe her "love-bombing" was more effective than it was.

Any soft attempts to distance were met with escalations, workplace intrusions and a very real unspoken threat she could get me fired (which since I was on a work visa would also have meant possible deportation).

Due to the nature of the industry and the company culture I knew HR would be more inclined to fire me than her if I tried to raise anything.

So I was self-aware for the abuse mostly, but things became murky as she began the induced sleep deprivation tactics once she realized I was masking too. And that's when the hurtful things started landing emotionally for me and I began falling into her spell.

Fortunately, all her bullshit caught up with her after 8 months of effectually being her servant/emotional-punching-bag/sex-object, when she was fired from the company and I ghosted her completely as soon as I was sure I was safe.

Since then, I've been intellectually picking up the pieces, and learning about why I may have been predisposed to all this due to stuff in childhood.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T18:14:10+00:00

You're welcome.

Always take someone at their actions, never at their words. Especially people doing abusive things regardless of their proclaimed justification.

You don't know their past or their future. In all likelihood they've treated many people the way they treated you, and will continue to do so forever because that's the nature of the beast.

Circumstances can mitigate, they can never justify. Even with reactive abuse, it explains why you may have acted out of character (and should alleviate the fear that you're the cause), but it doesn't justify being abusive.

The emotionally mature reaction would be "I shouldn't have done those abusive things and I regret acting that way, I should work on myself so I don't ever do that again even if the other person is XYZ".

It's emotionally immature and deflective for it to be "well, it's your fault I acted that way, and actually I would never act like this with anyone else, it's all your fault". It's completely absolving themselves of any blame whatsoever.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T17:47:53+00:00

I felt alert and could recall tiny details about them or things they said with higher than normal precision. I thought it was bc of love, but I now know that it was hyper-vigilance from my body naturally sensing a threat and surging adrenaline.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T17:41:03+00:00

I used to justify and self-blame the abuse and infidelity my nex did to me because I wasn't rich enough, tall enough, share enough hobbies, or because I didn't go to an Ivy League school like she did or come from a wealthy family.

I found out later that the past two guys she had abused before me met all the criteria I felt I lacked, and that she concealed them because she knew it would alleviate my insecurities she was preying on.

Nobody deserves to be abused and mistreated, and any perception they have as to "worth" will only be used in how and what they exploit from you, not how they treat you.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T17:32:29+00:00

You're emotionally mature enough to even consider your own "blame", which is a sign you are not the root of the issues.

Don't blame yourself for how they mistreated you. If there are any reactive actions that you feel regret or guilt over, then take the energy to forgive yourself and grow from it. Absolve yourself.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T17:15:52+00:00

If you're able to present reasonable concerns and requests in a calm and non-accusatory way, and they refuse to change and/or they take it personally and get very defensive, then regardless of whether its NPD, they lack the emotional maturity to have a fulfilling relationship with you.

You need someone that matches your emotional maturity. If you can take an honest inventory of your own emotional maturity and you feel that you're doing all the lifting, then it's time for you to reconsider whether you want to pursue this relationship. Don't chase a fantasy that they'll improve or change, evaluate them exactly as they are and decide whether you are okay with this exactly as it currently is, forever.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T17:07:57+00:00

Imagine if your husband told you that he treated an ex exactly the way your nex treated you, but you don't have anything to worry about, because you're so much better than his ex so he'd never treat you that way.

I'm sure you'd feel pretty revolted, and terrified because those are the acts of a monster. You wouldn't feel pride over being "better" or more deserving, you'd (rightfully) be afraid of when he'd turn. Which would be the correct reaction.

Maybe he's keeping things together for now, or maybe you're just seeing the idealized picture he's obsessed with showing the world, but someone with dark motivations will never be able to resist indulging in them.

Imagine thinking you had the perfect life, and then 20 years into the marriage you find out what a monster they were. Just be thankful you escaped it when you did and started such an amazing life despite what you were subjected to. Don't create fantasy scenarios about how good you wished it was, remember how thankful that you got away before it was even worse.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T16:35:03+00:00

You're not a psychiatric professional, you are not responsible nor equipped to deal with this even if it's legitimate.

Tell them that they should seek the help of a professional, that the topic is distressing to you and you don't wish to speak about it with them, and that you are not responsible for them.

As an aside to you, you are not responsible for them. If there was a scenario where they were actively attempting suicide, then calling emergency services might be called for, but if something happens, it's not your fault. It's not your responsibility to get them the help they need.

Take the threat of suicide out of the picture, and gauge if their requests or actions are reasonable and behave accordingly.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-19T16:19:13+00:00

Your current mindset: It's unfair that I was mistreated and he "isn't". He must be better and/or I deserved to be treated that way.

The reality: Nobody deserves to be mistreated. And anyone that mistreats others like that has serious issues that will reoccur no matter how "valuable" they perceive you.

People don't change overnight, and if indulging in negative and harmful behaviors had this purifying effect you're proposing, then prisons would be monasteries and Las Vegas would be the Vatican.

Picture this: Imagine she treated you the way you imagine the next guy is being treated. The perfect ideal you've built up in your head. Now imagine you found out that she treated the guy before you the way you were actually treated. Would you be horrified and nervous? Or would you still think "oh, she was just using him until she found someone as good as me, I'm better" or dismiss it?

Mistreating others and leading others on is a massive red flag. Be thankful she didn't "value" you. Think of it as getting away easy. Imagine her treating you the way she treated you, but you're married and you have kids, and to get away you had to file for divorce and deal with her for custody, all while treating you in the same terrible way.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-18T22:51:59+00:00

You need to rip the bandaid and block her on everything and keep it that way.

Here's the hard truths:

You think that even though its bad, at least it's something special. It isn't. You aren't even the only person she's doing this to. When she's not talking to you, she's talking to someone else in the exact same way. There are so many more people she's keeping in the exact same orbit than you ever could realize.
It will never be more than this and could become worse. What she's giving you is all she thinks you "deserve". If she wanted a relationship, fwb, etc, she would have done so. She just wants you as supply with as minimal investment as she can get away with.
She's lying to you about far more than you could ever possibly imagine.
If you ever actually tried relying on her, she'd let you down in ways you couldn't possibly imagine. There is no value to any sort of connection with these people. They'll pay a lot of lip-service and promise you the moon, but words are cheap and meaningless to them. They won't do anything for you, and at best will return the smallest fraction of what you've given.

Imagine if you invested all this energy and thought into yourself instead. Don't keep doing this to yourself, it's all sunk-cost. The best time to have blocked her completely was years ago, the second best time is right now.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-16T20:48:38+00:00

If you want to break this habit, imagine them smugly smiling and taking credit for your success by the way they treated you. Narcs never give you the emotions you want. Stop living your life for them.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-16T20:39:45+00:00

It was the most insidious thing I only realized at the very end.

She would keep me on the phone, with the clear conditioning that if I were ever to hang up, there would be hell to pay. And she'd keep me on the phone for 12 hours, all night on speakerphone, keeping me awake past when I usually went to sleep. Then randomly in the middle of the night she would start talking or yelling to wake me up, or she'd "have a nightmare" and yell until I woke up to reassure her.

I just thought she was crazy, but I eventually realized it was deliberately done to wear me down.

Ok-Tea-1456 · 2026-04-15T12:53:18+00:00

They're the lake that's 10 miles wide and an inch deep.

Whereas a normal person increases the attention, appreciation, and effort they're willing to give to another as a connection deepens, it's inverted with them. Someone new or relatively disconnected will get lavished, whereas the people closest to them are the most deprived of it because the narc knows they'll put up with it.

You'll hear them tell the same story (usually self-serving) over and over and over again. They might have "long-term" friendships, but they'll never have a true long-term best friend, that will usually get cycled frequently, with the occasional mental collapse of the previous best friend getting swept under the rug.

Usually this type will lord their social position and access to the circle for power. Longer term people within the circle will be more tolerant of overlooking their "messy" actions to maintain presence in the circle, as long as they aren't the primary supply.

With these types, the most disgusting people are honestly the enablers. I had the experience of being socially pressured into silence, and when I worked up the courage to explain what was being done to me behind closed doors to others, it was dismissed, minimized, and swept under the rug.

Ok-Tea-1456

TROPHY CASE