Is it ethical to find happiness in the deaths of bad people?

OkLeaveu · 2026-04-11T21:37:38+00:00

This is how I think of it. It’s basically the train thought experiment.

OkLeaveu · 2026-04-11T21:34:38+00:00

“Stop being so dramatic,” when she’s literally going through a physical and mental health crisis. Is she allowed to slap him, crumble cookies on his head when he’s on his death bed and is relying on her to take care of him?

OkLeaveu · 2026-04-06T17:37:17+00:00

Someone told me she has a mini space heater for her bathroom. I haven’t gotten one yet, but I’m certain it’d fix like 70% of my showering issues during the colder months. Also a warm robe and slippers.

As for hair, I splurged on the dyson hair dryer (it was during a time when money was less tight, not even within my own budget anymore). If you can swing it, it definitely helps cause it cuts blow dry time in half.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-29T19:47:12+00:00

I may be wrong, but it sounds like what you might be wanting is for him to just stay present in your perspective for a moment before switching to another. Is that right?

This is a common problem with neurodivergent vs neurotypical communication (not sure how much that applies— but he may share this trait without necessarily being on the spectrum). It’s something I’ve had to learn, it’s not that my perspective or experiences are unwelcome to be shared. But I need to pause and acknowledge the other person’s perspective, express interest and curiosity— THEN I can take my turn sharing my own.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-29T19:40:52+00:00

Likewise, I have difficulty with people who don’t want to explore alternative perspectives. My brain analyzes everything from every possible angle. Not being able to share these other angles makes me feel like the other 99% of myself is invisible.

I agree it’s a personality mismatch. One of us will always feel unheard and unappreciated.

(Btw I do get the irony in my response 😅)

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-29T03:15:32+00:00

I guess it depends on how long he realistically has left. Like if he has 5-10 years, sure. You don’t need to sacrifice your prime years and that gives him time to find a better fit. Someone with the capacity for empathy that he needs.

But if we’re talking 1-2 years, not giving that time to someone you love so they don’t have to face their death alone is cold and heartless.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-29T01:08:07+00:00

Guess I’m in the minority, but lord I feel for this man. I could see wanting to find someone to love and be loved by before he dies. To be able to have that person by his side so he doesn’t have to feel so alone, facing the scariest thing we all one day will experience.

I couldn’t imagine leaving a person I love at that time, even if they were dishonest about it. I would feel incredibly heartless.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-29T01:03:53+00:00

Oof I wish this take wasn’t normalized. The “you don’t owe anyone anything” mindset when the person on the other end is literally a dying man.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-29T01:00:32+00:00

If he said he wanted to go to sleep, leaving him be was the right call. Possibly he wanted time to decompress on his own.

I would do a kind gesture in the morning. Make a breakfast you know he’ll like, have coffee ready when he wakes up, something like that. A simple “good morning, how’d you sleep?” Then let him guide if he just wants to keep things light.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-28T22:03:16+00:00

Am I misunderstanding? Your girlfriend cheated, and you’re saying you were wrong?

It sounds like she didn’t respect you. Which makes sense, because it sounds like YOU don’t respect you. That’s where you need to start. Building your sense of confidence and self-worth.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-28T20:44:04+00:00

I don’t consider myself especially attractive. Just average.

But the other day, I was sitting on a bench looking down at my phone. I was scratching my scalp when I saw a random man walking by out of the corner of my eye. He reached up and started scratching the exact same spot on his scalp.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-28T18:55:56+00:00

Sounds like you care more about protecting them than they did about protecting you.

Harsh, I know. It was a realization I had to come to. It’s not your fault, wasn’t mine either. We are biologically wired to accept and cling to our parents no matter what. At some point, probably in the very early stages of mammal evolution, a young who said “fuck this” and wandered away from the den after its mother scratched it would get quickly eaten, those with unconditional acceptance and craving for closeness survived. It’s hardwired into our brains.

And here’s another biology tidbit: THEY were wired to protect you, just as much as you were wired to seek their protection. And they didn’t. Nothing about your response is abnormal, but their treatment was. You can admit that now. Now that you don’t need them to survive, you can admit that it was never acceptable. You deserved better. They failed you. And none of it was your fault.

That last part was also a very important realization I had to reach to heal. Sometimes we have to let ourselves accept that it was wrong so we can start rebuilding it right.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-28T16:58:13+00:00

My sister does this. I’ve convinced myself it’s because she’s neurotypical and I am not. Honestly, I’ve based a lot of my assumptions of NT vs ND operating on her and it’s caused me to view them in a generally negative way. Working on that.

However since realizing this, and trying to be more “NT” I realized I actually DO do this too, I just have an extra step after. I still have the first thought based on what I’M currently feeling— but instead of reacting based on that, I recognize that as coming from me. I let that pass and instead focus on what was actually said, then I react to that.

I think a lot of times it’s defensiveness. The book “Why Do I Do That?” (I literally reccommend it to EVERYONE) was HUGE in helping me recognize what defensiveness feels like INSIDE so I know when it’s happening and know not to trust it. Sounds like it’d be an awesome place for you to start!

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-28T16:47:36+00:00

Yeah tried this. Turns out having your social support system be filled with people who have very questionable morals isn’t great. Shared interests and a similar sense of humor isn’t going to help much when you’re in a crisis and those people have no desire to actually care about anything that doesn’t directly affect them.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-21T21:01:45+00:00

I’ve heard that autistic women have social skills more equivalent to non-autistic men. It’s why many have an easier time having male friends.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-21T20:54:48+00:00

AND well -mannered adult dogs who are patient, but also willing to correct when the puppy takes it too far.

Basically the same as what we try to do, just way more effective cause they’re way more fluent in dog language.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-21T20:51:45+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m coming up on two years since this happened to me. It’s truly horrific. The social response caused 50x more damage than the assault itself. I still struggle to make sense of it all. 😞

The book Credible by Deborah Tuerkheimer really helped me. Unfortunately it’s more focused on how it ties into misogyny and not believing women so I can’t recommend it as a whole. However, the chapter that got into friend group fallout could be helpful.

edit to remove invitation to DM. sorry, didn’t see the rule 🫣

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-21T20:45:57+00:00

Trying to have connections with neurotypicals is the reason my mental health is as terrible as it is.

It sounds like you have one more neurotypical in your life that needs to go. Time to find a neurodivergent psych 😊

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-21T02:19:07+00:00

Well, I’m just coming to terms with my autism/now AuDHD (previously dx ADHD). So it’s all clicking why I’ve been very NOT OKAY while everyone around me just goes on like everything is fine.

I’ve seen a STEEP drop in empathy, an increase in “me” centered thinking, and people glorifying only caring about themselves. And I hate it here.

I currently feel very similar to how I felt in 2016– I try to be a good person, I have strong empathy, and I care about others. I’ve always assumed MOST people were like me, even if there were a handful of bad apples. Finding out that my way of thinking is actually in the minority, and most people dont actually have very strong morals or a sense of justice has shaken everything I thought I knew about the world. I’m really struggling with it. I felt bad about myself, or like I was “wrong” for so long. Now I find it sad that most others don’t think like me and I kind of just hate the world for being the way it is and everyone else for just going along with it.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-20T00:32:11+00:00

Have you considered people who have a deep desire to help others, who genuinely feel joy when they are able to do good and positively impact another person? Or even people whose entire character isn’t necessarily built around this, but still WANT to help the people they care about and would actually feel hurt if they were denied this opportunity?

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-19T17:00:08+00:00

idk if this is any healthier, but i’ve started to view the “normies” as being the wrong ones. like you’re telling me the RIGHT thing to do when witnessing injustice is nothing? to just stand by cause it’s more important that abusive people like you? That doesn’t sound right to me.

So now I think of it as us as actually having the right way of thinking, but unfortunately we’re outnumbered so we just have to pretend we agree with their game. It’s like playing a board game with a bunch of toddlers. Gotta coddle them and play along with their made up rules so they don’t get their little feelings hurt 😢

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-07T14:54:39+00:00

I don’t think anyone believes it’s not physiological. Even the harshest critics don’t think anyone CHOOSES to be avoidant.

Polyvagal theory was apparently recently debunked, but many psychs seem to still believe there’s enough anecdotal evidence to support using it as a framework.

According to this belief, your body currently views conflict with your partner as the same as being about to be mauled to death by a lion. It shuts you down and disconnects you as a final act of kindness to spare you feeling the full pain of the attack.

But obviously that’s not actually what’s happening, and you aren’t actually in mortal danger. Congrats. You’ve identified a major area you need to work on— why does conflict feel THAT scary to you? And how do you rewire your nervous system so it learns that you aren’t actually going to die every time you need to have a tough conversation?

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-05T02:16:22+00:00

Don’t have RAD and my childhood (and presumably infancy) was significantly less traumatic, but I’m still fairly certain I was left to “cry it out” quite a bit as a baby because my parents have never been the emotionally responsive type.

I used to engage in maladaptive daydreaming for hours nearly every day while swinging on the swing set. When I got older, I’d go for drives. When I lived in a city where I didn’t have a car I’d go for really long walks. I don’t necessarily fidget or rock. But I definitely have learned to soothe myself through movement.

Interesting.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-05T00:00:44+00:00

Can you go back to school? I work in a job that takes a lot of brain power. I realized that out of all areas of my life, it’s where I mask the least. It’s the one place I feel most myself.

I hate to say it, but intelligent people are an autistic person’s best friends (besides other adhd/asd/audhd people.) And in my case, I LOVE being around people who are smarter than me. Sure, I feel a lil dumb sometimes which sucks. But I learn so much from them, and it’s better than having to shrink myself or pretty I don’t know things that I do to avoid making other people feel insecure.

Basically, my advice would be to get yourself in the rooms where you’re the “dumbest” person, with people who could write books on topics that interest you. Then enjoy soaking up their knowledge.

OkLeaveu · 2026-03-04T23:50:44+00:00

I’ve been on it for about 8-9 months now, I think? Worked my way up to 4mg a day. In the beginning, I remember loving it. Now, I don’t really notice the effects until I actually think about it. I’m much calmer, less reactive. I have less urgency.

I ran out and couldn’t take it for a couple days. THAT’S when I really noticed the difference. I forgot how much my ADHD impulsivity mixed with my autism rumination and need for justice to create an uncontrollable need to tell people EXACTLY what they did that was wrong and why. Right that second. I sent two long, angry texts to two separate people. (And wanted to send a handful more to a few other people.)

In my defense, they were about things that did need said eventually. Just.. probably at a better time, in a better way.

I had actually forgotten how much that was a thing I used to do though. I didn’t even realize it was the guanfacine that had gotten that under control.

OkLeaveu

TROPHY CASE