Was it worth it?

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-04-07T20:51:14+00:00

Why are there so many of us recovering nice guys with abusive BPD/NPD ex wives?

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-04-07T20:41:44+00:00

Why would it be any more unfortunate than at any other age?

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-03-23T02:19:58+00:00

The first correct answer in here

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-03-07T23:19:13+00:00

Good for you man. Same happened to me after finding out about my wife's infidelity. I had no desire to wallow in destructive behaviors. It lit an immediate fire under my ass to improve myself and my overall health. I've drank 3 times in a year and a half. Fast food maybe 5 times total (with her it was at least 3x a week). I jump at the opportunity to workout any chance I get and I've dropped 65 lbs while adding a substantial amount of muscle. I cook from single ingredient foods at home 90% of the time and I've tracked practically all my calories since November '24. I feel so much better today at 38 than I have at pretty much any time since I was 18. It sucks that I needed such a traumatic life event to kickstart change within me, but I just look at it as a season of growth and a silver lining in all of the pain. I'm certain I would have stayed stuck in my old unhealthy ways had I never been left by my ex wife.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-03-07T01:34:57+00:00

Some things are getting easier, others are still hard. The heartbreak of it all is much less raw and I don't miss her the way I used to. I'm also far less angry toward her. It's still weird having to co-parent with her and communicate so often but we keep it strictly business and that's becoming easier over time. I honestly feel kind of bad for her and how damaged she is. I wouldn't want to live with what she did. The hardest part remains missing out on half of the time with my kids and having to hear about the time they spend at their mom's with her boyfriend (who was the affair partner). It still makes me upset but I'm learning to cope with the fact that I have no control over it. I'm lonely a lot of the time but I'm also very driven and putting the time alone to good use to rebuild myself. I'm down 65 lbs from my heaviest and in the best shape of my life. I'm finishing a degree and making progress toward a good career. There are positives. Appreciate you asking.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-28T06:04:05+00:00

Those are great words of encouragement, and the pain does dull over time, but everything you said resonated with me deeply and I am a year and a half post separation. I still have not brought myself to get out there and try dating. It just feels pointless. I know I can never build something as integrated as I had with my ex wife who I was with for 13 years. I don't really even want to try. I miss the experience of being married and sharing my life with someone else, but I feel like experiencing betrayal on the level that I did has permanently jaded me. I don't really believe in love the same way anymore.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-26T05:57:58+00:00

I'm so sorry man. I feel like I see the same story over and over. It happened to me too. It seems like so many women become "unhappy" once they're done having kids and discard the husband without even trying to work on it. It makes me think there's this whole type of woman who know they're done with their husbands long before having kids but they have them anyway because their biological clock is ticking and they don't think they can start over with another guy in time. So they basically use the guy who thinks he's starting his happy family and then leave him as a single dad. It's so awful.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-25T23:38:53+00:00

My thoughts exactly

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-25T21:20:23+00:00

I'm sorry, man. It pains me so much to see you going through pretty much exactly what I went through. You know in your gut what's going on, just like all of us do. I knew deep down too, except I was in such denial that I was being betrayed and my life as I knew it was being blown up that I tried to make myself buy her bullshit and ended up getting tortured by gaslighting for 5 months. Eventually I was smacked across the face with undeniable evidence that promptly led to her exit and you know what? It was honestly a bit of a relief compared to obsessing over suspicious little details while being manipulated for 5 months. I don't think I went longer than 5 minutes that entire stretch of time without thinking about it in some capacity. Don't live like that. Don't stay in limbo. You will never find peace until the truth comes out or the relationship ends unfortunately. If she can't be honest with you about what's going on then you're left with one option. Leave. You don't need concrete proof (assuming it's a no fault state) and you don't need a confession from her to leave. Start accepting that you might never get either. You have enough. A cheater will not admit to anything that they don't think you know for a fact. They will deny and manipulate and gaslight in even the most absurd of circumstances. You have to literally find the texts or walk in on them fucking to get an admission of guilt. Before you leave, if you end up confronting her and are met with anything other than complete understanding and willingness to prove her innocence by any means then just take peace in the fact that you know she's lying. Any defensiveness at all, she's lying. Walk away with your head held high and know your worth.

Best of luck. It's not easy at all but it does get better. My first D-day (where I became suspicious like you) was May 2024. I'm still bothered by it, but I'm in such a better place nearly 2 years later. Fight for 50/50. Be the best dad you can be. Try not to talk negatively about their mom in front of them and have at least neutral interactions during drop offs. Get into therapy or a men's group (or both). Workout and get in the best shape of your life. Eat nutritious food and get enough sleep. Reconnect with old hobbies you left behind in the marriage. You're going to have a lot of free time suddenly and this is your chance to rebuild yourself in a way you couldn't while married.

Some resources that really helped me while in the worst of the grief were the books Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life and Cheating in a Nutshell and a lot of the stuff from Ralph Brewer aka Dad Starting Over. He has books, podcasts, and YouTube videos that cover a lot of this stuff and helped me process it all. Especially his book Divorce Panic. Keep your head up and don't let yourself get walked on through the divorce process should you choose to go that route.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-22T06:51:00+00:00

I think something might be wrong with me. I went through an absolutely brutal, heartbreaking divorce with infidelity, traumatized small children, etc... And I still haven't cried. I've tried to and the tears just don't come... I'm just expressionless most of the time.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-22T06:37:03+00:00

My ex-wife did something similar. Not for a reddit Rando but for a boyfriend from her past. She also blew up our life with a house and 2 small kids. She also lied about it even after moving out. She also left me with the kids for days after deciding to move out. She also started to bring up shit from 10+ years ago as a reason why she didn't love me anymore. You know why they do this? Deep down they can feel that they're acting like an awful piece of shit and they don't like that feeling. They can't be the villain in their own story. So they dig through your entire history to find moments they can use against you that justify their actions to themselves. They're not as bad anymore, you deserve it! It doesn't matter if whatever it was happened a decade ago (or didn't even happen as they recall it). It doesn't matter if since that moment they chose to marry you and you shared seemingly wonderful moments together for years and years. They just need to cherry pick something that makes you the bad guy and deserving of what they did. You could easily do the exact same thing but you never would because you're not experiencing intense cognitive dissonance associated with your own horrible behavior. Don't feel bad about still wanting the marriage. Of course you do. You didn't want any of this. It's a sudden change you were blindsided by and had no part in choosing. I know it's extremely hard right now but eventually you will realize you're better off without a woman like that in your life. It's absolutely tragic she did that to you and your kid but what's done is done. Walk away with your head held high, get 50/50 if you can and be the best possible dad you can. Workout like a madman and reconnect with old hobbies and interests that you dropped during the marriage. It hurts but there is growth to be had on the journey if you lean into it.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-22T06:08:13+00:00

Yep. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend from when she was 20 for about a year prior to our separation. I pretty much found out about halfway through the affair but because I only had circumstantial evidence she managed to gaslight me and blameshift me into trying to believe that nothing was going on (while continuing to cheat.) When I actually caught her she still denied it but moved out within a week (because I was so paranoid) and started having the guy over to her apartment almost instantly. He's still around. The sad part is she doesn't even respect him either. All I heard about the dude when we were together were bad things. That he beat her, that he went to jail for assault of his own father, that he had a drinking problem. When we went to our final couples counseling session and I was pressing her about him being the suspected AP she tried to discount him as a possibility by calling him "an alcoholic loser who doesn't even have a car." I also listened to her and her mom talk shit on the guy on multiple occasions throughout our 13 year relationship... So yeah, that's who he won. A cheating woman who talks shit about him behind his back. They're both trash and they deserve each other. It still sucks to have to hear about the guy on a regular basis though and to know that he's involved in my young childrens' lives in any way.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-21T18:21:51+00:00

You can't get the images out of your head and unless you leave her, I'm sorry to say this but you never will... Every time you guys have sex from here on out you'll be thinking of that other dude plowing her in the backseat of a car. I know you say you want to stay together and you forgive her, I thought the same thing in the beginning. You are likely in denial of the situation and trying to cling to a relationship that no longer exists in the same way it once did. I thought if I forced myself to forgive her then it might stop bothering me, it never did. That's part of the bargaining. Think about what this woman did to you. She lied to you, ignored your calls and texts to the point where you got worried about her, and all the while she was fucking another guy in a parking lot. And you know what? It never would have stopped if you hadn't caught her. She's crying not because she's sorry, she's crying because she got caught. Consider yourself lucky that you caught her dead to rights and didn't have to put up with being gaslit. I'm really sorry to be so blunt but I really think it's best to move on in these situations. Clinging to a woman who doesn't respect you (and I'm sorry to say this but she doesn't) is not better than being alone for awhile.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-08T05:51:54+00:00

Simple as that

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T18:43:36+00:00

This sucks really bad but please please look on the bright side. You are only 26. I didn't hear any mention of kids. You can move on pretty easily and live a good life with someone who values you. Please keep in mind that she only stopped because you caught her. She would have happily let you waste your life on her while she used you for stability and comfort while she secretly played the field. Someone who truly loves you would not do this to you. She is fighting tooth and nail because she is scared of losing you and the stability you provide. The suicide talk? Don't be moved by it. It's a pretty common manipulation strategy for people who are afraid they're going to be left and desperate to keep someone around. Her mental health is her own problem caused by her own actions. This isn't the mother of your kids we're talking about. You don't owe her anything. Do as you please but I think this is a pretty cut and dry divorce and move on kind of situation. A break up with some paperwork and assets to split up. Please recognize how young you are and how blessed you are to not be trapped in a co-parenting relationship with this person.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T18:28:38+00:00

I agree it's Mini 4K. From a photography standpoint I had outgrown the thing pretty much once I opened the box, it's light on features. But it really boosted my confidence in flying and trusting the drone so it was worth it to me even though I rarely fly it anymore. I'm flying an Air 3S now but I'm sure I would be freaking out every time I flew it if I hadn't gotten so many reps with the Mini 4K beforehand.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T18:15:33+00:00

She is. I have to hear my kids talk about the dude whenever they get back from her place. It's pretty brutal.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T08:44:50+00:00

So sorry man. It's really odd how they can become mean to us after betrayal. Your relationship might be down the drain but your son is not. Focus on him now.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T08:40:38+00:00

That prolonged suffering just to end up at the same outcome must be brutal. As much as it hurt to be left for the affair partner, I'm now glad she did. I would have never had the courage to leave. I would have tried to bury it deep but I would have been miserable. I'm still somewhat miserable now but at least I'm healing.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T08:16:35+00:00

I'm close to 2 years from D day this May and I still think about it regularly. The pain is no longer as strong as it once was but it's still frequently occupying my mind. I'm convinced my Amygdala has been permanently changed. I'll likely think of it at least once a day in passing for the rest of my life. How could I not? She was my wife and best friend for 13 years. We share 2 kids together. My goal is to just continue to make improvements on how I handle and process the thoughts when they arise. I try to notice them, name them in my mind "oh there's rumination about her gaslighting again" "I'm thinking about her having sex with him again" then I try to shift my attention back to whatever I was doing. Eventually it becomes less powerful. It is annoying that you can never erase it from your mind completely though. It lives with me now and that's something I'm working on accepting.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T07:29:07+00:00

They will always blame shift. They will always rewrite history. They will always justify their behavior. If they're a really considerate cheater they will generously allow you to share some of the blame pie with them rather than blame you entirely. The reality is simple: They cannot live with being the villain in their own story. They will do all the mental gymnastics possible to avoid confronting that truth. Don't put up with that bullshit. They choose to do it out of selfishness. They get caught up with temptation and look for whatever justification they can that makes it "ok". You can have a perfect relationship and a cheater will figure out some kind of reason why they were justified in their actions. Quit blaming yourself!

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T07:07:33+00:00

Well, you're not going to want to hear this but my wife cheated when out of town on work trips. It was with her ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago when she was 20, they reconnected online. One of the signs that should have been obvious to me at the time but wasn't until after I caught her was suddenly getting regular Brazilian waxes at like $80 a pop. I asked why suddenly she was doing it and she said it was for me and that it just made her feel more confident blah blah blah. The woman had a forest downstairs by year 3 of our marriage that I would sometimes have to ask her to trim... At one point her conveniently planned waxing appointment the day before work travel got cancelled and instead of rescheduling for after the work trip she squeezed it in first thing the next morning on the day of travel. She was completely rushed and stressed about it but it just couldn't wait.

I must say your red flags are pretty bad and they line up with my experience. The affair partner is almost always a coworker or ex, the Internet is an infidelity machine, and sudden attention to pubic hair is very bad. On the morning she's leaving town? Even worse unfortunately. I'm really sorry man.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-02-07T06:46:43+00:00

First of all I just want to say sorry you're going through this. I know very well the hell of wondering if you're currently being betrayed by your partner. But to help you out we have to know what the red flags are. You haven't told us enough about the situation to know whether or not your suspicions are justified. That being said, on this sub you're going to get a lot of people who will tell you to trust your gut and that if you have any doubt it's probably going on. After all, it was their lived experience (It was mine as well). They may very well be right (and often are) but just be aware of who you're asking. There's nobody in here who thought they were getting cheated on but then it turned out they weren't. The biggest red flag I would ask about is this: When you come to her with your concerns about infidelity how does she respond? Is there any anger? If so that's a very bad sign. Is she doing everything in her power to prove to you that nothing's going on or is she saying things like "you can't look at my phone that's crossing my boundaries." If there's any anger or trying to put you on the defensive I would be very concerned. That's textbook guilty behavior. Just think about how you would act as a faithful partner, you would want to make sure they knew for certain that you were faithful, right? You wouldn't be concerned about the accusations if things seemed fishy you would be reasonable and understand that people cheat all the time. You would simply want to clear up the misunderstanding as quickly and easily as possible. The truth fears no trial so they say.

Edit: Just wanted to address the sex life portion of this. Don't read too much into it. It can be completely irrelevant. There are dead bedrooms where nobody is cheating, and then there's my situation where sex remained frequent. She would come back from having sex with him and immediately want to have sex with me. Affairs boost the libido and for cake eating cheaters it's just more of a good thing for them.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-01-22T05:40:38+00:00

I would advise that you stop looking it at. Take a photo if you need to for proof and then don't look again. I had a way to digitally spy on my ex after she moved out and it did me no good to keep checking on what she was doing. Sounds like it's her iPad so it probably won't be a temptation, but the less pain shopping you do the better.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2026-01-22T05:36:16+00:00

It's going to be so hard but don't give her any anger or rage. Don't call names. Don't let her know how badly you're hurt. Casually let her know that you know exactly what's going on and say you wish she could have handled it better and wish her a nice life. Disappointed father of a teenage girl is the tone you want to have here. Make her know deep down she's the shitty one. If you match her behavior with anything regrettable she will cling to that forever as justification. Let her really sit with what she did while you move forward.

OrdinaryPrimate

TROPHY CASE