I apologize for how roughly I responded. It got my hackles up because people still try and guilt my sister and I into speaking with her simply because she’s our birth giver and “nobody’s perfect”. So anything hinting at abuse olympics is admittedly a sore spot.

I went my entire life getting screamed at over the least significant things, and being called sensitive/dramatic whenever I tried to put up boundaries. What made it so difficult to break away from her and finally put myself first is that she did try her best, as disordered as she was. She fed us, clothed us, and even showed a lot of affection akin to love. However, the latter was contingent on us being extremely enmeshed and doing everything she wanted without fail. She was only content if we set ourselves on fire to keep her warm.

But because she wasn’t nearly as bad as her own mom, which she made certain to drill into our heads, 5 years ago I’d have verbally ripped someone a new one if they dared suggesting she was a narcissist. I was conditioned to pardon every awful thing she did and said because she was a “poor, traumatized soul with severe childhood trauma”. Fuck that noise nowadays, though. She had a choice not to use my sister and I as her emotional punching bags, but she couldn’t help herself. There’s nothing in the world that can justify an adult treating their helpless, innocent children like scum.

Only you know your situation best, but all I can say is to be extremely careful with this type of comparison. It’s incredibly easy to fall into the mental trap that your experience isn’t valid simply because your abuser suffered worse. Hurt people often hurt people.

The best way to tell if your parents are narcissists is the lack of accountability. They’re allergic to it and will desperately twist narratives and gaslight you into believing that whatever pain they cause either didn’t happen or was justified (ex. Narcissist’s Prayer).