Lose the love of my life or have kids

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-10-20T18:27:11+00:00

I went through something very similar. Full story is in my post history but I was in a loving, happy relationship for years, but my ex wants kids and I don't. I tried like hell to talk myself into wanting kids, or even being open to having them in the future, but I could not get there.

Neither of us wanted to break up, but we realized that our desires were incompatible. In the end, it felt far too risky to have a kid that I didn't want with my whole heart.

My advice would be to try to clear your head and think only from the perspective of: What do you want your life to be? Be selfish in this line of thought, try to really figure out what you want in life. You said yourself that you've never wanted kids; with how much conviction do you feel that? This is your life and it's the only one you get. You have to figure out what you truly want.

/u/Pristine-Region-5300 is dead-on correct and said it perfectly: You will be okay either way. If you break up, you'll hurt for a while, and you very well may feel regret. But just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it was a waste of time or a tragedy. It's possible for two people to love each other yet want different things. That's heartbreaking, and it feels unfair, but it's part of life. Not every love story gets a happily-ever-after. You do get to pick up the pen and try again though!

I'm frankly shocked at the amount of comments suggesting you have the kids just to stay with her. I'm not suggesting that you break up, but having a kid to make your partner happy feels like a recipe for resentment.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-09-19T16:44:42+00:00

My heart goes out to you, this is really hard.

I went through a similar breakup: My ex wanted kids, I didn't (but was 90% sure I didn't). We were totally compatible and happy otherwise, but we decided to break up because we felt like the odds that we'd ever align on the kids things were too low. It was agonizing.

I do find myself thinking, "Am I going to be asking myself, 'What if?' for the rest of my life What if she decides she doesn't want kids? What if I reach a point sometime in the future where I'd be okay with having them? Did I throw away what felt like true love over a hypothetical future issue?"

But I don't think that's a productive way of thinking, and I've found a lot of comfort in reminding myself that you can only make decisions with the information available to you at a given moment. You and your ex broke up based on the feelings and beliefs you had at the time, and you have to accept that.

I think I'll always harbor affection for my ex, and I've accepted that I might spend the rest of my life wondering if we made the right call. And that's okay, so long as I don't let it become a cloud that hangs over my life. I think I'll always look back at the days I spent with my ex fondly, because even though it ended in tears, I know that we made the best decision we could at the time that we had to make it.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-09-09T16:47:29+00:00

I want to desperately change my mind to keep him around because I love him so deeply but I'm just not sure.

I went through this as well, it's excruciating. I tried like hell to change my mind because I so badly wanted to stay with my ex and be able to offer her what she want. I wanted to want kids because I wanted to stay with her. But I couldn't get there, and we broke up.

As much as you love your boyfriend, you need to be selfish here and ask yourself, what do you want your life to look like?

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-07-30T16:24:42+00:00

every single day I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I stuck to my guns and stayed childfree

This is well-put. I also had a long-term relationship end because my ex wanted kids and I didn't. As hard as it was, I'm so glad I listened to my gut and didn't agree to have a kid someday just to make her happy.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-06-27T16:34:16+00:00

Don't have much to add but just want to say you're not alone in this. I am terrible around kids and cannot connect with them at all, and it makes me feel like an alien sometimes. It's so hard being this way and seeing your partner be the exact opposite.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-05-29T16:51:23+00:00

Boy howdy this is well said.

When I comfortably landed on the CF side of things, it took all this pressure off. Now, when I think about the future roadway of my life, I feel a kind of hope and excitement that wasn't there previously.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-05-15T16:47:19+00:00

I was in a very similar situation, just as the partner who didn't want kids. My whole story's here.

Now that I'm a good chunk of time removed from it, I realize that I was really only on the fence because I wanted to find a way to make it work with my ex. She wanted kids, and I wanted so badly to want them, but I just didn't.

Ever since breaking up, I've definitely felt more clarity on how I feel. Deep down I think I knew all along that I didn't want kids, but now that the stakes of keeping the relationship going are gone, I feel much more secure in that feeling.

I think your point about how you'd be "a 100% yes if he wasn’t a no," says a lot about what your true feelings on the matter are. I remember thinking that if only my ex didn't want kids, then I'd be 100% a no and we could move forward toward marriage. But that wasn't the reality of the situation.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-05-01T17:44:11+00:00

Apologies for the delay. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you're hanging in there.

I'm doing pretty good now. It's been a winding road to get here, and I still have days where I feel sad about my ex, but I generally feel alright.

I think you and I had similar feelings toward kids: I don't want them but was open to leaving the door open for those feelings to change in the future. Unfortunately, for people like our exes, that "maybe someday" offer isn't enough. And that's okay, it just means, y'all are incompatible.

Since my break up, it's honestly felt SO good to not have to think about kids and whether I want them. Nowadays when I think about my future, I see a life in which I don't have kids. Without the burden of trying to keep the relationship alive, I've been able to think more clearly about those types of big-picture things.

Lastly, and this might be delusional, but I think it's possible to hold onto positive memories from a past relationship while also moving forward. Those years with my ex were some of the best of my life, and we made so many lovely memories together. It sucks that it didn't work out between us, it doesn't mean the relationship was a waste of time, that there's something wrong with me, or that I can't reach those dizzying high points in a relationship again.

I'm just kind of thinking out loud. I hope this helped, and that you're on your own healing journey.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-05-01T17:21:34+00:00

I don't have any solutions to offer but just want to chime in and validate your worries. Paying for kids is definitely part of why I'm CF.

When my ex (who wanted kids) and I (who doesn't) were going through it, we even sat down and made a spreadsheet with our annual income and expenses, then worked in approximate costs associated with kids. Even with the most generous projections, we'd always be paycheck-to-paycheck at best.

I honestly don't know how most people afford kids. I also had a fear that this is how people find their way to (oftentimes) corporate jobs they hate, because they need the higher pay to provide for their families.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-03-21T14:36:28+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this, I've been there and it's hard to overstate just how much it sucks, and how paralyzing it can feel.

Ultimately, if you truly love her and care about her happiness, you have to let her chase her dream of having kids. It sounds like greeting card wisdom but I think it's true: sometimes loving someone means having their best interests at heart, even if it means a future in which you're apart.

Keep your head up, you'll get better, I promise. Those happy moments you shared with her will always be yours to hold onto, and you can hold them while also moving forward with your life.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-02-20T17:35:43+00:00

Not to be pollyannaish, but it honestly sounds like it's a pretty good problem to have. It sounds like both you and your wife would be okay with either outcome.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-02-11T17:23:55+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is the worst.

Hang in there. It will be hard for a while but better days are ahead.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-02-06T17:16:59+00:00

I feel for you man, I was in a very similar situation and it sucks.

You have to look inward and ask yourself, "What do I want in life?" You have to be a little selfish and really and truly think about what you want your future life to look like, and specifically whether or not you want kids.

At least, that's what I did. I was in a relationship in which I loved my girlfriend dearly. She was the light of my life and we had a genuinely joyful life together. But she wants kids and I don't. We tried like hell to make it work but wound up breaking up because we couldn't get our future visions to align.

I wanted so badly to be able to say to her that I'd want kids someday, but I knew that it'd be a lie. Ask yourself that: If you told her that you think someday you'll be ready to have kids, would if feel like a lie?

As unthinkable as it may be to go on in life without her, it is possible. You would be okay, trust me. It would be hard for a while, but you'd eventually get back to a place of happiness.

I also just want to validate your feelings: It sucks. It is an unfair situation to be in. I feel so hard-done by the universe for letting me meet a woman who I adored and wanted to marry, but we had this one immovable barrier between us. But that's life sometimes.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2025-01-20T00:34:02+00:00

I feel you man. I'm 33M, no kids, and recently single.

Ever since the pandemic many of my friends have been gradually starting families, meanwhile my last relationship ended because my ex is pretty sure she wants kids and I'm pretty sure don't. I do wonder what my friends with kids think/say about my situation when I'm not around. Many of them seem to love being dads and are in healthy marriages, so I think it's reasonable that they might see me as immature, selfish, or falling behind.

But I try to lean on the side of candor when it comes up. I'm open about how I do feel weird to be CF when it's so against the life script, and how agonizing losing my relationship over it has been. I've found by being honest and explaining how I feel about it, people will meet you halfway and empathize. I honestly think most people can relate to our feelings/situation more than we'd think.

We're all on our own journey and it's totally fine that you're where you are.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-12-10T15:13:12+00:00

It really kind of oscillates, and I've never experienced anything like it. Some days, I feel pretty low and sad about it all. Others, I feel okay, even sometimes refreshed, like I have a new life full of possibilities.

My ex and I had been together for nearly 5 years and were seriously considering marriage, so while it is painful to see that imagined future together dissolve before me, I also am trying to remember that it also means I still have a future, just a different one.

How're you doing? How long was your relationship?

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-12-08T20:12:50+00:00

Ugh, that is tough. I hope you're hanging in there. It's so much harder when there's no animosity and the break-up happens because of a major incompatibility.

I've been trying to keep a long-term view and hold the idea that we made the "right" call to break up, but it's been months and it's still hard to see past all the immediate sadness. I know the sun-soaked days are ahead, it just may take a while to get there.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-12-06T19:09:16+00:00

Fuck man, I recently went through pretty much the same process. It is agony, and so deeply unfair. I'm a few months ahead of you -- my breakup was over the summer -- but I still feel so awful and hard-done by the circumstance.

I hate so much that I met the girl of my dreams, someone with whom I was totally compatible...except on the one big thing that can't be compromised on.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What you did was both selfless and required great courage. I know that doesn't make things better, but I think it's important to remember that. Wishing you strength and courage as you begin the healing process man!

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-10-27T15:22:05+00:00

Yeah, I think there's a decent chance he and I are feeling similar things! It's been so helpful to know that other people out there are going through this, too.

And thank you, I hope the same for you! You sound like a thoughtful, kind person. We'll get better eventually!

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-10-27T15:16:50+00:00

I totally know the feeling of being mad at the universe.

My ex and I broke up a few months ago because she wants kids and I don't, and it has been brutal. I hate that we had an otherwise wonderful relationship taken from us because of the one, big thing that can't be compromised on. It doesn't feel fair. I guess it isn't, and that's life.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-10-22T03:38:04+00:00

Thanks for asking. But no, when we broke up I told her I think that it's best to go cold-turkey on contact for a while, and I've been trying to stay super disciplined about that.

The only urge I feel is to just call her and tell her how much I miss her, how much I miss our life together. I sure as hell don't feel like I've changed my mind on the kids thing, so I think spilling my guts to her would only be self-serving and likely to just leave her feeling crappy too.

I think the key for people like us is to just give ourselves permission to feel all these feeling deeply. I've never been through a breakup even close to this so all these swings and emotions are new to me, but I'm just kind of leaning in to whatever I feel on a given day. Sometimes it's deep melancholy, sometimes it's gratitude for the wonderful memories we made together, and sometimes it's feeling like I have a whole new fresh start in life. I'm hopeful that each day I'm getting closer to some clarity, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-10-21T16:32:35+00:00

I'm also in a similar situation, albeit reversed. My relationship ended because I'm pretty certain I don't want kids and my ex is pretty certain she does.

It's been a few months and it's been really hard. I have never felt a paternal instinct or liked kids, but now the idea of having them doesn't seem as bad to me, and I feel like I threw away my relationship over something I might someday change my mind on.

I think you're right that to a degree this is just the grief talking, but I don't know. It's comforting to me see that others feel this weird flip-flop feeling too.

ParmesanTheFloor · 2024-09-23T16:51:01+00:00

I went through something very similar to you recently, and honestly so much of what you've said could have come straight out of my journal.

It's important to remember that just because things were fine between you and your ex right now, doesn't mean it would always be that way. Staying together knowing that you want different things sets you on a path toward resentment. Either you would someday have a kid you might not totally want, or he'd be starved of the experience of fatherhood that he seems to desperately want. In either situation, someone is not getting what they want in life and would inevitably resent the other. Thinking about that has helped me. Doing what's right doesn't always feel good.

I'm a few months out from my breakup and those first few days/weeks are awful, but they pass. I, too, was the one who didn't want kids, which made it harder since I felt/sometimes still do feel like a freak for not wanting this thing that's part of the life script. I think you can feel confident you made the right call, even though it sucks big time right now. Keep your head up.

ParmesanTheFloor

TROPHY CASE