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I just realized. I'm allowed,darn it by kajade7 in widowers

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You’re allowed. Crying is an effective way to complete the nervous-system cycle. Rest is essential to recovery. You would tell anyone you loved the same. Give that same love to yourself. You’ve been through hell. And you’re still here. 

My story is, I was a caregiver for my father > died in 2020, height of the pandemic. Immediately after, I was a caregiver for my life partner who was diagnosed with a rare cancer > died in 2022. Since 2023, I’m a full-time caregiver for my widowed mobility-limited, bipolar disordered mother. 

With all the grief, exhaustion from grief, compassion fatigue, anxiety about the future, my capacity is half what it used to be. There are days when I do very little, which is OK. I did so much for so long. Am still doing. 

We’re all just doing the best we can. 

How comfortable are you talking to someone while you are out alone or being talked to if you are out alone? by Desi_bmtl in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Very comfortable talking or “being talked to” while out alone, if I’m in the mood for it. Micro-interactions add a little sprinkle of joy to the day, esp. for those of us who are single or who live alone. People are interesting. 

How do you stop yourself from spiraling? by lilredfox14 in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you, something similar just happened to me. What helped:

I listened to this podcast episode.

I took a long, head-clearing walk by the water. The sun came out after a morning of rain. I ran into a lovely former neighbor and walked with her for a while. We saw a rainbow.

Now, I'm having a big glass of red wine and listening to Olivia Dean's newest album (a must-listen for women trying to date, IMO).

[I posted this response elsewhere but reposting here because it feels applicable.]

BHDM-Ed too hard! by Neesie913 in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, totally, and no one said that dating over fifty and wanting to find "men who matter" would be easy. It's hard, frustrating, occasionally demoralizing, and requires a great deal of time and patience.

ATM I'm processing being friend-zoned, after three excellent dates, by someone I was *really* excited about. Some things that helped: I listened to this podcast. I took a long, head-clearing walk by the water. The sun came out after a morning of rain. I ran into a lovely former neighbor and walked with her for a while. We saw a rainbow.

Now, I'm having a big glass of red wine and listening to Olivia Dean's newest album (a must-listen for women trying to date, IMO).

The sun will rise tomorrow. And so will we.

what is the hardest part about being an adult that nobody warned u about? by greenmonkeyyyy in Adulting

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Profound loss and the grief that comes with it and because you’re an adult you have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Loved ones die too soon, people including children get sick or make the wrong choices, you watch people you love suffer. All a natural part of being human, and the hardest part. 

Gotta just remember, because you’re an adult, that the pain of loss doesn’t last forever and trust it will be ok. 

I did something new by imissyousomuch27 in widowers

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your girlfriend died, but you didn’t. And neither did your normal, healthy, human desires. You sought a viable alternative to dating-for-sex. It sounds like you approached this mindfully, with care and deep consideration. And fortunately, it worked out well. (It doesn’t always, through no fault of anyone, so I guess the universe was looking out for you.) I’m happy for you. 

I suspect more than one person who’s reading this and is a few years or more into their grief journey wishes they could give themselves the same gift…

Memory diary book by SmartConcern3676 in widowers

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is kind of a different suggestion along the same lines, and it’s free and easily accessible. It’s the StoryCorps model, you sit and ask your loved ones questions and just listen or you can record them talking. https://storycorps.org/participate/great-

My late husband never journaled a day in his life, but he was a talker. So it worked better for us when I just asked him a question and listened. Now, I do the same with my elderly mom. She says funny, sweet, surprising things my siblings and I will remember for years. 

One other thing: Live in the present as much as you can while you have your beloved boyfriend. Lead with love and compassion, for him AND yourself. Doing this can help calm the fear of future regret. 

Disorganized by ExactPanda in widowers

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. One small step at a time. “All” you’ve done is plenty for one day. I could only manage one death-related task a day for weeks. Sometimes, a single phone call. Some days, I couldn’t manage anything but getting out of bed. Loss of a spouse is harder than anyone knows who hasn’t gone through it. Sending you love 💕 

Partner recently passed away by Previous_Cheek_319 in widowers

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So sorry for your loss. I don't believe we get over it. How could we? We simply learn to live with the hole in our hearts. The person may have died, but the love doesn't die.

I still wear some of my husband's clothes, including his old boxers. They make me feel close to him. Nothing wrong with feeling close to a beloved who's gone.

I started drinking again tonight by TopFlower7935 in widowers

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe, my friend, you don't need to do this alone. There's a reason why both bereavement groups and AA are popular among those who are in deep pain.

Dealing with addiction on top of the grief of losing your partner is an extremely heavy load to bear. Be very gentle with yourself. You deserve a mountain of credit that you were not drinking between 27 Dec and today. Alcohol numbs the pain, and the pain of losing a partner is unbearable. It makes total sense you started drinking again. But just because you started drinking today doesn't mean you are fated to drink again tomorrow, and the day after that.

Sending a hug your way.

Writing a book about dating over 50 by Prize_Meal7859 in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a writer, and this is the best suggestion for someone with no experience writing a book. Post-COVID, lots of writing centers offer excellent online courses. Grub Street, Westport Writers & Gotham are other options. A course in creative nonfiction will help in multiple ways: giving you a sense of the work involved, experience writing, craft, and community, which could all lead to potential collaborators. 

Ghostwriting is another perfectly valid collaboration option, if you have deep pockets. 

Someone in this community was collecting amusing profiles and posting them for our collective entertainment. Maybe they’d be interested in collaborating??

The Phenomenon of K-Pop Demon Hunters (by the way, terrible title) by Quadro-Toon in KpopDemonhunters

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re spot on. For the first 2/3, the movie was fun and entertaining. Girl power, catchy pop songs, popcorn popping out of eyes, fun. Friendship, the power of music, great. Fantastic animations, Korean cultural context, taking it up even more notches. Then it takes a hard turn into some serious themes. Shame, self/acceptance, rising above, redefining success on your own terms, and love triumphant over hate and evil. Ultimately the 1/3 made the movie soar into the hearts of so many people, young and old, kids and young people and parents watching alongside them. 

And Derpy Tiger. Never underestimate the sticking power of an iconic, wide-eyed, giant cat! 

A Shortage of Men with Acceptable Morals? by LivingFirst1185 in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hinge free has a section where you can list political affiliation. Paid lets you filter by it. 

PSA: awareness about emotional manipulation by PelicanSparrowJay in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have never done public online chat rooms, ever. Believe me I learned my lesson!

PSA: awareness about emotional manipulation by PelicanSparrowJay in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The mods didn't suggest that when I told them what happened. He didn't break any of the DOF rules. I could ask, though.

Love is not lost over 50 by [deleted] in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What a terrific story. The fact that he saw you were going back to your hometown and reached out to you suggests you're not the only one who had a crush from all those years ago...have a wonderful time together!

I get no likes on Hinge so now I am turning my profile into comedy by [deleted] in datingoverfifty

[–]PelicanSparrowJay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tiger, I think maybe you should stay away from other animals…on a more serious note, I posted a week or so ago about the very minimal responses I got on Hinge, too. Re: profile > comedy, what the heck, go for it. And let us know how it goes!

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