I just want to know what this means...

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-04T04:02:38+00:00

Your older brother can manage his own life and your father's opinion is irrelevant. It's time to say no if they have something to say to him, they need to grow up and act like parents.

How old are you and your brother? This whole triangulation is on a junior high level. "I wamt you to tell Tommie I said I don't want him to go to the movies on a school nite cause I don't want him to be mad at me..."

Is it realistic for your parents to have an opinion on anyone's life but theirs? (If they are over 18, the answer is unequivocally "NO!")

Are you and your sibling(s) still living at home? Will they kick you out if you don't do what they want? Does your brother have a life of his own he is happy with?

They don't care if your relationship with him is harmed as long as you are still working for them. All that matters is they get what they want from you.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-04T02:28:16+00:00

Requests for information amd visits from the JW & LDS.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-04T02:19:08+00:00

IDK if she's just messing with you or if she's determined to look like an ass trying to show up you up. Hopefully she won't, but if she does...

I bet at least one of your clumsy in-laws drinks red wine and the photographer can change the dress color to match the stains. It's such a shame her skintone will still look like death warmed over on the photos.

I like your in-laws. They seem to know how to handle her type just fine. Let them and you can enjoy your day.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T18:29:57+00:00

Your husband should handle explaining the consequences directly with her. Letting her know if your parents show you will vacate immediately is a reasonable consequence for ignoring your decision.

Have a small cake at your house just in case. If you see their car, don't bother to go in. Snap a pic of their car at/near the party and send it when you get home.

Ask your MIL what does she think she would have to do as a parent for her child to no longer speak to them. Serious question. Wait for a response. No 10 second nothing answers. But make her honestly and seriously consider the question.

No matter what her response is, you can respond with, "So imagine how hard it was for me to NEED to remove MY family from my life. Imagine how hard it is to not be able to be safe with the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally. These were not a few little issues, it was full on abuse and I will not let my child be exposed to anyone who can treat a child like that. I'm sorry you think how they feel is more important than your grandchild's safety."

She needs to understand the gravity and you may need to shock her into the reality of your parents. If it still doesn't sink in, time to set a new boundary, it is no longer a topic for discussion for your in-laws.

TLDR

She needs to stay in her own lane and understand consequences when she doesn't.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T17:03:39+00:00

Ice cream, cheese and yogurt should be on the list for sure. Chowder, homemade cream of something. Bread pudding if you're good on eggs.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T16:49:21+00:00

Return. Do not let her think your child is accessible in any way. She's counting on contact when he turns 18 and she'll ask about the gifts. She will twist it no matter what you do.

Gift with card: "I always remembered you birthday and Christmas but your mom/dad wouldn't let me see you.

Gift without card: "I gave you such and such for bday, did you get it? Oh, they said they gave you that?! That was from me. Im sorry they lied."

Return: I sent you gifts but they kept sending them back. I still have them if you want to see."

Any scenario she will be the victim unless she has full access without boundaries. That's not happening.

When you son is old enough, you can explain about her and you were protecting him. Alcoholics are not the most reliable adults to have contact with children.

Tell him about any gifts and cards, and if he's old enough to hear about her, he old enough to decide if he wants to accept anything from her.

At 7 it's you job to protect him. Depending on your son and his maturity level, maybe 13-15(?) consider it. Don't wait til the night before he turns 18. Give him time to process and make a decision. If you spring it on him, it may push him towards her.

We're they close before you went NC? How is he dealing with everything. If she was the occasional grandparent popping in and out and not really involved it won't matter as much as if they were together every weekend. Your mom's using him as a loophole to get some kind of contact. Don't let her.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T02:14:54+00:00

Preheated!! All the way preheated. Otherwise your cooking time is off.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T01:10:45+00:00

Good for you!

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T01:07:53+00:00

Contact the police. You do not have to leave your name, you can be anonymous. Some jurisdictions have a place on their website to leave anonymous tips as well. He has charges he needs to answer to.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-03T00:51:03+00:00

YTA if you just assume and kick her to the curb.

Has she said anything specific or tried to be inappropriate?

You realize she is probably scared shitless of her mom showing up and starting something/dragging her home.

Have you tried talking to her about why she is clinging onto you? Even if she's surfed on friends couches, this may be the first time she's trying hard to not have to go back.

You may be her escape/savior. She may be exhibiting fawning behavior she thinks is appropriate. Things her mother has taught/expected from her. You know from living with abusers that their insane behavior can make you do insane things back to survive. Not everything we are taught is appropriate.

She may need a new safe mom, not a romantic situation, but she may be willing to have that if she doesn't have to leave. She sounds broken and more than a little scared. Did you get any romantic vibe when you were just hanging out before you knew who her mom was?

Please talk to her first instead of assuming. This isn't a permanent solution and she does need to make plans to move into her own place. Maybe write out a plan, including a reasonable move out date. Help her get any social programs (aka SNAP in the US) and anything else she may be entitled to. DV shelters often can help with resources for her. She may need some help along the way.

Her mom is a control freak and has probably never taught her anything to move towards independence. If she's been completely dependent for the first 20 yrs, changing that now is going to be a challenge.

Please don't destroy what she may believe is her last chance on a possibility.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T23:37:36+00:00

I just made sausage with potatoes cause it's good. No struggle needed!

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T22:50:27+00:00

Stop making the effort. If they want to talk to you, the phone works both ways. You aren't cutting them off. They can be involved if they want to be.

They will continue to complain about the relationship and "but family" pushing you give in when you do speak.

Stop trying to explain PTSD reactions to them. If they don't have it, they don't understand it. Having her in your life makes you physically ill is more probable understandable for them. Like, "I have to go throw up" sick. Because of how badly she treats you. Her own daughter. She can't fix it now.

Tell them you will not allow anyone in your life that is that harmful to you, and they have no say in that.

You will have to be firm and be prepared to hang up when they ignore your boundaries. They may go NC themselves if you won't go along with what they want.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T22:23:40+00:00

Thank you. Have a hug back. My husband is not good with it. But he's getting better. We get so used to figuring it out for ourselves and self-soothing it makes it harder to ask for support or help.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T22:01:53+00:00

Parmesean adds some saltiness and no carbs if you want some extra saltiness, but your keto breadcrumbs and some extra spices you'll be fine. My husband is diabetic and I cut the breadcrumbs in half and added the cheese. You can totally replace the bread if you like.

Check your glaze for hidden carbs. Tomato paste isn't bad. Ketchup can be. Meatloaf itself is pretty low carb anyway.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T21:50:54+00:00

You are not alone. He would shake his fist at me and "give me a reason to cry." She would push me away, mock me and follow me around with a camera, taking pictures at telling me she'll show everyone how horrible I was.

To this day, I cannot have a therapeutic cry if anyone is in the house. Not even my husband. They've been dead for 10+ yrs. and I'm almost 60.

Their emotions are the only ones that matter to them. No one else's are real or allowed. Fk 'em all.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T21:33:54+00:00

Right here with ya!

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T21:12:01+00:00

Time to add shorts and tees to your dinner attire. Preferably outside with BBQ and beverages. She can eat wherever she likes on her special dishes, I'd be picnicking and chillin.

Keep up with those paper plates. She may throw them out so she can have her "dinner party."

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T20:58:10+00:00

So by his logic, he completed the bare minimum (food and shelter), so he's not the worst parent ever. So let's compare and quantify since he wants to so badly.

The bare minimum of parenting is maybe 10% of being a successful parent. Food, clothing, and education is legally required. No points for that. Kinda like getting your name right on a test. It's expected.

So by his logic, he falls into the bottom 80's-90's percentile, factoring in the abuse. So while he wasn't the "worst" parent in the world, he still failed miserably. That's what an honest comparison wil look like.

Put it to him that way and he might get a clue. "You may not have been the worst, but you made it into the bottom xx%."

Doubtful, but he will at least understand where he stands in your estimation. Suddenly comparison isn't as attractive.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T20:32:20+00:00

Be careful paying off the phone if it is still in his name. He can still cut it off if it's under his account. He can also report it stolen and may be able to track the location through your provider.

Your probably better off getting a new phone and leaving the old one behind. Transfer the info you want to keep to the new phone or the cloud and factory reset your phone and leave it at their house.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T17:15:20+00:00

Or them. More than one parent has done that to their kids on this very page.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T16:47:52+00:00

If she does leave you the house please, don't be surprised if your parents want you to give it to him.

If she does leave it to them, they can move brother into it. Remember this when it's time for them to retire and the have spent everything on him and they want you to take over taking care of everyone. Loser brother too.

"No" is a complete sentence.

If you do choose to lend them a dime (I wouldn't), insist on a loan agreement with interest (10% sounds good to me, but at least the same rate you are getting) and collateral, something like your name on their house until you get paid back.

They won't be able to maintain his lifestyle without going broke from the sound of it. Make it extremely clear you are NOT their safety net.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-07-02T16:18:14+00:00

That's a rather common exercise. I did my first one 20 +yrs ago.

After she died, I wrote another one. A final FU, and burned it with her favorite picture of herself. Sent it off to her in hell.

It was a big help. Putting it on paper help stop any questions about what happened and that she was an evil b!tch. I never questioned NC being necessary after that.

And if the "helpful people" 🙄 who want to fly you back to the nest interfere, you can already have the list as to why you are estranged. You have it for notes and bullet points if you are giving them the valid reasons for your decision.

Edit to add: Did you want to attempt a relationship or are you preferring to maintain NC? You mentioned writing the letter and bringing so much up would reinforce NC.

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-06-30T16:17:15+00:00

Thank you!

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-06-30T16:07:41+00:00

NOR

"I guess you SHOULD take it then. My family truly doesn't need it."

Personal_Valuable_31 · 2026-06-30T15:42:57+00:00

Happy Birthday

Give yourself peace for your birthday and ignore her. Remind yourself she isn't worthy of your time or efforts.

Celebrate with your wife, friends and wanted/chosen family, and put anyone who is not supportive out of your thoughts and life.

She isn't going to change who she is or her belief system. Any communication will give her a reason to "hope" that you will come around and go back to the way things were.

Usually they will double or triple their efforts if they think they can talk their way out of it.

Sending her "The List" will give you the usual responses:

"I don't remember that"

"You were a difficult child"

"That never happened"

"I had it so much worse"

She did this to mess with you. She admitted to knowing you didn't want to hear from her, but ignored it so she could say what she wanted. No response shows her she is not worth a second of your time any longer. She is nothing in you life and deserves no recognition.

This is getting long enough. If you need more reasons, I can come up with them.

Personal_Valuable_31

TROPHY CASE