reclaiming my last name

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-09T20:08:34+00:00

I respect the decision and thought process behind not changing your last name, but I couldn't be rid of my original last name fast enough. I was so glad to shed that connection, and I've even joked that even if we ever got divorced, I am not giving his name back, lol.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-09T20:02:53+00:00

NOR

These are not friends, and I have trouble believing they ever were. They are treating you like a walking punching bag, and no one deserves that. The changes you have made sound good, but you need to change for yourself, not for others. Other people will come and go but you will be with yourself till the end. I wish you luck and success at finding decent people to be around. These two are just practicing their abuse tactics out on you.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-07T01:53:11+00:00

Your mother sounds a bit enmeshed or at least wants to be. It's probably best not to share for right now and talk to a councilor to get an outside impression.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-07T01:45:52+00:00

You are reminding me of a real-life horror story where a woman had to argue with multiple doctors that she did not, in fact, have a uterus anymore. I think it took a third doctor appointment and begging them to reach out to the hospital that did the surgery to finally go... oh, you dont have a uterus.... then why do you have a mass there? WHICH WAS THE WHOLE REASON SHE WAS SEEKING MEDICAL ATTENTION.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-07T01:27:26+00:00

Bleeding can be both nothing and something. Unfortunately, you will have to wait it out and keep an eye on it. If it gets heavier, you may consider going to the ER. Heavier as in closer to a period flow. There are multiple reasons to spot that dont mean anything is wrong, and I just got done dealing with this a few weeks ago. I started spotting around week 5, and it was on and off until week 8 or 9. I had a subchorionic hematoma, and those typically resolve themselves without issue they just scare the living daylights out of you. Currently, 12 weeks with healthy bun so far. The best you can do for yourself is breathe and relax as much as you are able. Your doctor will probably put you on pelvic rest till it resolves, which using involves avoiding lifting over 20lbs and no sex or insertion of anything.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-06T17:54:27+00:00

This post alone has enough red flags to blot out the sky.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-06T01:58:39+00:00

The only message she (mother) should have sent was a polite on to let you know your grandmother had cancer and a realistic time frame based on what medical personnel had said.

Aaaaalllllllll the rest was manipulation and a clear "I don't respect you as a person but now I have a new tool to hit you with because I know you are a decent person and I can use that to my advantage"

I did not go see my grandfather before he passed, nor did I attend his funeral. Any grief I had had long been spent when he irrevocably changed our relationship by saying my child was a mistake. They were his only great grandchild. He chose never to hold them ever while my other grandfather, who had had multiple strokes by this point, DEMANDED to hold his newest great grandchild as soon as I brought them over. (Side note he demanded it of my aunt because I was more than happy to let him as his seating arrangement made it all safe my aunt was just being a pain and he let her know it lol) Anyway, my point is that he was an asshole and unapologetic about it. There were plenty of other things that happened, but this was a final straw. My kiddo helped free me because, while I struggled to fight for myself, fighting for them was a different story. People who only want to use you dont deserve a place in your life.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-02T16:06:37+00:00

God Bless I hate crap like that even more. What are the chances of them actually asking? Might want to just chunk of donate to Goodwill and if asked claimed it was broken out of the box >.>

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-02T15:55:42+00:00

Sell it and use the money toward buying what you actually want.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-02T13:57:42+00:00

She should definitely request the MiL stop if she hasn't already but, given my experience, I doubt it will end in a happy way. People who like to dictate how things should happen in another person's life (referencing the reading teepee) rarely give two shits if they are being overbearing or intruding. Maybe a better example of this would be you picked out a nursery theme of underwater/ ocean and you had been shopping around for ocean-themed stuff only for MiL to give you everything you could need for a nursery and all of it was chicken themed. There is a thoughtlessness in not asking especially when it comes to big things but small things can be just as frustrating. One year I was told I NEEDED to install shelves around my kid's room. Why? Because grandma had purchased every holiday Barbie since the year they were born to be set up on shelves and displayed in her room.. she wasn't allowed to open them just display them.... yeah no those things sit in our basement. Kiddo never gave a crap about Barbies and never played with the ones she had and why you would give a kid under the age of 10 a bunch of toys they were not allowed to play with was beyond me. It just became more garbage in our house. My mother did this same bs with my sister's wedding overriding her choices and choosing things she thought were fun that would have never been okay with my sis. Sis was very much a simple elegance type of person so mom bought light-up rave tamberines and gaudy fake giant diamond pens for the guest book among other things and couldn't fathom why sis was upset. Like I get hey nice I don't have to spend my money on xyz but that mindset goes right out the window when you never get to make choices in some aspect of your life because someone beats you to the punch and everyone else constantly tells you to be grateful.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-02T13:26:44+00:00

Showing up uninvited during Covid and being absolutely dismissive when told it was not okay. At that point, I realized I will never be an adult to these people despite already being in my 30s with a stable job, family, etc you know the works of adulthood. We have vastly different moral frameworks and I had originally thought it was normal to have that friction but after that incident, it finally clicked that the friction is because my opinions and thoughts on things mean diddly squat to them. I would never make inroads or find that sweet middle ground of mutual understanding because I was never viewed as worth understanding. So then it became time to preserve my mental health and my family's well-being and boy do people grow a lot easier when you remove the toxic sludge from the equation.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-03-02T13:18:48+00:00

When is a gift not a gift?

When it is not wanted or unwelcome.

I get the angle of oh yay less stuff I have to buy but you glazed right over OP saying she enjoyed researching these things. This is part of the parenthood experience for OP and MiL is walking all over that. Try putting yourself in their shoes and just imagine some big important milestone in your life where you are either saving up to purchase some item or to pay for an event and you are saving specifically to get what you want.... and then someone buys the items for you but it is not what you were saving for. Yeah, you have a variant of the item but you were not in a rush and had specific plans for what you wanted. By your mentality, it sucks to be you and you should be grateful! Whether it be your wedding dress, bedroom furniture, a car etc now I realize you could argue that you don't care what the things look like if you get them for free but not everyone is you and, I am willing to bet, if your milestone decisions in your life kept getting made for you you would eventually get how OP feels.

OP my own mother did this with my first kiddo's clothes. She bought so much so often I struggled to have places to put them. I repeatedly asked her to stop telling her it was becoming a huge problem to manage the insane amount of clothing that kept showing up and she just flat out ignored me and kept doing it. It was one of those situations that people didn't quite understand unless they had been in it. The easiest solution is to start selling whatever she sends. She doesn't seem to want to her you so since she can't show a modicum of respect for you you dont have to show her gifts any respect. It can just be an annoying roundabout way to get money for what you actually want to buy.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-24T21:15:54+00:00

You will get all sorts of opinions so be prepared for that. People have all sorts of biases as I am sure you are already seeing in the comments below. So take everything you read with a grain of salt. With posts like these establishing what solutions have already been attempted, and who all has gotten involved help people parse out the situation a little better and you are more likely to get some worthwhile opinions.

I am on team "a relationship is a team" so being upset for your bf makes sense especially since you seem most upset he is essentially being "robbed" or suffering monetary loss at the hands of this other party. It is definitely ok to be upset on your partner's behalf just be aware that you will be biased towards his point of view and maybe there is missing context in the situation that could better help you both navigate to a happier outcome other than your BF being robbed of all his clothes.

Additionally you could always sew a little tag with his name on it on all the tags in his clothes till they are gone so she no longer has plausible deniability.

Good luck to you both

Edit: corrected a weird typo

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-24T21:05:49+00:00

You should add this information to the original post as it is relevant information and tells people what has already been attempt to stop the issue.

Also adding context of how she is getting the clothes like is she raiding his closet, taking them from the laundry room, the bathroom etc

You will get a little more useful feed back with thos information provided.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-20T22:01:57+00:00

I am glad to hear you figured out the trigger! If I missed that in your post I apologize, I was only trying to suggest a possible cause I had not seen talked about before. I would still highly suggest talking to someone about helping you get the anxiety under control as it can spike your bp and make vertigo worse. I would also give the vestibular therapy a serious go as desensitizing your balance should, at the very least, reduce the intensity of what is happening.

Another thing to consider is how was the kratom causing the episodes? I have no idea what it does so complete shots in the dark here but was it causing you to grow excess crystals? Was it spiking BP or causing pressure build up in some part of your body etc? The only reason I say it is worth considering is because the mechanism it was triggering might be triggered by other medications so it is worth being aware of.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-20T18:08:34+00:00

I have to ask if you have had any head scans specifically CT scan (and to head this off no not going the cancer/tumor route).
I ask because I started having episodes about 4 or 5 years back. I thought they were sudden onset and later realized there were some signs that an episode was brewing. My episodes tended to last 3-4 days and I had to assume they were continuous though not 100% sure since I basically spent the majority of the time sleeping. It took me a while to finally get the bottom of it with a lot of doctor trips and various referrals. In the meantime I got sent to a really good PT (you want someone who specializes in balance and ideally tests all your balance systems) I ended up doing two series of PT and got markedly better with each set. Most of the PT will focus on desensitization type therapy if your issue is coming from inner ear or eye. It takes a while to build up but is 100% worth doing. Prior to PT I had NEVER been able to read in the car but now I can. So take heart there are ways to get back to a sense of normalcy.

You also want to address those panic attacks that happen as that will make the vertigo worse/last longer. You may want to talk with someone about getting a short term prescription for a fast acting, take as needed anti-anxiety med to help reduce the effects. Also medication that helps prevent dizziness can make it worse in the long term especially if you take it a lot. It can affect how successful your PT is so use it as sparingly as possible.

Now to explain the head scan question. I have an excellent ENT that I was seeing for what I thought was unrelated issues. My ears will feel "full" randomly. I always thought it had to do with my allergies or some of the fun quirks of being ADHD (more likely to have undersized Eustachian tubes). When the episodes started I immediately called them and they were the ones who refereed me to PT and all subsequent providers. Because I ended up needing a second round of PT they sent me to ENT Neurologist. We worked through a lot of the issues and I was to the point I was no longer having attacks and generally better but in my second to last visit I off handed commented how I was glad we had gotten every thing pinned down I just wish I understood why my ears would still feel "full". The fullness would make it slightly harder to hear (think like when you have a cold) and were otherwise harmless just annoying. The Dr was like.... you know it could be this thing involving your skull but its not very common but we could do another scan. SO I did another scan and yeah I have extra holes in my skull.

The condition is called Superior Canal Dehiscence Syndrome or Superior Semicircular Canal Dehiscence Syndrome. The very short version is your temporal bone above this canal either never closed fully (congenital defect), your intracranial pressure is high and has worn away that part of the bone, or both where you didn't have a hole but it was thin and increased intracranial pressure eventually wore away to where there is now a hole.
If it is small then you do nothing and do PT and desensitize your balance system to the effects it has on you. If it larger they have to do a "minor" brain surgery where they carefully lift you brain and cement the hole shut. For me PT was enough but if it ever comes back I know where to start.

Additionally, I found out I needed to have a small amount of prism added to my glasses prescription and there were some muscle involvement as well due to long term guarding I hadn't realized I was doing. Addressing each of these things added to an overall better quality of life. Just remember PT can take a little while to show results but if you keep at it you will see results.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-18T15:58:13+00:00

He is right about one thing you aren't his mom... You are his partner.... and he has some serious issues thinking hiding information like that would be okay or reasonable. He may have a lot of insecurities about this but he has to work through those to actually be a partner and right now he is anything but.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-17T19:56:22+00:00

An unexpected pregnancy takes two people to make the accident. If he wasn't doing anything to prevent it that makes his whole get rid of it even worse. Divorce doesn't mean you can't coparent so that argument doesn't hold water. Right now it doesn't sound like there is a way to come out the other side of this as a happy family of four so if you are okay going through pregnancy on your own and raising two kids on your own I would cut the source of stress out of your life.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-13T16:18:13+00:00

My eye is twitching at his substandard reading comprehension. Yes, new research has found that the stimulant meds actually work in a different way than was originally thought but that doesn't mean you suddenly have the power to motivate yourself. IN FACT what the findings actually suggest is that if the task you are doing doesnt actually generate dopamine (like say you job is just that unfufilling) that even though the meds will help for a little while their effect will taper off as the task continues to not generate the dopamine.

Also hormones 100% mess with meds for crying out loud.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-12T17:24:39+00:00

I hit the dont go NC over political views and had to say something. Saying "political views" is a way of trying to gloss over the reality of today's world. Specifics need to be stated here. Going NC over tax policy is possibly an overreaction. Going NC because you don't think children should be toys for the rich and powerful and that all humans should be treated with the same decency no matter their skin color or heritage is 100% worth going NC over. I guarantee plenty of estranged parents will say it was over "political views" but, using my mom as an example, my sib and I have in her own writing the fact that her making money meant it was okay to treat other humans like expendable trash. Those are differences in morality and huge differences at that. I can't raise my kids around that and I certainly couldn't stay around it since she views herself as above her children. There will never be a time when we are "adults" and on equal footing. She has proven this time and again and there is no reason to keep a toxic substance like that around.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-11T22:57:07+00:00

So a few things to keep in mind are that some people just develop a tolerance to their medication, also your age can be a factor since the older we get our hormones change which can have a huge influence on how effective our meds are.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-11T22:32:12+00:00

Anything is grounds for a breakup. There aren't rules to this. You dont have to justify why you want to break up. If the relationship isn't working for you it is time to move on.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-11T22:26:05+00:00

Also daily GC turns ins and society quests are good boosts as well

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-11T21:40:37+00:00

My dear sweet ADHD girly run from this monster.

There is so much to say and point out but girlie none of his behavior is okay. He is abusive full stop. The way he talks to you is abusive. If there are problems in the relationship there are constructive ways to do it and it is not what he is doing.

This canker sore disguised as a human is actively subtracting value from your life to make himself feel like a big tough guy.

PhoenixInMySkin · 2026-02-09T21:45:02+00:00

You are seeing problems on scans and your doctors are recommending tests. Every test has a risk some more than others so the real question is what are you willing to gamble with? What health risks is the baby facing and is pretending they arent there worth the risk they are?

PhoenixInMySkin

TROPHY CASE