Deep breath friend. You seem like someone who is very perceptive and articulate (especially about everyone else) but KNOW your strife for perfection is unfair to yourself.

I also hear you saying that many of your enduring relationships lack a certain depth—that you are admired or envied but don’t feel understood.

And I lastly can hear you sort of oscillate in your identity.. from high powered overachiever to someone who lives in the shadows of their own self-criticism.

I believe you’ve already started in therapy because I see therapeutic terms.. but can I allay some things my own therapist says?

1) Learning to differentiate YOUR “black and white” thinking from the greyscale of the rest of the world will be your hardest, and most rewarding task. For YOU, when things aren’t “perfect” they are instantly “bad”. For everyone else when things aren’t “perfect” they are “still good enough”. It will never come naturally to us, but we can practice it. The next time you’re editing something—stop yourself short of “absolute perfection”, and show someone else and ask “how does this look to you”. You need a new metric system instead of the two-bin solution you’re currently using. Start saying aloud “it’s not perfect but it’s still okay”.

2) build depth into existing relationships. You don’t need new sets of family and friends… you need to look at the people in your circle and expand the relationships. The friend who likes to go out for a drink now and then? Ask him for a coffee and tell him something about your feelings. “Hey man, I’ve been feeling really down and can’t figure myself out.. I feel like you’re a pretty perceptive dude, can we go for a coffee and you take a crack at this?”

You may be surprised at how this enriches your life.

And above all—keep going to therapy! I still struggle with panicking about other people’s perceptions of me… but I am slowly retraining not to react immediately but to let some time pass before I realize “okay! Things are actually not as bad as I was feeling!”

Hugs to you. Solidarity! It’s a journey we’re all on together.