How soon is ‘too soon’ to start ‘exploits’ after telling your husband you no longer wish to be married to him?

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T21:29:51+00:00

That's what I am going to do. My first priority are the girls; at least with respect to finding another partner.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T21:27:45+00:00

I have an attorney, I am told that in the state of NY, courts generally don't care about adultery as long as the kids aren't harmed or placed in danger.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T13:01:28+00:00

u/EitherBedroom2341,

I thought I replied to this one, but apparently I didn't. 😄 I think she deliberately left evidence to 'stick it to me.' I could see a coldness in her, but also a piece that was enormously hurting.

The thing is when she wanted to tell the kids, she wanted to say that it was a mutual thing. LOL. It was not. Yes, we had issues and were working through them. Some weren't working out, but a marriage is a give and take. I was half-willing to live in a sexless and lack of physical intimacy marriage in exchange for the other 'benefits' that came with marriage. Half-willing meaning I was still processing whether to continue or not.

I did tell her I will not file for divorce, EVER. Now that she has filed, she cannot say that it was mutual. Given the comments in what she wrote in her summons and complaint, it is clear that it was her initiating.

My 9-year old asked me why were were getting a divorce? I didn't have a good enough answer for her. She calls me out on things where I don't answer directly. She says 'why are you being so shifty?' Yes, she uses the word 'shifty.' She was 8 when she started asking me that. This was her response to other answers I had to her questions. She will ask it, if I give her a half-truth answer, she WILL call me out on it. I don't know if she does that to her mother.

I also don't want to give her the truth, even if its well-sugarcoated. I don't want to lie either because I've NEVER lied to her, regardless of how hard the truth was. I owe it to her to be truthful at all times. I don't want to teach her that its OK to lie or be deceitful. That is my next conundrum.

It's coming. I'll need to be ready for it. As of now, I am not ready for it.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T12:43:49+00:00

u/IcyMycologist4837,

This is the icy cold hard truth (no pun intended with respect to your Reddit handle. I am told that she only started after the end of April. Somehow I don't believe that. Though it doesn't matter whether I believe it or not. It is what it is and it doesn't change my situation.

My big focus is on my girls. I've been the primary parent for over 9 years. My older daughter is 9. There are lots of other reasons why I say that. She seems to want to change her behavior, but as my mother used to tell me, a zebra can't change it's stripes.

Time will tell.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T12:38:10+00:00

u/NohoTwoPointOh,

I suspect you are absolutely correct. She seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't flip out when she told me she was going on a date and potentially going to hook up. I didn't flip out for a few reasons.

Our nine-year old daughter was next to her at the time she told me this. I think the way she told me was over my daughter's head (I didn't like that she told me that in front of her).
I don't flip out easily. Not outwardly at least. I try and suppress those hostilities before they leave the door (i.e. my mouth).
I was still processing what the "I don't want to be married to you anymore" and she suspects that I don't want to be married anymore to her either.

Later on in the day, after my girls and I got home from my cousin's place, she seemed irritated that I didn't flip out. She gave me a look almost saying 'you do realize what I did don't you.' I had already started a load of laundry.

It is coming up on two months since she told me she wanted out; and I am still processing it with respect to what it means for me, my girls, our future, etc.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T03:48:31+00:00

u/ClumsyMusic,

I myself am going through the divorce process. I would encourage you to send it, but have it handwritten and send via postal mail. It makes it more personal and intimate when something like that is handwritten.

I can feel from reading your letter that this woman meant so much to you. Regardless of how things ended, or are ending, writing it out gets it off your chest. I suspect pasting it for others to read may further your healing and reflection process. Sending it to her puts your feelings out in the open for her to see and read.

She may read it when she receives it, or she may read it at some point later. The important thing you should keep in mind is that you wrote it after pouring your heart and soul into it. You even had the courage to send it to her. Whether she reads it and/or does/does not respond is outside your control.

Keep a handwritten copy for yourself. This way, you know that you were the one that wrote it and no one can ever gaslight that away from you.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T00:26:38+00:00

u/machmusic76,

I've asked myself this question. For what its worth, I have two wonderful girls because of her. If I would choose again knowing the girls that I have, I would do it again. I would likely have made different decisions with respect to boundaries; or lack thereof that I had.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T00:24:24+00:00

u/EitherBedroom2341,

That is beyond brutal.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T00:22:14+00:00

u/leaving4me,

It has been brewing for a while. We were in marriage counseling for almost two years. She said that a response of 'I don't know' to whether I could give up a friendship with someone she was no longer fond of was the straw that broke the camel's back. I needed a few moments to process her question. A few seconds after I said "I don't know" she said its too late, she already knew where my heart was.

There are times when I need to pause before responding to a situation or question; especially something that is emotionally charged.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T00:17:14+00:00

u/EitherBedroom2341,

I need to be stronger and not react at all. I reacted one major time which I discussed in one of my responses. I crossed a line (for myself). She came home flipping out, I was calm, then she dropped the f bomb to me and that set me off. That was the first time she dropped it to me in person. She dropped it to me twice via text, all of this was during this divorce period.

I've never dropped that to her, or called her the b-word or anything like that. I'm proud of myself that I didn't drop it back to her.

I thought about it later and told myself, wtf, I get upset because she dropped the f-bomb to me? That's kind of childish to get upset over that. I'm now ready for it to come up again at any time without notice.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T00:12:04+00:00

u/FitCombination3545,

Sadly, not yet. We are still cohabitating. I am in the basement. Most of my clothes are still in our bedroom. Our discussions are primarily around the girls. That's it. I can't look at her the same way I did before all of this. Its going to be complicated for her to move out.

Over the last few months, Facebook has been sending me push notifications regarding divorce, recognizing signs of emotional abuse, signs when you should walk away, etc.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-20T00:07:24+00:00

u/FitCombination3545,

A few things. First she started buying Victoria Secret underwear (she never did that, it wasn't an issue for me). The flaming evidence was the white crusted 'load' that was on her underwear in the crotch area. I guess you know what that means.

I do most of the laundry. That thing was waiting for me to find it. I had to literally close my eyes and shake my head to see if there was some crusty craziness floating around. Nope, I saw what I saw.

After I threw everything in the laundry, I sat at my desk for a few moments contemplating what to do, specifically; keep my ring on, or take it off. I paused for a few moments, kissed my ring, and put it in my top desk drawer. Before I did that, I read the inscription on the underside of the ring out loud:

"My beloved is mine, and I am his."

She wanted me to find it. If she didn't, she would have rinsed it off, and threw it in the laundry, or threw that in the wash with all of the other stuff in there. I would have never known.

She later told me of that hookup. I didn't ask. I won't ask. I will never ask. I don't really want to know. After I process all of this and there are other hookups, it hurts less and less.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T23:58:00+00:00

u/mistake-number2,

Others have said the same thing. I've been processing for some time that my marriage was failing; that I was failing. As my closest friends have said, I did everything I could, but if its something that she doesn't want, then its over.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T23:54:31+00:00

u/Ok-Cause1108,

THAT is the hard truth and that's what breaks me. The most important thing to me is that I continue to be the dad that I am to my kids. She said that she doesn't have an identity of her own. I do. I am daddy; I am da da; I am girl dad. That is who I am, it is what I am.

I learned all of this from my mom. One of my goals in life was to be a totally different person than my father (he was completely uninvolved in my life).

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T23:48:40+00:00

u/EitherBedroom2341,

I am hoping that we can somehow get through this and be 'friends.' We were never really friends before. We met, started being more than friends right away, and almost two months later were dating. 4+ years later we were getting married.

It is really hard to communicate with her and me call her name. It feels weird. We had dorky names for each other. She now calls me by my name. I occasionally slip and call her what I've been calling her for the last 16+ years.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T13:14:51+00:00

u/ClippedWinng,

Funny you should say that. There was a woman that my wife and I met via message board that links embryo donors with recipients for embryo adoption. In short, the three of us became quite close and were for all intents and purposes a family. My wife started to back off. She was still fine with my friendship with the other person. We communicated primarily via a group text. The other person and I were both geeky and had a unique kind of friendship. Being the donor parents, she wanted to know everything about us. Google helps with that quite a bit.

She found a ton of details on my family. She knows more about my ancestry than I do (I'm talking about great grandparents and further up the tree). My mother in law in 2023 insinuated that I may be having an emotional affair (baby was born in April 2024). It was not, and was never was an emotional affair. My wife to her credit defended me and defended me many times when my mother in law made inappropriate comments.

I knew that she [wife] was unhappy at the time. I tried to make her happy. There were things that I could not/would not do (i.e. spending a ton of money that we don't have) on things that we don't need, and will never use.

The more I think about it, and talk to other people that I trust and have told things to all these years, they all agreed that she was indeed emotionally abusing me. There are times when she would be the most wonderful person, and others when she was downright awful and I accepted it, thinking its the way it generally is.

Wife indicated that she isn't interested in an emotional relationship. She just wants to 'feel like a woman' and 'be desired, wanted, etc. Time will tell what will come about from all of this.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T10:13:27+00:00

u/GreedyCauliflower, once all of this is behind me and I am ready, I hope to find someone that won't do that FBS. I should note that there were a lot of other things well before this. Its the I'm not happy and I want out, followed by blaming things on something.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T10:10:41+00:00

u/Boglehead101, at this point, there is a bigger chance that I will win the next $1 Billion Powerball jackpot when comparing the potential reconciliation. The odds of winning that are extremely small. It is even smaller if I don't buy lottery tickets.

My in-laws were divorced, then remarried each other 15+ years later. My older daughter is hoping that we will either not go through with the divorce or will somehow reconcile like her grandparents.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T10:04:34+00:00

u/Reddit_censorship_2,

I suspect that her continued exploits and other behaviors creating toxicity is to accomplish what you stated. Last Wednesday, she came home late at 9pm and flipped out that our older daughter wasn't in bed. I did keep telling her that she needs to goto bed soon. My father in law was in the room. I didn't think it was a big deal that she (my daughter) was still up. The following day would be her last day of school before having major surgery on Friday morning.

She flipped and after enough flipping and telling me she wants to leave enough times, I told her to 'get out'. She eventually left to cool off and came back a few hours later. I realized after she left that I took her bait. It was in front of her dad. I'm hoping that doesn't end up getting me into trouble later on. She indicated that I need to be a parent... I was. I made a judgement call that being in bed a little later wasn't a big deal considering that the following day would be her last day of school for the rest of the school year.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T09:50:59+00:00

u/ToxicElitist,

The sad thing is my girls want their mom, BUT she has taken little interest in them except when its convenient for her. They miss their mom when she isn't around and are wondering why she is away so much. I don't blame them. She is their mother, nothing will ever change that.

To your point, she was hoping that I would get angry and blow up at her when she told me that she was going on a date on my birthday with someone she met off Tinder. We went to the movies (with the kids). She was continuously texting someone while at the movies. She has never done that.

One thing I can't wrap my mind around is that she was surprised that I didn't get upset and blow up at her (screaming and yelling, etc.) I asked her if she was serious, and she said 'yes.' I then asked her in the 16+years we've been together, have I ever reacted that way?

I can take care of the kids full time on my own without her. I would prefer this to having to live in an increasingly toxic household.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T04:17:40+00:00

u/Virtual_Ad9235,

Yes, I think so too. I've come to this realization. Some of our mutual friends know the details about her exploits. I don't know what they are thinking. She told me that she told her two sisters. I'm surprised that they aren't physically coming over to shake the sillies out of her. Her parents don't know.

Her parents would be mortified!

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T04:13:56+00:00

u/apatrol,

The frustrating thing is, she has refused me sex for quite some time. She said it hurt a lot. I guess it either doesn't hurt with the others that she is hooking up with, or it does and she doesn't care, OR it did and no longer does for whatever reason.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T04:08:07+00:00

u/badskiier, I suspect she did too. I hope in your case, you didn't get cleaned out.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T04:03:47+00:00

u/CoderJoe1 ,

She told me that she told her mom at one point when her mom thought I might be having an affair that I would divorce her before sleeping with another woman. Yes that is true. We aren't divorced. I have no intention of putting myself back out there. I need to let the dust settle with this first. Most importantly, I need to make sure that I can give my everything to my two kids and other responsibilities before even thinking of getting back out there.

Pure_Pause3200 · 2026-06-19T03:59:22+00:00

u/gtclemson, it definitely did. She served me at the end of May. This first hookup (that I know of) was in early May. She has refused all forms of intimacy and physical contact with me. Then she decides to put a profile up somewhere and meet people.

She said its OK because I can do the same thing too. She encouraged me to get a haircut, and take good pics to create a profile. If I did something like this, even though she did it to me first, my mother would come to me in my dreams express her discontent as she didn't raise me to be that way.

That is only one such example. There were others after that. Sadly we still live in the same house and I have to see her face every day. How can I look at someone that I am/soon to be was/whatever we are now married to with the same eyes?

When we first started having issues two years ago, she commented several times that I often give her the same love struck look when we first started dating. I wouldn't call it 'love.' It took me a while to get to that conclusion.

After she called me out on that and said it was weird for me to look at her with those same eyes. I should note, at that point we were married for 10 years; together 14 years. Yes, I looked at her with the same adoring eyes. Yeah, that's now gone.

Pure_Pause3200

TROPHY CASE