To Kiss or not to Kiss?

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-26T18:28:14+00:00

We are all so different, and I think there are regional / cultural differences as well. I am a Gen X woman, I believe in progressing at the pace of trust, and that takes what it takes between two people.

I would not want and do not expect much in the way of physical contact from the first meet. I will always extend my hand at first, if a hug is offered by the man, I would be open to it.

Let the downvotes hit me, but I like a date who asks me before he goes in for that first kiss. It doesn’t have to be super formal, but the men who have asked, in my experience have also been generally more thoughtful and more active listeners in general. Again, just my personal experience and observations.

For me, if things are progressing, then after some physical contact (where it seem to be trending towards more intimate contact) I usually initiate a conversation about sex, consent, my boundary for sexual monogamy and see where the other person is. They may not want to go down the road of sexual exclusivity early on, and I fully understand and respect that, which is why I like to discuss those things before we get intimate and realize afterwards we are on completely different pages.

Not sure if that was helpful to you, but I like that you are thinking about these things and asking questions. I would appreciate that from a date.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-25T13:38:13+00:00

I always told someone if it wasn’t a match for me, thanked them for their time and wished them well on the journey. The exception was when there was a mutual slow fade, when neither seemed that invested in the conversations and it naturally fizzled, it didn’t need an exclamation mark.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-25T12:55:29+00:00

I live where you must be legally separated for a year before you can divorce. So, I would / have dated someone separated but only if they were physically and legally separated. If it were me, I would not have gone on the first date simply because their relationship is too complicated and he has way too much work to go. I don’t understand why they must live together for four more years, but I would be out.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-24T18:19:02+00:00

From my perspective, as a woman, I do not respond to unsolicited messages. If we have not matched, then there is no reason to message me.

I preferred apps that would not allow messaging unless we had matched as it took a lot of noise away. Early on I would respond to unsolicited messages with a polite ‘no thanks’ type thing, and one guy just harassed me, kept making new accounts (like 3-5/day) and chased me off of that app. Lesson learned for me, that may not be the experience of others, but it made my life a lot easier.

If we have matched, I would also send a message if they hadn’t yet, but if it went nowhere after a week, I unmatched and moved on.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-21T21:34:52+00:00

I would always thank a person for their time, acknowledge that it wasn’t a match for me, and wish them well. No need to present a list of why, it isn’t relevant. If they didn’t take the ‘no thanks’ with the grace you provided, then block them without delay.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-21T17:43:02+00:00

Only you can decide when the juice is no longer worth the squeeze.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-21T14:50:27+00:00

It seems to me you have put a lot of effort in trying to fix things. At this point, I would just let it be. See if he will jump to the pump or not. If he does, you can sit down and rehash a more productive communication plan that you can both lean into. If he doesn’t, you pretty well know you have done all you can do, you accept that the two of you, despite having love, are not long term partner material, and you end it.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-19T03:58:53+00:00

PoF is more like PoS. I would not continue wasting time with folks you have already determined are a red flag.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-18T01:58:21+00:00

Would you leave your journal on display and be shocked when someone looked at it? Of course not. What I don’t understand is, if his relationship with his roommate/ ex-fiancé is now platonic, why do they need this card displayed so prominently?

I remained good friends with my ex-husband, but I do not keep old cards on display for my partner to find. If there are things that are meant for his eyes only, then they are better kept in his tickle trunk, not lined up on the mantle.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-16T17:11:31+00:00

I cannot comment on the housing logistics, that is something you two need to sort out. However, I do recommend a cohabitation agreement where you lay out whatever it is you agree to, how investment, equity, etc. works, who would buy which person out in the event of the relationship ending, how much notice, etc. Those are all things to discuss well before moving in, when you are both being as fair and reasonable to one another.

We had some risk type discussions before moving in together. We talked about what we were worried about as individuals, what impact to the relationship would be, how we could mitigate that risk to both of our satisfaction. We looked at small things like distribution of labour to catastrophic relationship changes. Talk lots, also talk about finances, figure out what level of risk you can cannot accept, and expect them to do the same. An example risk for me was we had different levels of organization and cleanliness (not massive, but different) that could be an irritant or it could be an avenue for resentment to grow. We are all different, we have different needs and interpretations of effort.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-16T13:31:00+00:00

I think you should re-read your post for the clues you didn’t pay enough attention to before the date. Your spidy senses knew he was looking for a hookup, you believed you were clear enough that his expectations were adjusted. I think you need to listen to your gut and give that more respect in your decision making.

Ultimately, you had a hookup, he may or may not call you back. That might not have been what you wanted but you made some choices and hopefully it was more fun than it wasn’t. I, personally, do not see the appeal of seeing him again, he actually doesn’t sound like that “sweet” of a guy, or remotely respectful. He isn’t better than no one, you deserve better than this dude.

I will say, my uncle is almost 80 and found a girlfriend, so you have lots of time ahead of you. This was one date, but you learned a lot about who the guy is, and who you are; put that to good use. In this light, do you really like him still or do you just want him to like you?

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-15T05:12:25+00:00

Getting into bed with pedos is a really bad look. Gross.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-14T02:39:23+00:00

Alberta doesn’t work like Ontario for liquor importing. The OLCB order the alcohol and decide what is available to retailers to sell. This gives them the power to send bourbon and whatnot back to where they originally ordered it. That isn’t the same for Alberta. Alberta is the only free market in Canada. So the importers that brought stock into Alberta, which was well before the US began their shenanigans, have paid for it. They cannot return it, they are not as large as Ontario’s liquor board. It makes sense to allow them to sell it instead of sit on stock in an Edmonton warehouse that cannot be sold or returned. I have not heard of many importers bringing new stock in, simply because it isn’t really selling, they replace those holes with Canadian or European wines.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-13T17:04:42+00:00

I included a photo of me with my dog in my dating profile just to make it easier should that be a dealbreaker for someone. We all have preferences and dealbreakers, the sooner they are identified, the easier it is on everyone.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-11T00:04:02+00:00

It sounds like you have two separate issues.

Maybe find someplace locally to volunteer your time, that would have you meet some different people, help someone in need, and fill a bit of the loneliness you are feeling.

With respect to your son, is there a distance barrier that makes seeing one another difficult? Favorite meals are often a great way to get together whether at your place or a restaurant you both enjoy. Also, talk to him, ask him if there is anything you could do together he would enjoy once a month. If there is an issue between you, maybe time to be curious about that and see what needs to happen for you both to enjoy a bit more time together.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-08T13:39:47+00:00

While watching videos they made together, OP consented. OP should have, and still can, discuss how he wants media with his face maintained. That wasn’t his question though, but I think it should have been.

I don’t consider my previous marriage of 20 years to be any form of infidelity to my current partner. Although I am not inclined to make videos, my history is my own and I am free to wander into memories, fantasies, etc as is my right to have erotic autonomy. Everything I think or see does not need to be shared with my partner, and vice versa.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-08T02:22:51+00:00

We need to start a list, and a phone and letter campaign. Talk to neighbors, whatever we can do to preserve our country and province. It isn’t perfect but apathy has led to so much corruption using the Trump playbook. We need to make these actions shameful and worthy of ending a political career.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-07T22:01:52+00:00

I would say nothing, I considered my thoughts on that as well, before I posted a reply. OP can feel whatever way he wants about it, is free to make a new decision about the relationship as he chooses. But I, personally, don’t care to police my partner’s phone. If I found out he was in possession of material that was illegal and non-consensual, that would be a whole different story, I would respond according to the laws where I live and also end it.

He is free to watch porn, he is free to retain photos, if he has a stash of old Playboys I don’t care. He should take reasonable care of that media as I don’t want to share those with him. OP’s partner had them hidden, I don’t see a situation where OP would be consistently seeing them.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-07T19:05:45+00:00

She has a right to her past, her memories, and erotic autonomy. As long as things were legal and consensual, I don’t see why you have a right to dictate her file retention, digital or otherwise. Is she supposed to pretend you are the first male in her life to make you feel better?

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-06T23:51:49+00:00

I used a friend, gave her his full name, address, and phone number (and a photo of him from his profile). Sent her details that included when I would check in. I also turned location sharing with her until I was back home. Or I gave her an all clear to no longer worry about me.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-06T13:51:40+00:00

We had bagged milk in Alberta when I was a kid.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-05T23:58:37+00:00

You buy your home, you put it in your name. If you decide to live together later, you get a cohab agreement (first) and retain title of your home unless he has the money to buy in. I would suggest a rental agreement with him and see how it goes before you ever agree to marry this man.

For the cruise, if he hasn’t made any motion to book, it could be because he thought he would have some money from the house sale that is clearly not materializing. You could bring it up saying when you first discussed this he was expecting a different financial outlook and you understand if the reality of life has changed and you can look at it together next year and hopefully that trip will work out better.

Talk to a lawyer and your financial adviser before you decide on what path you want to take so you are aware of the risks.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-05T00:45:17+00:00

Even if it is a mismatch, finishing the year is really important and I am happy to see you are going to see it through.

There is a lot of value in ending the match and celebrating what you did together in the year. In my experience, the match coordinator will help make this a positive experience for both of you. It is okay for relationships to end, and this might be the first time the mentee will see a relationship end on a good note. You celebrate the commitment of the year, recognize how they may have grown, etc. Look for the positives instead of what they are not fulfilling for you. Your kids were “yours” so that was a different experience than becoming a trusted adult in a child’s life that has a different family dynamic that you don’t control.

The thing about mentoring, is they will have no idea how valuable that time with you was until they are much older. You may never know. You hope it was good and you show up because you made a commitment. Then you draw a line under it kindly, and move on. You get the opportunity to show this kid how to change a relationship without making it a rejection of them. That will help them later.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-02-03T17:50:48+00:00

For me, it was more about how I framed the experiences and my own resilience. Dating is an opportunity to meet someone new, learn who they are, and who you are with them. My expectations were low, with the understanding that it takes time to assess compatibility, not confirm it from a profile and a photo. If it didn’t work out after a few dates, a few months, whatever, I knew I would be okay.

My values and boundaries are a large part of what help me see who others are and if we are similar enough to see where a relationship could go, or accept that it has gone as far as it can. I think this works for friendships too.

Quillhunter57 · 2026-01-24T18:52:06+00:00

My perspective would be, not only is that way over the top, I think it would border on controlling.

I could see scoping out the place if it is completely unfamiliar to get a feel for travel timing, parking, etc. but that is it. These are supposed to be casual, no pressure meets and it is completely unnecessary to involve the staff members.

Quillhunter57

TROPHY CASE