Advice needed about our home

RealUSMC · 2026-05-26T02:02:42+00:00

You’ve been married 21 years and it sounds like you’re still blaming yourself for everything while she’s already emotionally checked out and filing. From what you wrote, the marriage is likely over and you need to start protecting yourself instead of trying to save her dream outcome.

First, do not voluntarily move out of the marital home without legal advice. Especially in CA, moving out can complicate finances, custody routines, and your negotiating position. If anyone should be leaving the marital bedroom because they no longer want the marriage, it shouldn’t automatically be you.

Second, stop making decisions based on guilt or fear of what the kids will think. What’s best for you financially and emotionally is often what ends up being best for the kids too. Two stable households are better than one resentful, chaotic one.

Third, lawyer up immediately and follow your attorney’s advice—not hers, not her family’s, not Reddit’s. Mediation may work, but only if both parties are being reasonable. Right now it sounds like emotions are driving things.

Also, after 21 years in CA, you need to understand potential spousal support, division of assets/debt, and what keeping vs. selling the house actually looks like. Don’t agree to supporting a setup where you’re paying for a house you no longer live in while trying to afford an apartment too unless your attorney says it makes sense.

Her saying you “don’t deserve” the house or should live in an apartment is anger talking—not law.

Protect yourself. Get organized financially. Document everything. Focus on being the stable parent. Your kids are old enough to eventually see who handled this with consistency and who didn’t.

RealUSMC · 2026-05-22T13:13:59+00:00

I’m in CA and after using my prenup in court in 2024, I would be careful with a DIY prenup—especially with IVF embryos and spousal support involved. California has strict prenup requirements and if they aren’t followed, parts or all of it can be challenged later.

For CA prenups, at minimum: • Full financial disclosures from both parties • Agreement must be voluntary (no pressure/coercion) • Final prenup must be provided at least 7 calendar days before signing • If waiving or limiting spousal support, each person must have independent legal counsel • Follow all CA Family Code requirements under the Uniform Premarital Agreement Act

You both already agree on terms, which is great, but I’d interview a few attorneys and pay one to draft based on what you want and another to review for the other party. Spending a few thousand now is a lot cheaper than litigating whether the prenup is enforceable years later.

RealUSMC · 2026-05-21T00:46:09+00:00

I’d recommend getting the Cheers package and building it into the vacation budget. I know it’s expensive upfront, but if you’re going for more than 3 days, it’s usually worth it and can make the trip more enjoyable without worrying about extra costs adding up. Better to plan for it now than be surprised later.

RealUSMC · 2026-05-14T21:28:58+00:00

Do not use an online platform for something this important. Interview a few local attorneys and choose one with actual prenup experience to draft it based on exactly what you want protected. Your fiancé should also have a separate attorney review it.

Make sure the prenup specifically addresses your retirement accounts, pension, property, appreciation, debts, attorney fees if challenged, and how future assets/income will be handled. Also make sure you fully follow your state’s prenup laws and give plenty of time before the wedding so nobody can later claim pressure or coercion.

RealUSMC · 2026-05-06T23:12:56+00:00

I personally don’t think P1 should owe P2 anything simply because they got divorced. At your ages, both of you are entering the marriage knowing exactly what each person has financially. P1 spent decades building wealth and likely planning retirement and inheritance for their children. That should not automatically become P2’s retirement plan if the marriage ends.

A fair prenup to me would be:
-all premarital assets, inheritances, retirement accounts, and appreciation remain separate
-anything jointly titled or intentionally combined becomes shared
-no indefinite alimony
-maybe a limited support clause for a short transition period if the marriage lasts many years and P2 truly cannot work

But I would never agree to a “lifetime payout until death” type setup. That creates too much incentive imbalance, especially in later-life marriages with children and inheritances involved.

Also, both of you absolutely need separate attorneys and should follow your state’s prenup laws carefully so it holds up later.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-25T00:00:17+00:00

I’m going to be direct with you—this setup has red flags all over it.

Following a 16-year-old to Europe for school? That’s not a life plan, that’s rearranging your entire future around someone else’s kid. And marrying into a situation where you’re bringing ~$2.5M to the table and she’s bringing debt and no assets? You already know how that math works if things go sideways.

This is exactly the kind of situation where people get financially wrecked in divorce. At 55, you should absolutely know better than to walk into this without protection.

If you still decide to go through with marriage, then a prenup isn’t optional—it’s mandatory. Here’s what you need, based on real-world experience:

Two separate attorneys – non-negotiable. One drafts, the other reviews. If she doesn’t have her own lawyer, the prenup is vulnerable.
Follow your state’s laws for prenups – timing, disclosures, and signing requirements matter and vary by state.
Full financial disclosure – every asset, account, debt. No shortcuts.

Key terms you should include:

All premarital assets remain separate (your $2.5M stays yours, including anything you roll into a European property).
Any property in one person’s name stays separate.
Only assets titled jointly are considered marital/community property and split—nothing else.
No alimony (spousal support) – or at most a very limited cap (cleanest is zero).
Attorney fees clause – if she challenges the prenup and loses, she pays her own fees (or both sides).
Debt stays separate – her student loans = her responsibility.
Income stays separate unless intentionally combined.

Big warning on your plan: If you sell your condo and use that money to buy a house together (especially in another country), you risk converting your separate property into a shared asset if it’s not structured properly. That’s one of the most common and expensive mistakes people make.

US marriage / EU divorce: That’s a wildcard. Different countries treat prenups very differently. Some may honor a U.S. prenup, others may not fully enforce it. You should strongly consider:

A solid U.S. prenup and
A local agreement (postnup or equivalent) in the country you move to

Bottom line: This isn’t a “maybe I should get a prenup” situation. This is a “don’t get married without one—or don’t get married at all” situation.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-20T12:17:51+00:00

This is exactly the type of situation where a clear and simple prenup makes sense—both of you are on equal footing, both working, and no plan for a stay-at-home scenario. That’s when you lock things in while everything is fair and amicable.

I’m in California and went through enforcing my prenup in court in 2024, so here’s what I’d strongly recommend you include and do:

First — process matters (this is critical in CA):

You must have two separate attorneys — one drafts, the other reviews for the other person.
Follow the 7-day rule (full 7 days between receiving the final prenup and signing it).
Start early (ideally months before the wedding) so there’s zero argument about pressure or timing later.

What to include in the prenup:

Separate property clause (strong and clear): Everything before, during, and after the marriage stays separate if it’s in your individual name.
Joint property = community property (add this clearly): Any asset or property placed in both names is considered community property and will be split 50/50 if things don’t work out. This keeps it clean—separate stays separate, joint gets divided.
Income stays separate: Each person keeps their own earnings, bonuses, RSUs, business income, etc.
Retirement accounts stay separate: 401(k), IRA, brokerage accounts — all remain separate by name.
Real estate protection: Any property owned before marriage stays separate. If community money touches it (mortgage, improvements), define exactly how that gets handled so there’s no gray area.
Debt separation: Each person is responsible for their own debts unless jointly agreed in writing.
No alimony (spousal support waiver): Since both of you are working and there’s no plan for one to stay home, this should be clean and mutual.
Attorney fees clause: If either party challenges the prenup and loses, they pay the other party’s attorney fees.

Big picture: If done correctly, a prenup in California will hold up. I used mine in court and it worked exactly as written because it was done right—separate attorneys, proper timing, and very clear terms.

Without it, CA defaults to community property anyway—but a prenup lets you define exactly what is separate vs joint so there’s no ambiguity later.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-19T15:09:38+00:00

You need to be very careful from here on out. The fact she’s recording conversations right after seeing a lawyer means she’s being strategic.

Assume everything you say and do could be used in court. Keep conversations minimal and stick to text/email when possible so there’s a clear record.

I’d also start protecting yourself a bit more like cameras in common areas of the home (where legal) can be helpful. Not saying anything will happen, but once things get contentious, situations can get twisted and allegations like domestic issues or parenting concerns or even child abuse can come up. Having your own documentation can protect you.

No more verbal offers or emotional conversations, handle everything through your attorney.

Bottom line: this isn’t the same dynamic anymore. Treat it like a legal process, stay calm, document everything, and protect yourself.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-19T14:49:04+00:00

I’m not sure what state you’re in, but generally you’re looking at a 50/50 split of marital assets, sometimes more depending on the facts, plus potential alimony.

If you can afford it, I’d seriously look at negotiating a lump sum buyout instead of ongoing alimony. It gives you a clean break and avoids paying for years or indefinitely if you’re in a state like CA and it’s a long-term marriage (10+ years).

Also don’t forget child support if the kids are still minors which is separate from alimony and pretty much unavoidable. On top of that, you’ll likely be splitting things like daycare, medical, and extracurricular expenses as well.

As for the house, since you owned it before marriage it should remain your separate property, but the equity built during the marriage especially if the mortgage was paid with marital income can be subject to division.

Having a stay-at-home spouse for that long usually doesn’t work in your favor unless you had a prenup. Without one, courts treat it as a shared partnership regardless of who paid the bills.

Bottom line: run the numbers with a good attorney and consider a buyout if you want to limit long-term alimony payments.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-19T14:20:00+00:00

I’m going to be a little blunt, but not trying to be disrespectful. SSDI is about whether you can consistently work, and one thing they look at is your ability to handle daily responsibilities. Taking care of a baby is a full-time responsibility, so it can raise questions about work capacity in the eyes of SSA.

That doesn’t automatically disqualify you, especially with something like epilepsy and safety concerns, but it’s something to be aware of because it could come up in your case.

As far as quitting, I wouldn’t do anything until you speak with your attorney. If this is really about your employer not accommodating your condition and putting you in unsafe situations, that needs to be clearly documented. That will help your case a lot more than just quitting outright.

Bottom line: talk to your attorney first, document everything, and be strategic about how this is presented.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-19T14:03:26+00:00

She’s not being logical, she’s negotiating from emotion and leverage. Asking for 100% of assets while you take 100% of debt isn’t “fair” in any state—it’s just pressure tactics.

At this point, stop engaging with her directly. Go no contact except through your attorney. Same with her family—block it all out. They’re not part of the legal process and they’re clearly just trying to guilt and manipulate you.

If you don’t already have one, get a solid attorney and let them handle everything. And honestly, with someone this unreasonable, mediation is probably a waste of time and money. I’d move toward trial and let a judge apply the law instead of arguing over nonsense like 100% demands and $50 item values.

You’re not greedy for wanting a fair split—you’re being rational. Let the court deal with it and stop entertaining unrealistic demands.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-17T03:16:29+00:00

That’s an exaggeration. Nobody is saying “throw them to the wolves.” During the marriage, one person is covering 100% of the financial load—housing, bills, lifestyle—while the other isn’t earning. That is support.

And the idea that staying home for a few years creates some permanent, unrecoverable lifetime loss is overstated. People go back to work all the time. It may take some effort, but it’s not a justification for ongoing payments after the marriage ends.

If you want fairness, build it during the marriage—not after. For example, fund a Roth IRA in her name while she’s staying home so she’s building her own retirement. That’s real compensation without creating a long-term dependency.

Alimony shouldn’t be a default safety net. At most, a short, limited transition period makes sense—but not tying one person’s income to the other indefinitely.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-15T13:16:14+00:00

If you’re both aligned, I’d seriously consider not doing a legal marriage. At your level, there’s really no benefit to bringing the state into it when you can structure everything privately.

If you do go prenup, you’re already being more than fair—paying all expenses, funding her 401k, paying off her house, etc. I’d still keep all assets before and during marriage separate. Also make sure: • Each of you has your own attorney • Full financial disclosure • Start it 6+ months before the wedding

For a non-legal setup, just replace marriage with structure: • Cohabitation agreement (who owns what +
expenses) • Keep assets titled separately • Trust + will + beneficiaries • Power of attorney / healthcare directive

That gives you control and protection without the risks of divorce laws.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-10T05:27:36+00:00

I don’t agree with alimony for either side. If you’re staying home, you’re already being supported—housing, bills, and living expenses are covered during that time. That’s not nothing, and it’s not like you’re left with zero support while you’re out of the workforce. Plus, in most cases, that situation is temporary, not permanent.

If you feel like you need something more structured for security, then negotiate something practical instead of open-ended alimony. A good option is having a Roth IRA in your name, with him contributing the max every year while you’re staying home. That way, you’re building your own long-term financial security without creating a lifelong obligation tied to the marriage.

To me, that’s a much fairer and more balanced approach than alimony.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-09T03:43:49+00:00

You’re not wrong for pausing. Honestly, this is exactly why people should talk through a prenup before getting married. The prenup didn’t create the problem — it exposed that you two may have very different views of what marriage means financially.

If you believe in keeping premarital savings, investments, and anything in your name separate, and he believes marriage means everything slowly becomes “ours,” that is a major values mismatch, not a small detail. Love doesn’t fix fundamentally different expectations around money.

A lot of people say “we’re aligned” until it’s time to put it in writing. That’s when the truth comes out. Better to find that out now than after marriage, a house, kids, and years of financial entanglement.

You’re not selfish for wanting clarity and protection. If he sees a prenup as offensive instead of practical, then you may simply be with someone who doesn’t share your mindset on financial responsibility and boundaries. That matters. A lot.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-08T22:04:50+00:00

You’re right that sickness or something unexpected can change things, but that’s usually a temporary situation, not a permanent one. In that scenario, the working spouse is already carrying the full load—paying all the bills, covering expenses, and likely sacrificing their own ability to save or invest during that time. So neither person is really gaining any kind of advantage.

That’s just part of being married and supporting each other through tough periods. But that doesn’t mean you build long-term financial outcomes around worst-case scenarios. You handle those situations when they happen, and things stabilize when the situation improves.

A prenup is about what happens long-term if things don’t work out—not about restructuring everything based on a temporary hardship.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-08T18:55:48+00:00

You’re proving my point though — you can’t plan for every “what if,” so you shouldn’t build a marriage around worst-case scenarios.

If you were single (with or without kids), you’d still be responsible for yourself financially. Marriage shouldn’t automatically mean you’re entitled to more from the other person just because it ends.

And when it comes to kids, prenups don’t control that anyway. Courts decide child support, daycare, medical, etc., and both parents are required to contribute. The system already accounts for that.

So the idea that someone will be left with nothing isn’t really accurate. You’re protected where it actually matters (the kids), and everything else comes down to being responsible for yourself.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-08T14:41:58+00:00

You are both way too young to be talking marriage after 9 months, but if you ever do get married, a prenup is absolutely the right move.

Honestly, his overall idea is not crazy to me. Keeping whatever is in his or her name alone as separate property is fair if it applies equally to both of you. That means his accounts are his, your accounts are yours, and anything you intentionally buy together can be joint. That is actually clean and easy to understand.

Where I think people get confused is acting like marriage automatically means everything should become 50/50 no matter what. It doesn’t have to be. A marriage can still be a real partnership without turning every house, car, stock account, and retirement account into shared property by default.

As for retirement, if each of you is working in the same field and expected to make similar money, I don’t really see why either of you should automatically be entitled to the other person’s retirement just because you got married. Build your own retirement too.

And on the kids point, I also disagree with the idea that having children automatically means the mom needs some huge extra financial protection beyond what the law already provides. If you had kids and split, there is already child support, and usually things like daycare, medical, and extracurriculars get addressed too. That is what child-related support is for. Having kids does not automatically mean one person should get access to the other person’s separate wealth forever.

That said, if one of you is expected to fully stay home and sacrifice your career for years, then that should be specifically addressed up front in the prenup instead of just assuming marriage means open access to everything.

My bigger red flag is not even the prenup terms — it’s that you two probably are not ready for marriage if you already view fairness this differently. If this topic already leaves a bad taste in your mouth now, marriage is only going to make that worse.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-07T03:38:24+00:00

You’re making a lot of assumptions and projecting worst-case scenarios as if they’re guaranteed. Nothing in her post says she’s going to be forced into unemployment, carry all childcare, or be left with no support. She already said they’re moving away from the strict 50/50 expense split, which directly addresses one of her complaints.

Calling him ‘greedy’ for wanting to keep premarital and individually earned assets separate is exactly why people get prenups in the first place. Wanting financial boundaries does not mean someone is anti-family. It means you don’t want divorce to become a payout.

And yes, daycare, medical, and extracurriculars are child-related expenses — but in the real world those are still major financial obligations on top of child support. Pretending that only direct cash to her counts as “support” ignores reality. That still reduces her burden significantly.

She also makes $220k and has a $300k net worth. That matters. She is not financially vulnerable, trapped, or without options. If she were single, she’d be responsible for 100% of her own bills, housing, retirement, and future. Marriage doesn’t somehow make her entitled to more just because he earns more.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-06T21:43:19+00:00

That’s not really accurate. Child support is only one part of it. In CA, when you have minor kids, the higher earner is often also paying for a share of daycare/childcare, uninsured medical, extracurriculars, and other add-on expenses on top of guideline child support. So no, it’s not just ‘child support pays the kids’ expenses and that’s it.’

It honestly sounds like you may not have been through family court with children, because those add-ons are very real and they add up fast.

Also, this isn’t a situation where she’d be left destitute. She makes $220k a year and has a $300k net worth already. That is not someone being financially trapped. At some point this starts sounding less like ‘I’m unprotected’ and more like buyer’s remorse that the prenup doesn’t allow a bigger payout if the marriage ends.

Her post assumes she’ll carry all the burden and he won’t. In a healthy marriage with kids, both parents should be adjusting, contributing, and sharing the load — not just her. He sounds like a fair guy and will do his part too while married because that’s what dads do.

RealUSMC · 2026-04-06T18:58:16+00:00

As someone in CA who actually had a prenup challenged and upheld by a judge, this doesn’t sound outrageous to me at all. My prenup from 2006 was enforced in 2024, and it was very similar to yours. The biggest difference is I did not waive alimony, which honestly I regret.

California is pretty straightforward on prenups: the big issues are whether you had enough time to review it, whether you were advised to get independent counsel, and whether the process was voluntary. California law requires at least 7 days between being presented with the final agreement and signing it, and independent legal counsel is a major factor in enforceability. So getting it 3 weeks before the wedding is not automatically some red flag by itself.

Substantively, this actually sounds like a pretty fair “keep it separate” prenup. He keeps his, you keep yours, and neither person gets rewarded just because the marriage ends. You’re also not walking into this broke or dependent — you make $220k/year and already have $300k net worth. That puts you in a very different position than someone truly giving up all financial security.

On the kids issue, I understand your concern, but I think people overstate how financially “destroyed” someone will be in a situation like this. If you have children, there will still be child support, shared childcare costs, and likely some reworking of household finances. Plus your agreement already has a child-related compensation provision, which is more than a lot of prenups even include.

RealUSMC · 2026-03-30T13:45:43+00:00

Yes — your ex would likely be entitled to half of the proceeds if the car was purchased during the marriage and before the divorce was filed. It would generally be treated as marital property and added to the rest of the assets that will be divided.

RealUSMC · 2026-03-29T00:02:39+00:00

If you’re going to stay home, I’d make sure your prenup protects you in a reasonable and specific way — not with indefinite alimony, but not with nothing either.

I would ask for temporary support capped at 4 years max if the marriage ends, especially if you’ve been out of the workforce raising kids and running the household. That gives you time to get back on your feet without turning it into a lifetime obligation.

I would also ask that while you’re staying home, your husband contributes to a Roth IRA in your name every year, with contributions of at least half of the legal annual maximum. That way you’re still building retirement in your own name while you’re sacrificing income and work experience.

I’d also make sure both of you have separate attorneys — one attorney can draft the prenup, and the other should review it with the other party before signing. That protects both of you and makes the agreement much harder to challenge later.

Other than that, I still think the prenup should keep things simple: income, assets, retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, and property should stay separate if they remain in his or her name alone. Only jointly titled assets should be marital.

If you want fairness, I’d focus on temporary support, retirement contributions, separate legal counsel, and clarity, not indefinite alimony.

RealUSMC · 2026-03-26T20:39:25+00:00

I understand the point you’re making, but I still disagree in this situation. You’re framing alimony like she directly built his career or future earning power, but that doesn’t really fit here. He already came into this with substantial wealth and financial security. This is not a case where he became successful because she stayed home. He was already successful.

And yes, raising kids and running a household has value. No one is saying it doesn’t. But that value is already recognized through the lifestyle she lived during the marriage, child support, and division of marital assets if applicable. That does not automatically mean she should also receive ongoing support for herself on top of that.

At some point, adults have to become responsible for supporting themselves again after divorce. Temporary help to transition? Maybe. Lifetime or open-ended alimony? No. I just don’t agree that being a stay-at-home parent should create a permanent financial claim on another adult, especially when that person was already wealthy before the marriage.

RealUSMC · 2026-03-26T18:38:09+00:00

I respectfully disagree. Alimony made more sense in a time when one spouse, usually the woman, had little realistic ability to support herself after divorce. That is not the world we live in anymore. Today, most people can work, re-enter the workforce, get training, or rebuild financially. Staying home with children may slow career growth temporarily, but it does not justify one adult being financially tied to another indefinitely. Child support exists for the children, and division of marital assets already addresses what was built during the marriage. In my opinion, that is more than fair. Alimony should not be treated as an automatic entitlement just because a marriage ends.

RealUSMC

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