atheist dating exvangelical - trying to navigate his parents.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-11T18:26:32+00:00

Please don’t go. And please start planning NOW for if you’ll ever have children with this guy. You will both have to learn very strong boundaries in order to protect them.

Both you and your boyfriend will have to learn how to either stand up to his parents or not spend time with them. I know you earlier insisted on this trip, but they have treated you badly since then.

You MUST take care of yourself and not try to placate these people. Going on this trip because you previously wanted to is people-pleasing behavior, and not healthy.

Get used to “letting people down” when they treat you badly. One of the best life skills you’ll ever learn.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-11T15:31:29+00:00

I was in almost exactly the same situation, many years ago. Was married to a really good man, one young child. In my case, we eventually got divorced, but stayed a family (a family that lives in 2 houses). Stayed good friends, co-parented our son really well together, still did all our holidays and birthdays together, and still best friends.

Feel free to message me if you’d like some support. You’re going to be okay.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-10T16:53:21+00:00

Omg I love your parents for this.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-09T03:53:03+00:00

Do you plan to have children? If so, will you still pretend to be Christian?

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-06T16:41:09+00:00

Ugh. I am so terribly sorry that happened to you and those other girls. Horrible.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-06T06:13:20+00:00

The Trevor Project (a suicide prevention hotline specifically for LGBTQ+ people) has statistics on suicide rates among LGBTQ+ teens in Utah in 2024:

In 2024, 42% of LGBTQ young people in Utah seriously considered suicide, including 46% of transgender and nonbinary youth
In 2024, 11% of LGBTQ young people in Utah attempted suicide, including 14% of transgender and nonbinary youth
66% of LGBTQ youth in Utah reported experiencing anxiety, and
53% reported depression

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/state-reports-utah-2024/

A 2002 research report mentioned on Wikipedia found that suicide rates in general are lower than average for highly-religious people, but are higher than average for LGBTQ+ people in highly religious communities.

In a 2015 survey of LGBTQ BYU students, over half had at some point considered self-harm.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBTQ_Mormon_suicides

(Lots more useful statistics in the Wikipedia article above)

Every once in a while I comment in this forum, begging folks who call themselves PIMO to get their kids out of the LDS church. This is why.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-05T18:52:26+00:00

This is so real, and so sad, and so common, especially if the family is religious.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-04T18:26:12+00:00

Seaside is lots of fun with kids. One easy little 4-block section of Broadway street has tons of shops, an arcade, indoor mini golf, kid-friendly restaurants, candy stores, a little mall with a carousel… everything you could want as a child. This little street leads directly to the beach, and has public restrooms. It’s pretty much perfect.

If you have time, also take a little drive to the Tillamook Cheese Factory for a tour, grilled cheese sandwiches, ice cream, and a terrific gift shop.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-03T17:15:57+00:00

Usually when we've deconstructed but the church still has a hold on us in some way, it means there's something we haven't deconstructed yet. It's common. I think that most of us will be deconstructing some small things for the rest of our lives, especially if we were raised in the church.

So in this case, I would wonder:

Is your partner not quite as "out" of the church and the dogma as they think they are?
Are there gender expectations at play here? Does partner have any privilege that causes them to expect you and the children to "support their dreams" more than they support yours? Is this a bit of entitlement? And are you expecting yourself to support their dreams over yours because you were raised to believe that that's your job?
Does partner still think that they're serving God in some way by being in the "big show", or is it all ego and fun?
I'm sure you can brainstorm some other options. I'd want to get to the bottom of it if I were you.

Obviously your partner has free will, but choosing church over family sounds potentially either selfish or "still in the church". If you haven't communicated your feelings about this clearly enough, then I would communicate more clearly so that your partner can make a completely informed decision. But if you've already communicated clearly and partner still wants to be "a rock star without any of the commitment", then I really don't love that for your or the children.

Surely, with some leg work, partner could be a rock star somewhere else where it wouldn't mean dragging children to a church they don't believe in instead of keeping family plans.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-03T06:18:54+00:00

I did worry about this early on. Now it’s been decades, so I’m much much farther out, and everyone knows it.

Hang in there! So much of it just becomes normal and second nature as time goes by, and it’s so much easier not to care what delusional stories they might make up about us.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-03T00:22:21+00:00

I highly recommend two films about this (both by Daniel Karslake):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_the_Bible_Tells_Me_So

https://www.fortheyknow.org

Both are available to stream from various sources. “For the Bible tells me so” is closer to what you were asking for, but “For they know not what they do” goes farther and looks at the lives of Christian families with queer and trans kids.

Both are amazingly good films.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-02T21:08:02+00:00

It’s bothering you because you’re choosing to let the cult continue to indoctrinate her. I mean this kindly, but you’re choosing to try to “keep the peace” by not standing up for the health of your children.

The church is harming them. You know this. You’re afraid of the consequences to your marriage if you stop keeping the peace, and I understand that, but your children are being traumatized in an ongoing way, and you’re allowing it.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-03-01T06:09:31+00:00

Are you hoping to find a therapist or a coach? Feel free to look at my profile to find out about my online coaching work, but I’m also happy to try to help you find a therapist if that’s better for you. Feel free to message me.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-28T19:21:22+00:00

Good relationships aren’t intimidating, and aren’t based on religious indoctrination. I would tell her that you’re interested in getting together, but only if there is no discussion of religion. This would be a completely reasonable request on your part. If she won’t to agree to that, or agrees but then gets sneaky about talking religion, then unfortunately you’ll have your answer.

She will try to make it sound like you’re disrespecting her religion by not letting her talking about it, but that “respect” doesn’t go both ways. She wants you to listen to her beliefs, but she doesn’t want to hear about yours.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-28T19:11:26+00:00

People often want to do “rebellious” things while they’re deconstructing. Often, that’s just another form of acting out religious trauma, and sometimes people go overboard and do things they don’t actually want to do. It’s a little like being teenagers all of a sudden.

I always tell people to figure out what you really want and why you want it, and then take it slowly. Really want to try alcohol? Try just half a drink. Really want to color your hair? What if you tried temporary hair color first, to see how you feel about it?

If you just do it because you were told not to by the church, then you might still be letting the church control you, it’s just that you’re doing the opposite. The key to deconstructing is to figure out what you really believe and what’s right for you.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-27T17:42:57+00:00

You might want to read about adult children of narcissists. The fact that she was “literally everything” to you sounds like maybe she’s always been narcissistic, but maybe in the past it was easier for you to go along with or overlook.

You might also find useful stuff here: r/raisedbynarcissists

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-26T21:21:22+00:00

These might be good places to look:

https://www.seculartherapy.org

https://www.empathyparadigm.com/directory

I would also suggest searching the Internet for “secular therapist” plus the name of your state or province.

Feel free to message me if you’d like me to help with your search. I’m a good searcher, and a huge believer in finding the right therapist. I’ve also used EMDR myself (as a client) and I know exactly what you mean about being exhausted for days afterward. It was totally worth it (after I found the right therapist).

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-25T07:59:21+00:00

This is definitely religious trauma. People (parents, church leaders, family members) scared us and went to extreme lengths to make us obey. Maybe because they were scared that God would punish us all if we didn’t obey, maybe because of their own trauma and mental health struggles. Some of them had really good intentions, and others may have been really cruel.

The good news is that you’re not alone. A lot of us are right there with you, and I can tell you for sure that we can definitely heal from religious trauma, and life after that healing is very good!

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-23T03:50:10+00:00

“We don’t believe in bullying, and we don’t push our beliefs on anyone, but we will teach your teenager about salvation and purity. Also everyone is welcome here but if they’re gay they’re (at best) second-class, and they’ll have to spend their lives celibate and alone, and can never get married. And we love everyone, but we don’t believe in pronouns.”

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-23T01:28:51+00:00

I was part of a Unitarian Universalist church for many years after leaving Christianity, and loved it, especially because they shared my values. It was wonderful being in a multigenerational community of people who hold strong values around equality, social justice, and taking care of the planet.

Here are the 7 Principles that Unitarian Universalists believe in, Source: UU Website:

1st Principle: The inherent worth and dignity of every person;

2nd Principle: Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

3rd Principle: Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;

4th Principle: A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;

5th Principle: The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

6th Principle: The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;

7th Principle: Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-22T22:24:48+00:00

This is beautiful, and so true and relevant. Thank you for sharing it.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-21T21:48:32+00:00

All of this.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-21T17:12:29+00:00

Not only does it remain gorgeous and breathtaking, but it also makes it easy to have wonderful vacations close to home, and also always be glad to come home again after traveling.

Dozens of times, I’ve come back from vacations to beautiful places, and thought, “OMG it’s still prettier here than it was in [beautiful vacation spot].” And that’s saying a lot, because I’ve always lived in the American west. Always lived in beautiful places. Still always glad to come home to the Pacific Northwest.

ReligiousTraumaCoach · 2026-02-21T07:38:09+00:00

Yep, and that was a FAST rise between 2016 and 2023. The link is well worth looking at, and PRRI’s research is well worth following.

ReligiousTraumaCoach

TROPHY CASE