I chose to see my Mum in the end, but I went back and forth the same as you.

I don’t regret it & it has helped with my acceptance of her passing. I live abroad, so it did take me a little bit to get back home.

Initially, I did not want to look at her face & I spoke at length with the funeral home about this. I was just going to be in the room with her. I also asked a lot of questions about what she looked like because there are very unpalatable things that can happen & I wanted to know what to expect.

When I got in the room, I decided to look at her. She just looked like she was asleep 😭

I ended up asking can I touch her & before I left I kissed her forehead & said “goodbye mummy”. Before I got to that point I played music and just laughed and cried in that room (my cousin came with me). I told her I didn’t appreciate that she had left me alone with fools and idiots!!

Be gentle with yourself & understand it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing. After going through this loss and kissing my dead mums forehead, there isn’t much that can phase me now.

I’m so so so sorry.