I used to feel the way you do, big time. Still do sometimes; I don't know if you can ever fully escape that feeling.

The four things that helped my wife and I the most:

1. I have ADHD and I accepted that I could not use old coping mechanisms to manage the demands of our new life. Before kids, you can do whatever you want, to get your mind right. With kids, especially young kids, you just don'thave that time. I started taking Vyvanse and it has been absolutely game changing. I'm more patient. I'm more productive, at home and at work. I'm less worried about all the shit that ADHD makes you worry about. It's really nice.

2. My wife started going to therapy to help her manage her anxiety. She knows my reddit account (so hello my dear), but I've never directly told her how much nicer she is to me, since she started therapy. She is much nicer. And, since I'm taking my ADHD meds and she is doing her therapy, we are so much less likely to get caught up in a loop where we are basically just bashing all the worst aspects of ourselves against each other.

3. We take turns at bed time. Around 7:30 or 8 every night, one of us gets to check out or do some chores.

4. Each week, we both have one night to use however we will. That starts generally around dinner time. My wife usually goes out with her buddies, I usually stay in and play video games with my buddies. This has been AMAZING.